Mellow Mare
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Ooooo!!!! A dark horror fiction 0_0 Very interesting so far. I do love the dark side of Starlight Glimmer. I can't wait to see this progress.
*flip-turned
always love a horror anthology. will track.
That was wild!! so good, can't wait to see what else you come up with!
well that cover Image is going to haunt my dreams for the next Week
It's been a long time since I read something so amazingly dark. I loved it.
Loving this story!
Love a good Evil/Dark Starlight story. I always liked her as a villain more!
Can’t wait for the next chapter!! ^^
Well that's certainly a way to create nightmare moon...
This story is pretty well written on a technical level, but I feel like it misses the mark for me with its contents. The idea is good, Chrysalis pushing Starlight until she breaks and then reaping the consequences, but the actual specifics of how that happened just didn’t feel very… believable? Starlight keeps going into some weird fugue state where she hurts Chrysalis and feels good about it until she magically snaps out of it, and she even has a spooky voice in her head telling her how she actually loves it, and that’s… a very childish conception of what going insane/becoming an abuser is like, I think? It didn’t feel believable, to me, nor did it feel like Chrysalis’ manipulations were done with any kind of the subtlety one might expect to lead to someone being broken like this.
Also interesting is that the actual process of Starlight breaking felt very fast, as her first act of violence happens in her second on-screen (for lack of a better term) visit with Chrysalis. I recognize that these incidents are several days apart in-universe, but they’re only separated by one scene, so to me as the reader she falls to this urge very quickly. Except it’s less that she falls to the urge and more like it just… happens? It’s weird. I feel like there should have been more buildup here, more scenes showing us Starlight’s mounting frustrations that eventually boil over into that moment of weakness. This should have been a slower burn, imo. And yet, what is here can also feel somewhat repetitive at times, so simultaneously it feels too short and too long to me. It’s kind of fascinating.
Also (and I’m not trying to rewrite your story here, I swear) I think ending the story with Starlight becoming like… essentially an Equestrian version of the Punisher? pushes it a little over the edge into being too silly for my tastes. It’s kinda giving me comic book villain origin story, and I don’t find it all that interesting or scary. Maybe others will, but it didn’t do it for me, personally.
And that’s fine; I’m no arbiter of what a good horror fic is, and I often am told my standards are too high. So take all of this with a grain of salt, but I think also that hearing negative feedback is important, so there’s my two cents. Again, the actual prose here is pretty good, I just think the story itself could’ve used some more fine-tuning.
Good luck in your future endeavors.
12006507
Hey RB_ !!
First off.. thanks a ton for taking the time to read and write me a review! I always appreciate the feedback, (good of bad) and I get that everyone has different tastes. Your thoughts are super valuable, and I don’t think your standards are too high at all... it’s great hearing your perspective.
I can totally see what you mean about the pacin.... I was aiming for more of a classic creepypasta vibe, something fast and unsettling rather than a slow-burn character arc. The idea was to create a short, sharp impact that leaves you feeling uneasy right away, which is probably why the fall into madness seemed so fast to you. It was definitely a stylistic choice to keep it brief and jarring. Which I hope can help you understand a bit more...
With the ending, I wanted to go in a direction where Starlight’s not really turning into a "Punisher"-type figure, but more someone who’s completely lost her sense of right and wrong. She’s not on some righteous mission, she’s just twisted now and enjoys the cruelty, which I hoped would come off as more disturbing!
That said, your points on character progression and pacing are really solid, and I’ll definitely keep them in mind for future projects.
Also, I’ve checked out your stuff before! But I never truly got around to reading it... I will dedicate some time soon for that!
Thanks again for the thoughtful feedback. It means a lot, and I’m looking forward to exchanging more thoughts with you in the future.
See ya around !
12005992
As it should
Does anybody know what G R E E D will be?
Bro I'm so happy this was the first story I read after not reading fanfiction for years. I love your depiction of Lunas transformation literally sent chills down my entire body! I hope you continue this series cause I'm hooked.
12006602
Well I am so glad to see you lovin' it!
And dont worry, there's 5 more coming your way! Each one sending chills down your spine in their own way
Take care now and dont let the BoogeyMare get ya!
Aw, poor Luna. She definitely brought that on herself, but once again, Celestia barely even tried to intervene.
I’m not gonna touch this with a ten-foot stick, but I’ll leave you a like because I’ve never had the cover image (as noted by other comments) and description of a story make me nope the fuck out this hard before.
It was mainly the cover image.
Very well done.
This last one is quite the detour from the previous two. Instead of it being an internal urge, this one feels more external. I wonder if it is tied to the Boogey Mare or something else entirely.
Still, definitely enjoy this kind of horror. Keep up the great work!
Starlight Glimmer, always lurking. Tick... Tick... Tick... But at what cost? Forever.
12006785
Same. Life itself provides me my daily recommended value of nightmare fuel, I don't need the extra helping. But the cover and concept must be acknowledged.
I have to say this, because I want to read but it's biting my brain...shouldn't this be in the Everfree? Canterlot wasn't the home for the sisters back then. (Unless I missed something in my scroll)
Plan to read later, been a bit busy, but love a good dark fic.
12007053
You can interpret the story however you like! It could before the show, or after.
If you read the comics, it seems that at some point Luna and Celestia's castle was being built in canterlot right before Luna's transformation. So it is possible it is happening in Canterlot! (Which is what I did here)
Now,as for the castle of the two sister, I always had that headcanon that it was build at the very edge of the everfree forest to maintain ots magic and contain it,stopping it from overgrowing and harming citizens. (Which now explains why after luna's transfotmation it has taken over the castle since nopony was there to stop it anymore..)
But with that being said. This story isnt exactly based off nightmare moon, it is an alternate universe, where luna turns into something else entirely.
Hope this helps!
12007062
It does, thank you! I tried to keep up on the comics, but kept losing track of where I was, so I likely am missing plenty of tidbits.
Well, what's left is only Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, and Lust are left.
I really liked how you used the feeding and gluttony part as a metaphor for being constantly hungry for more recognition, to the point of forgetting what really fed you in the first place. And while it's really interesting, I would think (and as a recommendation) that what you're really trying to emphasize in the story is an emotional greed or perhaps vain ambition. I feel like your concept could apply a bit more to what you're trying to express the situation of the story, however, I still found it quite interesting and enjoyable to read, it's very entertaining, so I certainly can't wait for the next parts.
12008395
I can totally see where greed may have been have a good option, which is where you can see how some sins are just repetitive and mean the same thing (to a certain degree....)
But I felt like it was more about gluttony than greed, and here's why:
Trixie was not being greedy, she was hungry for recognition, she got a taste for it and couldnt stop. she had a constant hunger to the point putting herself in danger and killing herself in the process was only means to satisfy this gnawing hunger.
While if the story was centered around greed, the focus would have been more on accumulation, Trixie would have been hoarding something, whether it was power, wealth, or influence. Greed is about wanting more of something tangible and keeping it, whereas gluttony is about consumption, an insatiable desire that keeps growing no matter how much you get.
In Trixie’s case, it wasn’t about collecting fame and keeping it to herself; it was about constantly needing to feed that hunger for attention and approval. No matter how much recognition she got, it was never enough. She didn’t want to hoard the fame, she wanted to consume it endlessly, which aligns perfectly with gluttony. Her body and mind couldn’t handle the endless craving for more, and ultimately, that desire consumed her, quite literally, in flames.
Thank you for your input ! I will definitely keep that in mind! and I am very grateful to see you are enjoying my stories!! :D
12008413
Good point, I think it helps keep the focus on what you want to convey. It's great ^^
Are all these stores part of the same universe?
12009486
Not necessarily, no. But feel free to try and connect them ;)
Darnit Fluttershy, I know you want to be a tree, but this is just too far xD
12010406
So happy you got the inside joke here!!! Thank you!!!
12010504
I was surprised no one else did xD The song started playing in my head as I read.
This is your best Sin yet, imo. It was a pleasure proofreading for you.
12013747
I could'nt have a better proof reader than you!
Honestly, thank you deeply for your kind words and constant encouragements love
Now then, what will L U S T be like?
It was very entertaining to read, I really liked the play of perspectives regarding this sin, I think it gives it background and it is amazing to realize later what is happening.
sex orgy... as opposed to... the other type of orgies???
Alright! All in all a pretty good bunch. Lessee here.
Wrath
I agree with a lot of readers that Starlight's progression didn't feel very natural, but I appreciate the classic setup. 'Starlight gets so stressed she fucking kills someone' has been executed better in other stories, but its not a bad take.
Envy
Just a rewrite of the Nightmare Moon origin. Would be pretty bland... except for the new take, imagining her as more explicitly monstrous. I love the new design you gave her, even if calling her the 'boogey mare' is a little cheesy.
Pride
Our first 'obsessed with doing the thing you're good at' story. Very Telltale Heart, but unfortunately doesn't run much with the concept, or even deliver on very many scares.
Gluttony
Probably my favorite by far. I expected literal gluttony starring PInkie, but this is so much better in every way. I also figured the final death would be a literal eating by a monster, a la the dragon she uses, but I like her being 'eaten' by fire a lot better. Kudos, my only complaint is the 'at what cost?' is kind of a mood ruiner at the end of a very good story. Like eating a fantastic sundae and then being given a cough drop.
Sloth
Also pretty good, and original, despite being based on a meme. As with Luna, I love the transformation descriptions, but think Fluttershy's motive could be expanded upon a little more instead of making her betray her friends for no reason. Also notably the only story where a sin isn't the main character's downfall, but rather being lied to and coerced by her friend. Dunno how to feel about that.
Greed
Not very standout IMO, even if I like the ending. Honestly don't have much to say, other than that sweetie is a good pick where most people would have chosen AB or scoots.
Lust
Thank you for not doing a literal lust. The concept is great, but it's probably my least favorite because of how tethered it feels to the Wonderland theme. If you had leaned further into 'everybody indulging their secret vices' rather than feeling the need to make everyone a Caroll character, it would have been much better. I respect that you gave the last story a moderately happy ending and didn't incorporate the 'it was all a dream' element of the original.
12015779
Alright, first off, thank you deeply for reading all of it, I cannot express how grateful I am. And also, thank you for taking the tine to review each stories!
Now, gor the sex orgy part.. you are right. My mistake, thank you for pointing that out! :)
Now If I may interest you in some insight on each sin.. maybe this may help show my perspective a bit more.:
Yes, I am not the proudest of this one, I must admit... I can see where it may have felt a bit too rushed. I was trying to convey how a psychopath would act upon acting impulsively, and I seem to have failed. But its good to fail sometimes, that means I can improve for next time! :))
Aaah, the boogey mare, I guess I wanted to add a little realistic touch to it,in the sense that in reality, this would truly be her name. As cheesy as it is.... (Makes the kids feel less scared)
Now I was very excited to answer this one! :D The way I intended it. Is that Rarity is too prideful to accept help. She notices that her mental health is declining. And instead of asking for help. She lets it get worse and worse! Whatever that thing in the mirror was, definitely wasnt her, it was merely wearing her skin, feeding off her stress and anxiety.
If maybe she would have let her prideful self down for a bit. She would've been okay! But alas...
Oh man, I am truly sorry that the ending phrase ruined it. But at the very least, you loved the rest! I must admit, Gluttony is my little underdog.
Now, the sin of Sloth was about applejack. Instead of doing something about feeling so weak and tired, she gave into it. Being a sloth, abandoning her tasks at the farm.
And as for Fluttershy's motive. Thats were it is scary, we dont know why, and never will. As surprising as it is, it was not even based off the meme at first. Its only when I reach halfway that I realise it is.. but I was too far in to stop. And beside, its a good giggle. The transformation was honestly my favorite so far to write. I kept changing the words to make it as gruesome as possible!
And thats exactly what I wanted. To not standout until the end. Glad you felt that way about it!
And yet, its probably my most favorite of the whole gang. Not just for the time I have put into it. But how got to just write and not care of it's structure. I know I gave it that wonderland feel, which was the point... But I think it was an appropriate move when it comes to going into another version of your world. And I felt it would end the anthology quite well and on a lighthearted note.
But again, you are as much entitled to your opinions as I am, and I am so glad to hear about yours as it helps me improve greatly for the futur!!
Now, again, thank you for your support and review. I truly appreciate it. If in anyway, you have questions, let me know, ill be more than happy to dwelve on them for you!
Take care
While the idea was nice, per se, I feel that this story is riddled with some plot holes, at least in my humble opinion:
1 -why are they so eager to reform Chrysalis? Not all villains were reformed (Tirek for example) so what benefits would they get by reforming Chrysalis?
2 - what exactly was controlling Starlight and why?
3 -why did Starlight asked for the guards to be removed? This kinda felt like a forced decision in order to progress the story
4 - and the most important one in my opinion: did no one else besides Starlight checked on Chrysalis?? Not even to see if she's alive?
Somebody get TheLostNarrator on the phone
The last chapter had some comedy in it. Such a Masterpiece!
This chapter was pretty good, in fact I was very entertained reading it, I was also looking forward to it a lot so let's say what it did was to get my enthusiasm going.
I liked the allegory to wonderland honestly it was very curious, I would also like to mention a little bit (in personal terms) while I was reading it it reminded me a little bit of a story called the brothel of paraphilias written by Fairuza. But I say it just as a mention, it only reminded me to read this story a little bit and I don't mean it in a bad way, I just mentioned it because it was something that just came to my mind but not much more. Congratulations, I really liked it.
My little Reviews and Feedback Your Review!!!!
holy shit, this is so.. surreal. so avant-garde, i normally never comment but this is so.. anti-comfort in the best way possible.
good job man, this is actual kino.
12013747
based pfp, stirnerbro ;)
god, i just love how this all played out, it's hard to put to words but the chill, still-kinda-scary beginning, and the quickly-crumbling ending.
it all played so well, i congratulate u, fren.
ah, a good ending for once ;)
it's the perfect ending, it really sets your mind free from all of the insanity that happened, 10/10. unironically.
There are a few Friedrich Nietzsche comments on this, how when fighting monsters you need to be careful not to become one yourself. Monsters don’t fight fair, and sometimes you have to do horrible things to meet that threat on something approaching even footing. But it is easy to become lost, especially when they attack your emotions and push you.
I think this chapter was good overall, but it could have used more detail and time showing just how long Starlight was at this before she finally embraced violence. As it is, the changes seem to be sudden, we see the instant that Starlight takes the next step down the dark path, instead of drawing it out, making it seem like a steady erosion instead of just these singular turning points.
Still like it, looking forward to reading the rest.
Thought for a bit that this chapter was going to be another NMM origin story, but instead… much worse end for Luna there.
Starting to feel like there’s an outside force that’s doing this, just a feeling. I guess I’ll find out.
I don’t know if these tales are related, like sharing a common universe or whatnot, but if they are, this chapter would cement that there is a malevolent external force that is doing all of this. That can’t be good for anypony.
I knew I should have gotten those tickets to go to the Burning Mare Festival.