• Published 26th Sep 2024
  • 496 Views, 17 Comments

(Natural/Synthetic) (Intelligence/Stupidity) [Delete as Applicable] - The Iguana Man



In a town gone mad... or, at least, gone dumb, Pinkie and Twilight alone must find and eliminate the source of the affliction and end it. They'll both have to show their genius to solve this... which means, as far as Pinkie can see, they're screwed!

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A Call to Arms... and Other Things a Pony Doesn't Have

It was later in the day, well past the breakfast rush and not close to the lunch rush, and Pinkie finally had a chance to stop and think hard in the hopes of figuring out what was wrong. Unfortunately, after looking thoroughly around the bakery, examining everyone who passed outside the window and taste-testing every food item, surface and pony in the main building and kitchen, she was no closer to an answer.

She had just turned towards the bathroom to continue her experimental licks when she heard the bell over the door ring, making her blink and realize what she'd just been intending. Shaking her head, she turned to the newcomer, hoping to distract herself from her embarrassment. “Oh, hey there, Spike! How are you today?”

“Hey, Pinkie,” the little dragon replied as he walked over to the counter, prompting Pinkie to do the same. “I'm doing okay, how're you?”

Pinkie opened her mouth to give a standard, positive response, but paused before she could make a sound. After a second, she sighed. “Well, I'm... maybe fine, but I've been feeling... kinda weird for a while now. Don't suppose you've noticed anything odd today?”

Spike sighed. “No more than usual, but I haven't really had a chance since... well, you're in good company. Twilight's been in one of her moods for a while now – nothing worth going to the bunkers over, don't worry, but she's been running me a bit ragged.”

“Aw, sorry to hear that,” Pinkie gave him one of her more gentle smiles. “Did she want you to do something here or are you on a break?”

“Oh, no, she had a job for me, she, um... she wanted me to...” Spike frowned, his toes-claws tapping on the floor in agitation. “Dangit, what did she want me to do again?” He scratched his forehead with the scroll case in his hand. “It was... It must have been important, what...?”

“Hey, what's that?” Pinkie asked, pointing at the case.

“Hm? Oh, nothing, just... oh, that's the thing I needed to... right!” After smacking himself lightly with his free hand, he opened the case, unrolled the scroll and began to read.

“It says 'Spike, please go to Sugarcube Corner, tell Pinkie I need to see her about something whenever she has the time, and that this scroll has some of the details. Also, after saying that, you should give her the scroll and then come back. However, before you do, please let her know that what I want her for isn't anything urgent or majorly dangerous, nor anything that would... je-oh-pard-ize...' Oh, she crossed that out. '...threaten the happiness of anypony – you know how Pinkie can get. That's all I have for you, but as you're definitely still reading this out loud, I need to pad things out until I'm certain you'll realize and stop. As such, the quick brown fox jumped over the...' Wait a minute...”

Spike shook his head and blinked hard for a second before passing over the scroll. “So... yeah.” He gave a sheepish smile before dashing out of the building, as if to outrun the awkwardness.

Pinkie let out a chuckle before she looked at the scroll, scanning past the short narrative about a dog finally getting tired of the fox using him as a hurdle and overcoming his congenital laziness to do something about it, until she got to the part that addressed her:

“Pinkie, you are almost certainly reading this out loud too, but fortunately that should be easier to fix than for Spike, like so: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...”

It took nine seconds of lingering on one syllable before Pinkie realized what was happening and stopped, looking down to where the letter stopped and reading the rest silently.

Sorry about that, Pinkie, but now that's done, we can get to the important bit: I need to see you as soon as equinely possible. Disregard the stuff Spike said about it not being urgent – this is top priority. I can't say anything more in this message, but please make whatever excuses you need to and join me as soon as you can – I'm in the castle basement.

See you soon,

Twilight.

P.S. Sorry about the “you know how Pinkie can get” bit – there is a reason I had to say that, but I can't say what it is yet.

P.P.S. I wrote this using edible paper and ink, and tried my best to get a taste-altering spell to make it taste like chocolate – I'd appreciate it if you could let me know how muc-

“Mmmmm... not bad, obviously artificial but... nowhere near the best chocolate, definitely not the worst,” Pinkie said to herself once she'd swallowed the paper, momentarily wondering if there had been anything else past what she'd read but quickly dismissing the thought.

After all, Twilight needed her, so she trotted over to the door, calling out to her employers. “Hey, Twilight needs me, I need to go out for a while, okay?”

“No problem, Pinkie!” Mrs Cake called back. “Oh, on your way back, could you pick up some plain flour – the recipe calls for plain, but we don't have any, just all-purpose flour.”

“Sure thing, Mrs. C! Back in... hey, wouldn't 'all-purpose' include that?”

“Oh! Right, yes, of course – thanks, Pinkie! See you soon.”

As soon as she left, Pinkie headed straight for the library, pronking a fair bit faster than normal, though not at her top speed – whatever Twilight wanted her for, she wouldn't be much good to her genius friend if she was exhausted. As such, she had time to greet many of the ponies she passed.

“Hiya, Written Script – good luck with the budget!”

“Thanks, Pinkie, think I'll need it!”

“No problem. Hey, Lyra, looking good!”

“Right back at ya, Pinkie!”

“Heehee, thanks! Hi, Lemon Hearts!”

“MWAHAHAHAHA, nobody suspects a thing!”

“Ah, classic Lemon Hearts! Hey Vinyl, happy birthday – see you tonight!”

The DJ gave her an eager smile as she finally came to the castle doors. After entering, making her way down the castle's corridors and taking one or two (or maybe seven) wrong turns, she finally found the entrance to the castle basement.

“Twilight! I'm here!”

“Pinkie! Excellent!” She heard Twilight's voice call from further within. “I'm at the end of the corridor, come through the first door.”

“I'm coming, don't worry about... wait, first?” Pinkie asked as she threw open the door the voice had been coming through to, indeed, find a second door in front of her, with both doors having an empty window covered by wire mesh.

Tilting her head slightly, Pinkie trotted up to the second door and grabbed the handle, only to find that the door wouldn't budge in either direction. “Hey, Twilight? This door's locked.”

“I know, please close the other door behind you.” Twilight replied from beyond the grate, her voice taking on what Pinkie had come to know as her 'scientific rigour' tone.

“Oh, right!” Pinkie let out a giggle as she went back to close the door. “Sorry – I promise I wasn't raised in a barn for most of my fillyhood.”

“It's quite alright – it wasn't a matter of politeness, though I do appreciate how, even if your current state, you're considerate enough to worry about such things.”

“Thanks,” Pinkie replied, trotting back from the now-closed door. “So, can I come in now?”

“I'm afraid not.” Twilight's face appeared on the other side of the window with an apologetic half-smile. “While it's possible that the airlock principle will be enough to keep this room safe, I can't really afford to take chances by letting you in until you're definitely free from the effects of the field.”

“Aw, okay then,” Pinkie said, looking down a little. “Well, if that's a thing that's going to happen again, could you maybe leave some stuff to do in here? Or at least decorate it so it's not quite so... hey, wait a minute! Effects? Field? What's going on?”

“Okay, that registered in... pretty good time,” She heard a quill scratching as Twilight's horn glowed, even though the alicorn was still looking through the grate. “And yes, you've been affected by a mental hebetation field and I need to make sure it's faded before I can let you in – I doubt it'd be actively contagious when cut off from the source, but again, I can't take chances.”

“Hebe... ta... you mean something's been affecting my mind? Oh, is this to do with why I've been feeling so weird all day?”

Twilight's eyes widened. “Able to get implication despite unfamiliar word and has been subconsciously registering change! Yes, indeed, and I promise this isn't just me having one of my more... neurotic moments. It is important.”

“Don't worry, Twi, I believe you,” Pinkie assured her before she remembered something, making her laugh. “Still, though, 'you know how Twilight can get', right?”

“And you're free!” The door rapidly unlocked and swung open as Twilight beckoned her inside. “Come on in, Pinkie!”

“Huh!” Pinkie blinked in shock at the sudden turn. “You sure?”

“Oh, definitely! That's why I wrote that line – I knew as soon as you were able to recognise the hypocrisy of it, it'd mean you're at your full mental capacity!”

Pinkie raised a quizzical eyebrow as she trotted in. “Well, if you say so. So, what's going on?”

Twilight nodded, her face setting into a forcefully level look. “Right, let's get straight to the point: Queen Chrysalis is somewhere in Ponyville.”

Pinkie jerked back, surprised both by the statement and the fact Twilight had indeed gotten right to the important part – something that only underlined the severity of the situation. “Wh- Have you seen her? Did you find evidence she's here? Who's she disguised as? What's she doing here in the first place?”

“To answer those in order,” Twilight replied with confident precision, “No; not exactly; that's what I'm hoping to find out; and I don't know, but it can't be anything good. And to answer the question you're no doubt hesitating to ask, I analyzed your pronking to prove your identity and can prove mine by...”

"No, it's okay, I know it's you," Pinkie assured her – Twilight's complete-but-reluctant self-awareness about her own neuroses was unmistakable – before thinking about the answers given. It took a split second for her to match them up to the questions, but once she had, she frowned in confusion. “So how do you know she's here? And what was that about a mental... thingy field? Is that part of her plan?”

“It may be, but not just that,” Twilight shook her head. “Also 'hebetation' means the act of dulling or blunting, and the hebetation field is what clued me into her presence. You see,” Pinkie sat down as she recognized Twilight beginning a lecture, paying close attention to her brilliant friend, “ever since first Thorax, then most of the rest of the changelings reformed and opened relations, we've been able to learn a lot about them and how they work. And one of the aspects that we would never have guessed despite it being kind of obvious when you hear it is that changelings, when disguised, naturally emit a field of mental magic. It's incredibly subtle and not very powerful, but it nevertheless affects the equine mind and makes it... less observant and sharp when looking at them. It dulls their perceptions ever-so-slightly so that they generally won't notice any slip-ups in a changeling's impersonation. It is, as far as we can tell, impossible to recognize and see through in hindsight, so don't worry about poring over your memories for anything suspicious unless you have reason to think of something specifically, but it's definitely real.”

Pinkie nodded, having been about to do exactly that before being pre-empted. “Okay, I guess that makes sense for a race like that, but then why did you need to wait? Or even stay down here at all? If it's not that powerful, wouldn't it stop before I even got here, never mind having to wait in a boring room for aaaaaages!” She hung her head in a mostly-joking pout.

Twilight rolled her eyes with a smile, momentarily lightened by Pinkie's antics before she firmed her expression again. “Well, that would be the case for an ordinary changeling. However, we've also learned that, in both area and intensity, a queen's field is greater by at least one order of magnitude. Enough to blanket the whole town at least, and massively affect everypony in it.”

Pinkie thought for a moment, parsing what Twilight was saying and following it to the logical conclusion. As soon as she did, her eyes widened. “You mean...?”

Twilight nodded gravely. “That's right – Chrysalis's presence is literally making everypony stupid!”

Pinkie stared at Twilight, her face hanging in a neutral look as many different emotions and reactions warred inside her head for the right to be shown. The idea was simultaneously brilliant, ridiculous and terrifying. If nothing else, the idea of Twilight being affected was enough to keep any kind of smile away from her face.

After a few moments, Twilight continued. “Didn't it ever strike you as weird that not only did she fool everyone who knew Cadance despite acting nothing like her, but she also got you to dismiss her behaviour as bridal nerves despite her not showing any signs of nerves, irritation or any of the normal 'bridezilla' qualities?”

Pinkie's heart ached as she remembered. “Well... I mean, yeah, I should have... we all should have noticed but... no, it didn't seem weird – I think I was just too excited to be involved with a royal wedding to think about it.”

Despite Pinkie's moroseness, Twilight just nodded. “Exactly – it didn't seem weird at all despite clearly being weird. And, yes, I'm sure your excitement played into it – I'd assume that's why you weren't able to get that 'something's wrong' feeling then – but the important thing was that you were being mentally suppressed. As was everypony else.”

Pinkie pressed her lips together tight, trying to fit the idea into her memories past her guilt and not finding it easy. After a moment, though, another thought occurred to her. “Oh, is that also why you decided to make a scene in front of everyone when confronting her instead of... well, anything else?”

There was a moment's pause before Twilight's smile vanished, pulling Pinkie's beginnings of a smile along with it into non-existence. “Well, yes and no. I was being affected but... as far as we know, Chrysalis can't control exactly what you do when you're suppressed. The field made me stupid, but doing the specific stupid thing that played right into her hooves was something I decided.”

Pinkie stepped forward, putting a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. “It wasn't your fault, Twi.”

Twilight sighed. “I know, it's just... I know intellectually that it was the field that was mostly to blame but... well, like I said, you can't see it even in hindsight, so all I remember is how much it made sense to me at the time. I can tell myself I wasn't thinking clearly, but it still feels like I was and...”

“Oh, that's not what I meant!” Pinkie interrupted, putting a bit of force behind her cheerful tone to cut off Twilight's self-reproach. “I just meant that, with you being so super-duper-luper-uber-gruber smart and all, obviously you'd have no idea what to do if you became stupid – you've got no experience. Plus, let's face it, your 'stupid' is still smarter than most ponies' 'smart'. I mean, you did see through her, right?”

Twilight tilted her head. “Actually, no, I never suspected she wasn't Cadance during the preparation. I just thought she was evil, and that was probably just because I wasn't emotionally able to accept her marrying Shining, so the field affected me differently... we're getting off-topic.”

Pinkie nodded, even as she doubted Twilight's refutal. Still, she thought about the problem. “Well, even if you didn't see through her, we know Starlight saw through some changelings and... hey, why was she able to do that, anyway?”

Twilight finally regained a small smile, or at least a smirk. “The same reason you were just proving resistant to Chrysalis – abnormal psychologies are almost invariably more resistant to mental tampering.” There was a pause before her smile disappeared again as she started waving her hooves and stammering, “Not that there's anything wrong with... 'Abnormal' isn't a pejorative in this case, I promise, your mind isn't anything to be asha-”

“It's okay, Twi,” Pinkie assured her. “I know I'm not exactly the most normal-thinking pony around. Though... what do you think Starlight's mind has that...”

“I don't know, I don't want to know and, as long as the ankle monitor stays on, I won't have to,” Twilight said, rapidly and firmly. “Unfortunately, both the monitor and mind in question are on their way to the Crystal Empire right now, so they won't be of much help. Still, as soon as I recognized what was happening, I knew I had to assemble the finest minds in Ponyville to figure out what to do about it.”

Pinkie's ears perked up, a little optimism returning to her for a moment... before she looked around at the mostly free-of-ponies room. “And... that means...?”

Twilight gave her a shrug. “At this moment, Pinkie, it means you and me.”

Pinkie stared at her for a few seconds, the true gravity of the situation registering and pulling her jaw down into a gape. Eventually, she blinked and started speaking, her mind racing to find an alternative. “But... okay, I know Starlight's away and Rarity and Fluttershy are in Manehattan but what... what about Zecora?”

“Not in town right now and I'm not sending anyone into the Everfree with their faculties compromised,” Twilight responded instantly.

“Cheerilee?” Pinkie suggested, forcing her mouth into a grin.

“On a field trip to Canterlot and thank goodness – I dread to think what the Crusaders would be like right now.”

Pinkie started sweating as she spoke, barely able to keep pace with her suggestions compared to how rapidly Twilight was rejecting them. “Time Turner?”

“He's... well, as ever, I don't know where he goes when he's not in town, but he's not.”

“Doctor... er... Doctor Stable? Doctor Fauna?” Pinkie suggested, her smile becoming ever more thin and fragile as it widened. “Doctor...”

“Can't risk bringing them here – they're in charge of keeping others alive and...” Twilight grimaced, “well, I'm hoping the hospital's magical protection will at least dampen the effects enough to prevent disaster, but we can't afford to expose them to the full field.”

Pinkie gulped before suggesting in a Fluttershy-esque squeak, “Big Macintosh...?”

“...May be perfectly intelligent, but as solving this will require collaboration and communication, he's not ideal. Look, Pinkie,” Twilight didn't pause to let Pinkie get a word in, “I know this is a lot of pressure, but just know that I've looked into all other possibilities and that, to be blunt, if I had to pick one other pony to work with, you'd be my only choice!”

“Huh? But why? It's...” Pinkie's ears drooped as she looked away. “It's not like I'm that smart.”

There was a moment's silence before Pinkie dared to look back at Twilight... only to find that she was staring at her with an expression of pure shock and skepticism, as if Pinkie had just suggested pie-eating be an Equestria Games sport... again, after Twilight's counter-arguments the previous time.

After a long, tense silence, Twilight spoke. “Really? Really?! The mare who can list the birthdays, favourite foods and phobias of everypony within the greater Ponyville area isn't that smart?”

Pinkie scoffed. “Well, yeah – that's just my Special Talent helping me out! I mean, Applejack's not smart just because she knows exactly how many trees and maybe how many apples she has! I mean, she's smart for other reasons, even if she probably wouldn't be helpful with thi-”

“The mare who knew about the mirror pool and the parasprites, which even Princess Celestia didn't, plus what to do about them... isn't that smart?”

Pinkie rolled her eyes, even as sweat began to build up again. “Granny Pie knew a lot of stories and was really good at telling them – that's not... besides, I didn't exactly go about dealing with either of them in a smart way – I shouldn't have used the pool at all and I should have told you that...”

“The mare who invented pedal-powered flight and a gun that shoots parties... isn't... that... smart?!” Twilight finished, punctuating each word with a step towards Pinkie.

“No, that...” Pinkie squeezed her eyes shut. “My whirlycopter's a fairly basic idea, lots of ponies have thought of it, I just made it. Plus it takes everything I have just to keep it in the air – you could probably make one a hundred times better. And the cannon... pretty sure that's just my Talent again – even I'm not sure how it works!”

Twilight let out a small growl – no aggression in her tone, but instead a clear determination. “Pinkie, why are you...? You're one of the smartest...”

“NO, I'M NOT!” Pinkie burst out at just below a scream, making Twilight leap back in shock. An apologetic smile almost emerged onto Pinkie's face, but couldn't make it past her current discomfort. “Sorry, I... I appreciate you trying to encourage me, I do, it's just I... I know it doesn't seem like it, but... I know my limits. There's stuff I know – I know parties, I know fun, I know smiles... I even kind of know ponies but this? Solving a puzzle and working with strategery and Tac-tic-tacs? That's.... that's just not what I'm good at. You've got the wrong mare.”

Twilight rubbed a hoof on her temple as she shook her head. “That statement is the only wrong thing about you however,” she held up that hoof to forestall any objections, “as... desperately as I want to help you with this... apparent self-esteem issue of yours, we don't have time so I'll just point out the two things I think are totally inarguable. Firstly, regardless of your level of what most would call intelligence, there is one area where you unquestionably outshine everyone I know, myself very much included: creativity and original thinking. You can come up with ideas and thoughts that it would never begin to occur to me to consider... and apparently without realizing you're thinking of anything special.”

Pinkie thought for a moment, weighing up whether to argue – while she saw what Twilight was saying and knew she meant it, it did seem like just putting a positive spin on Pinkie being, if not stupid, then at least incurably silly. Which was, as far as she could tell, totally correct and normally wasn't a bad thing, but still made her unsuitable for this particular task. After all, if the smartest pony ever in the history of ever couldn't think of something, that suggests that thing isn't smart – perfectly logical, as far as Pinkie could see. Still, she decided it wouldn't be worth the time arguing. “And the second thing?”

Twilight gave her a thin smile and a shrug. “Whether you're as smart as I know or as dumb as you seem to think... right now, you're all I have. So please, let's start thinking.”

Pinkie nodded solemnly, doing her best to throw off all her objections for the sake of her friend. “Okay, I'll do my best – Pinkie Promise!” She said, doing the motions with far more force than usual before asking, “So, do we have anything so far?”

Twilight rocked her head from side to side. “Sort of... something minor. I was thinking that, if everypony else is being made stupid, we could make some sort of test to see if someone wasn't being affected... but how would we even administer it, let alone observe enough to determine anything? We can't afford to leave this room and get exposed to the field's effects.”

Pinkie frowned in thought, confused about how they were supposed to do anything if that was true. “Well, do you at least have a way to see outside?”

“Of course!” Twilight pointed to Pinkie's left. Looking over, she saw a monitor situated in the wall, with a wire leading out through more of the wire mesh.

“It took a while to arrange things so the receiver was outside the Fair Day cage but didn't compromise it, but once Spike installed the camera out there, I was able to get a view of it. On that note, we can ask Spike to do some basic things if we need to – he's also a little less affected due to draconic resistance – but nothing too complex or too...” she trailed off, her mouth moving as she tried to think of the exact word, but Pinkie knew what she meant.

“...Too screw-up-able, got it!” Pinkie thought for a moment, doing everything she could to keep her ever-restless attention focused. “Well, we could always just put some kind of test up in, like, a big sign so that everypony could see it. Do you think you could come up with something that only somepony with non-brain-clamped smarts could figure out?”

Twilight hummed in thought. “I'm pretty sure I could think of something, but... but how could we ensure that Chrysalis both saw it and had reason to think about it? Heck, just seeing a sign like that could be suspicious.”

“Oh, that'd be the easy part,” Pinkie said, waving a hoof. “You'd just need a bait she couldn't resist going for.”

“Okay...” Twilight said slowly, unconvinced but curious, “I suppose a sufficiently strong bait would both get her in the area and mean she'd probably pay attention, but... what kind of bait would be strong enough to do that?”

For the first time in a while, a hint of Pinkie's usual smile made itself known. “Now, see, that? That's something I can help with. Could you get Spike down here? I need him to fetch some ponies.”