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Looking forward to the next chapters.
Though I would prefer splitting days into chapters of more manageable size, but am fine with it either way.
12006971
You and me both after the next part part 3 is going to be way shorter length Wise
how do twilight become this monster , what in the world is that is so scary that you cant stop read but its fucking scary
12007122
From what I can tell the Celestia of this world is more of a Molestia, so it seems to be a continuation of the cycle of abuse.
12007853
so she can become a alicorn for the continuation and maybe sunset quit the job because calestia moleste her
I like the world building
bro just wait , say to twilight you want to go to school when you are a adult run run for your life , or just go to orphanage
I have mixed feelings... It's disgusting... But it's well written...
12008447
That would take a long time with no guarantee that it will work. After all he needs to at least be able to use his hooves and Twilight may not help him with that.
12008480
Isn't what truly matters if you're having fun. But on the more serious notes that's why I like the original so much because it's messed up but not in the way you think.
12008220
Thank you
You repeated this paragraph above the fully completed one.
Here’s another one.
12009602
Think you.
Thanks for the chapter!
Nice
This is just a really well written story. I need more.
12008447
The only orphanage in Equestria in this version of the setting is in Canterlot and from the sound of it Celestia is in charge of it and way worse.
Good moderation you have here, reminds me of 1984
12011468
To clarify they are more than celestia's orphanates. But if you get chosen to go through this one you don't have a choice.
Nice chapter.
how can a story be this good but themain plot is about a child be molested
12013036
Yeah child
Nice
I was half expecting Spike to mount Anon
12013577
Spike is a good drink or as good as a drink that's technically property.
Story so far is just... weird. So many little inconsistencies here and there.
Anon says they weren't a big fan at one point, then says they watched the show for years and admired Twilight later. Anon watches the show, but asks Spike if he's a real dragon as if she's never seen him before.
You repeat yourself constantly, too. How many times you used Anon "Realizing" things was annoying. Like, Twilight tried to rape him. Then later before they have sex, he acts shocked she said she wanted to fuck him.
You used the term "chill down her spine." Too many times. Also, you seem to have abandoned the walking on two legs thing.
There's too much to get into the nitty-gritty with.
12013854
I love legit criticism.
Start with the easiest one He was not going to be able to walk on two legs as a pony Lara says it took years for her to learn how to walk like that.
This is my personal opinion this because you watch the show or read the comic books or am I your character doesn't make you a fan. At best he's a casual observer who remembers things from the show. And later the chapters will explain how... Well we going to get back to that when it happens.
Maybe I did not make it clear enough but anan has been locked in the ponyville version of insane asylum. And was released only like 25 to 30 minutes ago before that scene happened. He was still in disbelief of if all this was even real.
I thought I made it clear that he's in a state of disbelief. And again if you believe the world is some way and slowly realize it's not You're going to realize lots of things.
I can only assume you're talking about day one and right after the hotel. He knew he was most likely probably going to get assaulted but he was hoping that it at least not be in the same day that he was almost assaulted.
I'll take the good part of your vice but anything probably based on preference is probably not going to change.
That’s horrible!
Hello to Miss Rarity!
Whatever people say, I quite like your story
Actually I think its about our fetish difference.
Keep it up!
Thanks for the chapter!
Here's a good example of narrative inconsistency. Anon has, in fact, not serviced Twilight at all. They've only had sex three times by this point if you don't count the part where Anon is pleasured by a sleeping Twilight, and in none of them did Anon go down on Twilight.
You also used the "Chill down her spine," type of line six times in this chapter. That's one form of being repetitive. I feel like this and the first chapter could easily be shorted by several thousands of words if all the redundancies were removed from them.
12014516
Trust me it gets way worse
You know what would be funny? If Anon got it trouble and said, "What are you going to do? Lock me in the highest tower."
Only for it to cut to the next scene and him to shout, "I was joking you know!"
Nice
how can a fucking porn story can have a lore this good , i dont know my feeling about all this rape but the lore is so good and the world building is so good that i cant stop read this story , why can you just make this story but with not le rape things but the your ways to do it is so good that the rape things is also good , how did do that
12016480
Thanks for that but to clarify some things this is not porn. This is supposed to supposed to be the overarching idea of a tragic story that doesn't have Faith to Black moments. When I write things I prefer to take the game of thrones method of writing and write everything as a whole and is explicit if if I was experiencing it myself. But for at least the next two chapters it shouldn't be too heavy on that subject matter.
12015470
You know what I'll keep that my bag of ideas
12014595
Other than dominance I don't think I've put too many of fetuses I actually like in this story. And I don't really think I really got into degradation at least not to a degree I define to be acceptable in the adult stories
12016530
sorry to have call yours story a mere porn , i know its no that
12016533
Not the problem. If you want to call it that I have no problem with it perception is one half the writers and one half the audience.
I understand the exposition about Cosmos and the Age of Grief, as it explains why Equestria is so different then what Anon expects, and provides some context into their situation, but I can't figure out how the rest of it relates to the story or characters, yet
12016764
I'm going to give you a couple of clues there are things that should have not been mentioned here and then there are things that were mentioned here that should have been. The age of cosmos were only the obvious one
Cant wait for next chapter
Thanks for the chapter!
The way you've depicted Twilight as a sexual abuser is frightening. The level of control she's exerting over Anon is unnerving.
You gave us an ever-so-brief glimpse into Twilight's past, showing that she was sexually abused by Celestia and she grew up thinking this was normal. It's truly bloodcurdling to try and picture the number of foals Celestia has abused over her long reign.
12018943
Something like that.
Great story concept and I'm enjoying it, but I feel like the writing is a bit disjointed. I'll keep reading though!
You know what would be interesting Twilight assigning impossible tasks in order to punish Anon for not completing them.
Or Twilight getting Anon addicted to a pain reliever potion and force Anon to beg for sex in order to get more when withdrawal sets in only for it to be revealed Twilight is addicted to the same potion.
12026975
Other than I think drugs in this universe would be really easy to counter definitely for unicorn. But especially for an alicorn that has the abilities of all three of the races. Earth ponies to be really resistant to them they're basically walking super soldiers.
But I'll keep your second idea in mind as I'm writing
Making him a 28 yo psychologist feels like a mistake. At that age and with that job, he should come across as a complex character with real life experience, but that’s not how it feels. also as a psychologist, his responses should feel thoughtful, which isn’t happening at all. If he were a 18 yo, his reactions would feel more natural.
Also, the info dump was absolutely brutal. It absolutely shouldn't be done like that.
But aside of that, I really enjoyed the clop. And I’m looking forward to the next chapters.
12030169
Well that info dump was going to happen sooner or later so I decided to have it sooner than later now I don't have to explain in any real detail why this world is elementally different from the original..
This statement makes me kind of confused. At 28, I don't believe you have too much life experience—you’re basically on the cusp of understanding some things. But let’s put this in perspective: a normal 28-year-old man, a psychologist, was teleported to Equestria a week before the story started. He was found by a road guard, brought to the hospital, and when he woke up, he told the doctors he was something called a human. They immediately put him in a psychiatric ward, believing he was crazy. He spent most of his time in Equestria at the beginning in a white room, restrained, and not helped by a doctor who didn’t really care about his mental well-being as long as he was physically okay.
After a week of basically staring at the wall and being fed through a straw and spoon, Twilight appears—not the usual Twilight, but alicorn Twilight—and essentially takes him out of that situation, only to put him in one where he’s basically treated as a sex toy for the purple princess’s relief. After Twilight spent nearly an entire day playing grab-ass with him, he’s finally released from that situation, only to face the reality that the world he imagined is far from how it really is. When he tries to be self-reliant, he nearly gets assaulted and ends up crawling back to Twilight, who eventually takes advantage of him anyway.
Now he’s stuck in a situation where he’s almost powerless, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to, and his own body isn’t fully functioning, nor does he understand how it works. On top of that, he’s being targeted by one of the most powerful magic users and princesses, who also happens to be a sexual deviant. I’m pretty sure that even if he were 100 years old, he wouldn’t have the life experience to deal with this. And I seriously doubt he would be in the mood, or have the time, to start waxing poetic. But maybe in Chapter 4, when he actually talks to a child psychologist, that might change. And he hasn't realized it yet but he's going to puberty again as a female.
P.S thank you for your input it only makes me stronger better faster.
12030243
You're absolutely right, and I get where you’re coming from, I'm just a bit worried. You wouldn’t be the first writer to take on a complex character that ends up being tough to manage long-term.
I can’t quite pinpoint it, but there's just something a bit off in his behavior, I know it don't help much and I'm sorry I can't be more specific.
Also, I'm guessing you want to put him in situations where he’ll have emotional outbursts to get punished for for it, which might keep clashing with his core character.
But again, your clop is just amazing. so I'll stay no matter what happens story-wise.
Nice