• Member Since 5th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Bubblesniffer


T
Source

Sunset didn't know a lot at the moment.

She knew she was in some sort of hospital, since her memory seemed like it's only missing the useful information that follows the more basic facts (like where the hospital is located).

When she first woke up she'd assumed she was in some sort of violent accident. Her limbs were covered in thin scars, and her head felt like something had drilled through the side of it, but the more she listened to what the few ponies around her said, the less sure she was about that.

At least she knew her name was Sunset Shimmer, but that was only because she read the clipboard at the foot of the hospital bed, and she knew those were usually reliable (except when they're written by less than reliable ponies).

She would probably have known more than she did at the moment if she'd listened to the doctor talking to the giant white mare sitting beside her bed that reeked of smoke and fire. But she'd started to zone out after he'd begun to talk to about "preventative measures," and how she needed a support network and a bunch of other things that sounded like they would've been better said to a loved one (did she even have any of those?) and not to the stranger sitting beside her that hadn't even looked in her direction since entering the room.


There's no mirror for Sunset to get obsessed with, and by extension run away into. Stuck with her spiraling mental health in a castle that hates her as much as she hates it, the pressure reaches a breaking point and Sunset does some things in the night she regrets but doesn't remember by dawn. All she knows is her name is Sunset Shimmer, she's in a hospital, and she doesn't know the giant white mare that smells like smoke.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 95 )

Strong start, looking forward to where your going to go with this.

This is all tragically sad, with everyone seeming running from problems or ingnorent of them. I will be eagerly waiting for more to come.

Looking very promising.

This is a very promising start. I like the idea of a world in which neither Sunset nor Celestia can run away from the consequences of their actions,

Sunset seeing herself as an insect bashing herself against the walls of a cage that's existed for longer than she has lived, one that she can't even bring herself to escape from, is probably one of the darkest interpretations of her character I've ever seen holy hell.

Sunset's legs are covered in cuts, not scars, indicating that they're fresh. Maybe that's how she tried taking her own life? Not enough info yet...I assume whatever she did is related to fire, since Celestia smelled so strongly of smoke, but I can't reconcile that with her lack of burns.

I love how this chapter is steeped in death. The fly, the dying gasps of wind, Celestia's wails being likened to those of a dying animal... haunting.

Even if Sunset hadn't forgotten everything, Celestia's speech is a hell of an admission to just dump onto her. Especially after - presumably - neglecting her to the point of driving her to suicide. I wonder if there was some sort of final confrontation between Sunset and Celestia that we weren't privy to, one where Sunset revealed that all she wanted was Celestia's love. That would make the events of this chapter even more tragic - Celestia was simply too late.

"A few of the things on the list are things you should probably know, and one or two of them might even be things you need to know."

Hmmm... My guess is the information being witheld pertains to either details of Sunset's suicide attempt or the permanent damage sustained as a result of the atetmpt. Most likely cognitive damage, given that Sunset can't remember anything and her magic seems fine.

...he levitated a flower out of one of the many plastic vases surrounding her bed...

Ponies have plastic? I'm nitpicking but the idea of ponies producing single use plastics and dumping them in the Changeling Lands or something is extremely funny to me.

Sunset absentmindedly dragged her hoof across her head, feeling the short choppy mane she was left with. The entire left side of her head was shaven, and what little remained of her mane looked like what a hobo's attempt at doing a punk style would have look like.

I guess the surgical opening from the brain operation was healed with magic... or Sunset didn't notice it. I was hoping to get a better idea of how traumatic the brain injury was as it would give us a better idea of what went down. But I can understand saving that for later.

Flat Line rolled his eyes and smirked at nothing after hearing her words. Sunset didn't know how she knew it was a smile, since it looked more like the world's calmest snarl. "Of course you'd still be a nerd that doesn't care about losing half her hair. Celestia will be happy to hear that at least."

Why does Flat Line have beef with the suicidal teenager? I get that he's tired but the "lmao, still a nerd" suggests he's dealt with Sunset before and held a grudge for some reason.

Flat Line looked back at Sunset, staring at her with slightly more intensity than before. "You and me both, kid. In fact you should tell Celestia that the next time you see her."

Gonna file that one away for later. It's definitely foreshadowing something but I have no idea what.

Cobblestone streets stretching away, the runes on the hospital bed intersecting like traffic... Everything is telling Sunset to get up and go somewhere. But nothing wants to tell her where.

Lots of interesting foreshadowing towards the end here, what with the weird behaviour around the psychiatrist and the mental fog. I assume the former is something Sunset said before her attempt? Something mean? Also, Flat Line is cracked for recognising Cadance's footsteps before he discharges Sunset. Truly the GOAT. I imagine Cadance isn't too happy about him eating all her flowers, though.

"Sunny?" Sunset watched the plastic vase drop to the floor...

Cadance is actually the princess of Environmental Unsustainability.

The pink pony immediately gripped her back as if she would disappear before letting out the loudest, wettest wail yet before letting out several sobs as if they were preemptively queued up.

Kidding aside I cannot imagine what this is like for Cadance, Princess of Love and Feeler of Emotions. Even if her relationship with Sunset was contentious, she's the sort of person who wouldn't have wished this on her worst enemy.

I will flollow this story eagerly.

Oh this is immediately excellent. Great prose, great dialogue, great characterization, but the atmosphere is my favorite. The whole thing feels stilted and hazy (in a really good way!), exactly how you'd expect to feel after waking up in a hospital.

It's rare to find a story this good on fimfic these days. Looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

11997359
I'm glad you're enjoying it so far, I'm a big fan of your Wally/Sunset series.

11997390
Oh that's so cool, I'm glad you like them! And now I'm a big fan of your writing, so neat how that works 🙏

This just may be the most intriguing story about Sunset I've ever read on this site.

gotta love it when someones first story is gold

Excellent work. We all know that there are many works about Sunset and suicide on this website, but few are so outstanding. In just two chapters, you have portrayed the deep bitterness that lingers here, and I admire your skill as a writer.

May I ask if you would like this work to be seen by more people? I sincerely request permission to translate the novel into Chinese and upload it to fimtale, so that the FiM Chinese community can also read this work.

11997523
You're more than welcome to translate it.

11997524
Appreciate. Once the translation begins, I will provide you with the link to the translated work.

You my friend have earned a like.

Oooooo, this is the good stuff.

"If I've been leaving with you for over eight years then why are you still just my guardian?"

*Living

Anyway this is a great start and I'm curious about where this is going and my heart broke a little when Sunset said "not yet" to Celestia adopting her

Ooooof but hey at least Sunny and Cady are friends, this is amazingly well written and i love it

11997167
WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA!!

Sounds like our favourite lord of chaos is pretty grateful, and that Sunbutt Sr. nearly melted the planet. Too bad Sunny's head is too much of a mess to recognise his attempt at a gift.

Not even sure Sunny is completely aware of the concept of object permanence, because she didn't even seem to question those jarring changes in her environment.

You are perfect. I love you and I hope you grow up big. So I can read you for hours.

Ah crap, whatever she did freed Discord very early. This seems to have started with fire, and it just mind end with it too!

All sorts of interesting bits floating around, but still can't draw a complete line from canon setup to where we are now. One interesting tidbit I did pick up on is that Blueblood was named, but someone was unnamed in anger by Cadence. An instigator of the current situation? Perhaps even who was mentioned in Discord's letter.

Also of interesting note is that it almost seems like relations between Sunset and Cadence went at least neutral, if not warm. Canon relations between the two always seemed frosty (unless I'm mixing that up with fannon...)

I can't even put a strong finger on where in the timeline we are. I'm assuming it's pre-Nightmare Moon. Which then makes me ponder what other differences have occurred with the altered setup...

Got me eagerly looking forward to that next chapter.

11998708
That was discord? I thought it was anon.

Let the Lord of Chaos rule.

Comment posted by Bubblesniffer deleted Sep 17th, 2024

Sunset Shimmer Tabula Rasa.
You're making it work really well.

I’m really interested in where this stories going, I love character interactions as well, I hope to see more Celestia and Cadance in the coming chapters :3

The premise of this story is great, and I'm definitely going to track it. Though, if you will pardon me for saying so, your prose needs a bit of polish.

She knew she was in some sort of hospital, since her memory seems like it's only missing the useful information that follows the more basic facts (like where the hospital is located).

That should be "seemed."

When she first woke up she assumed she was in some sort of violent accident since her limbs were covered in thin scars and her head felt like she just got something drilled through the side of it, but the more she listened to what the few ponies around her said the less sure she was about that.

This feels like a run-on sentence, and that "she" should probably be "she'd," and the whole thing would have flowed better if it was, say:

"When she'd first woken up, she'd assumed she was in some sort of violent accident. Her limbs were covered in thin scars, and her head felt like something had drilled through the side of it. But the more she listened to what the few ponies around her had said, the less sure she was about that."

At least she knew her name was Sunset Shimmer, but that was only because she read the clipboard at the foot of the hospital bed, and she knows those are usually reliable (except when they're written by less than reliable ponies).

Those should be "knew" and "were."

She would probably know more than she did at the moment if she listened to the doctor talking to a giant white mare sitting beside her bed that reeked of smoke and fire, but she started to zone out after he began to talk to the big bonfire mare about "preventive measures" and how she needed a support network and a bunch of other things that sounded like they would've been better said to her by a loved one (did she even have any of those?) and not said to the stranger sitting beside her that hasn't looked in her direction since entering the room.

This is also one sentence, and it could be broken down. The phrase "the big bonfire mare" probably isn't necessary, either. I would try:

"She would probably have known more than she did at the moment if she'd listened to the doctor talking to the giant white mare sitting beside her bed that reeked of smoke and fire. But she'd started to zone out after he'd begun to talk to about "preventative measures," and how she needed a support network and a bunch of other things that sounded like they would've been better said to loved one (did she even have any of those?) and not to the stranger sitting beside her that hadn't even looked in her direction since entering the room."

I could proof the rest of the chapter if you'd like, but you see the point. As I said, your premise is wonderful, and I'll continue reading. I want to see where this goes. The story just needs a little extra work. If you don't already have one, I'd look into finding a proofreader. There are groups here for you to ask.

Something I can’t stop thinking is that the cuts on Sunset could be self inflicted or they could be cuts from crashing a window or a mirror.

11999137
I appreciate the pointers and corrections, it helps me grow as a writer. I'll be sure to edit the chapter as soon as I'm able to.

11999432
Huh. I didn't get a notification on the reply. Anyway, you're welcome. Would you like me to go through the rest of the first chapter? PMs, of course.

Looks like Discord got paroled early.

Hang on, hang on. Let me get this straight....

Is Discord the other guy doing repairs?:twilightoops:

The one who shall not be named?:rainbowderp:

How did he get free?:raritydespair:

Why is he still sticking around?

What game is he playing at?:fluttershyouch:

And what sort of bad juju was in that ring anyway?:unsuresweetie:

Personally I think this was pretty good! The 3-4 chapter mark is around the point in my own projects that I start to run out of steam (looking at you, incomplete fic that is still in rewrite hell) so I can empathise. The prose pulls its weight, Sunset's numbness is characterized perfectly, Cadance continues to be the sweetest person in Equestria (imagine doing all this for your childhood bully... and Sunset needs it, Fiat Line really is not helping) and we're left with some interesting questions to ask before the next chapter.

- Are Sunset's blackouts purely psychological, or are they the result of some mental / thaumatic damage that Flat Line's scans can't pick up?
- Why are the castle staff still not back? What Sunset did was (probably) pretty bad, but what's temporarily dismissing the staff supposed to accomplish? Won't that end up disseminating the story more widely?
- What's Celestia's next move here? Does she have a plan? Is Cadance mentioning that "Princess Celestia is going to kill her" a sign that Celestia put her up to this? I don't think so, this is in character for Cadance and it does sound like she's saying it more generally. But I can't shake the feeling that it's exactly what Celestia would do after being rebuffed by Sunset in chapter 1...

I'm not quite sure what really happened. Perhaps it's a fugue? My cousin initially had symptoms similar to Sunset's current condition after a serious traffic accident. Her brain was injured and doctors had to place a permanent catheter to drain the hydrocephalus. Well, maybe it's time to search for a hyperbaric oxygen chamber in the rainbow pony world. These are the few medical options I know from my limited medical knowledge that may be helpful for sunset symptoms, although putting a fire unicorn inside may not be a good idea.

...I've been stuck on my fic since January.

You're not alone in this endeavor, and I wish you the best of luck.

"I love you, Sunset. I love you and I want the whole world to know it so you'll know it as well. I want to make it one of the facts of life. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and I love my daughter Sunset Shimmer." Sunset felt her body lightly shake as Celestia held her in a death grip and she couldn't tell which of them was making it jitter so hard in Celestia's grip.

Fucking awwwwwww that's fucking good

From my very VERY limited knowlage of whats happening in story my theory is something happeend in Sunsets education likely around the same time Cannon!Sunset would have gone through the mirror, Something that caused enough Chaos to reawaken Discord, I have a few theories I assume currently Sunset may have gone similar to Daybreaker or Nightmare Moon, unsure if she transformed (as shes not an Alicorn) or just went crazy

Every pearlwood doorway Cadance and her passed through was singed black at the top, as if a ball of fire and self-hatred swept through it in a rush, too busy and greedy to give away its flames to anything it passed.

The amount of trailing hoof prints burned and melted into the masonry of the castle halls made Sunset think the fire knew as much about itself as she did.

I assume this is Sunsets doing, I guess after something ether Sunset herself had overloaded herself (and almost died), she attempted suicide (and almost died) or Celestia had to fight her (and almost killed her), its possible the reason Sunset reacted so badly to the bath is the heat is bringing up the feeling of when she almost died

I always love Celestia being a mom story, they always make me happy. Celestia deserves happiness dammit.:fluttershbad:

12006318
I suspect it's more likely that the melted hallway was from Celestia nearly going stellar as she carried Sunset's near-corpse to the medical wing.

Cadance wasting no time before getting in a bath with a girl, truly the princess of love

This chapter was somehow more difficult to write than the first one, and believe it or not this was the best take out of half a dozen tries.

I won't pretend that it's perfect or anything. The dialogue is a bit more stilted.

And the length feels shorter for some reason, although that's probably down to Chapter numbers now that I think about it.

But I don't see anything too abnormal or disappointing with it.

You very clearly communicated a mood, you kept the characters mostly consistent, and pacing isn't really a issue yet.

Your time skip didn't cover anything too important or central to the story, and I felt like you came in at the right moment for picking up where you left off...

In short, it's still pretty good.:moustache:👍

Is the doctor a House MD reference?

It was so Good please don't stop and abandoned this fic:fluttercry:

Login or register to comment