• Member Since 14th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Feb 17th, 2016

neighsmith


E

You find yourself trotting along, life far behind you, memories fading into nothing but a nightmare that you once lived.... when you find a new friend, can you accept him? (this is my first fanfic, and so feed back is appreciated!!) *note; not all tags may apply right away

(Warning, this story is not the best. Far from it.)

Chapters (8)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 12 )

hope you all like it!

Feedback is appreciated? Alright well I guess I'll leave some! Sorry if I sound mean, only being honest.

For a first fanfic (in second person no-less, quite the challenge!) this was pretty well done. However, that's not to say there weren't some derps scattered here and there.

First off, if we're the character, I don't think we would know what the nurse is thinking.

Second, this does need a grammar check. I'd be more than happy to do a glance over if you'd like. That'll solve pretty much everything else.

Other than that, this is good. Earns a 3.5 from me :D

97493

thanks for the feedback!

about not knowing what the nurse was thinking, I meant for the story to have multiple perspectives, i quess not one of my brightest ideas :facehoof:

and for the spelling/grammer mistakes, well lets say english is my thing.... so I'll try to sort those out, unless i get a proof reader, but what ever

thanks for reading!

97533
You could use indicators to show a change in point of view, like a !%!%!%!% as if a change in scenes were happening.
I reccommend everything CosmicAfro did, but overall a good, random beginning.
And dang it, he stole my offer to be editor. Ah, well, I'm still offering. So, you need an editor still?

when i typed in english is my thing, i meant english is NOT my thing, for all who are wondering

HoHo, it worked! Thank you kindly.

good start:pinkiehappy:

Author's note: thanks to my editor, Mobius of the Moon, i have been able to clean up the majority of my grammatical errors. thanks Mobius!

Alright, it's up! Good job so far, smith!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!