Hi sis

XiF

XiF #1 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

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Capitalize names, omg.

easonhooves

easonhooves #2 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

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is this a one shot?

Writer12577

Writer12577 #3 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

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Ugh. Another. I have a chapter to write, but meh. I'll bite.

First off, wall of text. Use formatting and paragraphs to make the text readable.

Secondly, when someone else speaks, start a new line.

"Hi there," said Scootaloo. "A beautiful day, huh?"
"Most certainly!" answered Sweetie Belle.

Thirdly, grammar. Whilst your basics are good, I see some small mistakes. Consider using a spell checker to fix these.

Fourthly, consider making up another way to express the passing of time. Try your best to avoid the "X Years later/earlier". It just doesn't sound or look so good.

Fifthly, as easonhooves already asked, is this a one shot? There would be potential, you know. Just fixes here and there, formatting and general tidying up and this could be something.

And sixthly, as XiF pointed out, fix your description.

sierra_seven_

sierra_seven_ #4 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

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Hello there! I'm Quantum (Sierra) with the TWE. I have to head off in a minute, but I'll quickly have a looksky at some of your stuff. As always, if you don't like the information I've put in this, feel free to ignore it. I'm not forcing you to implement these changes, though it will be better for all involved if it is improved. I'd like to see this story do well, so I'd like it if you paid attention!
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

Anyhoo, I'll be using my common system for reviewing this, described below:

Red indicates a typo or lexical error.
Blue shows something I would add into the story.
Green highlights a grammatical and/or syntactical flaw.
Purple draws your attention to something I've noticed.
Orange is used for general note-making.

back when scootaloo was a baby, she had a sister.. her sister was her best friend.. now that shes gone.. what will scootaloo do?

Ok, I'll list the major problems, and then go into more depth:

-Capitalisation
-Ellipses
-Run-on sentence

Capitalisation: I'm sure you're aware you need to capitalise names. For example: Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Applebloom. All names need capitals. Make sure you check through your work and ensure that you don't have silly mistakes like this. Making these errors in your description can make people doubt the quality of the entire story.

Ellipses: The proper length of an ellipsis is '...'. So, three periods. You really don't need as many as you have in the title, which brings me neatly onto the third point.

Run-on sentence: You use ellipses as a device to extend the sentence, rather than breaking it up into separate ones. This is bad. I'll show you what I would do for a description below:

When Scootaloo was just a foal, she had a caring sister. Her sister was once her best friend, but is now long gone. How will the orange pegasus deal with the loss of somepony that has supported her through so much of her life?

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_sad.png
Any better now?

Unfortunately I've got to head off now, but good luck with the story, and hopefully some of what I've written here will be of use to you. Mail me if you have any questions or need advice!

~Sierra, TWE's Raging Englishman dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

CherryCupcake116

CherryCupcake116 #5 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · ·

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for the people giving advice in a rude way...i am just starting! i understand there are mistakes.. for christ's sake! BE FREAKING NICE!
and for the few acually being polite with their adviceThank you.. i will fix errors but not this weekend as i have a party and a sick kitty cat to tend to.