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Source

"No such thing as a conspiracy of one."
- Remmy Cormo, Pack Street


In the little swamp country of Hepzibah, far from Mainland Equestria, a down-on-her-luck middle aged Kirin named Water Sound is approached by a strange creature in black. What he tells her changes her life forever, and brings her into a world of secrets and lies.

'Secret Treatments' was a placeholder title, and at the time I thought it was really shitty, but at this point I can't think of anything better. For the curious, it's a pun on the BOC album 'Secret Treaties'.


Written for the 2024 Non-Pony Writing Contest. Good luck to all entrants.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

Hepzibah, far from Mainland Equestria,

So... Are there any other places in your stories that are named after Marvel Comics characters?

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ah ah ah. I named Hepzibah after the Pogo character, as the comic takes place in a swamp. In Universe, the Marvel Comics character was named after the Pogo character as well, because the human who discovered her drew comparisons between her alien species and the cartoon skunk's.

Flash Facts!

I like the subtle theme of harmless futility in the opening. Ponies sleep instead of inventing superior weaponry, and the Cragadile sleeps instead of punishing the hunter’s inferior weapon. Even on the fringes, Equestria is a peaceful, pastoral place.

Magic is a tool of the unicorns, or so Water Sound had been told. Few kirin made any further attempts to learn it than was needed for a levitation spell.

Always bugged me that Kirin spellcasting was never strongly defined in canon. Stands to reason they can, since shapeshifting into fire demons requires some sort of magical affinity. Then again, if their antlers are anything like deer or moose, best not rely on an appendage that falls off every spring and has to slowly grow back in. 

Also, your ability to set scenes remains razor sharp. We began with a nature documentary style narration as a Farasian native(?) stalks monstrous prey, then snap to a roadside diner waitress without missing a beat. The dishes, then the cleaning, then the rushing outside is the literary version of a camera pulling back. Joyous stuff.

levitating down a live and nervous looking cow at a dragon's table.

It’s becoming a humorous signature of yours to have background dragons that exist solely for you to point out that they probably eat their fellow sapient Equestrians. Adds to the rough-and-tumble settings you favor, and amuses longtime readers like me who notice the trend. I can imagine your nose pressed to the glass door of a Hasbro writing team meeting, your scowl a wordless demand that they address this implication already. They never do though, hence your fics continuing to spotlight it.

The mention of her magic skills brought Water Sound to a pause in the middle of the bar

You know, just earlier today I was trying to explain to another friend the way character traits and plot support one another. This scene has a typical setup of a mystery man at a bar offering adventure, then subverts it with the blue collar worker assuming control of the convo and action. But then, just as the gag is wearing thin, the mystery man reasserts himself by touching the correct nerve. This sort of technical finesse only works if you’re good at pacing, conversational ebb and flow, and (of course) establishment of character traits.

"I'm going on an adventure." She murmured. Then, louder, giddier, "I'm going on an adventure!"

"You're going to table 92! Get on with it, damn it!" A voice from the back barked.

As I oft say, steal from the best. And as you oft (implicitly) say, contrast the whimsy with sardonicism. Equestria supplies the saccharine high fantasy shoutouts. Str8aura supplies the wry narrative counterweight.

A massive rectangular indent in the dirt was the only sign anything had ever been there.

"Whoa no... there goes Tokyo!!"

"Monster Dentistry."

With some stories, it's easy to tell what plot point was the one all other subsequent plot points were built around. Groundhog Day was the time loop, Beverly Hillbillies was the titular windfall, and your story is most certainly this. A secret society even sillier than S.M.I.L.E. 

My brother recently graduated from medical school. He works on eyes rather than teeth, but it’s still endearing to hear The Stranger talk with his same passion for a niche medical field..

alligators were not ornery due to a lack of toothbrushes, but for some other strange reason science was yet unable to reveal.

You think you’re clever, don’t you? Well, I’ll have you know that cleverness is the devil!

It was in the middle of this, besieged on all sides by certain death, that Water Sound realized she had never given those drinks to table 92.

Once again, the tiniest characterization can put in the heaviest lifting. In addition to keeping the tone comfortably light, we get a nice reinforcement of Water Sound’s sense of responsibility that has informed every decision she’s made so far. Right before she goes Nirik and we see glimpse the understandable stress her strong morals foster. As stated above, you’re good at adding spice to the saccharine.

one of Faust's beautiful creatures,

Yes! My evangelism has spread to other authors! 

And our tale ends on a satisfactory final reveal that I shan’t spoil. It's fun to play around with chimeric creatures, isn’t it? One of my stories featured an Owlgriff OC simply because I thought the idea was original (it wasn’t). You however, know to tie creative decisions to the plot. 

Crackerjack work, as usual. Be sure to let me know which pop culture references I missed in this one.

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It’s becoming a humorous signature of yours to have background dragons that exist solely for you to point out that they probably eat their fellow sapient Equestrians.

preview.redd.it/ln3f7d7rxqid1.png?width=517&auto=webp&s=5a3511677e062b000961fa0ba3823c581f7ef20c
preview.redd.it/9m7f06txxqid1.png?width=506&auto=webp&s=e7fa3adb434ce47e147ba3a15816b5c059f59a9f
Damn it! Damn it! Why am I my own Cassandra? Is it so wrong to derive pleasure from the thought of dragons eating people??

Actually, the twist of this story came before the dentistry idea, derived from my shock at learning a type of bird I had always assumed to be real was actually just another one of Pliny's complete and utter fuckups. The rest spiralled from there, and I started shoving things together to make them fit. Despite the references to Nile crocodiles, the setting is intended to be pseudo-Louisiana more than Pseudo-North Africa. This is a subtle nod to the fact that I don't know the difference between crocs and gators.

I actually was just thinking about putting together a small blog post detailing references from my stories as a side project. Glad to see there's interest from the only person I ever need approval from.

Nice BOC reference :)

Quite witty & enjoyable! I'm glad to have stumbled upon your works

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