Shining Armor's Impossible Decision (The Fury of Alicorns Scorned)

by Mockingbirb

Don't Let This Decision Be Your Last, Shining

In a sculpture garden near Canterlot Palace, three alicorn mares sat around a table, eating breakfast.

Not far from the trio stood a statue of a preposterous monster: part dragon, part pony, and other parts whose origins no pony could even guess. Beside the statue, a fruit fell from a tree, and bounced towards the alicorns.

"What's this?" wondered the eldest and tallest alicorn, a mare whose flanks gleamed alabaster bright in the sun. "Oh, an apple."

The second eldest, an alicorn with a midnight blue coat, and night-dark mane glittering with countless tiny stars, levitated the apple onto the table. She sniffed. "It's almost ripe, but not quite. One more day, I think, and it shall taste absolutely perfect. Even though the skin is flawed."

The third alicorn, the youngest and by far the pinkest of the three, squinted at the apple. "Those aren't flaws. Those are writing. There's a message."

The eldest spun the apple, and read aloud. "'For the most beautiful princess of all.'"

The second eldest alicorn narrowed her eyes. "OH no."

The alabaster alicorn smiled. "We need not squabble. We need only choose an impartial judge, to adjucate who receives this apple." She raised one foreleg, to wave at a passing guard wearing full armor. "Yoo-hoo! Royal guardspony, your princess calls!"

The armored stallion smiled nervously. "Yes, your highness?"

The eldest alicorn floated the fruit in front of the guard's helmet visor. "As you see, we have a little problem. One fruit, one inscription upon it, three mares. My loyal guard captain, whoever should receive this prize?"

Luna scowled. "He is not simply YOUR guard captain. Celestia, you and I rule Canterlot side by side. The guardspony is as much MINE as YOURS. If you say otherwise, you abrogate the treaty of peace between us."

The third alicorn giggled. "I would never want to disrespect my elders. Princess Celestia HERSELF officially declared ME the alicorn Princess of Love. I would not want anypony questioning Celestia's own judgement. So this stallion must judge ME the most beautiful."

Celestia gave Cadance a tight lipped smile. "Have you ever considered, my little ADOPTED niece--"

"Cease this senseless bickering!" Luna's voice boomed. "Let this unfortunate stallion do his luckless job."

Celestia leaned in towards the guard. "You know..." she insinuated, "I declared Cadance an Equestrian princess. I could do the same for you, but even better. I could give your own kingdom, where you would rule unchallenged, and your word would be law."

"Hmmph!" Luna said. "Ruling a country is a continual bother. Ponies pestering you with questions and problems. Who needs it? Celestia's offer would fill your days with nuisance. Whereas, if you take MY offer..." She grinned. "I could weave an enchantment to fill each and every one of your NIGHTS with the most pleasant dreams. A paradise of unearthly perfection, far better than any waking princedom."

Cadance put one forehoof on the table. "Celestia offers you more work. Luna's offering is...mere moonbeams, an illusion, a fiction. Whereas...I?" She whinnied. "I can offer you the love of the most beautiful pony in all the world." She pouted. "Or I could make sure you DON'T get her love. The choice is yours."

"Don't make the wrong choice, guard captain!" Celestia warned. "Or you might regret it. The kind of regret a guardspony can only discover while he scrubs more latrines than he can count."

The guardspony took off his helmet, exposing Shining Armor's face. "Um...er...can I have a day to think about it?"

"Surely!" Celestia said cheerfully. "Meet us here tomorrow morning, to give your answer. On that day, you shall decide whether the strongest alicorn princess in Equestria shall be very pleased with you, and NOT keep you so busy with scut work forever that you'll never have time to go to bed."

"Or who might be sleeping by himself upon a lumpy couch every night, for the rest of his life?" Cadance retorted.

Shining Armor wiped his sweaty brow with one forehoof. "To think about this as hard as I can...may I have the day off?"

"But of course," Luna said. "And good luck with your choosing. We fear you might need such luck."

Shining Armor bowed low, before he stood up tall and straight again. "We shall meet tomorrow, my princesses."

"Tomorrow," Celestia answered, and the other princesses agreed.

Guard Captain Shining nodded, turned, and marched away.

***

"I'm glad I never had to make a decision like that." Night Light scratched his head. "Or I might have ended up sleeping on the couch all these years myself, and you might never have been born."

Twilight Velvet levitated a seat cushion and threw it at her husband, striking the side of his head. "Joke all you like, dear, but I fear our son is serious."

"Well..." Shining shrugged. "I suppose technically, Princess Celestia is my SENIOR commander. So if she orders me to choose her, or even just strongly IMPLIES that I should choose her...orders are orders."

Night Light pursed his lips. "But...suppose this is all a chance for you to help cement the peace between those two mares, by showing that Luna truly IS her sister's equal. Maybe you're really supposed to pick Luna."

Velvet shook her head. "As a married mare...I can tell you. A husband picks his WIFE. Or else. That's all there is to it."

Night Light shrugged. "I'm sure my wife is right. She always is." He waggled his eyebrows. "But if you DID pick Luna...once you finally fall asleep, that couch could become pretty comfortable. Maybe, some nights, Luna would even let you dream that your wife forgives you."

Velvet tossed another cushion, which impacted the center of Light's face. "But when you awaken, you'll know what it is to truly suffer!" Making an effort to sound 'evil,' she cackled.

"Mom...Dad...I've never seen this side of you two. Of your relationship."

Night nodded. "Let's hope you'll never have to see the furniture throwing side of Cadance."

"I think...I want another opinion."

***

"Why did you come to ME with this?" Twilight Sparkle asked. "Nopony calls ME the princess of impossible decisions."

Spike shook his head. "I don't envy you, bro. You can please one princess, but then two princesses will be mad at you."

"And everypony knows one is less than two," Twilight agreed. "But I have an idea."

Hope appeared in Shining Armor's eyes. "You do? What? Tell me!"

Twilight checked a clock. "By my calculations...you have about eighteen hours left to flee the country, before the princesses find out you're missing."

Shining rubbed his chin with one foreleg. "Well...I've heard WORSE suggestions."

"You have?" Twilight asked incredulously.

"Sure. One of the guys in the barracks said I should award all three princesses joint custody of the apple, along with joint custody of myself. And tell all three to sleep in the same bed with me every night."

Spike scoffed. "Sounds crowded."

"I don't think he was serious. But seriously, I need ideas. GOOD ideas."

"What we need," Twilight said, "is some 'out of the box' ideas. Ideas most ponies would never think of. Crazy ideas."

Spike laughed. "I guess you came to the right place, bro. Ponyville has some of the craziest ponies I've ever met."

Shining stomped one hoof. "All right, then. We're going out, to search Ponyville for ideas."

Twilight nodded. "Let's go."

***

That morning, when Shining opened his eyes, he was lying in bed next to a pink pony. He reached out with one hoof, poking her in the back. "You're...not Cadance."

The pony rolled over, her big blue eyes regarding him. "You're right!" she agreed. "I'm Pinkie Pie. After that wild day and night of Ponyville craziness, we were both too tired to go home, so we fell asleep in Twilight's spare room."

Shining's jaw dropped. "But why in the same bed?"

"I'm here to reassure you in case you panic!"

Shining looked towards a window. "The sun's up! And I'm still in Ponyville! I've got to hurry, or I'll be late for work! Not to mention, late for my doom where I'll make two princesses really, really angry at me and maybe hate me forever!"

Pinkie patted his shoulder. "Don't worry, Shining. We've got this. We figured everything out last night. I think."

Shining leaped out of bed. "I've got to catch the train to Canterlot before it leaves, or else!"

***

As three princesses ate breakfast in a Palace garden, a guardspony trotted up. "Sorry I'm late!" He saluted. "But I've been very, very busy!"

Cadance's magic reached for his tail, pulling out a pink, curly hair. "I can see that, Shining. Tell us about your last twenty four hours, why don't you."

Shining saluted again. "Yes, Mare'm, your highness. Your highnesses."

Celestia gave him an only somewhat predatory smile. "Yes, tell us."

"Well, then..." he said. "May I see the apple?"

Luna levitated the fruit out of a wicker basket, setting it upon the tabletop. "The apple."

Shining said, "Twilight!"

A purple unicorn trotted out from behind a bush. "Princesses Celestia, Luna, Cadance." She bowed low. "It's so nice to see you again. If only the occasion were...less stressful." She levitated a book from her saddlebags, and opened it. "Mathematicians have developed methods for splitting an object equally between three different ponies."

Luna scowled. "Good enough, I suppose. Thank you."

"Not so fast!" Celestia said. Cadance silently gave her husband a cold look.

Twilight giggled nervously. "Of course, cutting up the apple might not be enough to please the three of you. So...we tried to think...creatively, you might say."

Pinkie arrived, pushing a pony sized dessert cart. Atop the cart rested a large cake. "Princess Celestia, this is for you."

In a golden glow of magic, the cake floated onto the table. Somepony had written in two colors of icing across the top: 'For the most beautiful princess.'

Celestia snorted. "Really? A cake?"

"Everypony loves cake!" Pinkie insisted. "Even princesses!"

Celestia exchanged skeptical looks with her two fellow alicorns.

"But wait!" Twilight promised. "There's more! Presenting...Jeff Letrotski, professional bowling coach."

A light brown pony with a two tone mustache and goatee arrived, wearing a dark suit jacket with dress shirt and tie. He bowed low. "Princesses. Cool." Balanced on his back, he carried a bag the size of a pony's head.

Luna narrowed her eyes at his load. "What is IN there?"

He used his mouth to move the bag to the grass beside him, and opened it. "A bowling ball, your highness."

Luna walked over to him. She levitated the ball out of its bag.

"Careful," he said. "Please don't scratch it. It's brand new."

The ball was painted black, with sparkles. Some of the biggest, brightest sparkles spelled out, "For the most beautiful princess."

Luna eyed it doubtfully. "What IS this?"

"It's a bowling ball, your highness. I hear you work nights, and have to sleep most of the day. But bowling is a sport you don't need daylight for. Some bowling alleys are even open all night long! We thought you might like to see that for yourself. As 'Princess of the Night,' I guess you're also princess of...'night life?'"

Luna put one forehoof over her mouth, and chortled. "Very good, sir." She looked around at Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Shining Armor. "Sirs and ladies."

Letrotski said, "It was the least we could do."

Cadance giggled. "I can hardly wait to find out what happens next."

Shining walked around the table to her, and bowed. "My princess," he said. "Princess of my heart, I offer you myself."

"But I already had that!" Even so, laughter danced in her eyes.

"Would you accept...a kiss?" Shining asked. "Also, I brought you this."

A grapefruit floated through the air towards Cadance. Somepony had carved into the outer rind with a pen knife, 'for the most beautiful princcess.'"

Cadance laughed. "I can see you did this yourself. Twilight can spell."

"Yes," Shining agreed. "But I hope you'll accept it anyway."

"I guess I can't say no to you. You big dork."

Shining bowed again. "YOUR big dork, if you'll have me."

Cadance presented her cheek, and he kissed it. She whispered, "I hope that kiss isn't all I'm getting, as my prize for being 'the most beautiful princess.'"

"There's a lot more where that came from," Shining whispered back.

Twilight cleared her throat. "Well! Will all three of you let my brother live? Please?"

Celestia sighed. "Yesterday, after Shining begged our leave and ran away from us...later that day we three princesses had a little talk. We decided we shouldn't be TOO hard on him. After all, he's just a stallion, not a miracle worker."

For a moment, Luna glared towards the farthest end of the Palace gardens, where the statues were kept. "Yes. What could possibly have gotten into us?"

"Whatever indeed?" Celestia agreed.

Comments

[Nodqfan]

Hahaha, that was an entertaining read.

[Captain PonySeidon]

I love this turn of phrase you used here:

Cadance's magic reached for his tail, pulling out a pink, curly hair. "I can see that, Shining. Tell us about your last twenty four hours, why don't you."

Shining saluted again. "Yes, Mare'm, your highness. Your highnesses."

Anyways, a delightful re-imagining of a classic tale, especially with the twist for the ending! I could almost see it being an actual episode. Have an upvote & a new follower!

[TheArbiter1]

Well, at least Shining didn't help start a decade-long siege like Paris did.

[dragon_slayer]

Delightful! Excellent! I can't believe I hadn't seen this premise in a fic yet. Hell, I still have yet to see any fic use a joke where Discord turns himself into an apple! (I think. I might be forgetting.) Clearly this is a mark against everyone except you, Mockingbirb!

[The Iguana Man]

Alternate ending:

Shining: May I see the apple, please?
Celestia: Of course, here you are. So which of us deserves thi-
CHOMP!
Celestia: Wow... in one bite, too.
Luna: I'm astonished he was even able to fit it all in his mouth.
Cadance: I'm not!

[Caladis]

Brilliant.

[stag the story teller]

11972590
lmao best coment ever

[Strinct]

11972590
And then he grows majestic (the most majestic) alicorn wings and flys into the sunset. Must be genetic.

[furryman]

If this leads to the Trojan War will the enemies use a giant wooden human to enter Troy?

[FanOfMostEverything]

I do appreciate how Luna acknowledged the unenviable impossibility of the choice throughout the piece. In all, brilliant work in conflict resolution, and not a single war got declared in the process! Thank you for this.

[Bad Horse]

What a good idea, to map this story from Discord and 3 goddesses in Greece, onto Discord and the three goddess? princesses of Equestria!

I was confused a bit initially; I thought at first this was a prequel to explain how Shining Armor, a guard, ended up married to a princess.

[OoooyVeeeeey]

I thought he was gonna say that of course his baby sister is the fairest princess, and have Twilight make sad puppydog eyes at the insinuation of any other decision to convince them to accept his answer.

[Falx_of_Lume]

11973533
"She's the most beautiful princess because she's the only princess not making me choose!" would have been pretty funny to me.

[Gavier]

11972538
YET

[new55]

That was a good story.