Deadpool Vs. Equestria

by Live Light

Issue #4: Royal Canterlot Business: Part 1

Deadpool and Pinkie got off the chariot. Before them stood Canterlot Castle, looking all royal and imposing. Castles were never a problem with Wade. Once, in his 2008 comic series, he was in a castle filled with mildly hot plastic surgery zombies... and got everybody killed by switching the narrative to hours later, wiring the castle with what probably used to be his exploding chair, blowing it up, and kicking a zombie head so far it was GOOD.

But the privilleges of fingers were gone. No longer could he feel a trigger finger itch, or try to do a thumbs-up with his foot's big toe. He's now a horse. A FRICKLEMOOKING HORSE. ... Fricklemook? Really? ...Okay.

He's not here to make war anyway. Just to have a chat. Yes. That was it. He then realized something.

"Err, Pinkie, not that you're terrible company but... why are you here with me?" Deadpool asked the pink pony that was the stuff of extensive drug-use.

[Or Pool-O-Vision.]

{We've never had a moment like that in a long time, have we?}

[Nope.]

{We need a moment like that. Anyway, what's she sayin'?}

"Because I still have to be your guide, remember? And plus, if you turn out to be dangerous, you need insurance." Pinkie nodded.

"I feel better already!" The two entered the castle. That silly, silly castle.

{What are you doing?}

I'm trying to make this chapter longer by adding more words in.

[Even pointless words?]

Yes, even pointless words.

{You've gone too far.}

I know... sadface. But anyway. As Deadpool and Pinkie entered the throne room, Deadpool was relieved by a comforting sight. Who else would be the princess of the sun in this evil- well, not evil, but unfamiliar place?

"BEA ARTHUR! YOU CAME FOR ME!" Deadpool said happily, as he ran up to the awaiting idol of his bucked up brain. Only for dreams to be shattered mid-run. The shape dissolved into a pony with both a head spike and wings.

"WHOA, OVERKILL HORSEY-TIME AAAGGHHHHHH!" Deadpool screamed, as he was levitated backwards.

{That's right. Pool-o-vision is back, and it's trollin'.}

"Greetings, traveller." The weird thing that was obviously Princess Celestia spoke. "What is your name?"

"Wade Wilson. But you can call me Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth. And you're Princess Trolle-I mean... Celestia?"

"Yes. I assume Pinkie Pie told you about that."

"Indubitably." Deadpool said, putting on a gentlemanly voice.

"Very well. You know why you have been called here, yes?"

"It's not for a hero's welcome, is it? This happens to everybody."

"...I'll note your strange sense of humour. But no, you're here because we need to deduce whether or not you will be a threat to my subjects, and by extension, Equestria."

"You have a mutant creature army? Because when you say 'Subjects,' that's what I think of."

"Actually, Wade, she means me and my five friends!" Pinkie said.

"You're MUTANTS!?" Deadpool exclaimed.

"We're MUTANTS!?" Pinkie exclaimed.

"You're not mutants, Pinkie. This strange pony merely has a different understanding, surely."

"I'm human, actually. I want my fingers and toes back. NOW!" Deadpool practically yelled.

{No.}

"You may leave as soon as we find you a way to get home." Celestia said. "Until then, you may wait until we're ready to test your friendliness."

"What if I don't wish to wait?" Deadpool asked.

"Too bad."

{Troll.}

"Okay. Fine. Bye." Deadpool said, and he and Pinkie walked out the door to go wait.

[Err, Wade.]

"I know, I know," Deadpool said behind the door. They walked back in.

"Errr.... where do we wait? Deadpool asked.

"The waiting room is that way." Celestia motioned from the door's direction, to the path that goes right.

"Got it." Deadpool said, as they both walked out the door again, and headed right.

-----

Deadpool and Pinkie sat on the chairs. Deadpool was trying to sit in a more human way of sitting, while Pinkie sat on the chair as if it was the ground, as usual.

"You know, you look a bit like Lyra when you sit like that." Pinkie commented.

"Is she another pony-turned human?"

"No. I hear she believes in them."

"Ah. Cool."

...

...

[Ask her out.]

{Shut up.}

[And sleep with me, come on why don't you sleep with me, shut up, and-]

{NO! I don't want any musical numbers in this story!}

"Hey." Pinkie said. "What'cha thinkin'?"

"Sebastian?" Deadpool replied.

"Who's Sebastian?"

"To be honest... I don't know... and is Sebastian even a name here?"

"Not really."

"How'd you know it was a 'who' then?"

"It didn't sound like a 'what' word!"

"...True."

....

...

...

...

...

[Now will you ask her out?]

{You do realize that you were hitting on him in the first issue?}

[So?]

{... ... ...Uh. Well. Seems weird.}

[When are we never weird?]

"Hey, look, a unicorn!" Pinkie said, pointing her hoof upwards on a walkway, where there was indeed, a silhouette of a unicorn waiting.

"My common sense is tingling..." Deadpool said.

{Geez. You haven't made that joke in a looooooooooooong time. It's been so long that usually, people only find it on Youtube tributes to you, or Google Images.}

The unicorn ran elsewhere, disappearing from sight.

"So, Pinkie. Wanna get off these waiting chairs to avoid probable death?"

"Hmm... okay!" Pinkie said. They both jumped off, and behind them, the chairs broke apart, as a sort of blade fell down from the sky and sliced them. Deadpool and Pinkie looked back to their attacker, It was indeed a unicorn. This unicorn had the build of a convincing supermodel, a noir coat, a grey mane, and the blade in question was a switchblade being levitated via magic.

"Oh, of course, there are weapons. Nice. Hi, Psycho-lady."

"Hello. Nice to meet you." She replied, in a tone of 'Hi, nice to meet you, now die.'

"I do ever so wonder what in hell's name you're doing with that deadly object. And what's your name?"

"Not very gentlemanly for a guy to get a girl's name first."

"I ain't a gentleman."

"Heh... good. We're on the same page."

"Literally." Deadpool and Pinkie said.

"I noticed." The unicorn said.

"No you didn't." Deadpool said. "Again. Name?"

"Call me Mise Lock."

"No."

"...Wha?"

"I'm going to call you... Tootsie."

"And what's your name supposed to be?"

"Wade Wilson. But you can call me Deadpool. That is... if ya want." Deadpool replied, raising his eyebrows twice under his mask.

"Aw. Charming." Tootsie said, noticing the eyebrows. "Now, please stand aside."

"Why?" Deadpool inquired.

"Because I have a score to settle with Pinkie Pie there." She pointed a hoof at Pinkie, who looked confused.

"Why?" Deadpool asked.

"Because she"

{I'm bored already. Oh, viewers, this is what's going through Wade's head right now. Enjoy.}

"And there is your reason why I'm after Pinkie."

[You shoulda listened. Think of something smart to say.]

"Why?" Deadpool asked.

{Idiot.}

Mise Lock sighed frustratedly, and took a stab at Pinkie from where she was standing, by magically levitating the knife towards her at high speeds. Deadpool jumped into the path, and was stabbed in the gut. Pinkie cupped her mouth with her hooves. But both Mise Lock and Pinkie were surprised to see him look around awkwardly.

"Uh... guys? What's wrong?" He looked at the switch blade. "Oh, that little thing?" Deadpool tried concentrating, and managed to use his hoof to take hold of it, and get it out of him. He then put it in one of his empty knife sheathes, as he was losing grip. He grinned maliciously at Mise Lock.

"Finders keepers."

Since his belt was still operational, he teleported in front of Mise Lock, and punched her in the face.

"No attacking friends of mine without any given reason." He said sinisterly.

Mise Lock growled, and tried to use her horn as a spike... which it is, technically, and stab at Deadpool again. He did get stabbed, but this just made him angrier, and he pushed her down, then crouched down to choke her with one hoof. He picked up a knife from his sheathe, and quickly dismembered half of the horn, causing Mise Lock to scream in agony.

"I'm the only psycho around here, ya little ssssslllll..." Deadpool tried to say.

{You can't human swear remember.}

"...Frekker."

[Is that even profane?]

"I don't know..."

He stood up, and stopped choking Mise Lock, feeling her broken horn is punishment enough.

"So, Pinkie... think I did g-"

Canterlot Guards burst the door open.

"Oh."

And he was dragged back to Celestia's throne room before he could even turn around to see Pinkie's reaction.

{Okay, now Pinkie probably hates you.}

[How do you know?]

{I'm willing to bet my Rarity doll for it.}

You hate Rarity.

{That's why I'm betting it.}

_________________________________________________________________

To be continued in the next issue!

{Err... why'd you include a zombie's OC?}

I don't know, he wanted it. And he's not quite a zombie, he just survived in untold circumstances.

{What untold circumstances?}

I dunno. That's why they're untold.

{I'll tell them if you give me a Fluttershy doll.}

...No.

Comments

[Rainbowblitz]

lol love it but why the video and the awkward leave off on y she has a score to settle with

[Rainbowblitz]

oh and first bioches

[Live Light]

1451412

All our undead commenter told us was that she had a score to settle with Pinkie and/or Applejack. Didn't say why. So, I fail to think up a reason that doesn't sound ridiculous, and instead, give you a good reason. Because she was on Rainbow Tylenol.

That, and that was what was going through Deadpool's head. Tank you veddy much for your contribution to my explanation.

Now to work on the 22nd chapter to The Recluse.

[Ermita]

these are just a big bowl of awesome sauce!!!11onedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png

[Live Light]

1451458

I'd just like to say...

iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/h89370__safe_pinkie-pie_animated_image-macro_vulgar_cranky-doodle-donkey_fireworks_hub-logo_matilda_friend-in-deed_transformers-logo.gif

Thank you. I finally had a reason to use this.

[Rainbowblitz]

1451476 lmfao, lmao, rofl, lol, lul

[Ermita]

1451476
that was the best comment ever, of all timedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png

[Live Light]

1451540 Actually, this is. And this was found on a Doctor Who soundtrack video (Of which the full story I copied and pasted on my latest blog because I was bored.)

"Oh yea, to anyone confused by the last couple comments, you have been invaded by bronies. Good day."

But thank you for that complimenting comment. It was very... complimentary.

[Ermita]

1451557
you welcome for the complimentary complement of complement type qualities dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

[Wise2Fox]

He...... he cutted her horn......... her horn..........SWEET MOTHER OF EASTER!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU HAVE DOOM US BOTH!!!
*hides in a barrel* Wyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy~ !?!?!?!!? Wy did you mess with a Changeling Pony Hybrid !!!!!! SHES PROVABLY CHRYSALIS DAUGHTER!!!

Here take this! *throws out of the barrel a notebook that has a peace of MiseLock´s Diary*

" She will pay with her live ...... Pinkie will pay for breaking my Magical Mirror.......Applejack will pay for stealing my love
..... they .......will......PAY IN BLOOD"

*from the Barrel* WERE DOOMED DOOD!!!! And by the way I can has Rarity´s doll if he doesnt want it.

[Live Light]

1451570 Psycho-Unicorn + Horn being broken = Problem extinguished.

Changeling Pony Hybrid: May be used in a time where I can make it make sense.

Probably Chrysalis' Daughter: Note the 'Probably.'

Barrel: BARRELZ! fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/053/d/3/pewdiepie_barrel_throw_version_1_by_rogenuchiha-d4qnxon.png

Reasons for killing Earth Ponies: Will treat as delusions and hate towards Earth-Ponies in general. Is my fic.

Barrel whining: YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, BARRELZ.

Doll: Sure, here you go, here's the doll. *Gives Butchered Rarity Doll*

You're my favourite customer.

*Brofist*

[Wise2Fox]

1451609

*takes the doll and starts stiching it* Poor Rarity~ *then hugs it*

[Rainbow87dash]

For those who don't know what this is

[And sleep with me, come on why don't you sleep with me, shut up, and-]

[youtube=ka4ETAyHZyM]

[Live Light]

1451670 Which came from a song by Sin and Sebastian. And good to know someone has good taste.

*Brofist*

EDIT: And if no-one's still sure, and people think we're weird people... look up PewDiePie. We will not be responsible for you dying from laughter.

[Rainbow87dash]

1451679 "BROFIST"

[Goodbye1234567890]

PEWDIEPIE should SOOOOOOOOO make A guest APPEARANCE!!!!!!

{Shut up.}

[And sleep with me, come on why don't you sleep with me, shut up, and-]

[Spirit Shift]

how does deadpool grab with his mouth while having his mask on

[Moona Shield]

2572427thats deadpool we are talking obout he can do ANYTHING

[shinigamisparda]

I usually don't comment until I reach the most recent chapter (which in this case means the end) but right now I have say how much I laughed at what was going on in Deadpool's head. This random bullshit is why i love the guy.

Anyway, off to reading more.

[Till_The_End]

This fanfic is so hilarious