Wallflower Blush is a nervous wreck at best, and a total loser at worst. But when her gal pal/backseat booty call, Sunset Shimmer, invites her over for a home-cooked dinner, the pressure is on to finally act like a grown-up.
Itβs either that, or let Sunset burn the building down.
Second place in the Egg Girls Rainbow Rocksaversary event hosted by Crowfeather Eileen, hoonter of hoonters. Also submitted to the Stupid Dumbass Competition, hosted by The Otter Guy. Pre-read and edited by Hugmuffin and Soup Boy.
Cover art by Tamiyeagooey. Written for Sad Green Bitches.
new swamp
Sad green bitches? By poshy woshy?? Time to drop everything and read this immediately
Well I just immediately love how she's stupid in the cutest way possible
This is so real cuz Rarity is definitely the EqG equivalent of Matthew Broderick, both in the vehicular manslaughter sense and in the perpetually-living-in-her-teenage-self's-shadow sense.
Lesbian car sex is a sacred rite of passage for any sad green bitch
There's something really special about Wally's first line of dialogue in this fic just being "Boobs." I'm so thankful for this authentic lesbian rep tbh
I only ever hear the word chuffed from Tamiya as a bri'ish adjective for happy, I kinda like it as a verb more actually.
Too soon π
Okay so I immediately love this, it's very sweet and gay and just little bits of angst around the edges. Posh did a good job \o/
God she's such a fucking dork, I love her
Sad Green Bitches has been her go-to alter ego for the better part of 15 years, ever since she was interrogated about shoplifting sweet tarts from the gas station.
As someone who hates alcohol in all its forms, I love this and I'm going to steal it.
I bet it was that crazy bitch from Colorado.
I do this sometimes!
This was a fun chapter. You really maxed out her total-fucking-dork stat, even past the hard cap at 80, which I enjoy greatly.
You are killing it with these openings btw
I love this analogy because it implies both anxiety and a really soft happy gayness.
I'm gonna gay-marry your mom, Ray, Wally thought, keen to assert dominance over her reptilian competition for Sunset's affection.
Oh my God she's such a fucking DORK, this is the dorkiest I have ever seen her and I absolutely love it.
I like this little show of anxiety from Sunset. It's nice when people remember that for all her outward confidence, she's not exactly a paragon of mental health.
I cannot get enough of how you write her, she's so likeable in such a cute and silly way, she's like nerd-Hameru but with sudden bouts of instantly-regretted confidence to say stupid things.
Posh is the best at fun dialogue. I learned this in a book about fornicating.
She named him this after he burned her house down.
Okay I laughed at this and woke up my cat so how dare you.
Nervously talking to a gecko about romantic feelings is so fucking Wallycore
god fucking dammit I love this story
uh oh
uh oh
UH OH
It was really cool to see the pesto ingredients come together to save the day. Pasta is a universal coping mechanism tbh
This is incredibly correct. Smart green bitches.
I'm always saying this.
ughhhh I love this
Oh. This gets to me. Hm. 2020 was a bad year. I'm still grateful for the soup and other things you sent me.
ughhhhhhhh I LOVE this
That's my girl π
Her character arc!
This whole thing was extremely fun and cute and sweet in all the right ways. Posh did an excellent job, this Sad Green Bitch is grateful π
I came up with sad green bitches
I want the royalties
Posh my beloved.
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Can confirm, Dubs is my dad
this story is so funny, but it still has the more serious moments get taken more seriously. Wonderful
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The soup is not an act of kindness. It is how Posh asserts his dominance over us. In accepting it, you have become Soup Girl in his mind. Do not let him pour it in your hair.
I can see Rarity committing vehicular manslaughter so easily, it's a bit unsettling.
HA!
Never say never, Wally. At least in this universe, your mom seems pretty chill. The kind of lady you could have a cup of tea and complain about the neighbors with.
I really like this characterization of Wallflower as incredibly dorky and silly and clueless alongside the usual angst and self-doubt. It's a very endearing combination. I can see why Sunset is so happy to wear out the carpet in those backseats. ;) And while I hope Wally musters up the courage to see where she and Sunset stand at some point, it seems pretty obvious to me because they're soulmates, duh.
Okay, Wallflower is somehow even dorkier than the previous chapter. I love it.
And now I have a strange craving for Wonderbread, even though I'm fairly certain I've never actually eaten any.
These same rules apply to boobs.
HA!
I may or may not have seduced my own Sad Green Bitch with some children's wine once or twice. It's pretty damn tasty.
Oh, can it, Karen. Not like your little brat hasn't overheard worse when you've binge-watched Dance Moms.
Headcanon: that's also a nickname for Wallflower's whispering eye.
Hey, my girlfriend does that sometimes!
I love every line of this man's dialogue. Seems like the cold, hard world of retail has sharpened his rather hippyish edges, and I'm all for it.
Now I'm wondering what Wally actually bought at the store. Other than probably not Wonderbread.
Hell yeah Sunset, atta girl. π
Wallflower, dear, patience. Wait until after dinner first. πππ
Ahahaha... there it is. Beneath the veneer of confidence and charm, Sunset's got her own insecurities and anxieties, and I love seeing them shine through in little moments like this. That's part of why she and Wally work so well together.
Subtle, Wally. Subtle.
Also, tribbing really doesn't work in that position, contrary to the slang.
Y'know, I'm not saying I'm opposed to Weeb Wally, but this portrayal of her is growing on me. Probably because you're having so much fun with it. I'm down for silly, dorky Wally any day of the week. It's fucking adorable.
Wally must be one hell of a tutor. I'm so proud of her!
HA!
Godddd they're so cute together.
Oh man, that's one hell of a line. Fantastic. I'm gonna steal this.
Something that makes anxiety so insidious is how good things can often set off just as many, if different, alarms as bad ones. When you're used to everything going wrong, things going right sometimes can feel like the sword of Damocles--only you can't catastrophize as easily when that blade is forged of good steel rather than wrought iron. What I mean is, I like that Wallflower's anxiety comes from the fact that things have been good, and nothing bad has happened yet, rather than necessarily focusing on her own insecurities due to her past actions or negative views of herself. It's very real, and relatable.
Does she always draw this because she once found it floating ominously in her kitchen during some twilight hour?
My take? Ray isn't homophobic; he's a puritan. Two girls? Kissing? Holding hands, even? Sure, whatever. But now, they're in his room, about to defile his sacred chamber with the wanton sounds of passion and trembling girlhoods? Ugh. Can't you at least pull a JD Vance and fuck
onthe couch instead?Oh shit, Sunset's the broke one in this story, isn't she? Interesting.
HA! I love this girl.
Poor Sunset. She's broke, doesn't know what she's doing, and is desperate to please and impress the pretty girl she invited over to her humble little home. Man, that's such a mood. π Thank God for Arm & Hammer and Wallflower being there to stop this story from getting too dark and angsty too quick. And thank God Wallflower unknowingly bought the main ingredient to make pesto... pesto makes everything better.
Love how Sunset and Wally interact and play off of each other in this story. This is some good swamp.
Right?! What the hell, Rarity! π€£
Wally, no!
I'm pretty sure Sunset inherited Celestia's poor cooking skills via osmosis.
C'mon Wally, isn't it obvious?
gifdb.com/images/high/ice-cube-i-m-broke-as-a-joke-8gven3cfil624x4a.gif
This reminds me of my first apartment (I moved out at 18), where I made it a priority to find and buy a pool table, complete with billiards set, cues, and cue rack, but the only spices I had in my cupboards were salt and pepper. My first roommate was baffled I didn't have anything else. She was one of my very humble introductions to this thing called "cooking". (You mean you can make something other than sandwiches, cereal, and hitting up the Taco Bell drive-thru??)
I heard this in my girlfriend's voice. π
Damn, big mood, Sunset. No wonder I love this character.
It's okay, Wallflower; in Equestria, hot chicks get the D-word pass.
Silly Wally, you've been hers longer than you could ever imagine.
πππ
Together, home.
That's what everything boils down to, in the end. And you've captured this beautifully.
Gotta say, I was not expecting a bit of role-reversal in this story with Wallflower being the one to comfort and help Sunset out of a bad situation. Struggling to get by and not really knowing how to take care of yourself isn't, like, life-threatening, but harmful in its own way, nonetheless. Seeing Wallflower save the evening and plant the seeds for Sunset to start taking better care of herself is beautiful and heartwarming and a wonderful resolution to Wallflower's own worries about her perceived inadequacies and uncertainty in their relationship. It's a refreshing twist on a common thread between these two, and I'm so here for it.
Peanut butter and frozen vegetables are definitely high on the list of must-haves for cheap/backup meal planning. Wally knows her shit. Sunset is lucky to have her.
To borrow a phrase from someone dear to me: Oh my God they're so CUTE and GAY and IN LOVE

Wally is so pure and good and wonderful and beautiful. Sunset should marry her someday, eventually.
Not the egg cream incident!
Also, yay, more Sandalwood! I like that guy. I love how Sunset's instant familiarity with him stirs up the scurrying, anxious brain-mice of Wally's self-doubt, and that the solution to this is to just... let 'em scurry. Get out of your head, focus on your cute girlfriend, and pay no mind to the chewing in the walls. That's all we can really do, right? Try to live and love and educate our loved ones on the proper number of cheese graters to purchase, despite whatever doubts we might have. Try not to feed the fears by freezing in place and forgetting where we are.
Because--eventually--mice that don't have anything to munch on... will move on. That's the hope, at least, and I think you've summed that up in this heartwarming, hilarious little story.
Good swamp.
This was a great read, and it's going in my favorites. There's only one thing missing, though, and that's some sly tip-off that you, the author, have actually seen My Dinner with Andre. I mean just a quick reference to an electric blanket, or a Druidic ceremony in a hippie commune, either one would do it. But I'm not seeing it, and that makes me sad, because anyone capable of writing this would get a lot out of watching it every 20 years or so.
Came for the pesto
Stayed for the dawwwww
'Weebed' as a verb is incredible writing.
11968401 Iβll take your recommendation! It does seem like itβd be up my alley.
But no, Iβm only familiar with the Simpsons parody.
totally not pandering to Eileen11968620
I think the problem is marketing. If the title were "Two Hours With Wallace Shawn," everybody would want to watch it.
It contains neither egg nor cream. Discuss.
In any case, brilliant study of Green Bitch and Disaster Horse, especially the latter's struggle to survive without the direct, constant supervision of her friends. Really, it's a miracle she made it this far. Plus, this may be the first time I've ever seen Chekhov's Pesto, and it worked to brilliant effect. Thank you for a delightful read and best of luck in the judging.
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The comments from you and 11968361 made for a fantastic accompaniment to the main text. Thank you both.
Honestly, I feel like gamer girl Sunset would me more likely to know about one of the most famous villains in gaming than the Jewish tree of life. But still, good joke.
I love the way you write these two. Full of chaotic gay joy, which, really, is one of the best kinds of joy. I now have a new appreciation for Sad-to-Happy Green Bitch and her fiery lesbian girlfriend, and I thank you.
This was quite nice!
11968981 Sunset's familiarity with vibeo game probably doesn't extend further back than her time in Humanland. I see her taste being pretty basic, too. Sports, racing, The Last of Us.
she wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
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oh hey look what I found
https://archive.org/details/my-dinner-with-andre-720p
Edit: it suddenly occurs to me that if you havenβt seen MDWA, you actually wrote that whole thing while completely unaware that the character in MDWA that isnβt Andre is named Wally.
11971174 my power is maximum
This was great! Love it when Wally gets to be silly.
This was delightful.
11977759 youβre delightful
"Do you worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster or something?"
"Does this world have those?"
"... I'm just going to make pesto now."