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Posh


Hydrate or diedrate!

T

Wallflower Blush is a nervous wreck at best, and a total loser at worst. But when her gal pal/backseat booty call, Sunset Shimmer, invites her over for a home-cooked dinner, the pressure is on to finally act like a grown-up.

It’s either that, or let Sunset burn the building down.


Second place in the Egg Girls Rainbow Rocksaversary event hosted by Crowfeather Eileen, hoonter of hoonters. Also submitted to the Stupid Dumbass Competition, hosted by The Otter Guy. Pre-read and edited by Hugmuffin and Soup Boy.

Cover art by Tamiyeagooey. Written for Sad Green Bitches.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 34 )

Sad green bitches? By poshy woshy?? Time to drop everything and read this immediately

and flames painted on the side to make it go faster.

Well I just immediately love how she's stupid in the cutest way possible

being cited in sports cars (though Rarity maintained that the pedestrian came out of nowhere)

This is so real cuz Rarity is definitely the EqG equivalent of Matthew Broderick, both in the vehicular manslaughter sense and in the perpetually-living-in-her-teenage-self's-shadow sense.

Especially when they folded the seats back at the end of the night – which was just about every time they went out now.

Lesbian car sex is a sacred rite of passage for any sad green bitch

"What're you thinking about?" Sunset murmured.

"Boobs," said Wallflower. "How about you?"

"Also boobs, if I'm being honest."

There's something really special about Wally's first line of dialogue in this fic just being "Boobs." I'm so thankful for this authentic lesbian rep tbh

Then her station wagon chuffed away into the night.

I only ever hear the word chuffed from Tamiya as a bri'ish adjective for happy, I kinda like it as a verb more actually.

This recipe will be posted on my website, which you can unlock by signing up for our first tier of..."

Too soon 😭

Okay so I immediately love this, it's very sweet and gay and just little bits of angst around the edges. Posh did a good job \o/

"This staring contest was lost before it even began." Wallflower sighed. "I concede, Wonderbread. You win."

God she's such a fucking dork, I love her

Sad Green Bitches has been her go-to alter ego for the better part of 15 years, ever since she was interrogated about shoplifting sweet tarts from the gas station.

"Thought not. Grape juice? My mom says it's like wine, but for Mormons. Oh!" Sandalwood spread his fingers and traced a rainbow in the air with his hands. "Sparkling cider. That's wine, but for children."

Mormon children. "Seems kinda juvenile."

As someone who hates alcohol in all its forms, I love this and I'm going to steal it.

skimmed the cover of a trashy tabloid boasting pictures of a congresswoman's illicit underground chimpanzee knife-fighting ring.

I bet it was that crazy bitch from Colorado.

Eeping submissively,

I do this sometimes!

This was a fun chapter. You really maxed out her total-fucking-dork stat, even past the hard cap at 80, which I enjoy greatly.

DannyJ – 12/23/2020
I am... more or less satisfied with the state of the review now?
I mean, except the revised paragraph, which I'm still waiting to hear back on.
Give this your stamp, and I can start getting it converted for FimFiction.

Posh – 12/23/2020
Yes bitch
I will do this momentarily

Posh – 12/23/2020
They wer ehaving sexual intercourse in the forbidden forest

DannyJ – 12/23/2020
Please just check the paragraph already. Converting this for FimFiction is a hefty job in and of itself.

Posh – 12/23/2020
I JUST GOT BACK BITCH
GET OFF OF MY DICK
OR I WILL CHARGE YOU RENT
How in god's name did the document just double in size

DannyJ – 12/23/2020
Accidentally copied over the version I pasted to FimFiction.
I was trying to paste a compressed version of the train guy gif.
One of the many issues with converting this for FimFiction is that FimFiction has a limit on the file size.

Posh – 12/23/2020
Anyway, the paragraph looks fine.

DannyJ – 12/23/2020
Really? Thank fuck.

Posh – 12/23/2020
now off of my dick.

DannyJ – 12/23/2020
I will never be off your dick, Posh.
That dick is mine.
I've earned it.

Perhaps Sunset had a wealthy patron, a posh pony princess with inexhaustible wealth sending her money through a transdimensional portal.

Or perhaps Sunset sold drugs.

Wallflower kind of hoped it was drugs. Somehow less intimidating.

You are killing it with these openings btw

Wallflower felt like butter melting on a pile of pancakes, but somehow managed to shuffle into Sunset's home without collapsing into a gooey mess.

I love this analogy because it implies both anxiety and a really soft happy gayness.

She could just barely see him standing there, staring at her through the curtain.

I'm gonna gay-marry your mom, Ray, Wally thought, keen to assert dominance over her reptilian competition for Sunset's affection.

"Is that a new striped sweater?"

"It is!" Wallflower stammered, still short-circuiting from the feel of Sunset's breath on her neck. She'd bought the sweater just the other day, and a pair of jeans to go with them. They were identical to what she normally wore, except the jeans were bluer, and the stripes of the sweater were brighter shades of beige.

Oh my God she's such a fucking DORK, this is the dorkiest I have ever seen her and I absolutely love it.

"That'sβ€” that's really sweet. But you didn't need to bring anything." Sunset's grin trembled at the edges. "Did I make you feel like you needed to bring something...?"

I like this little show of anxiety from Sunset. It's nice when people remember that for all her outward confidence, she's not exactly a paragon of mental health.

Wallflower's eyes widened when she realized what she'd screamed, and how loudly she'd screamed it. She pulled her hands against her mouth as if to shove the words back in.

I cannot get enough of how you write her, she's so likeable in such a cute and silly way, she's like nerd-Hameru but with sudden bouts of instantly-regretted confidence to say stupid things.

Apparently, we're kidnapping children and forcing them to perform back-alley abortions."

Wallflower blinked. "You never told me you were in the back-alley abortion business."

"I was worried you'd try to steal my money if you knew."

"I totally would've. That's why I'm so hurt."

"Well, joke's on you. I spent it all buying children books aboutβ€”"

"Fornicating?"

"The worst kind of fornicating." Sunset brushed a fringe of hair over her eyes, casting her face in shadow, and dropped her voice to a low register. The kind where you hold hands."

Posh is the best at fun dialogue. I learned this in a book about fornicating.

"Sephiroth is my cat," Wallflower added.

She named him this after he burned her house down.

some Fruit-By-The-Footβ€”

"I had a craving," Wallflower explained, "but don't ask me why."

Okay I laughed at this and woke up my cat so how dare you.

Glancing toward the kitchen to make sure Sunset wasn't eavesdropping, she leaned in close to the glass cage.

"So, hey, just between us, does she talk about me? Like, ever?"

Nervously talking to a gecko about romantic feelings is so fucking Wallycore

"Wally? How's it going out there?"

"I think your lizard's homophobic."

"What?"

"What?"

god fucking dammit I love this story

her mind short-circuiting so badly that she could practically smell the smoke – an acrid, burnt toast smell that tickled and stung.

uh oh

Sunset lifted her head and sniffed the air. Her eyes suddenly widened. "Fire."

uh oh

Oh. The house is on fire.

UH OH

It was really cool to see the pesto ingredients come together to save the day. Pasta is a universal coping mechanism tbh

"Cooking's more about vibes than precision. However much feels right, or tastes good, that's the correct amount."

This is incredibly correct. Smart green bitches.

Wallflower watched with muted interest as the blades pulverized the nuts and basil into a pale green paste.

"Get blended, idiots."

I'm always saying this.

"My girl can cook."

ughhhh I love this

Jesus. She said that so breezily, like it was normal for her to live off charity.

Oh. This gets to me. Hm. 2020 was a bad year. I'm still grateful for the soup and other things you sent me.

"Y'know, instead of doing this or that for each other, and trying to keep things even... we have the kind of thing where we go shopping and cook together."

Sunset didn't respond right away. She opened her mouth, closed it again, stammered out something thin and weak.

Then, suddenly, she wrapped her arms around Wallflower and pulled her in close.

Wallflower, shuddering, sank into the embrace. She buried her face in Sunset's neck and sighed with contentment, feeling safe and sound and very much at home.

ughhhhhhhh I LOVE this

"What we're not gonna skimp on, though, is milk."

That's my girl πŸ™

Then she pointed at herself. Happy Green Bitch.

Her character arc!

This whole thing was extremely fun and cute and sweet in all the right ways. Posh did an excellent job, this Sad Green Bitch is grateful πŸ’–

I came up with sad green bitches

I want the royalties

11967939
Can confirm, Dubs is my dad

this story is so funny, but it still has the more serious moments get taken more seriously. Wonderful

11967881

I'm still grateful for the soup and other things you sent me.

The soup is not an act of kindness. It is how Posh asserts his dominance over us. In accepting it, you have become Soup Girl in his mind. Do not let him pour it in your hair.

In reality, while her friends were off-roading in four-wheelers, road-tripping in EVs, or being cited in sports cars (though Rarity maintained that the pedestrian came out of nowhere)

I can see Rarity committing vehicular manslaughter so easily, it's a bit unsettling.

"Mmhm." Mom looked back at the TV, sipping her tea. "That's not the shirt you went out in."

HA!

She could never bring Sunset over after this, she realized, and Sunset could never be allowed to meet Mom.

Never say never, Wally. At least in this universe, your mom seems pretty chill. The kind of lady you could have a cup of tea and complain about the neighbors with.

I really like this characterization of Wallflower as incredibly dorky and silly and clueless alongside the usual angst and self-doubt. It's a very endearing combination. I can see why Sunset is so happy to wear out the carpet in those backseats. ;) And while I hope Wally musters up the courage to see where she and Sunset stand at some point, it seems pretty obvious to me because they're soulmates, duh.

Okay, Wallflower is somehow even dorkier than the previous chapter. I love it. :heart: And now I have a strange craving for Wonderbread, even though I'm fairly certain I've never actually eaten any.

"You wanna squish the bread, you gotta buy it first – then you can take it home, and squish it all you want. But if you're not gonna buy it, you can't squish it. Those are the rules."

These same rules apply to boobs.

"Jesus, Wally. 'I have a friend who has a friend?' Really?"

HA!

"Sparkling cider. That's wine, but for children."

I may or may not have seduced my own Sad Green Bitch with some children's wine once or twice. It's pretty damn tasty.

An older woman in yoga pants, her shopping cart laden with boxed wine and sugar-free yogurt, glared at her while covering the ears of a grinning, giggling, gap-toothed little girl.

Oh, can it, Karen. Not like your little brat hasn't overheard worse when you've binge-watched Dance Moms.

her Wallyt

Headcanon: that's also a nickname for Wallflower's whispering eye.

Eeping submissively,

Hey, my girlfriend does that sometimes!

"Go eat your fucking dinner, Wallflower."

I love every line of this man's dialogue. Seems like the cold, hard world of retail has sharpened his rather hippyish edges, and I'm all for it.

Now I'm wondering what Wally actually bought at the store. Other than probably not Wonderbread.

Oh, come the hell on, thought Wallflower, as a dopey smile broke across her face.

Hell yeah Sunset, atta girl. 😎

Oh, come the hell ON.

Wallflower, dear, patience. Wait until after dinner first. 😎😎😎

"That'sβ€” that's really sweet. But you didn't need to bring anything." Sunset's grin trembled at the edges. "Did I make you feel like you needed to bring something...?"

Ahahaha... there it is. Beneath the veneer of confidence and charm, Sunset's got her own insecurities and anxieties, and I love seeing them shine through in little moments like this. That's part of why she and Wally work so well together.

She made scissors with her hands and mooshed them together.

Subtle, Wally. Subtle.

Also, tribbing really doesn't work in that position, contrary to the slang.

I subscribe to obscure channels on topics literally nobody I've spoken to has even heard of." Wallflower struck her best 'anime girl aristocrat' pose and oh-ho-ho-ho'd.

Y'know, I'm not saying I'm opposed to Weeb Wally, but this portrayal of her is growing on me. Probably because you're having so much fun with it. I'm down for silly, dorky Wally any day of the week. It's fucking adorable. :heart:

He didn't even look at his phone, not once during the whole thing."

Wally must be one hell of a tutor. I'm so proud of her!

Apparently, we're kidnapping children and forcing them to perform back-alley abortions."

"That explains the cat on the label." Sunset regarded Wallflower contemplatively. "I didn't know you were Jewish."

HA!

She stepped up to Wallflower, and planted a tiny smooch on the tip of her nose, which made Wallflower giggle and melt just a little bit more.

Godddd they're so cute together. :heart:

She kinda tells anyone who'll listen, like she's Catholic and the whole world is one giant confessional.

Oh man, that's one hell of a line. Fantastic. I'm gonna steal this.

"I can tell something's off with her when we're together. Everything's too... too clean, too easy."

Something that makes anxiety so insidious is how good things can often set off just as many, if different, alarms as bad ones. When you're used to everything going wrong, things going right sometimes can feel like the sword of Damocles--only you can't catastrophize as easily when that blade is forged of good steel rather than wrought iron. What I mean is, I like that Wallflower's anxiety comes from the fact that things have been good, and nothing bad has happened yet, rather than necessarily focusing on her own insecurities due to her past actions or negative views of herself. It's very real, and relatable.

Deciding not to voice that thought, Wallflower pulled her finger away from the glass, disappointed to find that she'd drawn what she always drew when she had nervous energy to burn: a big, round eyeball with jagged blood vessels.

Does she always draw this because she once found it floating ominously in her kitchen during some twilight hour?

Ray's eyes seemed to narrow.

My take? Ray isn't homophobic; he's a puritan. Two girls? Kissing? Holding hands, even? Sure, whatever. But now, they're in his room, about to defile his sacred chamber with the wanton sounds of passion and trembling girlhoods? Ugh. Can't you at least pull a JD Vance and fuck on the couch instead?

A jolt stiffened Sunset for the barest of moments. "I don't have the guitar anymore. Put it up for consignment a while back. My amp, too."

Oh shit, Sunset's the broke one in this story, isn't she? Interesting.

"What?" Wallflower blinked. "Can we keep making out?"

HA! I love this girl.

Poor Sunset. She's broke, doesn't know what she's doing, and is desperate to please and impress the pretty girl she invited over to her humble little home. Man, that's such a mood. πŸ˜” Thank God for Arm & Hammer and Wallflower being there to stop this story from getting too dark and angsty too quick. And thank God Wallflower unknowingly bought the main ingredient to make pesto... pesto makes everything better.

Love how Sunset and Wally interact and play off of each other in this story. This is some good swamp. :heart:

That seemed kinda racist to Wallflower,

Right?! What the hell, Rarity! 🀣

Danger Carousel.

Wally, no!

I'm pretty sure Sunset inherited Celestia's poor cooking skills via osmosis.

How did this woman own a blender, but not something practical to stir with?

C'mon Wally, isn't it obvious?

gifdb.com/images/high/ice-cube-i-m-broke-as-a-joke-8gven3cfil624x4a.gif

Tier two subscriber doesn't have ingredients doesn't own a spatulaβ€”

Doesn't own a cheese grater doesn't own a spatula tier two subscriber to Dining With Dineshβ€”

This reminds me of my first apartment (I moved out at 18), where I made it a priority to find and buy a pool table, complete with billiards set, cues, and cue rack, but the only spices I had in my cupboards were salt and pepper. My first roommate was baffled I didn't have anything else. She was one of my very humble introductions to this thing called "cooking". (You mean you can make something other than sandwiches, cereal, and hitting up the Taco Bell drive-thru??)

"Get blended, idiots."

I heard this in my girlfriend's voice. 😎

And I wanted you to think I was cool. Confident, mature – the way everyone sees me, the way they've always seen me since school."

Damn, big mood, Sunset. No wonder I love this character.

That wasn't a slur, was it?

It's okay, Wallflower; in Equestria, hot chicks get the D-word pass.

"My girl can cook."

:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:

Silly Wally, you've been hers longer than you could ever imagine.

"I need you to sit on my face," Wallflower mumbled.

😎😎😎

"Y'know, instead of doing this or that for each other, and trying to keep things even... we have the kind of thing where we go shopping and cook together."

Wallflower, shuddering, sank into the embrace. She buried her face in Sunset's neck and sighed with contentment, feeling safe and sound and very much at home.

Together, home. :heart: That's what everything boils down to, in the end. And you've captured this beautifully.

Gotta say, I was not expecting a bit of role-reversal in this story with Wallflower being the one to comfort and help Sunset out of a bad situation. Struggling to get by and not really knowing how to take care of yourself isn't, like, life-threatening, but harmful in its own way, nonetheless. Seeing Wallflower save the evening and plant the seeds for Sunset to start taking better care of herself is beautiful and heartwarming and a wonderful resolution to Wallflower's own worries about her perceived inadequacies and uncertainty in their relationship. It's a refreshing twist on a common thread between these two, and I'm so here for it.

Wallflower dropped the box into the cart, where it joined two big cans of tomato paste, three small onions, a large jar of crunchy peanut butter, and a bag of frozen vegetable medley.

Peanut butter and frozen vegetables are definitely high on the list of must-haves for cheap/backup meal planning. Wally knows her shit. Sunset is lucky to have her. :heart:

She pushed the cart down the aisle and trundled towards the dairy, Sunset looping her arm around Wallflower's waist as they walked. She'd been doing that a lot when they were out in public lately. It hadn't gotten old yet. Wallflower doubted it would.

To borrow a phrase from someone dear to me: Oh my God they're so CUTE and GAY and IN LOVE :heart: :heart: :heart:

That was something she told herself as she browsed the websites of every consignment store in town looking for one guitar in particular. She hadn't found it yet, but the ones she had found would eat up half her savings.

The look on Sunset's face when she got her guitar back, though, would make it worthwhile.

Wally is so pure and good and wonderful and beautiful. Sunset should marry her someday, eventually.

"Yeah, I gotcha. Still owe you for that egg cream incident."

Not the egg cream incident!

Also, yay, more Sandalwood! I like that guy. I love how Sunset's instant familiarity with him stirs up the scurrying, anxious brain-mice of Wally's self-doubt, and that the solution to this is to just... let 'em scurry. Get out of your head, focus on your cute girlfriend, and pay no mind to the chewing in the walls. That's all we can really do, right? Try to live and love and educate our loved ones on the proper number of cheese graters to purchase, despite whatever doubts we might have. Try not to feed the fears by freezing in place and forgetting where we are.

Because--eventually--mice that don't have anything to munch on... will move on. That's the hope, at least, and I think you've summed that up in this heartwarming, hilarious little story.

Good swamp. :heart:

This was a great read, and it's going in my favorites. There's only one thing missing, though, and that's some sly tip-off that you, the author, have actually seen My Dinner with Andre. I mean just a quick reference to an electric blanket, or a Druidic ceremony in a hippie commune, either one would do it. But I'm not seeing it, and that makes me sad, because anyone capable of writing this would get a lot out of watching it every 20 years or so.

Came for the pesto
Stayed for the dawwwww

'Weebed' as a verb is incredible writing.

11968401 I’ll take your recommendation! It does seem like it’d be up my alley.

But no, I’m only familiar with the Simpsons parody.

totally not pandering to Eileen

11968620
I think the problem is marketing. If the title were "Two Hours With Wallace Shawn," everybody would want to watch it.

And what was the egg cream incident? Hell, what was egg cream?

It contains neither egg nor cream. Discuss.

In any case, brilliant study of Green Bitch and Disaster Horse, especially the latter's struggle to survive without the direct, constant supervision of her friends. Really, it's a miracle she made it this far. Plus, this may be the first time I've ever seen Chekhov's Pesto, and it worked to brilliant effect. Thank you for a delightful read and best of luck in the judging.

11967797
The comments from you and 11968361 made for a fantastic accompaniment to the main text. Thank you both.

"That explains the cat on the label." Sunset regarded Wallflower contemplatively. "I didn't know you were Jewish."

Honestly, I feel like gamer girl Sunset would me more likely to know about one of the most famous villains in gaming than the Jewish tree of life. But still, good joke.

I love the way you write these two. Full of chaotic gay joy, which, really, is one of the best kinds of joy. I now have a new appreciation for Sad-to-Happy Green Bitch and her fiery lesbian girlfriend, and I thank you.

11968981 Sunset's familiarity with vibeo game probably doesn't extend further back than her time in Humanland. I see her taste being pretty basic, too. Sports, racing, The Last of Us.

she wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

11968620
oh hey look what I found
https://archive.org/details/my-dinner-with-andre-720p

Edit: it suddenly occurs to me that if you haven’t seen MDWA, you actually wrote that whole thing while completely unaware that the character in MDWA that isn’t Andre is named Wally.

This was great! Love it when Wally gets to be silly.

"Do you worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster or something?"
"Does this world have those?"
"... I'm just going to make pesto now."

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