5. To Express The Inexpressable
Sunset Shimmer stared at the pale orange box in her hands. She read the label, mouthing the name – BARGAINMART-BRAND CORN CEREAL PRODUCT – and frowned.
"Doesn't being cheaper also mean it's worse?"
With a sigh, Wallflower plucked the box out of Sunset's hands – Sunset's fingers wiggled, trying to grip what was no longer there – and held it next to the neon orange box of CAPTAIN CORNHOLE'S CRISPY CORSAIRS.
"You're paying less for the same amount of food. The difference in quality is practically nothing, but the difference in price is—"
"Also practically nothing."
"I'm telling you, it adds up. Trust me." Wallflower dropped the box into the cart, where it joined two big cans of tomato paste, three small onions, a large jar of crunchy peanut butter, and a bag of frozen vegetable medley. "What we're not gonna skimp on, though, is milk."
She pushed the cart down the aisle and trundled towards the dairy, Sunset looping her arm around Wallflower's waist as they walked. She'd been doing that a lot when they were out in public lately. It hadn't gotten old yet. Wallflower doubted it would.
"Getting mixed signals on this bargain-hunting thing," said Sunset as they pulled up to the dairy aisle. "I mean, buy cereal cheap, but buy milk at a mark-up? Next you're gonna tell me to mix caviar into mac-'n-cheese."
"They don't sell caviar here; you gotta go uptown for that."
Wallflower picked out a carton of organic 2% and held it up, presenting it like the sexy assistant on a game show.
"Occasionally, pricier stuff can get you more bang for your buck than store-brand or discount," she said. "For instance, this organic milk is more expensive, but it keeps longer, and tastes better. Not everything needs to be bought at a bargain. Sometimes, it's okay to spend."
That was something she told herself as she browsed the websites of every consignment store in town looking for one guitar in particular. She hadn't found it yet, but the ones she had found would eat up half her savings.
The look on Sunset's face when she got her guitar back, though, would make it worthwhile.
"Hey," Sunset said, drawing Wallflower's attention again. She jerked her thumb at a glass bottle on the milk shelf and smirked. "Wanna get raw milk?"
"Wanna get Listeria?" Wallflower dropped the milk into the cart, and kept trundling on. "Anyway, as I was saying, organic stuff isn't always worth the extra money you drop on it. With milk, though, it absolutely is. You got that?"
"Organic milk, smooth as silk. Drink raw, get lockjaw." Sunset leaned against Wallflower's shoulder. "You take me to the best places."
She sounded sincere. Wallflower hoped she was. They'd spent the last few dates hunting for stuff to make Sunset's living space a little more livable, and Wallflower had quickly learned that Sunset didn't have an eye for bargains, so she took it on herself to educate her. Last Tuesday was about socks and underwear; Saturday would be for appliances. Today was about groceries.
Wallflower thought she was being helpful, but now that Sunset had said something about it, she couldn't get it out of her mind. Was she mothering Sunset? Trying too hard?
She was turning her worries over in her mind when she saw Sandalwood halfway down the condiment aisle, kneeling in front of the mayonnaise shelf with a label-maker in his hands. He looked up and saw Wallflower, and flashed her a peace sign.
Wallflower pulled the cart to a stop and wiggled her fingers in reply, then pointed at Sunset. Kissing friend, she mouthed. Then she pointed at herself. Happy Green Bitches.
Sandalwood responded with a wink and a sly grin.
"Sup?" said Sunset, crossing into Wallflower's view. "Do we need something down here?"
"Nah. Just saying hi to Sandalwood."
"Oh." Sunset waved down the aisle. "Hey, dude! Wally's teaching me how to save money. She told me you get an employee discount?"
Wallflower's face burned. She buried it in her hands, groaning – she should've asked him for that, because the bonds they’d forged in garden club endured like the mighty redwoods, whereas she was pretty sure he and Sunset had never exchanged words outside of—
"Yeah, I gotcha. Still owe you for that egg cream incident."
"You're the man. See you later!"
Sunset nudged the small of Wallflower's back, making her eep and push the cart again. They were headed toward the bread aisle – Wallflower wanted to see if there was anything discounted that wasn't too stale to be edible – but Sunset pulled her to a stop after only a few aisles had passed.
"Wait, hold up a sec. Waitwaitwait. There's something down here I wanna grab."
She bolted down the aisle, leaving Wallflower alone with the cart. In her absence, Wallflower found herself thinking things she wished she wouldn't – things she couldn't help.
Sunset was so familiar with Sandalwood, even though Wallflower had never seen them talk before. She didn't have a problem with Sunset having old friends – she wasn't jealous or paranoid – but Wallflower had to beg for his employee discount on a good day, and he just gave it to her on the first ask. Just how close were they? Had they stayed in touch after graduating, or were they just so close that they could still speak casually with one another after years had passed? Was lockjaw a symptom of Listeriosis?
And what was the egg cream incident? Hell, what was egg cream?
Worries and fears and old anxieties scrambled around Wallflower's thoughts like the mice that were rumored to live in store walls. So many things she still didn’t know about Sunset – so many humiliating things Sunset still didn’t know about her. Sooner or later, they'd all come out. What would she and Sunset be when they did?
Maybe nothing.
Then, suddenly, a sing-song voice cut through Wallflower's worries like a red-hot blade, snapping her out of her mental stewing.
"Wally~!"
Sunset stood in front of the cart with a grin that put the sun to shame, and four cheese graters, two in each hand, dangling from her fingers.
"I saw your face when I said I didn't have one," she said, holding the graters up. "You looked like your brain was gonna fall out of your head."
Despite her mood, Wallflower couldn't help but laugh. "I appreciate the gesture, but you only need one cheese grater."
"The other three are for insurance."
"Well, if one turns out to not be enough, we can come back more. But for now?"
She reached behind Sunset to pinch her butt, and got a squeak and a smile in return.
"I'm so glad you're with me, Wally," said Sunset. "Because I totally would've bought the other three."
She turned, and bounced down the aisle to return the excess graters. In her absence, the sour thoughts that troubled Wallflower before almost returned, tiny mouse-feet scrabbling in her brainpain. But Sandalwood's advice from not long ago echoed in her memory.
'You gotta get outside your own head.'
Wallflower looked at Sunset's freshly pinched butt, and thought of her smile full of sunshine, and that was enough to kill the brain mice – for now, anyway. If they ever came back, she'd pinch another smile out of Sunset, kill 'em dead again, and feed their corpses to Sephiroth.
Nah, he likes live prey. Do spotted geckos eat brain mice?
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new swamp
Sad green bitches? By poshy woshy?? Time to drop everything and read this immediately
That's my girl 🙏
Her character arc!
This whole thing was extremely fun and cute and sweet in all the right ways. Posh did an excellent job, this Sad Green Bitch is grateful 💖
I came up with sad green bitches
I want the royalties
Posh my beloved.
11967939
Can confirm, Dubs is my dad
this story is so funny, but it still has the more serious moments get taken more seriously. Wonderful
11967881
The soup is not an act of kindness. It is how Posh asserts his dominance over us. In accepting it, you have become Soup Girl in his mind. Do not let him pour it in your hair.
Peanut butter and frozen vegetables are definitely high on the list of must-haves for cheap/backup meal planning. Wally knows her shit. Sunset is lucky to have her.
To borrow a phrase from someone dear to me: Oh my God they're so CUTE and GAY and IN LOVE
Wally is so pure and good and wonderful and beautiful. Sunset should marry her someday, eventually.
Not the egg cream incident!
Also, yay, more Sandalwood! I like that guy. I love how Sunset's instant familiarity with him stirs up the scurrying, anxious brain-mice of Wally's self-doubt, and that the solution to this is to just... let 'em scurry. Get out of your head, focus on your cute girlfriend, and pay no mind to the chewing in the walls. That's all we can really do, right? Try to live and love and educate our loved ones on the proper number of cheese graters to purchase, despite whatever doubts we might have. Try not to feed the fears by freezing in place and forgetting where we are.
Because--eventually--mice that don't have anything to munch on... will move on. That's the hope, at least, and I think you've summed that up in this heartwarming, hilarious little story.
Good swamp.
This was a great read, and it's going in my favorites. There's only one thing missing, though, and that's some sly tip-off that you, the author, have actually seen My Dinner with Andre. I mean just a quick reference to an electric blanket, or a Druidic ceremony in a hippie commune, either one would do it. But I'm not seeing it, and that makes me sad, because anyone capable of writing this would get a lot out of watching it every 20 years or so.
11968401 I’ll take your recommendation! It does seem like it’d be up my alley.
But no, I’m only familiar with the Simpsons parody.
totally not pandering to Eileen11968620
I think the problem is marketing. If the title were "Two Hours With Wallace Shawn," everybody would want to watch it.
It contains neither egg nor cream. Discuss.
In any case, brilliant study of Green Bitch and Disaster Horse, especially the latter's struggle to survive without the direct, constant supervision of her friends. Really, it's a miracle she made it this far. Plus, this may be the first time I've ever seen Chekhov's Pesto, and it worked to brilliant effect. Thank you for a delightful read and best of luck in the judging.
11967797
The comments from you and 11968361 made for a fantastic accompaniment to the main text. Thank you both.
I love the way you write these two. Full of chaotic gay joy, which, really, is one of the best kinds of joy. I now have a new appreciation for Sad-to-Happy Green Bitch and her fiery lesbian girlfriend, and I thank you.
This was quite nice!
11968981 Sunset's familiarity with vibeo game probably doesn't extend further back than her time in Humanland. I see her taste being pretty basic, too. Sports, racing, The Last of Us.
she wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
11968620
oh hey look what I found
https://archive.org/details/my-dinner-with-andre-720p
Edit: it suddenly occurs to me that if you haven’t seen MDWA, you actually wrote that whole thing while completely unaware that the character in MDWA that isn’t Andre is named Wally.
11971174 my power is maximum
This was great! Love it when Wally gets to be silly.
This was delightful.
11977759 you’re delightful