• Member Since 13th Mar, 2018
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Kaydog9734


Comments ( 35 )

Why isn’t there a dark tag?

11987674
You can only select 3 blue tags and I had to pick between them

You do a very good job at painting the defeat and despair in this chapter and the last , my imagination painting the image in great detail I teared up in sadness and anger, you got to keep this going, beneficent author hehe.

Congrats on getting to the front-page picks :>!

11987924
Thank chu! I'm so happy about how everyone has been enjoying the story!

Very solid start.

The "OC" tag is meant specifically for ponies; other species like changelings should use their own tag in addition if they're a major focus.

Great chapter!

If you have ever eaten an mre, you soon find out, the best way to ingest the coffee powder is to eat it straight. Still tastes bad, but you can chase it with your flavor packeted water and you spend less time tasting it.

11988531
I actually do know that, in the story I'm speaking from the perspective of someone that has never had an MRE before so she is hating it lol

11988535
I could tell from your descriptions that you either are or were military of some flavor from the (in)edibility of mres or were a military historian from the fully accurate description of the k-rations. Too bad nephila doesn't have a jeep engine to cook the tins.

11988556
Wish I served, but I spend my time teaching history to kids, I specialize in military history when it comes to my favorite field and something I've done is study and tasted the various MRE's, God are those things awful and amazing at the same time.

11988563
My brother served in the reserves, so I got to eat all the mres he didn't want. My grandpa also served during WW2 and was a historian so my family got all the history stuff. I too wished to serve, but couldn't get a waiver. That being said, mre #9 beef stew is better than any chicken menu option and I will die on that hill.

Note: if you wish to torment nephila, feed her a menu option #4 veggie omelet. The only thing worse than that would be The Five Fingers.

Another note if you didn't already know: the P-rations for WW2 paratroopers going into France included white silk stockings. Probably wouldn't fit into this story but, who knows.

11988572
Didn't know about that when it came to the P-Rations, never heard of them! I'll definitely have to study it some more, I actually don't plan to make her eat those rations lol, she'll be eating a few standard K rations since I believe Equestrian technology levels are all over the place, but I feel ww2 rations were a good fit for Equestria, especially for one set around 5 to 10 years prior to the events of the Canterlot invasion.

11988194
OC stands for original character and is used in all kinds of things, mlp fics cringy sonic fics literally everywhere.

11988584
There's still the fact that the people who would most want to see this story are likely looking for the "Changelings" tag and not the "OC" one.

Story's nice, but ow, chapter 4's really hard to read through on account of the massive bricks of text.

11988903
Apologies for that, thanks for the constructive criticism!

The paragraphs here are really bulky, and some of the sentences, too. I'd suggest using something like Grammarly to help catch the long sentences, and breaking up some of the text blocks into paragraphs? At the very least, you should start a new paragraph whenever there's a different speaker.

Other than that, still a very good chapter ^^

Girl needs therapy
...Which would be hard, given she wouldn't be able to say anything truthful about what she's going through.

11988962
Mhm, A major plan for this story is go over her trauma especially without the help of therapy as she'd have as you said a difficult time doing it.

I think there's a building in the way of the text. A nice building but still a building.

This gets a 7/10 for good interesting worldbuilding. It would be higher but you built so many walls I can't see the text hiding in suburbia. Grammarly's web version is free.

First of all, thank you for your creativity. It was really interesting to read. The story of the survival of an "undesirable person" among ordinary ponies is very intriguing. I also liked the way you described the influence of the "collective mind" on changelings. Nephila has experienced a terrible shock. It's lucky that the representatives of her hive are quite individual. Otherwise, she would have died from the consequences of a "synapse rupture", that is, loneliness.
Special respect for the author's drawing. It's cute and cool.
I would also like to mention some points that seemed strange to me. Nephila eats a lot of regular food. Really a lot! And the moment of meeting the local nurse looks a little ordinary. Seriously, dude, the main character is a changeling, and this pony was so emotional! But Nephila didn't feel it.

she quickly drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

It's dangerous. What if someone comes into her room?

The story is interesting enough that I will continue to follow it to see what becomes of Nephila. However, you tend to rush some scenes that could use more amplification. An obvious example in this chapter, why was Nurse Spearmint so happy to have a new nurse that she was crying? My thought is that Red Springs is such a small and isolated town that there's a chronic shortage of skilled workers for several professions. Spearmint could explain this, ask for pardon for being so overwhelming, and project immense gratitude which Nephila could consume.

And that's another point – you really need to show her getting her emotional sustenance in various ways. While my own fanon includes normal food in a changeling's diet needed for physical growth, they get their energy from consuming positive emotions, especially love. No amount of solid food can replace that. It's one of the challenges a disguised changeling must face.

I only noticed one mistake:

“Oh Celetstia, let me look at you!”

You might want to look at breaking up over-long paragraphs too.

11995863
Thank you for the compliments and constructive criticism, we were trying to rush the last chapter a bit and we realized errors after that are hard to fix, like the lack of Nephila feeding off the emotions of the nurse was a complete oversight, also in this story she comes from a changeling hive that feasts on physical foods as a supplement to emotions, emotions are more filling but physical can be a decent stand in. Twas an evolutionary trait gained for her hive.

I just want to say that I'm still really looking forward to the continuation of this fic.

Survivors guilt is one heck of a doozy
Hopefully she's going to be able to mentally handle the death of everyling in her hive besides herself enough to not go insane

the scariest thing she noticed was around it's wooden maw was old dried blood from the creatures former prey, she did not want to end up like them.

Creature's*

11997531
Methinks this is the kind of explanation you need to work into the story, even if that requires an edit of previous chapters to provide such.

It's alive!
I was just as stunned as Nephi. The poor girl just needs a day off.

12084360
*takes drag of cigarette* It only gets worse from here /partially joking

12084398
And yet... I think it's better than if she remembers the horrors she experienced during the storming of her native hive. Dead children... death of friends, death of the Queen... the death of her race. It's better for Nephi to immerse herself in her work than to suffer.

I also like the way you describe Nephi's little joys in life. For example, a long-awaited rest after a trip, or a nice dinner or a hot shower. It makes her alive and vulnerable.

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