- Member Since 14th Jan, 2012
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Tyrannosaurus_Tux
Sometimes I write stories.
Tyrannosaurus_Tux
Joined 14th Jan, 2012 ·
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Oh dear.
Someone found a bigger rock.
And theyve lost Maud.
Why hasn't this story gotten more views, likes, and comments?!
Admittedly, I only just now stumbled up on it, and that was only because I was looking at recently updated G5 fics, but still, this is great! Here is, as far as I know, the only G5 40K story in existence! And it's got worldbuilding! Interesting storyline! Unique perspectives!
How often is it that we experience 40K from the view of a pony who' a tech clerk? Most 40K stories feature ponies as warriors, or at war with the Imperium; here is a pony who is integrated in the Imperium, along with all of ponykind, except in the unglamorous role of a desk jockey, who just tries her best, both at her regular job, and when being thrust into unfortunate situations like a warp infestation!
And even still, Sunny's persona shines through! From texting her friends with heart emojis, to scoffing at the fear and hatred of Imperium propaganda and instead focusing on the aspects of love, to her grief over the suffering of the little human girl and even grief over the suffering of Cassie, who helped trick her. You've got their personalities down pat, even in this environment!
Even your original characters are interesting, though, admittedly their motivations are abit confusing. From what I can tell, Baker is the pony equivalent of a drug-runner, who happened upon Sunny by chance and decided to use her as a pawn to get into certain Imperium admin systems. Hitch was an undercover cop working at Baker's bar. Zipp is also an enforcer, but is either to blunt or too well known to be truly undercover, so instead she roped her sister Pipp into it by appearing to be her concerned older sister/bodyguard while she frequented Baker's bar. When Hitch and Zipp assessed that Baker would be using Sunny, they tagged/tailed her, which led to Baker's stash house. Also, because they knew Sunny was essentially an innocent bystander, they put in a good word for her, which allowed her to be essentially released...just before the invasion began. So she could be deputized instead of acting as a penal conscript.
Touchdown is just the slightly crazed off-kilter side-character. I'm not sure what role Misty Brightdawn is playing? Was she working undercover for Opaline? Opaline is only mentioned in passing once so far; wonder if she runs the Maretime sector or something? And still no sign of Izzy either. Whish probably means there's plenty more chapters and build-up in the works!
And then there's the worldbuilding! You've created a truly unique hive-city amongst a truly unique hive-world! One that's much more suitable for habitation than commonly-portrayed hive cities, and probably as a reflection of ponykind's influences (like the park-settings).
Plus, you have good grammar, engaging battle scenes, fantastic emotional inner turmoil over Sunny's first taste of battle; just a great story overall!
And it looks like you're updating on the regular, so I hope there's more soon!
12150134
Attention spans are short, unfortunately.
12150134
I don't think I got lucky. Maybe I will if I keep updating it. As for Tabby and the gang, they're not wholly original, being from a heisting FPS; Crime Boss Rockay City. Campy fun. They have been changed suitably for my purposes. Your comment really made my day.
First chapter down, I have some thoughts.
Helix pointed at the console with an old finger,
Tenderly, Sunny ran a hoof over the two synthetic diamonds that were embedded underneath the photograph.
Is Helix an anthro pony and sunny quadrupedal?
I thought Helix was a human before he said "Me and a few other ponies,"
I should also say I thought a bunch of ponies saving up to buy a ticket for Sunny to be kind of a weak call to action. It seems like she's doing something that has been foisted upon her. If you changed it to, instead, Sunny using work credits she's earned after years to finally afford the ticket herself, than that shows initiative on her part and makes her more interesting.
You also have some trouble with sentence structure, IMO.
"Sunny shook her head and flicked some of her purple mane"
I would instead write as
"Sunny shook her head and flicked her purple mane."
It is tighter and more concise, and sounds better. Qualifiers like 'some, little, pretty,' and the like are leeches that suck the blood of literature and should be excised. "We should all do a little better." Vs. "We should all do better." "I think it's pretty awesome." Vs "I think it's awesome."
Helix then put something on Sunny's table. She froze, then looked at what it was that was being offered by Helix and her coworkers.
Is clumsy. It would be better as
Helix dropped something on the table. She beheld their offering in a frozen trance.
Otherwise, I do very much like the premise. Horsewarhammer is a niche hyperfixation of mine.
12156783
I thank you for your input. I wouldn't even say that this is the call to action. That comes a bit later.
A relatively short, but still good, chapter!
We get a little bit more info on the other characters; Misty is, apparently, the daughter of Opaline (though through adoption or not is unknown), who was the mayor of the Maretime Sector. What exactly that entails is also unknown. If "mayor" in this sense is actually an inherited or family title, rather than an elected position, then Misty may have just become mayor herself.
Also unknown is whether Opaline treated her as abusively as in the show. If she did, then this may actually be better for Misty in the long-term. Still, to lose the only family you know, even if they're abusive, must be devastating. Opaline also apparently had dealings with Baker, even lending him Misty as a secretary (and also maybe to spy on him for her), and then had a falling-out with him of some sort?
Pipp is okay, thank goodness (though why Zipp referred to her by her full name of Pipp Petals, I'm not sure? Are they true sisters in this fic, or were they just pretending to be sisters so Zipp could more easily infiltrate Baker's bar?).
Izzy is a cleric of some kind? Or maybe she's just really good with creative ideas that boost morale?
Poor Hitch. At least he still has full cognitive function, unlike Casey. If Hitch is a father to Sparky in the fic, then that might impair his abilities abit, and he might need to rely on Zipp and the others to help (the scene where Zipp runs up to hug him was really touching, showing the level of caring emotion that exists even amidst war). Or maybe he'll find Sparky later in the fic, as an orphaned egg or baby, whose parents were killed in the invasion, and decide to adopt him? A ray of hope and kindness amidst all the chaos and despair. Or maybe Sparky doesn't exist in the fic at all.
And Sunny...is apparently set for a greater destiny than a dataclerk-turned-deputy. Apparently those intermission chapters weren't just alternate POVs, but were also visions? The sheriff seems to be taking it okay (for now), but how will others react when Sunny's vision-dreams prove increasingly accurate? Will they accuse her of being touched by Chaos to the point of being a spy, or a threat? Or will they start to see her as being a psyck, or touched by the Emperor/Solar's will? Or both? Something else? It'll certainly be interesting to see, no doubt.
One things for sure, she's starting to get her footing (hoofing?) as a deputy in wartime, and is increasingly determined to protect her new friends in ways she couldn't even fathom doing just a few days ago.
Looking forward to more!
12160485
I'm gonna level with you; I never watched G5. I'm skimming the wikia for lore to appropriate.
12160524
Well for someone who hasn't watched it, you sure seem to have everyone in-character thus far, especially Sunny.
If you do need so advice or ideas as to a character's personality or how they would act, or their relationship with each other, I have seen the show, so I can offer assistance if you need.
So Sunny is, in fact, a psyker (at least, for now...hints of possibly becoming something much greater in the future?). This would confirm that ponies can also become psykes.
All things considered, she's handling it remarkably well. Instead of drowning in sorrow or worry, she's adapting as quickly as she can to use her abilities to help out as many as she can, in whatever way she can.
She's so caught up in the goal, that' she's only just barely registered what this will mean for her on personal level. Psykes aren't really administratum material, meaning her previous employment is probably void. All of her previous friends, who were so kind to her and helped kick in to send her on this vacation, may treat her entirely differently (if they're even still alive). As for her new friends...their comradery has been mostly forged in battle, so how well that holds up in peacetime is still an open question (though, if its anything like the show, they'll stick together through thick and thin from now on...yes, I'm remember you said you haven't seen the show, but since friendship is still the central pillar, it wouldn't be hard to guess).
And then there's her home. Right now, she loves her hive city and the planet its on. And, as far as hive cities go, it seems rather pleasant (one almost wonders if most hive cities aren't, in fact, much more pleasant in this alternate universe, compared to most 40k standard hive cities, because of the inclusion and influence of ponies and other species to make them more habitable), but psykes almost exclusively serve the Imperium, and are at its beck-and-call, to go where they are needed. Unless the hive, and Maretime Sector's law enforcement in particular, have need of a dedicated psyker when this battle is over with, then who knows where she may end up (or how her friends will justify staying with her on her travels...which they inevitably will).
But through it all, it's great to see that there's still a loving, kind, forgiving Sunny beneath all the changes.
Hmm, now, with her new powers, I wonder how she might respond should the sheriff, or someone above him in the ranks, refuse to remove the explosive collars from the conscripts after the battle? After all, Sunny's collar might help keep her in check, and she might not be able to remove hers, but that doesn't mean she can't use her powers to disable non-psyker collars like those on the conscripts, if she's felt they've earned their redemptions, regardless of what certain higher-ups think.
Please tell me Luna taught Curse how to Dream Walk so he can pull some Freddy Crueger shit.
Demon Princess!? Hmm, Nightmare Moon's out since Luna's babysitting Curze. You mentioned Opaline as if she had a larger role in the Hive World.
My prime suspects are Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer, or perhaps...Cozy Glow?
12178838
Alright, I'll show my hand a little. We saw her briefly in the previous story.
Red eyes, white with black veins, is the pony version of Salem still alive?
Hot damn, I hope Sunny doesn't have to wear that gag for too long.
Huh, never occurred to me for them to use the climate controls like that as a weapon. Very ingenious. Then again, most "traditional" hives in 40K probably don't have climate systems that work that well. In this universe, however, it seems hives with a high Equestrian population demand a bit higher standards when it comes to maintenance and living standards.
Poor Sunny; at the start of the trip, she was filled with excitement and sending out heart emojis to all her friends, inwardly chastizing the propogandists who espoused the harsher rhetoric of the Imperium whilst ignoring the aspects of unity and love. Now, she's using Canterlot voice to scream out how much she hates the enemy. She's learning that the love is still there; just now that it's manifesting itself from the fear of what will happen to those same friends she loved, and the new ones she's loving even more, if the enemy wins.
Hmm, Pipp should be livestreaming this. Sunny would get so many likes, she'd be eligible for sainthood. Half the population would be horrified of her, the other half envious, all of them grateful.
Imperium of Contradictions indeed. I'm glad it's pointed out the hypocrisy of war and desperation; how the sheriff comforts Sunny right after forcibly sending conscripts to their deaths. If the invasion had started not even an hour earlier than it had, just before the sheriff had set Sunny free, then she'd be among those conscripts sent into the hole.
12156783
How's it look now?
Heh, Grampapas is really living up to his name.
Compared to her initial opinion of him, and Ogryns in general, by the time the initial conflict is over, Sunny might well view him as an unofficial grampa, and make special trips out to visit him and get her cuddle fix...if he survives, that is.
Ah, and now Twilight more fully enters the mix. Up until now, this story was mostly independent of the previous one (and can still pretty much be read independently...which is admittedly what I'm doing), but this indicates things might get more heavily involved soon, and that Sunny really is destined for big things if the dead are whispering her name to the merchant prince. Plus, even the civilians seem to love her (naturally), and are willing to defend her as she is them, so she's getting popular, even with her psyker status...maybe even more because of it.
Hmm, still not much sign of the other G5 characters; hope that means for even cooler entrances when they hopefully do show up and integrate themselves fully into Sunny's crew.
The more you describe the main villain, the more it sounds like Salem