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This was a really fun story to hear all the functionality o the latex suit and all the testing, I hope this will lead to a sequel story. Keep it up dude.
Maybe I haven't read enough entries on this site, but this has to be one of the only stories where pegasi use weather termonology for their swears... and Honestly I think we as readers are missing out!
For a race solely responsible for Equestria's weather it makes sense for them to have terms and sayings oriented around things like precipitation and wind pressure, makes me want to come up with a few of my own.
"I'm not saying She's a sleet, but everypony new exactly who was in trouble last Tuesday from the sound of her screams"
"check out the cumulonimbus over there, somepony should lay off the hayburgers."
"By the strands of the Cirrus Kelvin-Helmholtz! What the BUCK is that!"
11944422
Yeah, I think it makes sense for the culture. If AJ can have countryisms, so can the pegasi. Just like a unicorn saying someone annoying is "hurt in my horn", or something. As long as there's not too many of those, I think they're a nice decoration.
11944354
Yeah, it was interesting to figure out the whys and hows of it. I doubt there will be a sequel, though, unless I get the same person for Summer Sin Celebration next year. :D
This was def an interesting take on the prompt you were given. There were quite a few times where I was trying to figure out the fundamentals of tubes and latex but other than that, it's a very solid, loved the build up especially. I almost felt like this wasn't worth the M tag until the ending.
11944739
I'm glad you found it interesting! I enjoyed building it up, and I hope the finale lived up to the expectations I tried to set up throughout it.
I probably could have described the suit better, but whenever I tried, it just ended up being a lot of boring explanations that really bogged down the story's pacing. But hey, live and learn.
I said I'll give you a review for each chapter, so here goes.
Prequel to this story review:
So, I’ve read this story a dozen times already. Usually, I can instantly spot mistakes in any story, but this one was different. The writing was really good. It just flows.
I could basically write reasons for liking every sentence of this story, but I’m a negative person and I prefer to focus on the negatives, even if they’re drowning in positives as is the case with this story.
It took me several reads before I even started to notice any cracks. So prepare for the most nitpicky reviews ever.
Review of Chapter 1: Odd Job
Positive:
This made me chuckle.
Fun fact, Equestria didn't even have coffee. It was only after Starswirl the Bearded brought coffee beans from an alternate dimention that coffee started to exist in Equestria. I'm not making this up. This is canon.
Negative:
I love your setup here and Rainbow Dash’s motivation to do odd jobs. But I don’t get this:
Would she bleach her coat to conceal her identity to avoid tax collectors? Is that how this should be interpreted? Or would her coat bleach by itself if she didn’t have a job?
she’d care to admit
It’s referenced, but not explained what that is. Is it a place or a pony? Is that where RD got her odd job? How exactly did that happen? Is there like an office for odd jobs?
The things that are described in the chapter are shown wonderfully. But some things are just referenced which adds some questions into the reader’s mind that never get a precise answer.
Why is she already wearing it? Where did she get it? Did she already have a session with the stallion or did she get this job (and the uniform) in some job-exchange buro in Tall Tell? The story only started, and I’m already confused.
It’s an action tag (and not a said tag), so ‘she’ should be capitalized.
It seems as if she knows him, yet she doesn’t even know his name? How?
She assumed they didn’t have any water.
He hovered a water bag, but we readers don’t know if it’s full or empty.
They only have one water bag between them to last them a whole day?
Review of Chapter 2: Flying North
Positive:
Traveling scenes are sometimes very hard to do. But this chapter was a whole adventure on its own. Reading it feels as a long flight, full of little things that create a long journey.
Rainbow Dash is introduced to tight fit. In more ways than one. I thought that was clever.
Negative:
Whose fault is that?
This makes no sense. It should be in reverse. If you put holes lower, the pressure on the back should increase.
After many rereads, I imagine that RD is both angry and horny. But I’m still not sure that’s the case though. The contrast is too wast to intuitivelly connect the two things into one thought.
I guess I never told you
Why? Is she trying to challenge him as in, “You won’t be able to sleep with my ass in your memory?” Is that how this is supposed to be read? I can’t tell.
“It’s just you who makes them wet!”
“At least you have other hobbies besides making wetsuits.”
Review of Chapter 3: Racing Weather
Positive:
I love these nuggets of pure humor.
Negative:
I’m not sure which decision she’s referring to.
Also, and this is just my personal peeve, I prefer to see ‘the day before’ than ‘yesterday’. In present tense stories, ‘yesterday’ is fine. But when the narrator is years in the future, it just feels off.
I don’t know what this habit is and what made the strong impression.
The word 'before' is used twice
The suit just fell apart. How is that working?
If she made it before the clouds, how could she not see the mountains if the clouds were behind her?
How does one 'pinch' with a hoof?
Is that canon or another instance of story confidently referencing something without context or explenation?
She was a fireball just a few moments ago. She also has like 5 layers. One is specifically designed to heat her. It’s not self evident that she would feel cold. Does that mean that the test of the suit failed since it doesn’t work?
Would she freze, though? The suit was supposed to protect her from cold. After all:
And that’s even without the beats and the wiggling tubes.
What pendant? This is the first time a pendant is mentioned.
The word 'glow' used 3 times in the short span.
A tent, maybe? Were the tents also teleported unpacked and all?
Where’s the other tent then?
Review of Chapter 4: Camping on a Mountainside
How does one connect to the other? Wouldn’t she have an easier time stripping if there was no wind?
He likes to see her stripping? Is that it? I can’t tell for certain.
In her head, I would hope. Unless RD has an alien growing inside her chest.
RD has like 5 layers on. Couldn’t they just share them instead of cutting clothes to pieces and ending up naked?
Why not? What’s the reason?
It's at body temperature. Nopony would describe body temperature as 'cold'.
Review of Chapter 5: They Screw in This One
Positives:
Double meaning for the win.
Negative:
The suit was his life’s work. Yet neither him nor Rainbow Dash even paused before cutting it to pieces. The whole plot was about the suit, and then it just suddenly gets thrown away. Perhaps I missed a bit more of a feeling of sacrifice in the text itself.
I also miss more of an explanation as to why cut-up clothes would work better than a fully functional suit. Was cutting really necessary? It’s okay if it was, I’m just not seeing it in the text. Sure, she wanted to get to the ‘rocks’ as fast as possible, but she was also warm and so was the suit. Surely there was a purpose for the tubes. The tubes that got torn into pieces.
This feels a bit odd to me. It’s okay for one of them to get corrected, but how can they both get it right and wrong at the same time? I assume his mind wasn’t working properly due to cold and after that, RD was just being dismissive again after not being a moment ago within the same paragraph. I just can’t wrap my head around it in a way that would make the double mistake/correction perfect sense.
Do pillars need fixing?
I don’t even get the relevance and the connection to their situation.
Even RD thinks this is a bad example since she could do it, probably.
This is the sixth time you used the word hair. Ponies have manes, not hair.
Epilogue review of the story:
Besides drama, advanture, romance and other ganres, this story might also be an incognito tragedy, especially with Tight Fit's financial situation. Then again, I bet Rarity set him up properly.
I think I finally know why this story gave me so much trouble. A recurring issue I noticed (and have stated examples in my previous reviews) is that sentences are definite as if they only have one possible meaning. At least when you look at them grammatically. But when you think about what’s actually going on, there are often different possible interpretations. I imagine the writer knows which of the possible interpretations is canon, but that might not be 100% effectively relayed to the reader.
I’m not saying that everything needs to be described more. There are plenty of descriptions already. I’m just suggesting that there might be some things that are stuck in the air and could use nailing down. Perhaps you leave a little bit too much for the reader to craft instead of molding it fully yourself as the writer. Just my guess, though. Or perhaps things make perfect sense in your mind and you don't feel the need to explain them further since they're self-evident for you.
But to end things off, I think you're a better writer than me. Everything I wrote thus far is just my desperate attempt to contribute some criticism of relevancy. Yet all I could muster was irrelevant nit-picking.
Your story is really good is what you should be taking out of all of this.
11951532
Sorry for not getting to this earlier. I was busy.
Chapter 1:
Flow and rhythm are very important to me.
You should prepare for the most nitpicky justifications.
I didn't know that. I assumed the ponies have limited trade with Saddle Arabia or something.
In my research, I found out that horses' coats get lighter when they're exposed to harsh sunlight - at least for lighter colors. So I thought that the equivalent to a human tanning (for the bronzed look) would be a pony getting their coat a shade lighter (and shinier than usual).
Typo, thanks.
Tall Tale is a sizeable city western Equestria, not quite at the coast. See the Map of Equestria. On the map, it seems to be defined by its skyscrapers (tall tale, ha, ha, pun).
The idea of the test flight is to start in Tall Tale (a civilized place the unicorn can get his tools to), head north (over various mountains and sparse forests), gradually work north to the colder climates and the tundra, then dip over the mountains, camp in the snow, and head back south on the southerlies, ending up in Canterlot.
The might as well have started from Canterlot, but the capital city seemed like a better goal than a random obscure city on a map nobody remembers anymore.
The implication is that they started in Tall Tale, and the unicorn strapped RD into the suit in a bit of a hurry. He probably had an interview set up, RD doesn't like to get up early, she also had to get to Tall Tale from Ponyville/Cloudsdale/Canterlot, so it was probably late in the day. Only once they met, he could send her up north. There, she'd find a clearing where she could use the magic flare, and he'd teleport his stuff in to set up the actual camp.
The distance is justified by the whole part about how the magical flare is basically outlawed in urban areas. I imagine it like using a loudspeaker to call out to your friends in a mall; only maybe 100x louder.
I'll try to remember the capitalization rule, thanks!
RD is known for a lot of things, but not for remembering "unimportant details". She'd seen him before and vaguely categorized him, but she doesn't have to know a name to identify him. Right now, he's "the unicorn employer" and if the job was short and simple, she'd forget even that.
He (supposedly easily) hovered the bag, and RD carried it off without a second thought. Also she carries it off over her back, and brings it back on hoof. The two options are: they had no water in the first place (which would fit Tight Fit's general ineptitude), or both of them understood the scenario was an excuse to not address the elephant in the trunks.
Chapter 2:
The beginning of the story is in medias res, because you don't want to intimidate a reader by extensive explanations of the functionality and feel of a piece of clothing. I basically started with an intro in Tall Tale, then cut that out, then used RD's aloofness as a justification to explain the details throughout the story.
Another hint that TIght isn't much of a practical person. Obviously, he never put the suit on anyone who actually exerted themselves for a while. The man's a nerd who thinks going to the arctic circle is like going camping in college.
Tight tightens a strap across her chest, then loosens a strap across her back. It'd have been better if I mentioned a "momentary tightness in her chest" or something.
In my view of it, RD is the kind of hyperactive athlete who doesn't go more than a day or two without a lay or a self-lay. So being on an actual mission and not being able to relieve herself naturally steers her thoughts to the horny. And anger is pretty close to anger-fucking, which she probably did before.
Thanks for spotting it.
Considering she just spent a hot minute standing there being strapped in, she shakes her rump to wriggle the suit into the final place. And maybe to tease a bit. Or maybe to tease the audience.
Changed to
You're the one who makes them wet!Yep. It's almost like unpaid people can't catch every error in 14k word story. Also, you know – ESL.
Chapter 3:
Pricks, indeed, do not fly. There were more dreams/hallucinations RD had before, but it didn't flow right.
The evening was going swimmingly, until RD got too flustered by a joke going a bit too horny. Instead of playing it off cool, she hid in a tent. She has some regrets about that, even though it was the right decision in the moment for her.
The day before, he used his magic to flatten her fur so it wouldn't get caught in the suit's zipper. It makes sense that the same telekinetic magic can also give him a tactile feedback. And he did rub RD down from her neck to (almost) her nethers. Sounds memorable to me.
Yeah, that's a clumsy repetition.
The bottom layer of the suit worked as a sleek, aerodynamic flight suit. And the top layer had worked as an ablative shielding at least.
She managed to race the cloud front, but was too preoccupied with getting ahead of it. In her haste, she didn't really remember there was a mountain side there at the end. Beat the race first, think of what's at the finish line second. RD in a nutshell.
How does a pony hold any object? Suspension of disbelief.
First off, it's kinda funny to me that RD would consider Applejack as the height of understanding of math. More importantly, however, Applejack is currently running a farm, planning the planting and harvests and balancing the family finances and whatnot. I'd say she has plenty of "real life" math knowledge.
Sure, Twilight can integrate, but Applejack can calculate compound interest. I bet AJ does Twi's tax returns.
This is a bit of a remnant of the older version where the heating/cooling system fails as RD impacts the mountain. I justify this version by the heat accumulators only warming RD's sides up to body temperature, and storing all the excess heat for later. And who knows how mangled the pipes got.
And of course, with her head exposed, RD is losing significant amount of heat. A hat is a must in winter, even if we don't feel cold.
The suit's heat accumulators, even when fully charged, stay at body temperature. However, the heat is localized. It's the tube system that carries it around, which makes it less effective. It could work better if the gems were distributed all around the body, but that would make it pricey, and we would not have a nice dramatic moment.
An excellent insulator against the heat can feel pretty mid when you're ass-deep into a snowbank, on the top of a mountain, exhausted and possibly in shock, panicking.
I might have changed the phrasing around. There used to be a whole giant explanation about the mechanics of the beacon, but I cut it because nobody has time for that kind of nerd stuff.
Oh yeah jeez, that's a lot of repetition. I rephrased it, thanks for spotting it. I think I got a bit carried away.
It's the tent. The idea is that for the teleportation, Tight would normally be ready and packed up, and would teleport a certain volume around him. He uses the beacon because he's not a great mage.
The story is set in the beginning of S3 (RD is "being considered" as a Wonderbolt candidate, etc. Twilight can't teleport reliably until S4, and even then, she can only teleport herself (and a small bubble around her). Teleporting yourself, two tents, and four or five bags, takes a lot of power – or a lot of preparation.
Anyway, when RD fires the magical flare, TF is not packed up and ready. He's lucky to get one tent and whichever bags he managed to get in a hurry. Hence the bag of canned mushrooms apparently cut in half, and why it takes him long enough for RD to get a moment of desperation.
Chapter 4:
The idea was that she tore the suit off of her before she could have the time to process the situation, freeze up, and/or get cold feet (forgive the pun). So it's a frantic tearing-off.
At this moment, Tight Fit is delirious because of the sudden pressure change and the heat shock. So yeah, his horny thoughts get out.
Yeah, the suit is missing a head cover. And while RD has layers on, she is also currently panicking and having to take care of a person she's basically convinced is dying. Her mind is probably latching onto whatever training she still remembers, which is mostly "shelter and sharing of body heat". She never paid too much attention in those classes.
In this, I was inspired by To Build a Fire, as well as my own experience of panic-inducing situations.
She doesn't want the (presumably loose) magical gems falling out of the pocket. I imagine the heat reservoirs as twin chambers shaped and sized kinda like heat flasks – big long pancakes. Getting them off the suit would be like cutting a heat flask off of one – if you pierce it, the hot water (gems) would fall out.
When you're hypothermic, the sense of what's hot and not is really tossed out of whack. And panic is a bitch.
Furthermore, if a volume of maybe 2 gallons is maintaining the temperature of 98 F, it's not really enough of heat to warm two adult bodies in a hurry.
Chapter 5:
They were in a do-or-die scenario. Which was swiftly followed by the unicorn – a self-confessed academic and an apparent nerd – having a week of road-trip and (presumably) screwing RD. By the time they get to Canterlot, he's probably still shocked and/or amazed, and/or feeling like the kind of the world who can do anything. We were all young and dumb.
The loss of the suit is a sad part, but the knowledge TF got was the point of the whole ordeal. Now, he is back in Canterlot, he's has made friends with a pony who has the Wonderbolts' ear, and of course, he got the attention of an Equestria-renowned seamstress who seems to have a great interest in strange, interesting suits.
I think he's gonna be okay.
Who's to say those suits Wonderbolts wear in S5-9 are not Tight Fit's environmental suits? Yay canon compliance!
While the heat accumulators were useful, nice and warm, they were localized on RD's sides. And considering how much of a suit there is and how little of it is the heat accumulators, it'd make sense to cut them out and apply them to the body directly. At least that seemed logical in the moment, and I'd assume it would make sense in that panicked scramble.
And thematically, cutting out of the suit and stripping the layers was letting go of the accumulated frustration of the setup.
RD can't really say "accumulators". And they're both hypothermic at this point. Also, Breaking Bad joke.
TF is struggling for a metaphor, and RD doesn't get that it's a metaphor. Also I'm pretty sure pillars made of condensed clouds need fixing every now and then.
A mane is made of hair, but fair point.
On your closing thoughts:
When it comes to the message, I try to go for redundancy. I understand I won't be able to explain everything perfectly (without being boring), so I repeat themes and ideas, and try to show different examples for behaviors and patterns. Tight Fit has shown multiple times that he is over his head; he's kinda desperate, might have great ideas, but he apparently doesn't have a plan that goes beyond him pointing at a map and buying a tent and some canned mushrooms. Also he is probably a kinky, thirsty boy.
And RD is shown as being inattentive and impulsive, getting easily hyped up into doing stupid stuff, and being covertly sentimental for a pony who shares her dreams of impressing The Wonderbolts. Plus, she's horny, because at the end, this is erotica.
So at the end, the two kinda collide. As a result, the story is mostly about different people making kinda stupid decisions. I feel like that's enough to justify most of the minor issues with the plot and missing details. I hope my prose can help the reader get over the rest.
That said, you're right that I should check more what the text means to a person with no context. I try that as much as I can, but there are only so many people I can ask, and only so much patience and attention they have. But it's just plain difficult seeing a story you've been considering for months with a fresh pair of eyes. Or forcing people to scrutinize the entirety of its 14 000 words as meticulously as someone in your position.
I appreciate your thoughts on the story, and your time putting your thoughts into words. Thank you!