Open for Art Commissions. I write horror. I write gay. I write gay horror. GAAAAAAAAAAYYYY
Always follow mandated Equestrian Family Values
CWs: Homophobia, Implied Violence, Blood
Written for the Thousand Words Contest III in the Horror Category
Edited by EileenSaysHi
Preread by The Sleepless Beholder, Dewdrops on the Grass, and Aklinstar
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Well-written, a sort of fridge horror that implies far more than it states, during Pride Month, no less. Well done, as usual, Otter!
THAT WAS FREAKING INSANE!!!! If you're going for Bradbury, you've nailed Bradbury, my friend! Awesome read!
This kind of reminds me of a web comic I think it was called Everything is fine. But yeah, this is a pretty great story.
Honestly, you always seem to give LGBTQ+ related concepts the golden touch with your stories, and it fascinates me. Wonderful way of introducing such a horrific and realistic concept into Equestria using equally horrific and incredibly fantastical means of consequence.
It's amazing how many people liked this kind of nonsense.
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Thank you, sir. Truly I never would have found out that I wrote nonsense without someone so cool and awesome to tell me. I will keep that in mind going forward. Have a lovely evening.
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no problem. I am always ready to open other people's eyes to the fact that they are doing nonsense.
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Oh my goodness! You actually took that at face value. That’s hilarious. Never change.
This story genuinely made me go, "holy shit!" when I read it. It's powerful stuff, and shows what kind of awful dystopia this would be. Utterly heartbreaking.
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especially for you, next time I will attach the following picture to such messages:
i.postimg.cc/3xLLRjSS/a29c7cad9455c0d8eb97917f6214a3e5.jpg
Sucks that the weirdos found it, but I gotta give my praise anyway. It's amazing to me that you were able to imply such a deeply horrifying world in just 1000 words, and also have it be so sadly realistic. Great work, love your writing ^v^
I'm of kinda mixed mind about this one. On the plus it is well written and compelling. But it doesn't really have much to do with MLP, to the point that I wonder if the pony might be holding it back somewhat. Having characters we know does usually save some characterization time, but they aren't really the characters we know.
Basically it is good fiction, I just wonder if being fanfiction does anything for it.
Chilling and unsettling, what a nice story
This reminds me of the 2002 movie, Equilibrium. It's hard to create a meaningful story in 1,000 words but this is something.
The cameras in the homes really sells how little control they have of their own lives.
Boy, ain’t this topical with recent events.
Anyways this is utterly horrifying, good job. I don’t really know if I have anything else to say, that cold, chilling, clinical style works very well for this story.
Well, that was a ghastly read.
Excellent, and unfortunately kind of timely, work.
Great job! You did well building out this horrible world in a thousand words. Regarding what making this a pony fic brings to this, I think using the characters you did implied a lot about the world and allowed you to leave things unsaid, and it also allows you to show the story to a particular audience (some of whom clearly need to see more stories like it).
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I have opposite thoughts that spring from a similar place. While it's probably unnecessary to have a blow-by-blow prequel explaining how Equestria ended up in this state, I would love to read an expansion that leaves clues as to how Equestria fell into 1984 with extra homophobia. Did all Equestria fall or just the bubble of Canterlot? Etc…
However, such snippets would've taken up words that aren't available in a 1000-word contest—ideas for another story, not to shove into this one. IMO, the best stories make one start imagining sequels.
Well, that was pretty mess up. Great little read, got uncomfortable chills just reading it, in a good way I mean.
Spotted this one in the Featured list. It's stark and unapologetic in what it is in its condemnation of bigotry and authoritarianism. People will say that this sort of thing is alarmist and unrealistic... those people probably need to take a closer look at what's happening around them.
Also see it's getting downvoted to hell and back. I'd just take it to mean that you're pissing off the right people.
Good work, man.
The constant smiling reminds me of We Happy Few--probably just about as dystopian a world, too. Excellent story, Otter.
This was well written, especially since you managed to cram all of that into just a thousand words, but personally I thought that the setting was depicted as being so extreme that it fell into absurdity and couldn't really take it seriously. Especially the bit right at the start with the surveillance camera in the kitchen ensuring compliance with the state-mandated fried breakfast which was just deeply silly.
'Wow! This story has 20+ dislikes on it! It must be really bad! I think I'll read it and find its terrible, horrible flaws!'
(Mockingbirb reads the story.)
Well, I guess some people who want to try to ru(i)n other people's lives don't like when someone parodies them and makes fun of them, and they use their little dislike buttons.
Have you considered that you might have gotten fewer dislikes if your story was actually bad, instead of good?
I'm putting all of this in a spoiler, because I went pretty deep into themes that might be spoilery.
In a way, this isn't really a pony story. The characters could have been humans (or insert species of your choice), and for the most part would have worked the same. The real difference is that pretty much every reader on this site knows Twilight quite well, and Shining Armor to some degree. While the little snippets we get of him seem about right, Twilight... she's despondent, passive, and reclusive, a combination we really only see in her worst moments in the show. And this story implies that she's like that most days in this 'verse.
This is what happens when you live in a system that would want nothing more than to crush you out of existence (or make an example of you or keep you around as justification for less popular decisions). If you can't flee or bribe your way into an exception, you have to hide that part of yourself from the world. Don't forget about anything eye-catching, either, as getting attention is just another step closer to getting caught.
In the end, what happens is true of any authoritarian system: you either conform to the cookie cutter those in power place upon you, either stretching out beyond comfort to fill the mold or excising parts of yourself just to fit in. Those that rebel, even if just by living their true selves, are either remolded by force, like that unnamed mare, or exterminated, like Shining.
To finish, there is the matter of Flash Sentry. He doesn't get much characterization in canon (and I haven't seen anything EQG), so I'll just talk about the position he's in. He's in a job where he enforces the rules that persecute those like him, and he has a real hatred of the system for this. Why he has the job, to hide, to try and change things from within, maybe present a softer hoof to those caught, we don't know. I do fear that he might fall into self hatred for not being to do much, which would be catastrophically bad in combination with Twilight's depression.
Very long comment, but breaking down the deeper themes of a story like this takes a bit. I'll just end with this sentiment: is 'family values' what you're really working for when you tear apart healthy families and force the pieces into your own view of the perfect family?
This was a good and thought-provoking read. Reminds me a lot of “The Order” but with more themes of homophobia than racism and classism. Only thing I’d like to know is what happened to make system like this occur in the first place?
I'm mostly just confused as to why the tentacle monster has hands
The dislike button is easily the worst feature on this site. Click the like button if you enjoyed the story. Click the dislike button if you hate queer people. Even bad and poorly written stories hardly get dislikes, 'cause people just jump shop without bothering to click either. Dislikes could be removed from the site entirely and it'd be no worse for it.
Loved the story by the way!
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Excuse me?
It's written well, but this is not a pony story. It's a Statement. It uses a thin coat of pony paint to tell some really basic moral of the author and bait likes from the people who agree. It's very disappointing that you chose to write this over a real story.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s well written, very well written actually! But I just don’t see this happening in a society like Equestria.
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You do realize the story has a 1000 word limit, yeah? Meaning that some of the greater context might've been taken out in the process of smoothing it down to the 1000 word limit? Which might, say, include context that makes it clearer how it's a pony story?
What makes this a horror story, beyond just the fact that a world like this genuinely is dystopic and terrible, and would be awful for everyone save a select few at the top, is the fact that it's especially heinous for it to happen to a world as rich, colorful, accepting, and kind as Equestria. If this story was divorced of its pony context, it would still depict a terrible world, but IMO it would not hit nearly as hard. At least not for me.
A story that uses our knowledge of MLP's setting and character to grimly subvert expectations and add weight to a dark narrative? Absurd, too different from the show. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to read a story where Anon conquers RGRE-Equestria and makes a harem of mentally enslaved alicorns.
It's amazing to me that this story is what makes people say it can't be a pony story, and not a million other AUs out there.
A great, short, but brilliant read that uses us knowing the characters as an advantage in telling the narrative.
Don't you realize that you, and only you, aren't allowed to write AU's on this site? I mean, I didn't realize it until I read the comments either.
Great writing as always, you're on of my favorite authors on here :)
I'm shocked at the hate that this story has received! I remember submitting a story only a little kid could write on a different website a few years ago and while I got some reprimanding, it was nothing like this...
This is great writing and as for the arguments that this isn't a pony story, honestly, it is a great set up for a wonderful dystopian AU. I would love a sequel to further expand on the world building!
Honestly, I've read a number of submitted stories, but I'm nominating this one to at least get some kind of prize!
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Hence why it is an AU where anything could happen from an alien invasion, a civil war, or this.
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Yeah, that’s why I made sure to say that the story was well written
Project 2025 be like
I know I will be called all kinds of "phobic", but I didn't enjoy the story. Not because of the subject, but because it lacks details and world building, meaning that we don't get to see how this started and WHY. It is extremely convoluted, since we know Equestria is...how do I say this?...free? Not only that, but its biggest sin is Twilight's characterization. Why is she so mellow and uncaring? What brought her down to her knees like that?
I know this was written for a contest and it's kinda hard to convey a story in 1000 words, but this felt more like a story that wanted to deliver a message, without caring how it did that.
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So! Since you did actually write a comment that gave something to actually respond to, I will reply in good faith.
Firstly, yes. The 1K limit did hamper the ability to flesh this out more than it already was. There were several sub plots planned out that ended up being cut as well as some background as to how it arrived at this particular point in time.
Secondly, how I wrote this story with the word count limits really came down two options. I could write a story that was nothing but world building or I could write a story. I decided on the latter.
Thirdly, in regards to Twilight's characterization, I'm not sure what else you want to do in that regards. She has a clear reason why she is the way she is. She's trapped in her situation doing a job she doesn't want to do and unable to peruse the ponies she wants do to a higher power telling her no. She watched her brother LITERALLY die in front of her through being murdered by the current government and I feel that it is very reasonable for someone in that situation to maybe not want to poke the bear and die.
Fourthly, all stories have messages. I think its ridiculous that you would claim that the story delivering a message is a something that should be a negative. Everyone writes their viewpoint and understanding of the world into what they write and it is difficult to take that kind of criticism seriously with the kind of stories that get posted on this site, for both sides of the fence.
Fifthly, I stand by writing this story in medias res. There is a stronger thematic core starting from this point in the story over earlier which would just be a tons of description on "x happened then y". As stated previously, I wanted to do a story not a lore dump.
Sixthly, you didn't like it. That's fine! Not every story is for everyone and I'm sorry this didn't vibe with you.
Hopefully, this addresses your criticisms. Have a nice day.
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I am the type of person that enjoys stories that at least explain a bit what happened to the world and why the character is the way they are. This story does not explain at all how Equestria, the land of the free, became the way it is now. Was it a villain that the mane 6 did not manage to stop? The values changed...just because?
And regarding Twi's characterization: my point was WHY did Twilight allowed herself to become like that? Her brother's death wasn't the catalyst, since she was like that before. Like other people before me said, this Twilight could've been an OC and nothing would be different. Twilight is a leader, a kind and smart pony, and nothing of that is seen in this story. Again, maybe something made her that way, but that "maybe" is never explained.
And regarding the message: I didn't say that it's bad for a story to have a message, just that, considering the show we're talking about, the message feels forced here.
I'm not saying that the story is bad, just that...different strokes for different folks, I guess.
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HI. I'm someone who read the original version of this story, before Otter had to make cuts to bring it down to 1000 words. Within the original version, the vast majority of your objections are handily dealt with. But since this was written for the 1000 words contest, much of that material had to sadly be excised.
Unfortunately in so doing, it did rob the story of some of what tied it more explicitly to its setting in FIM.
As for the how and why, sometimes the how and why aren't as important to a specific story as what the story is actually about.
Also, to be frank, not every piece of work that someone writes as fanfiction is going to line up perfectly with the work it is based upon. That's half the point to fanfiction, to do what the original media never could. The other half can be to write compelling short works that use the reader's understanding of who the characters are to effect emotional beats that would otherwise require more background to properly convey.
it’s almost invisible but the “dressed themselves” itself really adds to what this is communicating, which is already impressively compact
that the surveillance state extends to breakfasts really is suffocating. i mean, breakfast of all things? (this is being written a bit later, took me a second to realize that the surveillance here was of who was cooking breakfast because that didn’t occur to me at all at first, damn)
and augh that is a good tragic poignance, that Flash would see glimmers of Shining Armor in his sister which just makes it all the more painful
well i am certainly already very horrified and my stomach is in knots, just seeing she who should be the Princess submitting to this kind of patriarchy. that is an impressive level of wrongness and i hate it a lot. you are really doing Horror well.
Coco Pommel???
augh i hate this!
ooh, “the problems” has a lot of verisimilitude as a euphemism, and there are so many things one can imagine here for the specifics
oh that it’s taking both of them, wow. way more awful in its implications than just taking Coco, wow that is impressive how much of a change that makes
the true horror is of course that this is closer to a description of real events than to fictional dystopias ahaha i wish i lived in Equestria instead, the real one that is and not the horrifying version here
this did make me wonder for a second how this Twilight could possibly have become an alicorn before the reveal, the mechanism here is really good work dang
oh great double work here. the lie on the surface is that these two are a romantic couple as the surveillance state expects, but really it’s that everything will be okay, and augh that explains why Flash does not go down guns blazing against this horrifying system as much as he wants to. it’s not in wait for a better opportunity but in memory of Shining’s last wishes, so these two are just stuck in this hell that doesn’t seem to be worth living in, and augh that is tragedy and horror all at once.
Ah, societal horror. Hard to convey a dystopia in a thousand words, but you pulled it off quite effectively. I’m not sure if the ominous tendrils add or subtract from it all. On the one hand, it does explain how this deeply unnatural state of affairs was inflicted on Equestria. On the other, is it more impactful if the people do it to themselves?
In either case, very nicely done. Thank you for it and congratulations on the well-earned gold.