• Member Since 16th Jun, 2023
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(they/them) writing about ponies kissing and hugging and making terrible mistakes (pfp by evelili! https://evelili.tumblr.com/post/731980670351622144/free-icons-for-u-nd-ur-partner-in-crime )


You've heard all sorts of horror stories about ponies being gripped by the malicious intents of cursed artifacts from other planes. Starlight isn't just some schlub, though: she's been studying magic her whole life! So of course she knows the proper precautions to take when she finds a scary-looking artifact in Twilight's mail pile.

Oh, and Trixie is here too.

an entry for thousand words iii (comedy)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 20 )

This is why you always read the safety instructions

I love that this all begins with Trixie trying to go through Twilight's mail.

First, you drain away as much of the evil artefact's magic as possible, of course. I mean, why do you think Twilight keeps Grogar's bell in the tea cozy? Duh.

With that done, it's time to shore up the circle. They say safety regulations are written in blood, but they don't specify what kind, so Starlight visited Fluttershy's Sad Puppies Blood Donation Drive and outlined exactly what would happen if she didn't give her a few bags. Clear communication is an essential component of safety, after all, and she's sure the puppies will be impressed by whatever she gleans from her study.

Trixie, whenever anybody says their spell involves a large amount of puppy blood, it's time to hit them over the head with a stick and call for help, even if they're your friend.

Starlight keeps her back to the artifact as she works. Vision is the primary vehicle for compulsion spells, so proper ocular warding is essential before you even think of glancing at an artifact. Really. Check the OSHA guidelines on Autophantasiac Objects.

Good idea! Except you clearly took a pretty close look at it earlier.

It's pretty obviously cursed. A cube, so black that it looks like a hole, except for the eye-searing white spirals. Spirals etched in such a way that, if you look a little closer, perhaps they're instead a scrawl, some secret to be read, the last secret, the one that will split the world open like a pomegranate and let you scoop out its sweet flesh, and the black, the crawling darkness beneath all those answers, the answer that renders each one before it a question... Really. Starlight isn't stupid.

Very amusing.

Absolute comedy gold. The jokes about semantics and how rules are written got me good!

nice work

nice work

Recovering sociopath, sure.

Sociopath sounds a little harsh...then again, maybe not.

With it, she picks up the artifact from its place by the mailslot (where she stopped Trixie from sorting through Twilight's mail) and heads for the center of the foyer.

Trixie, that's a federal offense!

"I'm home!" sings said Princess as she steps into the maelstrom of otherworldly energy that her foyer has become. She looks up, blinking with bemusement at the culprits swirling above her. "... Starlight, have you been going through my mail again?"

...did Trixie get erased from existence?!

"The Occult Safety and Health Administration?"

:rainbowderp: Nice. I can appreciate this, lol.

All required safety measures instead of all necessary safety measures? Welp, EOSHA is gonna be working overtime after this one.

There are many excellent jokes in this story -- I laughed out loud multiple times. I think Semantics Bimonthly got me the hardest, although the "like she expects it to defend her" joke came in a close second.

Great story! I initially thought that Starlight had some very bad misconceptions about safe magic from being self-taught and hadn't considered that the artifact was manipulating her. Trixie's role throughout was fun, though I was confused by this part.

"Trixie has a bad feeling about this."

"You know it confuses Trixie when you do that," Trixie whines from her perch on top of a bookshelf.

Was one of these lines left in by accident?

:rainbowlaugh: Outstanding work, from Semantics Bimonthly to Starlight suddenly wondering where all that world building came from. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.

:pinkiegasp:: Starlight! Stop spinning around in that vortex of evil magic and give me back my stand mixer!

My money? Luna made it as a sensory deprivation device by casting a pony into the void.

thanks folks! writing comedy's scary - i'm funny and can make jokes but putting them front and center as the story's strength is intimidating. glad they landed.

remember kids, it's only a federal offense if you get caught

semantics bimonthly was like, the last joke i added, and i stumbled upon it by searching for stupid alliteration - after googling the definitions i discovered semimonthly has much less debate about it. WHICH IS WHY BIMONTHLY SHOULD MEAN 'TWICE A MONTH', BECAUSE SEMI ALREADY COVERS 'EVERY OTHER MONTH'

this one's admittedly a little unclear but the first line is starlight saying "you seem uncomfortable" to trixie in a weird way because she mocks trixie's third-person narrative sometimes. trixie's complaining that it confuses her to be referred to as trixie because that's 'first person' to her. stupid joke

they returned the stand mixer before pinkie realized it was gone but pinkie reported her latest batch of cupcakes tasted 'eviler than usual'

:rainbowderp:: I knew I was afraid of cupcakes for a reason!

Wait. So, were the "safety instructions" balderdash and just a cover for whatever dark forces the artifact summons? Or were they real and Starlight was dutifully following them to summon a dark creature?

yeah the entire conception of 'artifact safety' was implanted in starlight's mind by the artifact to act as a plausible cover on the summoning ritual for whatever monster of the week type thing it summoned. also leverages a pony's sense of smug superiority

Comment posted by Zabilac deleted Last Thursday

You mean like your pfp, I have never seen such a smug marshmallow

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