(they/them) i write because i love people. i'm interested in people that aren't human, feelings that aren't simple, and cities. pfp: https://evelili.tumblr.com/post/731980670351622144/
You've heard all sorts of horror stories about ponies being gripped by the malicious intents of cursed artifacts from other planes. Starlight isn't just some schlub, though: she's been studying magic her whole life! So of course she knows the proper precautions to take when she finds a scary-looking artifact in Twilight's mail pile.
Oh, and Trixie is here too.
bronze medal in thousand words iii (comedy)
reviews: louderyay
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This is why you always read the safety instructions
I love that this all begins with Trixie trying to go through Twilight's mail.
First, you drain away as much of the evil artefact's magic as possible, of course. I mean, why do you think Twilight keeps Grogar's bell in the tea cozy? Duh.
Trixie, whenever anybody says their spell involves a large amount of puppy blood, it's time to hit them over the head with a stick and call for help, even if they're your friend.
Good idea! Except you clearly took a pretty close look at it earlier.
Very amusing.
Absolute comedy gold. The jokes about semantics and how rules are written got me good!
nice work
nice work
Sociopath sounds a little harsh...then again, maybe not.
Trixie, that's a federal offense!
...did Trixie get erased from existence?!
All required safety measures instead of all necessary safety measures? Welp, EOSHA is gonna be working overtime after this one.
There are many excellent jokes in this story -- I laughed out loud multiple times. I think Semantics Bimonthly got me the hardest, although the "like she expects it to defend her" joke came in a close second.
Great story! I initially thought that Starlight had some very bad misconceptions about safe magic from being self-taught and hadn't considered that the artifact was manipulating her. Trixie's role throughout was fun, though I was confused by this part.
Was one of these lines left in by accident?
My money? Luna made it as a sensory deprivation device by casting a pony into the void.
thanks folks! writing comedy's scary - i'm funny and can make jokes but putting them front and center as the story's strength is intimidating. glad they landed.
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remember kids, it's only a federal offense if you get caught
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semantics bimonthly was like, the last joke i added, and i stumbled upon it by searching for stupid alliteration - after googling the definitions i discovered semimonthly has much less debate about it. WHICH IS WHY BIMONTHLY SHOULD MEAN 'TWICE A MONTH', BECAUSE SEMI ALREADY COVERS 'EVERY OTHER MONTH'
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this one's admittedly a little unclear but the first line is starlight saying "you seem uncomfortable" to trixie in a weird way because she mocks trixie's third-person narrative sometimes. trixie's complaining that it confuses her to be referred to as trixie because that's 'first person' to her. stupid joke
11947946
they returned the stand mixer before pinkie realized it was gone but pinkie reported her latest batch of cupcakes tasted 'eviler than usual'
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: I knew I was afraid of cupcakes for a reason!
Wait. So, were the "safety instructions" balderdash and just a cover for whatever dark forces the artifact summons? Or were they real and Starlight was dutifully following them to summon a dark creature?
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yeah the entire conception of 'artifact safety' was implanted in starlight's mind by the artifact to act as a plausible cover on the summoning ritual for whatever monster of the week type thing it summoned. also leverages a pony's sense of smug superiority
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smug
You mean like your pfp, I have never seen such a smug marshmallow
Was a fun read! Thank you for the story!
ehehe so true that’s our girlboss!
augh all this is so very Starlight
dang me if that isn’t how Starlight sees the secrets of magic
classic, love that
so true love Starlight’s efficiency
ahaha i can’t tell if this is Starlight recategorizing a standard stand mixer or if Pinkie is just happening to use specialized thaumaturgical equipment as a stand mixer and i love how it works both ways
classic
Pony Latin!
ahahaha
pfft
ooh if all this is just an entity trying to bootstrap its summoning through Starlight’s mind that is a delightfully meta way to justify these little contrivances and Flanderizations that one wouldn’t blink at in a comedy fic’s worldbuilding
augh love how casual this is for her i am very normal about Twilight
but that’s how the story happens!
absolutely delightful, i loved this! thank you for writing!
very boopable
Ha ha, words are funny!
Did it also happen to be Tuesday?
lololol
Hello! I reviewed this fic after the contest, so here's your overdue courtesy note. Made me laugh quite a few times -- the magazine title gag was great -- and Starlight and Trixie work so well together. We don't use the term OSHA over here, which slightly took the edge off that running joke. So much fun overall though that I'm happy to fave it.