It's say, do, or both in this world. It's either hate or love daily things. It's either be a follower, a contributor, or a leader. It's either do, or die. So, what are you gonna do?
A stallion from the Ministry of Agriculture checks up on some Cabbages
An slice of life fic written for the third A Thousand Words Contest that combines my love of bureaucrats and hatred of things that skitter.
If you do have constructive criticism. Harass me with it, if you mind.
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I really like this! I'm planning to do a farming related fiction for this contest as well, and hope I can do as well as you have.
I do have a couple of minor critiques to make, though. The first sentence of the first three paragraphs are roughly the same length, and all end with "the farm" which sounds very samey.
Minor typo here.
That's all I have. Good job!
11933376
Ah thanks for spotting that typo. Fixed.
Thanks for the advice.
Very nice fic! It's very short and sweet. Keep up the good work!
(PS Is this EAW related?)
11933700
Thanks!
And not at all. If you’re thinking its EaW because of Baltimare’s positioning, its because I’ve played too much EaW and ingrained in my mind is the postioning of Equestrian cities. So Baltimare - south east.
You might consider finding a proofreader or editor to work with. They could help you identify the sentence fragments and repetitive word usage so the story would read better.
I had high hopes for this going in. I thought the premise was interesting and could potentially be the basis for a good comedy or maybe even an introspective piece. Unfortunately, now that I've read it, I find myself thinking "what was the point?". I like slice of life stories as much as the next guy, but there needs to be something engaging about your story, even if it does have a very simple narrative. It's not bad as it is, just very bland. I think this could have been much better if you'd been a little more ambitious and tried to something more with it. Also, there are a lot of mechanical issues, but I see others have already pointed that out, so I won't dogpile on that.
11944816
Hey thanks for your input! And yes I suppose it is quite bland. Which might stem from my own interpretation of what a slice of life story is.
Thanks for the input! Again, helps in allowing me to improve my writing.
aww glad Baltimare’s in this
aww good contrast between Whirlwind Sins’ pristine datapad representing his world and the mud representing the world of the farm he must deign to lower himself into
hehe just like i said!
ooh that’s not good!
dang now that is a slice of life! a literal slice of this guy’s life as a cabbage inspector, and it is always refreshing to see a focus on the mundane.
as for constructive criticism, for that i would have to know what the goal of this piece was. it does seem to be set in some sort of AU that renders the material culture indistinguishable from modern-day humans, that is, one could do a search-replace of “hoof” and “foot” and get a story set in “real life”. maybe more differences would be apparent if the story had a wider scope. anyway, thanks for writing!
11985178
Hey! Thanks for the feedback. And yes, I have received feedback, that indeed. There really isn't a goal in this piece, and that is an oversight I had whilst trying to write this piece, something I'm trying to fix in my writings.
Thanks again for the feedback!