- Member Since 17th Mar, 2018
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
Freglz
Walk, don't run. Unless you're late for the bus.
Freglz
Joined 17th Mar, 2018 ·
Offline
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I wasn't expecting it to be 1st person narration. But you did it really well.
I can picture the scene clearly in your descriptions and the emotions felt very genuine.
And even the ending leaves it open for more.
Well done!
Oh that was very passionate, great job!
The first narrative was unexpected. But the story itself was very good. Very emotional. Nice job on this.
Now this is how you mix story and sultry. They flow naturally together, allowing the characters' emotions, their real feelings about things, to come through.Great job here. Now I want to read more about these two, and how they approach the next day.
Hitch and Sunny being "best friends."
How very cute.
This is really well written and I like it very much. It really does seem that Sunny's isolated position has caused mental issues which isn't strange.
I'd say that the author can command the language quite competently, the nitpick that I would point out though isn't it maybe suffers from paragraphicidis. The narrative is strongly separated by paragraphs, one can almost see them moving like robots. I think that it would be better to break the paragraphs a bit and let the narration meander between the characters as the dialog happens.
Derpi code is 2723358 for anyone interested
Is it weird I want to see a story about this, just continuing the drama between each other, hitch looking after her yet longing for more then just those special nights while sunny just struggling between hitch and her goals. Love vs responsibility.
I don’t often upvote stuff like this but this was quite an enjoyable little read. The characters were compelling and the sex, while not titillating, was emotionally gratifying. Almost cathartic even. Of course I suppose I should expect nothing less from the one who brought us the gem A Lapse of Reason
[Adult story embed hidden]
Good Show!
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I'm not denying the sex is meant to be more emotional than erotic, but how exactly do I make it arousing too? Writing about dick and balls and pussy without some level of discretion just feels tactless.
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I don’t really believe that I’m the best one to ask in this regard. I lack what you might call, “articulate erotic writing acumen” as well as, if I’m being honest, any personal experience to really say what would be more arousing (and of course this can be entirely dependent on personal tastes too) but I’ll give you some of my thoughts.
One thing I could offer as advice would be perhaps to add more descriptions of the literal physical sensations of sex. Not just their genitalia, though that is important, but their whole body too. You focus a lot on how she feels emotionally but not so much on how she’s feeling physically. If her body isn’t physically involved, I can’t really get into it because there’s no feedback. Sex can be a very intense physical activity (some even joke it’s akin to exercise) so describing more of how it’s effecting her body would probably help.
Also, speaking from my limited male perspective, what really gets me going is when not only is the male having a good time but so is the female. Perhaps it’s a bit egotistical but I find it pretty hot when the guy is giving as good as he’s getting. So in this case hitch starts giving oral after he gets off which is great but the way the narrative is structured doesn’t really give enough time to get into the erotic aspect of it so we kinda miss out on that.
Personally I don’t really interact with clopfics past what their obvious purpose is and sometimes I don’t even read the whole thing. This however felt more wholesome if you will and I must reiterate that I do enjoy reading this story in its entirety.
Again, not only not am I not an erotic writer, I’m not really a writer at all so please take what I say here with a huge grain of salt. Someone with more experience may be able to give better insight. Some of my favorite authors for this would be dirty little secret, Shakespearicles, and clopficisinthecomments just to name a few.
A rare sex story that nails the emotions of the characters.
Nicely done.