• Member Since 8th Jun, 2012
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Comments ( 90 )

I wonder what will happen, tracking.

you caught my attention, Don't fail me... jk, still tracking

Glad to hear it, I'll start on the next chapter....eventually

Ok, the description looks very promising, but I can't get past the first few paragraphs. There are two issues here already, and they are story killers for me.

1: You need to format your paragraphs. Each new paragraph should be proceeded by an extra line break (enter key) and should be indented. This allows for readers to separate the larger chapter into more manageable chunks for easier reading.

2: This is the monster problem. You need to use pronouns. In the first three paragraphs you use the phrase "young dragon" ten times. Since you are using that phrase in the place of a name is should be considered a proper noun in this case. A good rule of thumb is to not repeat a proper noun within a paragraph unless its necessary to specify between ambiguous pronouns. Also do not repeat a pronoun more than twice. Also pull out a thesaurus and get some variety in there. Drake, Wyrm, and reptile could also be used to break up the line of "young dragon"s.

Edit: note that those two phrases came up very spur of the moment, it should be noted that "Wyrm" typically refers to an elder dragon

Funny thing is... the first one, were things I originally started doing. Than all sorts of questions started popping in my head left and right about whether or not that was right ultimately caused me not to do it. Lets just say literature was never my greatest subject in school.Only thing I probably hated more was math class......now that was a dark subject for me.

As far as number 2 goes..The reason I didn't use much beyond young dragon well outside of drake and hatlching, the other variety of names is actually a different family or different species of dragon in general. Yea I am pretty much a dragon fanatic here. Still though thank you for the tips, I'll try and not be so illiterate with future chapters.

Hatchling, drake, dragon and wyrm are analogous to child, youth, man and elder in standard western dragon terms. You are also correct I that a drake can also be another term for a wyvern, which we both know is something completely different, and wyrm is also used for the wingless(and sometimes legless) variety; however, given the lack of alternate terms many authors use the above mentioned loosely to improve readability.

I was more trying to encourage the use if simpler pronouns like him, he, and his. A pattern that I often see work is to start with the proper noun followed by two pronouns then an alternate noun, two more pronouns, and then either go back to the proper noun again or use a third descriptive noun over the course of two or three paragraphs.

Honestly.. I felt like I was both rushing and dragging along with this chapter. I also have no clue if I was using the semi colon correctly and I have no shame in emitting. Also I plan on doing a drawing of a scene from chapter one soon, but I'm stuck between two scenes I want to do. There was something else, but I just can't seem to remember what.

Due to the romance tag, i'm wondering who will be shipped with Spike.

That wasn't a bit of a given in chapter two...well I guess it might not have been since I suck with creating romantic moments and scenes.

I like the concept, it's unique of its own right and feels good overall.
There were more than a few grammar and spelling mistakes in chapter one. More than a few less than several.
Chapter three is fine, I wait with much anticipation

Alright we are about to kick sanity in the balls and shove it out the door.

So, first thing first...don't ask me what direction this fic is going, because my mind refuses to tell me! This chapter I really think I pushed a bit too far; I am revealing more information then I originally planned. You guys are learning things in this chapter that I didn't originally plan for you guys to learn until at least chapter 6. I personally feel this story may be evolving from I originally intended it to be..whether this is good or bad; I don't know

Gueess you need to change the tags now:rainbowlaugh:

You mean add the sex tag? I did. I wasn't sure if I wanted to add sexual explicit content this early in the story, but eh.


Tracking! Really liking it so far don't dissapoint me :pinkiehappy:

Fascinating story.:moustache:
Just one thing that always bugs me in spike related stories, that unless described will continue to annoy me.:unsuresweetie:
What is Spike's size next to a pony, is he the same height as the mane 6 (Which seems to be the case this time), Big Mac or Celestia?
If you have mentioned it in the story, then I've missed it.:twilightblush:
So if you'd be so kind to enlighten us/me by adding an description in the story or simply answer me, I'd wouldn't have to wreck my brain with that question.:eeyup:

Another thing, how do you "meat" someone? Slap them with a T-bone steak or a pork-chop? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png

“Spike, it is time to get up! We have a busy schedule today remember we are going with to meat (meet*) Pinkiepie and Fluttershy for breakfast.”
This is where the little critter of a spelling mistake is.:twilightsmile:

Lol, thank you.. see spell check don't I'll change that lol.

I usually aways assume spike is the same height in the show if no definitive description is given in the story. So he's the same height he is in the show, and the story takes place a few years in the future

I'll be the first to say it, this chapter felt a bit choppy... very choppy....extremely choppy. I promise the next chapter will be better.

and also, i did not expect his transformation to revolve around sexual urges
but im cool wit dat:moustache:

They aren't really transformation, but more growth spurts

I think exactly how Rarity was feeling about turning down Spike shows how she really feels about him.

Very interesting story and very interested to see where it goes. Kinda sad though. Even if Rarity were to turn Spike down and choose somepony else Spike would never be able to love someone else..He's given Rarity not just his Dragon Soul but his heart as well.


I found this to be a pretty good start, there were some errors but overall it was good. Looking forward to future chapters and stories. If you need someone to preread or edit I would be happy to do so. Just message me. Have a moustache. :moustache:

“It is nothing Twilight, and I’m sorry for waking you. I just need some fresh air.” Spike didn’t want to worry Twilight with something as simple as his dreams and only hoped she wouldn’t try to pry any further than this. “It is nothing Twilight? Spike this is the third time you have awoken hours before the Princess Celestia’s sun is even started to rise. The first two times I awoke you not only had me breakfast ready, but had already down half of your chores! I may have taken that answer then, but this time was more… violent.”

This should be split into two paragraphs sine Spike talks first and then Twilight talks. Also there were numerous times you didn't capitalize Spike.

Comment posted by awesomespike deleted Jan 19th, 2013

No clue what so ever, this is as much a journey to me as it is to everyone else XD. Only difference is I already know how it WILL end, but not when or how its going to get to that ending XD.

Even if it wasn't what you originally planned, still love it

I didn't know that you have posted this here, I thought it was just on DeviantArt, nice!!

Glad to see that you're here!! I started to read it there, and you already saw my comments on dA there, so I don't think there is a reason to have to re-post.


Spoi! Stop sappin my brain you bloody spook!
Oh wait it's the author!
I'm kidding, rarity is pregnant from spike, discord is being a dick as usual, and pinkie is wearing a fedora!
Today is a good day mate.

90 minutes an Rarity and Spike are still going at it?

They barley got started, remember one chapter they were at it all day.

I see what Rarity's doing. Go Rarity! Get all the lust out of him so he doesn't go after the other mare's.:raritywink:

They barley started? I didn't know they were farmers.

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