• Member Since 9th Jun, 2024
  • offline last seen 13 minutes ago

ThUndEr HoOof


I pretend to know what I’m doing and people fall for it. No one falls for it more than me :)

T

After crashing on an unknown world, a hardened soldier from a distant planet must find his brethren, as well as a way home. What this soldier didn’t expect, was a population of cheerfully innocent, endlessly kind, small, ponies?

All the while an ancient enemy is about to enact her disastrous return. Will the soldier drop his objectives and help in this world’s time of need?

If he does, who will he meet? And could anyone even look him in the eye when they learn of what he is, who he is, and what he has done?


Featured at: 6-13-24

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 36 )

Nice start! I can't wait to see where this story goes!

11926836
Thx man. I appreciate it! I’m planning to start on the next chapter tonight and finish it by either tomorrow or the next day.Though I’m hoping to get some more critiques/feedback before then so I can better improve my writing. Like I said I’m new at this :)

Great story so far! yet I can't help but feel suspicious as to how Trinket is never confirmed to be dead. (Also, 66 views.)

11926943
Yes…
The views…
It’s all coming together *laughs in sith lord*

Anyway, thx for the comment!

The first chapter is good, it gives a very good atmosphere, in the second there are more conversations between the characters but the focus of where they are or how they are is lost a bit, and the conversation feels unnatural in some parts, there is a lack of surprise or concern among the ponies when faced with an unknown being.

As for the rest, it can be improved, the story is interesting.

11929516
Thanks for your thoughts :)

Could you point out where the conversation is roughest? Maybe I can improve it through editing and I want to do better on the rest of them.

And what did you mean by ‘the rest’ did you mean like everything you didn’t mention?

Also, though I probably didn’t get my point across. The reason the conversation doesn’t stay on Zero’s predicament is two things. One is that it’s not hopeless, Zero learned from Trinket that other clones evacuated whatever ship they were on and should be in close proximity. While he doesn’t know if there is a ship waiting for them in orbit, he knows that once he find the other troops that one of them will already have attempted to contact a ship. Second, he was born and raised in a system that was built around the idea that all clones were expendable, so someone other than a fellow clone showing interest in his well-being bewildered him. Besides, he’s raised to think he should never confide in anyone anyway. And he didn’t want to talk about his situation with a non-combatant.

Also lastly as for the ponies: I think I just failed to get my point across again, the only one that has made contact with Zero at this point is Fluttershy and she was terrified. The only reason she calmed down a bit was because she saw he was hurt and her kindness outweighed her fear. Even then she didn’t warm up to him at all until he completed her bravery and had a conversation with her about animals. She’s still not completely sold on him and she intends to introduce Zero to Celestia at the event so she can chose their course of action. Lastly she only invited him to the celebration so Celestia could handle him and out of empathy toward him, she wanted him to do something he enjoyed, even though she’s unsure of him.

Your right about a lot of the stuff you mentioned, I’ll be sure to revisit this Chapter a couple of times to clean it up. Thanks for the input!

Looks great! Can't wait to see Zero meet the rest of the main 6! Perhaps some Zeros brothers made it to the castle of the two sisters?

Not a bad start, not bad at all! I sense a lot of potential here.

Your writing is pretty good and well-paced. I spotted a handful of grammar and punctuation mistakes, might want to comb through that or find someone who can be an editor for you. I'm looking forward to where you take this!

Zero is going to get thrown for a loop when he finds out magic is a thing.:rainbowlaugh:
Good chapter, just work on the grammar and punctuation a little!:raritywink:

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Yeah, even more so because he thinks he’s already seen just about every weird thing that’s out there!

As for the grammar I just suck at it, I even have to go through my comments for errors. My budget is approximately 0 dollars and I got no idea if I can get an editor for free. :{

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I hear ya, I’ll make some suggestions for you in the comments section as we go along.

11930327
Wow, I really appreciate the offer! But I can’t ask you to do that, as I said I make a good amount of errors and I don’t want to take up any of your time.

Thanks a lot though!

11929527
It's better. It's not about redoing everything, just editing parts to make it more fluid, and that's fine.

Of course I'm not a Star Wars fan, I'm not familiar with these characters. But I think they fit well.

If I could give likes based on the chapter, I would definitely give this one a like. Great to see a trooper be confused about magic and not just brush it off as the force. It will be interesting to see what the other main 6 think of him. Can't wait! :twilightsmile:

It was still fun to read.

Interesting... You have my complete full attention.

11932269
Glad to have it!

I’m looking forward to seeing what you think of the next chapter!

fun, entertaining and now the problems have started, I want to see how things go.

11935967
Thx!

The Next chapter should be out tomorrow.

11936044
yeaahhhhhh. 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

That's alright, it was fun to read either way so it was worth the wait.

Great chapter. I like how you used Applejack to take control of the situation and solve the differences. Keep it up!

I loved.
Rainbow Dash was very impulsive, I liked how Applejack took control of the situation, at least she can control the group.

I will wait very patiently for Zero's reaction when going through situations that would be totally ridiculous for him, like the river snake and the dark forest.

11938612
Yes… poor Zero’s mind survived all the horrors of war only to be driven to insanity by a mustachioed river worm.

But seriously I’m looking forward to writing that part and I’m glad you are too :)

Wow, that was fun to read!

I especially liked Zero's reaction to seeing pegasus magic for the first time, and I'm glad you put in the detail of how remarkably resilient ponies are thank to magic; a detail many miss in stories.

Glad he got to experience cupcakes haha, a nice small detail that one wouldn't immediately think about (what clones get to eat) made for a charming scene.

Also, not sure if you meant to misspell Twilight as 'Twighlight'
'Ladder' instead of latter.
'Raise the sun' not 'rise the sun'

Great work, looking forward to more!

Fluttershy and Zero's relationship is becoming more adorable by the sentence.:rainbowlaugh:

You did a great job keeping all the characters in character, especially Pinkie lol

Also, ending was hilarious.:rainbowlaugh:

11940021
Thank you, I’m looking forward to writing more!

And as for those other things you mentioned it was simply my sensational grammar at work :)

I went back and fixed most of them I think, thanks for pointing them out!

11940025
Thanks! this was by far the most difficult chapter to write specifically because of the task that was getting everyone’s general personality correct for the first impression/introduction. Now that I’ve mostly got the hard part done I think it will be less challenging having them all in a scene from here on out.

It will be a challenge to have an extra person along and still and still end up redeeming Luna and the elements of Harmony. I am curious as to how you will do it. Unless you have a large twist coming which veers everything away from the Canon. Can't wait for the second part!

11948875

I have plans…

Also thanks for the comment :D

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