Human

by DannyJ

Chapter 13: The Bonds of Friendship

"Out in the badlands, Second and First came across a tribe of buffalo. They were confronted with that which they had seen only rarely, and the buffalo were confronted with something they had never seen before. Their first reaction, just like the ponies, was to destroy the strange beings that came to their land. Second and First did not kill them though, just as they did not kill ponies.

Instead, they battled for an entire day out in the scorching desert, man against mortal. Of course, the primitives were unable to defeat such power as Lords Second and First, even when they did not use their most powerful weapons against them. Instead, they treated them as they did the misguided ponies that they fought; ethically, and with understanding.

Then, when the battle was won, Second stood atop a pile of beaten and exhausted buffalo, looked down upon their leader who lay below him, and proclaimed to them;

'I just wanted to ask for a glass of water. No need to throw a fit over it.'

And from then on, every city the humans visited gave them their fill of water, a mark of respect for their rightful rulers, and an offering to their Gods that they might be spared their wrath. And even today, in the order of the Brotherhood of Man, the Shrine of the Second is always filled with water, to quench his thirst, should he ever need it."

-Water in the Desert, from the Brotherhood of Man's holy book The Liberator.

***

So far, it had not been a good day for the new Elements of Harmony. Second had created an entire new city, and become more powerful than ever before. Sliske had been torn out of his previous host through the throat. Mystic had witnessed multiple brutal murders and now played host to an alien presence, both in his mind and on his flank too. Gold Coin was badly wounded, Chain Mail had been captured and experimented on by mad scientists, and to top it all off, they had lost a dear friend.

What they really, really needed right now, was a thunderstorm.

"Just a little way now..." Spike called over the wind.

There was a clap of thunder, and a bolt of lightning shot out of a nearby cloud and struck Spike's wings. The dragon barely seemed to notice it, and kept flying. Rain poured down on them, both from above and flying right into their faces thanks to the wind carrying it. Mystic, previously enamoured with the concept of flight, was now shivering in the cold and clinging tightly onto Soft Spoken's hooves. Gold Coin and Chain Mail meanwhile had no cover from the torrent, and so settled for just keeping ahold of the bucket of green goo than held Explodey's remains.

"No wait...I've taken a wrong turn somewhere here..."

"What's the problem now?" asked Soft Spoken.

The dragon twisted his neck around so he could address the pony standing on his back.

"I've flown off in the wrong direction. This isn't the way to Canterlot. I think we're actually just a little way off Ponyville right now. I thought this was the right direction, but it's so cloudy tonight I couldn't tell. Secopolis may be a proper city, but it still has the weather of the Everfree."

Loud as his voice may be, even Spike was a little hard to hear over the winds. It was very fortunate that Softy's companions had loud voices too.

"Stop down in Ponyville!" Gold Coin ordered, "We can't stay out in this weather a second longer!"

Spike didn't reply, but instead just took a sharp dive straight down, taking them below the cloud level. As they descended, the ponies could see the sleepy little town of Ponyville. It was late, but most of the lights in the houses were still on.

"Where do we go?" the dragon asked.

"Sweet Apple Acres! My family will have room for us and there's plenty of space in the barn for you to get some shelter!

A quick flight later, and the group hovered about the famous Apple family farm. The land was mostly the orchards and fields where they would grow their crops, but several large buildings were also present on the grounds. The big old farmhouse was the centrepiece of the land, but there were also a lot of sheds and silos, multiple barns of varying size and purpose, and if you squinted through the storm you could probably make out the factory on the far side of the Acres.

They touched down in front of the farmhouse. The front door opened, and three ponies trotted outside nervously. One was a unicorn, barely more than a teenager, levitating a comically oversized umbrella. Evidently he must have been some kind of servant or farmhand. The other two were earth ponies, one a very old looking mare who was about the same shade of yellow as Gold Coin and the other a gruff looking, light green stallion with a moustache.

"Hey son, you finally came home?" asked the green stallion.

"Hey dad," Gold Coin answered, "And yeah, I have. Just for a little while. Me and some friends need to stay the night."

The other ponies were busying themselves with picking up their equipment. Chain Mail was burdened with carrying the minigun for Gold Coin, so Softy was carrying the bucket of Explodey's remains and his helmet for him.

"I haven't heard from you in a few days. I heard Apple Tree went up to the factory yesterday to see you, but that you weren't there."

"There was a...complication in Canterlot."

"It wouldn't happen to be a complication relating to any humans, would it?" he asked.

"Well..."

"Son, I was going to ask. Since when did you ride around on a dragon?"

Gold Coin looked over to Spike, who shrugged at him.

"...He's sort of my escort for a little while. It's hard to explain."

"Hmm. Well, fair enough. You can all come inside and join us for dinner if you want to. I'm not sure what we can do about your dragon friend though."

"He can stay in the barn. He'll be fine there."

Gold Coin's father trotted up to the dragon's face.

"If that's alright with you sir, I could go unlock the old barn for you now."

"Please do."

He turned to the unicorn who had came out with him.

"Craft, go tell Boiled that we're having guests tonight. Set the table for four more."

"Five more," Gold Coin interrupted.

"Sorry son, but we don't have anything to feed a dragon here. And I don't know how we'd get him up at the table anyway."

"No. The fifth place is for Explodey."

"...Explodey?"

"He's in that bucket."

Chain Mail cantered up to Gold Coin's father and showed him the contents of the bucket.

"Son. This is bucket of green stuff."

"Yeah. That's Explodey."

"...Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not. No."

"Alrighty then. Make that five more, Craft. Ma, tell Toffee that I'll be right back."

With that, the stallion galloped away through the rain in the direction of the old barn, and Spike took flight and followed after. The unicorn named Craft soon retreated into the house, and Gold Coin went over to talk to his grandma while his friends were picking up all their stuff.

Soft Spoken collected up all the things he was meant to carry and balanced them on the outstretched wings of the Rainbow Six. It proved surprisingly capable for carrying everything, and he slowly walked over to join the others who were heading into the farmhouse. Then he froze when he saw the old mare standing next to Gold Coin. She stood still as well, and they just stared at each other.

"MAPLE?!"

"SOFTY?!"

"YOU ACTUALLY MARRIED APPLE CIDER?!"

"YOU'RE STILL ALIVE?!"

Chain Mail and Mystic had already ran inside to get out of the rain, and so were missing the delicious drama. That just left Gold Coin stuck in this awkward situation.

"So...you two know each other?" he said.

"Know her?!" Softy shouted, "We were-"

He stopped himself.

"Wait. That stallion just now, he called you-"

"Yes, that was my son."

"So you're-"

"-Goldie's grandma, yes."

"...Oh Luna. Goldie's father wouldn't happen to be seventy eight now, would he?"

Maple narrowed her eyes at him.

"No. He's not."

The old butler wiped his brow and sighed in relief.

"Phew. Dodged a bullet there."

Gold Coin's mouth just hung open.

***

Private Night Shroud was a sad little pony. For some reason, nopony actually cared about him. Not in the sense that he was unloved or had some tragic past. That would be terribly cliché. No, his issue was that everypony else was doing something important, but not him. Ancient Tome was struggling to accept that he was a terrible father, Frosty had been disowned and was now taking care of little Star, Iron Hoof and Sun Rise were both cyborgs now, and were dealing with that in entirely different ways.

Hell, even Ze!zar was off in Canterlot right now on some other adventure. Or else in prison. He didn't really know for sure. He had flown away when the dragon busted out of that oversized prison with the ridiculously sturdy walls.

And yet, nopony had seen fit to give poor little Night Shroud anything to do. That was just unfair! He was a pegasus with bat wings! He was in Luna's night guards! He had more combat experience than anypony else in the Brotherhood and if somepony had bothered to ask, he had quite the interesting story to tell about why he was doing this.

So why did nopony seem to care? Was he just invisible?

"Well, that's what I heard," said a passing knight to his friend, "Though, supposedly Second crawled out of the wreckage afterwards and was fine. Racket was up here earlier asking around for the doctor. Something about a serum, I heard."

Night Shroud saw an opportunity to insert himself into the situation and ran over to the guards.

"Excuse me, what was that about Second?" he asked.

"Oh, he was in that explosion earlier," the other knight explained, "The one that took out the Mages' Guild? Supposedly, our Lord and saviour was caught in the blast, and if what Knight Racket told us is anything to go by, he looked more like one of the doctor's experiments after coming out of it."

"Who is this doctor you keep referring to?"

"Dr. Apocalypse," said the first knight, "He ran the Mages' Guild before it blew up, along with his 'four horses', as he calls them. He did all the weird science-y stuff that Second keeps asking for to help bring his plans to life. Acting Commander Bullseye evacuated the Mages' Guild earlier today, so Dr. Apocalypse has been hanging around here since then."

"Actually," the other knight interrupted, "I heard he and Racket already left. Supposedly those unicorns have a backup base somewhere in the city, and Second's gone to meet them there."

"Good riddance. I hate those mad scientists. The last thing we need is them polluting the air around the fort."

Now Night Shroud was confused.

"Do you not like the Mages' Guild? I thought we were all on the same side here?" he said.

"If by 'all on the same side', you mean we all support Lord Second, then sure," the first knight replied, "However, it ain't no secret that those high and mighty Mages' Guild types think that they're in his good books for all their research and consider it their First-given right that they will be put in charge of Secopolis once Second moves on."

"'Moves on'?"

"Oh yeah. Second's planning to march on Canterlot any day now. He wants Equestria, and once he takes the capital he's setting up shop there. Once Second is no longer here acting in his capacity as Emperor, America's gotta start listening to its pony leaders, and nopony seems to be in agreement as to who that is."

"I thought the President was Second's immediate underling?" asked Night Shroud.

"One of many," said the second knight, "The current President technically answers to nopony but Second himself. The problem is, that also describes a number of other ponies who run certain organisations. Dr. Apocalypse, for one, does not answer to the President because the Mages' Guild is considered part of the Empire but not part of America, so he answers to nopony but Second as well. And if you think about it, that gives him as much claim to power as the President, or at least that's what he likes to think."

"...Do you think they're going to fight over it?" the pegasus asked nervously.

"I personally don't think so. Congress is as violent and bloodthirsty a bunch as you'll get, but they exist to fight each other, not to make war on civilians. The Mages' Guild might piss them off, but they're not going to start a fight as long as Second is looming in the background. If they try to start a civil war in Secopolis, the human is just going to come back down here and kill everypony, and that's hardly going to help either of them, is it?"

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," said the other knight, "The whole point of Congress is that their violent antics amuse Second. If they declared civil war and started butchering scientists, he'd probably find it hilariously funny. And I'd think so too. Don't tell me you wouldn't burst out laughing if you saw the good doctor getting skewered?"

"You're right! That is funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

In the presence of these two psychotics, who just thought the idea of a pony they didn't like getting murdered was a riot, Night Shroud could only chuckle nervously and quietly slink away to continue his walk around the fort.

***

Dinner was awkward. Gold Coin was constantly thinking up lies while relating their story to cover up his involvement with the Brotherhood. As he later explained to Softy, he was actually the only pony still alive in his family who was in the Brotherhood, which somewhat contradicted the Brotherhood's claims that all the families of all the Elements were a part of them.

Softy had been meaning to ask more about that, but Gold Coin could only promise to explain more tomorrow.

And that wasn't all either. Gold Coin's father, whom the group had since learned was named Apple Peel, kept looking at them like they were crazy whenever they talked about Explodey. They had kept his bucket by the dinner table all night, propped up on a chair in front of a ready meal in case he regenerated while they were eating, but he never did.

They wondered about that. Why was Explodey not regenerating? He said he should be able to. Did he regenerate from the slop left behind in Secopolis instead? Did Chain Mail not pick up enough of him? Or worse, what if he was actually permanently dead?!

And that strangeness aside, the rest of their story wasn't much better. Between telling them about Secopolis, Chain Mail getting cybernetic implants, Softy's theft of the Rainbow Six (which he continued to wear throughout the meal), Spike's imprisonment, their late friend Broad Sword and how Gold Coin had tackled both an Elder God and an alicorn head on in one day, the Apples were very firmly convinced that they were all escaped mental patients by the time they were done explaining.

"Now wait just a second," Apple Peel interrupted, "Why can you even hit a Human in the first place? I thought the legends all said they were untouchable!"

"That's what I thought too," Chain Mail explained, "But as it turns out we're the chosen ones, or Elements of Harmony or something. And somehow that allows us to hit them. We don't quite understand it ourselves. All I know is, if I stab Second it draws blood, and that's good enough for me."

There weren't that many Apples living in this particular farmhouse. While the Apple family itself was very large, they were spread out across the many regions of Equestria, and only a few ever actually stayed back at Sweet Apple Acres to maintain the land here, even less nowadays since they had so many workers and new technology to do most of the work for them.

These days, the only residents of the Acres were Apple Peel, his wife Toffee Apple, Grandma Maple, and Gold Coin's little brother Cheddar Cross. Softy was at first confused as to why an Apple family member appeared to have a cheese-themed name, but apparently Cheddar Cross was the name of a specific type of apple he had just never heard of. Go figure.

And of course there were the workers and servants who lived on-site. There weren't many of them, just the chef, Hard Boiled, Craft from earlier, and an earth pony farmhand who couldn't have been any older than sixteen named Drillhead, apparently stuck here until he made enough money to continue his journey north in search of his destiny or something.

"So whatever happened to Cider then?" asked Softy, "Last I heard, you and he were engaged. Since you're here, I'm guessing you went through with it."

Maple blushed slightly.

"Well...In spite of everything, he was a sweet fella...We married in June later that year, and we were together for a good forty seven years after that, until he had that accident with the ladder. We had two kids, one was Peel here, who was born about three years after I left you. The other was Jam, and she worked as a senior manager at the factory most her life before she handed it over to Gold Coin. She retired to some tropical resort or some such. She sends postcards sometimes."

"Oh, so Cider's dead? That's a shame. I know we didn't get along back in the day, but I liked him."

"Yeah...He didn't like you."

"I gathered. Otherwise he wouldn't have ran off with my girlfriend. Speaking of, why did you leave? I mean, really? What did I do?"

"It was nothing you did wrong, Softy. Cider just had a faster chariot. You know how we were back then. We were just stupid kids playing games."

"You were thirty seven!"

"...Umm..."

"Maple. You are a bad pony."

"And don't I know it?"

She batted her eyes at Softy and gave him a sultry smile that no mare of that age should ever be allowed to use. Gold Coin's reaction was as you'd expect.

"Yuck."

He turned back to his little brother.

"So what else is new, Cross? Are you looking after mom and dad here?"

"Well..." Cross drawled, "Not much they need help with really...Sure, both of 'em are gettin' old, but they don't really need mah help so much. They're still perfectly capable of puttin' in some work. I'm just doing the same job ah've always been doing, minus some duties that the machines have been takin' over for me."

"Don't tell me my little contraptions are putting you out of work?"

"Naw. They're just lightening the load somewhat, which I ain't got no problems with. Though if you keep sendin' over so many of them, I may have to hire additional technicians to look after 'em. Anyway, that's all for here. Now, me? I want to know more about that alicorn you keep talkin' about..."

***

"Ow..."

Second limped into the underground lab, flanked either side by pony doctors, both unicorns. Though the Mages' Guild building had been destroyed, the Mages' Guild as an organisation still lived on, and had now relocated to their secondary labs, hidden in a complex underneath the Secopolis Museum. It seemed an appropriately well hidden base if ever anything came after them, and obviously something had.

"Ow..."

"Could you please be quiet? That's starting to get on my nerves," said one of the doctors.

Second glared down at him, and the doctor immediately regretted his words.

"You say anything like that to me again, you little shit, and I will eat you. You see these teeth?"

He opened his mouth and gestured to his canines.

"They're for eating meat. Humans are an omnivorous species. You think I can't eat a pony? I can, and I will!"

The nameless unicorn doctor began to sweat. He wisely decided to shut up from then on.

Eventually, Second and his escorts walked into an operating theatre. Racket and another lab coat wearing unicorn waited for them in there. The unicorn was a deep purple stallion with a jet black mane. He wore a pair of small, square reading glasses, and his cutie mark was a biohazard symbol. This was the enigmatic head of the Mages' Guild, and one of Second's favourite minions. Dr. Apocalypse.

"Lord Second, how are you feeling?" he asked.

"Like I'm being massaged by a woman made of sandpaper. Have you got that serum for me?"

Dr. Apocalypse produced a vial from one of the pockets in his lab coat and floated it over to the human, who snatched it out of the air. Inside it was a clear liquid with a few tiny bubbles occasionally rising to the top of it. A label on the side named it as 'Authority'. Second immediately opened it up and gulped it down without any further thought.

"Are you sure you're ready for this, sir?"

He threw the empty vial down onto the floor and smashed it into tiny pieces.

"If I wasn't sure I wouldn't ask in the first place. Let's get this shit on the road!"

The badly burned human climbed up onto the operating table and laid down on his back. The doctors all looked awkwardly to each other, and Dr. Apocalypse walked over to a large box on the wall. He opened it up, revealing a large red button inside and a number of key slots. The doctors all levitated out individual keys and slid them in, and turned them in unison.

The button turned green. Dr. Apocalypse looked back at Second, who nodded.

"First have mercy on my soul..."

He pressed the button. Second screamed.

***

"Oh, well this figures. Even after I quit my job, I'm still sleeping in the servants' quarters," Softy complained, "The servants' quarters that weren't good enough for the other servants no less."

Gold Coin smiled sympathetically.

"Sorry, but it's the only spare space we have."

"And yet you get to sleep in your old room," the former butler replied.

"What? Do you want my room? You can have it if you want. I could sleep in here."

"No, don't worry about me. I'm just an old stallion complaining about things that don't matter anymore. You go sleep in your room. You deserve it."

"No Softy, I insist. I know the beds in here can be somewhat uncomfortable. These are all really old mattresses after all. And I know it's unpleasant having unwanted roommates. Back when I was young, there were a lot more ponies in this house, and me and one of my older brothers were forced to share a room. I hated it so much. I couldn't inflict that on you."

The brown earth pony opened his mouth as if to argue, but Chain Mail interrupted.

"Hey, if neither of you want Gold Coin's room, can I have it?" he asked, "I mean, nothing against this place, but I've slept in barracks most of my life."

"Sure, go nuts," Gold Coin replied.

Chain Mail smiled and trotted out the room and down the corridor towards Gold Coin's quarters.

"Well, that leaves the both of us in here with Mystic and the Explodey bucket," said Softy.

The door opened, and Maple poked her head in.

"You know Softy," she said, "If you really don't like servants quarters, my room's always available~"

Gold Coin's face went green and he put a hoof to his mouth to stop himself from puking. Soft Spoken meanwhile began to grin like a maniac.

"Sure! Give me two minutes and I'll be right along!"

Maple winked and disappeared from the doorway. The old stallion immediately walked over to a nearby dresser and looked at himself in the mirror. He licked his hoof and slicked back his long white mane. Turning to the other earth pony again, he asked;

"How do I look?"

"DUDE! She's my GRANDMA!"

"So? She's not my grandma. In fact, she's younger than me. That's fair game. Do I smell okay or should I put on some cologne?"

"...Ew, Softy. Just...Ew..."

"Pssh. You youngsters think you damn well invented it. You all came from somewhere you know."

That was all Softy had left to say before he walked out of the room and left his friend staring at the door. A minute later, Mystic Chant walked in, just finished brushing his teeth.

"Mr. Gold Coin?" he said, "Are you alright?"

The yellow earth pony crawled up in a ball on the floor and started shaking.

"I don't want to go to bed tonight, Mystic. I'm scared I'll have nightmares."

Mystic rolled his eyes and walked over to Gold Coin. With a fair amount of effort on his part, he levitated the heavy earth pony up onto one of the servants' beds and tucked him in. He pulled a book off a nearby shelf, sat down by the side of the bed, and started reading it aloud while the older pony continued to shiver.

"Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria..."

***

Spike ran through the trees. The forest was burning around him. A flaming tree fell in his path and forced him to momentarily consider turning back. He looked behind him and saw that the thing was still coming for him. Tears of terror streaming down his face, he ignored his previous reluctance and scrambled over the huge burning log to keep running away. Good thing he was heavily fire resistant. Others weren't so lucky.

He passed by the charred corpses of several dead ponies. One or two of them he vaguely recognised as some of the many citizens of Ponyville that he had spent the last several years of his life around.

No time to mourn. Got to keep moving. That thing was catching up. He had to keep moving. He had to keep running. If he didn't keep running then-

A green dragon burst out of the nearby trees. Spike skidded to a halt in front of it and backed up. It was him! It was that same green dragon he had ran from all those years ago. He had almost killed him! He would have, were it not for Owlowiscious's intervention.

The dragon was just as huge and scary as Spike remembered him, and just like back then he looked like he wanted to kill something as violently as possible. He glared down at Spike, but for some reason, Spike could not feel that hatred being directed towards him. He was just as angry as he had ever been, but for now, any animosity he held was not for the scared little dragon whelp before him. For just a second, there was a mutual understanding between them.

He moved his legs aside slightly, and Spike ran between them to continue fleeing into the forest. He looked behind him as he ran. The green dragon let out a huge roar and stood up to its full height, towering above the trees. The beast that had been chasing Spike stopped looking for him, and now focused on the new arrival.

The two monsters rushed at each other and clashed in a flurry of fire and claws. The dragon spewed flames all over the thing, and the beast's armour seemed to melt into its skin, and it screamed in pain and rage. It brought a clawed hand forward and stabbed right through the dragon's thick scaly hide, and boiling hot dragon blood flowed out of a gaping wound.

The dragon didn't stop there, and it lunged forward and bit a chunk out of its opponent's neck, ripping the flesh clean off and spitting it across the trees. The beast didn't seem concerned by the loss of most of its neck, and continued to slash apart the dragon's skin like it was made of cardboard. And all throwing away its flesh had accomplished was setting another part of the Everfree on fire.

All Spike could do, was just keep running.

He shivered in his sleep.

***

Rays of sunshine poked through the window. Gold Coin yawned loudly as he awoke. All things considered, he had a very peaceful night's sleep. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. No nightmares about Softy becoming his grandpa at all. Everything was fine. Then he noticed there was a little white colt sleeping at the end of his bed.

"What the fuck...?"

Oh. He had a cutie mark of an explosion and pony body parts. The colt was just Explodey.

Mystery solved.

He went back to sleep.

...

...

...

Actually, no. There was weird, and then there was this. For once, Gold Coin was not content to just accept the strangeness in his life and try not to think about it. He woke up again and jumped right out of bed. This needed explaining right now. He marched up to the miniature Explodey and poked him in the chest with a hoof.

"Hey! HEY! Explodey! Wake the fuck up!"

Explodey yawned and his eyes fluttered open. He looked up at Gold Coin in a daze.

"What?" he asked, "What did you wake me up for?"

Wait...his voice was just as deep as before. What was...?

Looking at him again, it suddenly became obvious. He wasn't a colt at all. He still had an adult body. He was just...smaller.

That still didn't make any sense.

"Why are you all miniature now?!"

Explodey frowned.

"It's your fault! Don't shout at me!"

"HOW THE HELL IS THIS MY FAULT?!"

"You idiots didn't pick up enough of me! You expect me to regenerate a full-sized body using just a bucketful of biomass?!"

"YOU SAID YOU COULD REGENERATE FROM A SINGLE CELL!"

"And I'd be as big as a single cell as well! My regeneration doesn't work by rapid cell division! It melts down all my existing tissue and pulls it back together in working order! If you leave parts of me behind, I have to either replace the lost material, or regrow a smaller body!"

Gold Coin blinked.

"Your regeneration sucks."

The door opened, and Captain Chain Mail walked into the room, still wearing the Vader One.

"Hey guys, what's going on in h-"

He stopped and stared at the tiny Explodey, and then sighed in resignation.

"Yep. It's definitely a Tuesday."

***

Second woke up with a pounding headache. He groaned and rubbed his forehead. The first thing he noticed as he opened his eyes was that his arms were mostly red and brown. Then he held up both his hands and looked at them. They were the same. Lots of skin was still missing. In fact, his ring finger on his right hand had some bone exposed. Talking of his ring finger, his wedding ring had actually melted into it and they had merged together. It was incredibly uncomfortable. That said, at least he didn't feel any actual pain anymore.

A tiny little man in white walked along his chest and climbed up onto his chin. He looked down at Second with a raised eyebrow and folded his arms.

"Well Howard, I think that worked out about as well as you could have expected."

"Piss off..." Second muttered.

"No, I am not going away that easily. As your conscience, it is my job to-"

Second brought his fist down on the tiny little man and squashed him. He felt a body tumble off his chin and slide off his neck onto the operating table. In a puff of smoke, Ambition appeared.

"Huh. You just killed Conscience. I'm sure this is symbolic of something, but I'm not sure what."

"He'll be back. He's my crazy. He isn't going away..."

"Until then though, that makes me sole advice provider. Now, me and Creativity had a long talk, and we think-"

"Ah, my Lord, you are awake."

Dr. Apocalypse loomed into view above Second. The unicorn smiled down at him enthusiastically. Right now, he was like an obsessive fan that somehow got to be his idol's personal assistant.

"What happened, doctor?" Second asked.

"The serum knocked you out. Good thing it did, I say. Your body did not react well to the formula. In fact, you evacuated your bowels."

Second blinked.

"I'll leave you to dwell on that for a bit. Besides, you need rest. I shall be back later with a full diagnostic of your condition. Until then, just lay still and don't do anything."

The doctor trotted out of the room again, leaving Second alone with his hallucinations once more.

"You know what I just realised?" said Second, "I really hate ponies."

***

"Are you sure this will help?" asked Chain Mail.

"Trust me Chains, I know what I'm talking about."

The tiny Explodey McGee and Captain Chain Mail made their way through Ponyville market square together. The little town was busy today, and all the residents were happily going about their business, buying and selling or passing through on their way to work. Most of the pegasi at this time were on weather duty and were getting rid of the clouds above. The town seemed a very friendly place, and Chain Mail got a wave or smile from a number of citizens as he passed through.

"Quality produce! Half price today only! Fresh carrots, cabbage, parsnips, potatoes, and anything else you need!"

The mare advertising the produce was an orange earth pony with a rake for a cutie mark. She cheerfully called out to passers-by from behind a line of several tables, all stacked high with many varieties of vegetables and some fruit, more of which could be seen stacked up in a cart parked behind her stand.

Chain Mail trotted over.

"Hi," he said.

"Hello there stranger! What can I getcha?"

"Umm...I'm not sure. What do we want?"

He looked down at Explodey.

"Cabbages are bigger. Get them."

"A dozen cabbages please."

The mare smirked as she began to gather up cabbages and put them in a plastic bag.

"You let your boy decide what's for dinner tonight?"

"He's not my son," Chain Mail replied.

Explodey gave his friend an evil smile, but quickly hid it and instead put on his best sad face.

"Why do you always say that dad?! Why do you never acknowledge me in public?!"

Chain Mail's eye twitched.

"Explodey, now is not the time-"

"It's never the time! Why don't you ever want to spend time with me?!"

The mare working the stand was eyeing him suspiciously now.

"He's not my son! He's really not!" the captain protested.

Explodey just continued to pout. Other ponies around the square were staring at them now. The mare working the stand looked at him through narrowed eyes as she finished putting his cabbages in the bag.

"One hundred and twenty bits," she said.

"One hundred and twenty?! I thought everything was half price today?!"

"Sixty then."

Chain Mail paid the money and walked away with a bag of cabbages, the mare still glaring at him as he left. Once they were away from her and ponies no longer paid attention to them, he whispered to Explodey.

"You little bastard..."

Explodey just giggled.

"That was too fun! I'm tempted to cause another scene right now, just to see how far I can push it before these ponies form a mob and try to drive you out of town!"

"Believe me, I'm leaving the second you try anything else, and you can get this shit on your own."

"Oh, come on captain! Have a sense of humour!"

"Explodey, I am not really in a cheerful mood right now. I don't know if you've forgotten, but Broad Sword died just yesterday. You do remember that, right?"

Explodey stopped smiling, and suddenly looked very sombre.

"Yeah. I remember. I just don't think it helps to be all morbid all the time..."

"I personally think it's rather disrespectful to act like nothing happened. I wasn't exactly the closest one to him, but he was a good soldier, he was a loyal friend, and I owe him and you my freedom. I'm in mourning right now, Explodey."

"So am I! I just don't think he would have wanted us to be all mopey about it. I haven't forgotten about him. I'm just keeping things light. I don't want to be miserable when I think about Broad Sword."

Chain Mail looked down at his companion thoughtfully.

"I can respect that, I suppose," he conceded.

"Hey, Chains?"

"Yes Explodey?"

"Who do you think Skies was?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"No reason," Explodey sighed, "Just thinking..."

***

Gold Coin walked out onto the front porch of the farmhouse and was surprised to see Mystic Chant sitting on top of a tractor parked over by the edge of the orchard. From his vantage point, he must have had a good view of most of the Acres. The business pony made his way over and climbed atop the tractor as well. Once he reached the top, he put a hoof on the colt's shoulder, and drew it back when he turned his head and revealed Sliske's features.

"Oh," said the earth pony, "I see you're back again."

Sliske sighed.

"Yessssssss. I needed ssssssome time alone."

"...Are you thinking about Broad Sword?"

Sliske glared sideways at him, and didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry. I know you must miss him."

"Do not pressssssssume to know how I feel, you ignorant mortal!" Sliske shouted, "You haven't the sssssslightesssssst clue what isssssss going through my mind right now!"

"Sliske, I know how loss feels. I've lost family and friends before. I know what you're going through, even if you think I don't."

Sliske continued to glare angrily.

"Come on. You've been around for, what? Two thousand years? More? This can't be a new concept to you."

Sliske sighed.

"Broad Ssssssword wassssss...different. He wassssss...Thisssss issss....the firssssst time I've ever cared about a pony dying."

Gold Coin sat down next to the alien.

"Okay. So maybe it is new to you."

"Broad Sssssword wassssss...I jussssst...Gold Coin. Lissssssten. I know you poniessssss are creaturesssss of friendsssssship by nature, but that issssss not true of my ssssspeciessssss. If I am completely honesssssst with you...Broad Ssssword wasssss the firssssst friend I ever had."

Gold Coin remained silent.

"It jussssst botherssss me that he issss gone now. Whenever poniesssss died before, it either didn't matter, wasssssss a good thing, or jusssssst meant that I had to find a new hossssst. Thissssss time I feel like...like I losssssst ssssomething important."

"That's normal to feel," the earth pony explained, "I don't know why you felt so close to Broad Sword out of everypony you've ever met, but I think you're right to feel like something important was lost. Broad Sword was what showed you ponies at their best. He's what changed the famous 'Sliske the Destroyer' into an Element of Harmony. I think that's a hell of a thing to lose."

Sliske looked away and went back to staring across Sweet Apple Acres.

"You know you always have your other friends if you need help, right?"

"What other friendsssssss? Who are you poniessss to me? You don't even like me. You jussssssst tolerate my pressssenccce."

"I like you."

"Liessssss. If you liked me, you wouldn't shout at me sssso much. You and Sssssoft Sssspoken do nothing but argue with me and talk down to me, and then there'ssssss the captain. I ssssssee the fear in hissssss eyessss. I wassssssss a childhood nightmare of hissssss, and the very firsssssst thing I did when I wassss releasssssed from my vault wassssss to nearly choke him to death crawling down hissssss throat to posssssessssss him."

Soft Spoken's words echoed in Gold Coin's mind.

You need to calm down. Not swear so much. Not argue so much. Just try to be a little more sociable.

"...I can't speak for the others, but...Sliske. Just because I argue with you a lot doesn't mean I hate you. Friends can disagree on things. Friends can disagree very strongly on things. And friends can be very passionate about voicing their disagreements. At the end of the day though, I think friendship isn't about how much you agree with other ponies, but more about how you feel about them as individuals.

"And as an individual, I like you. You're not the nicest character I've ever met, but you've got good intentions in spite of everything, and you're learning to do better, albeit rather slowly. You're becoming a pony. Seeing you right now, actually experiencing an emotional reaction to the loss of a friend, is what cements that in my mind."

Sliske looked back at Gold Coin, and the earth pony could see he was actually a little teary-eyed. The alien raised hoof and wiped his tears away, and then stared at his hoof for a moment, seeming to have only just actually realised he was crying.

"...Ssssssweet Luna, you're right. I'm going native..."

***

Spike only reluctantly emerged from the barn the following day, and peaked his head outside to see Gold Coin's brother Cheddar Cross waiting.

"Uhh...Morning?" he said.

"Afternoon," Cross replied.

"Hmm..."

"So...Dad was tellin' the truth then. I've never seen a real life dragon b'fore, mister. I'm quite honoured."

"Likewise."

"Yer him, ain't ya? The Eternal. They tell stories 'bout you out east. I heard you once froze an oncoming tidal wave with a single breath, and pushed the ice block back out to sea. Is it true?"

"It's true. The ponies living in the region took to calling me the Sea Wall, though most of the zebra tribes around the area better know me as the Aspect."

"They say you knew the original Elements of Harmony. You knew Applejack, didn't ya?"

"Knew her, yes. She was one of my best friends. I knew most of the Apple family back in the day, even if most of them only in passing. In fact, the first time I ever met her was during the middle of an Apple family reunion. Do you still have those, by any chance?"

"Once a year, like clockwork."

"Must be a lot of you by now."

"Hundreds, I'd wager. Haven't even met all of them myself, though pa tells me I will eventually. The Apple family have roots all over Equestria by this point. Hoofington, Fillydelphia, Las Pegasus, even some up in Canterlot. Appleloosa practically belongs to us, and our distant cousins the Orange family have since taken over most of Manehattan."

"I'm aware. I was around back when Appleloosa was just beginning to grow. Did you know I actually helped settle the original land dispute between the Appleloosa settlers and the native Buffalo?"

"Really? I never heard that one before."

"Well, you wouldn't have. That was before I was the legendary Spike the Eternal. Back then I was just little Spike, Twilight's number one assistant. They were simpler times. I didn't really do much by myself. I was just one contributor out of seven, and for that reason history doesn't really remember most of my earlier adventures.

"To be honest, I'm rather glad about that. Some of those times were not my finest moments by any stretch. Not to say it was all bad experiences. Really, they were some of the happiest times of my life. I just have a lot of regrets as well. Mistakes I made, ponies I couldn't save, ponies I hurt by accident..."

Spike briefly remembered sitting on a bridge looking down at a giant claw print.

"I'm sorry. I'm boring you. Forgive an old dragon for rambling on. Being in Ponyville again just gets me a bit nostalgic."

"Aw, ain't nothing wrong with reminiscing. Grandma Maple's always telling stories about her youth. I like 'em, really. I weren't there, so there's no better way to learn about yesteryear than from the ponies that was."

Spike crawled out of the barn all the way and spread his wings. At his full height, he towered over the barn. He had to stop himself from leaning on it, remembering that it was likely not able to support his weight.

"An admirable attitude. I would like to talk more, but even dragons need time to eat, and the area around Ponyville is always good for a few hidden gem deposits, if you know where to look. I think I even hid a stash of rubies in an abandoned mine somewhere around here...If I can remember where that was..."

"Hey, mister?"

"Yes?"

"If I could ask...What do ya think Applejack would've thought of us today?"

Spike paused to consider it.

"Well, Applejack never really approved of ponies like the Oranges. She never really liked those elitist types, and with good reason, but she never had any aversion to being successful, and in fact that's what she strived for with every venture. The Apple family are well off for their hard work, and I think she would have been glad of that.

"What's important, is that you never forgot your roots. Any family business that can have both members like Gold Coin, working in finance and managerial positions, and members like you doing hard work down on the farm, is one that's never lost sight of what's important. If you still put in the hard work, Applejack would have been proud of you."

Cross smiled and tipped his hat.

"Thank you mister. It's been a pleasure talkin' to ya."

"And to you too."

***

Explodey sat up at the large dinner table and looked at the twelve cabbages that they had brought back from the market. It was a lot of food, Explodey wasn't even hungry, and yet he had to not only eat all of it, but he had to hold it down and absorb the biomass, which meant not digesting any of it.

Challenge accepted.

He began to dig in. Nearby, Captain Chain Mail watched on curiously, waiting to see if he could eat it all. Apple Peel watched with equal interest. As the undersized unicorn began to eat, Soft Spoken walked through a nearby doorway. His mane was messed up and his eyes were half closed like he was still mostly asleep, but he was smiling serenely nonetheless.

"Morning everypony," he said dreamily.

Chain Mail's eyes darted upwards for a second as he checked the digital clock which was displayed in the corner of his vision.

"Softy, it's like, half past twelve. Did you only just get up?"

"...Yeah..."

"...You know that's really unhealthy, right? Why are you oversleeping like that?"

"...I had a really late night..."

"Well so did the rest of us, but I got up at seven thirty."

"Mine was slightly later than everypony else's..."

"Huh?"

"I'm sure Gold Coin will explain it later. So, what's for breakfast around here? Cabbages?"

Explodey jumped up onto the table and pulled all the cabbages into a pile. He leapt atop it and pointed a hoof at Softy.

"MINE!" he screamed, "NOPONY CHALLENGES THE CABBAGE KING!"

Soft Spoken just continued to smile stupidly at him.

"Haha! Explodey's little!"

***

Second looked at himself in the mirror. Face still burnt, eye patch covering his empty right eye socket, a convincing wig to replace his old hair, and a nice old cream coloured business suit. His hands were now covered with black leather gloves, he had some shiny new shoes that looked pretty damn swanky all things considered, and a dark red tie to go with the suit.

He thought to ask for a briefcase to see how well it looked with him, but decided not to.

"Well, my Lord? What do you think?"

The fashion pony whom the department store had tasked with suiting him up was rightly nervous considering Second's habit of flying off the handle for no reason, but fortunately for him, his master was in a very good mood right now.

"I think I pull off the suit and tie look rather well, even if I do look like a fucking ghoul."

He felt his face with a gloved hand.

"I am a little annoyed about the loss of my moustache. I had that thing for...what? It must be...One thousand and fifteen years now. I think. I'm going to want it back. Hmm...Maybe I can magically invent some kind of miracle hair-growth formula with my God-like powers that will bring it back? It shouldn't be outside the realms of possibility..."

"Forgive me for my intrusion, my Lord," said the fashion pony, "but if you could use your powers to bring back your moustache, why not use them to heal your physical body?"

"Because that's not how Dramatic Convenience works. Observe: I planned a zombie apocalypse that should occur in two or three days time depending on how you count it. Then a pony explodes in my face and suddenly I look like a zombie. Coincidence? I think not. Obviously, this is the script writer's way of telling me that I have to lead the undead hordes as one of them instead of as some uninfected guy that they for some reason listen to.

"Personally, I am more comfortable with this idea. If I was uninfected, the writers could easily take me out by having the zombies turn on me at the last moment and eat me alive. The heroes will pull some stupid plot device out of their asses, the zombies will switch sides, and then I am going to get massacred, and I don't plan to go out like a bitch.

"No. If I'm going to die, I'm going to go out like a goddamn terminator. Wrestling with a living goddess, getting nuked, being shot by, like, eighteen tanks at once. Something like that. And when it happens, I want to take as many ponies down with me as possible. I just wish I could see the looks on the viewers' faces when they see how incredibly over-the-top epic my death is going to be."

The fashion pony stood there awkwardly for a moment.

"Sir-"

"SHUT UP! THIS IS A GOOD IDEA!"

***

"Ugggggghhhhhh..." Explodey moaned.

"What the hell happened in here?"

Gold Coin and Sliske stood in the doorway and stared at the carnage left on the kitchen table. Explodey was laying in a pile of half devoured cabbages and clutching his stomach in pain. Soft Spoken and Chain Mail just stood nearby watching, more amused than anything. Apple Peel stood to the side, completely stunned.

"Son," said Apple Peel, "What in Celestia's name have you brought into my house?"

"Now, wait, I know Sliske is a little weird, but I explained this last night-"

"I don't mean your dang alien friend! I'm talking about THIS thing!"

He gestured to the still tiny Explodey McGee laying on the table.

"It's one thing after another! First he's a bucket of green slop, then he's a colt, and then he's some cabbage-devouring abomination the likes of which I have never seen before! What even is he?!"

"I told you already! He's the spawn of an Elder God!"

Gold Coin paused, and pondered his own words.

"Huh. Having just said it, that description I just came up with suddenly adds a whole new level of horror to Explodey. I don't know why I never thought of him like that before."

Explodey continued to moan in pain.

"...If I may ask, why did he decide to gorge himself on cabbages?"

"Oh, it's to help with his re-growth," Chain Mail explained, "To regain his original size, he needs more biomass to replace all the flesh he lost. So we brought a load of cabbages and he ate them all. He's in pain right now because he needs to absorb the cabbage into himself without digesting it, because if he digests it then it breaks down. Once he absorbs it, he can then repurpose the biomass and turn it into new flesh to replace what he lost. His body has some kind of function that allows it to suppress digestion somewhat, but not completely, and in any case his stomach is almost full to bursting right now. I'm told it's incredibly painful."

Sliske slapped his own face.

"Are you ssssssserioussssss? Cabbagessss? That wassssss hisssssss besssst idea? If he wantssssssss to regain hisssssss original sssssssize, thisssss isssssss not the way to go about it. You poniesssssss are all idiotssssssss."

"Well what do you propose, Sliske?" asked Gold Coin.

The alien gave him an evil grin.

***

Night Shroud was still suffering the exact same problem as before. NOTHING WAS HAPPENING.

Really, what was even the point of his life before now? He had devoted all his free time since joining the Brotherhood to reawakening Second. He had longed for and dreamed of the day when the Human would shatter his stone prison, march up to Celestia, blast her in the face with his ancient death spell, and then go on to create Utopia.

Now he had, and everything was just so boring. It had happened! This was it! Celestia was dead, and Second had already created Utopia! Secopolis was just paradise city, only not named as such, (presumably because it would be too obvious). The problem though, was that he couldn't just kick back and relax and enjoy his retirement in paradise, because there were still enemies out there.

Those enemies had attacked and destroyed the Mages' Guild, the Church of Humanity, and the dragon had even tried to take down the Cathedral. The threats to Second's reign were still clear and present. He wanted to go out and deal with them. March into battle like some glorious soldier of fortune and heroically defeat those who would threaten the peace that Second was going to bring about!

And yet...nothing. The Knights of Man weren't gearing up for war. They were hanging around Fort First like flies around a dead coyote. Where was the action? Where were the professionals? Why wasn't anypony preparing to go take down those terrorists? Hell, even if the army was doing fuck all, he at least expected a few assassins to be sent out.

In fact, there was an idea. If nopony would give him a job, he would ask for one. He had the perfect suggestion. It was right there. Assassinate the ponies that tried to destroy Secopolis. A no doubt brilliant plan that would save thousands of lives. Those Elements of Harmony were dangerous criminals.

Even now, they were probably doing something nefarious...

***

Gold Coin stared in horror. The group were standing outside Ponyville cemetery. In the distance, a funeral was being held by a pony family. Explodey was sitting in a little red pull-cart that Chain Mail was dragging along, and everypony else in the group seemed equally shocked as Gold Coin.

"THIS was your big idea?!" Soft Spoken demanded.

"What?" said Sliske, "If you want to replaccccce pony flesh, get pony flesh. Don't try and ssssscrew around rearranging the ccccellular sssssstructure of cabbagesssssss. That isssss jussssst not going to end well."

"Sliske..." Explodey moaned, "Look...bro...I know you mean well....ugh...but I don't think cannibalism is the answer here..."

He vomited up a load of cabbage leaves.

"...GACK! Ugh...Sorry, but I just don't think I'm at that stage in my life yet."

Sliske frowned at the tiny pony.

"Argue sssssspeccccificsssss all you want, but what it all boilssss down to issssss that if you want to regrow meat, you need to ssssstart eating meat. Cabbagesssss are bassssically uselessssss for what you're trying. I don't doubt it'll work, but it'sssss going to keep giving you sssssstomach painsssss, and you're going to need a hell of a lot of them. If we get you a niccccce ssssteak or ssssspit roasssssst or ssssomething, thissss could be over a lot quicker."

"But Sliske..." Chain Mail said desperately, "WHY was your first thought cannibalism?!"

"Why wouldn't it be? You poniesssssss are delicioussssss."

The others all backed away from him.

"Oh, don't act like that. It'sssss not like I would. Anymore. I'm jussssst ssssaying..."

"I think he actually has a point about meat though," said Gold Coin, "Isn't that right Explodey? It would be easier to regrow meat with meat rather than with cabbages, right?"

"...Ugh...meat would be easier to assimilate...less complications...less time to repurpose it into flesh...still wouldn't be pleasant though...Ugh...Luna damn these fucking cabbages..."

Gold Coin nodded and trotted off back towards Sweet Apple Acres.

"Where are you going?" called Softy.

"Going to find an employee of mine. Somepony who might be able to help with our little problem."

***

Second yawned as he walked up the steps to the Cathedral. Another of his many personal assistants whom he had never bothered to name was following behind him writing stuff on a clipboard with magic, and all around the human other ponies were scurrying about and picking up large chunks of stone, either levitating or flying them up towards the top of the Cathedral.

"Looks like the repairs are coming along well here..." he commented.

"Yes, my Lord. We predict that the outer walls will be repaired by tonight."

"Good. Because despite the large amounts of alcohol consumed last night, I did not really feel the party mood after that concert. Maybe because I got into a fight and most of my skin was burnt off. That wasn't my idea of a good time. We're going to have to have another party to make up for it!"

"Umm...My Lord?"

"I don't care. Whatever you were about to say, I do not give a shit. Get to work repairing the ball room on the upper level and set up a party. A decent one. Get a disco ball, neon lights, an old-school turntable, find a DJ with a wide variety of musical tastes, and I want a snack table too! Get some coke and lemonade, sausage rolls, pork pies are good, some pastries too, the sweeter the better, and I think we can get some hot food in as well. Pizza sounds nice. I haven't had pizza for over a millennium. I rather miss it."

The hapless assistant saluted nervously.

"Y-Yes, my Lord!"

"And while you're at it, install some stripper poles and get some more alcohol. Not whiskey this time. I'm in a classy mood. Get some champagne."

The assistant saluted again and ran off without saying a word, leaving Second alone, staring up at the Cathedral.

***

"CALLING GRETTA TO THE MANAGER'S OFFICE. REPEAT. GRETTA TO THE MANAGER'S OFFICE."

Gold Coin put the microphone aside and looked down at the factory floor. Down below, a brown and white griffin looked up at him in confusion. He remained expressionless. She worriedly conversed with two mares she was working the packaging line with. The business pony could just imagine the conversation they were having. No doubt they were speculating on what she had done wrong to catch the manager's attention.

Maybe it was cruel not to give any her any indication of what she was wanted for, but he never told anypony else in his announcements, so it was only fair. Besides, she wasn't really in trouble. That much would become obvious soon. He stepped off the catwalk and back into his small little office, decorated with a few framed pictures and potted plants, and not much else.

Eventually, Gretta landed on the catwalk and walked inside. She smiled nervously and closed the door behind her with a soft click.

"Yes, Mr. Gold Coin?" she asked.

"Gretta, how'd you like two weeks paid holiday?"

She blinked.

"Uh...sure. What for?"

"I need your help with something. You griffins eat meat don't you?"

She scratched behind her neck awkwardly.

"...Yeah..."

"Where do you get it?"

"I- Wait, why?"

"Just answer the question."

"...Well...It depends on the day...Ponyville folk don't like dead animals around or near the town, so most of the time I hunt in the Everfree in the early morning. There are a few griffin traders from out east though, and they pass through here once a month. They usually get the good stuff and most of my pay check goes to saving up for whatever they bring along."

"I have a need to acquire a large amount of meat on short notice. Can you get some for me?"

"...Mr. Gold Coin, have you taken up carnivorism?"

"Me? No. But I have a friend who it turns out is badly in need of meat. It's either this, or he has to eat another pony, because we already tried cabbages and they made him violently ill."

Gretta blinked.

"Is this real life?"

"You know, I've been asking myself the same question. You think this is weird? I dropped an alicorn yesterday."

"An alicorn?"

"Yes. Giant alicorn, mane made of fire, and a healing factor. Dead serious. I still have no idea how I actually did it."

"...Sir, is this what you usually do when you're off work?"

"Well, it's what I do now. I used to be in an evil cult, but we had a fight and split up. So now I fight alicorns in my spare time. Now are you going to find this meat for me or not? It's very important we get it soon, or else my friend is going to be a quarter of his normal size forever."

"...Uh...Yeah...Sure...I'll...get right on that..."

"Great. Get what you can and meet me back here. And while you're out, I want you to stop by the farmhouse on the Acres and fetch a bunch of chumps for me. One is old enough to be my grandpa, and probably will be if he has his way, one is permanently attached to some ugly looking black armour with a control panel on it, one's a colt with huge teeth and some serious psychological issues, and the last one is an exploding midget who was shat out by Cthulhu. You'll know them when you see them. Bring them back here with you, and for Celestia's sake, don't tell them why."

Gretta backed slowly out of the room, never taking her eyes off Gold Coin the whole time.

***

Night Shroud looked around him in wonder as he made his way through the central hall of the Cathedral. The magnificent palace of Lord Second was designed with big entrances in mind. It was a structure made to intimidate, and bolster the mythos of the great leader of the Humans. And it that regard, it was highly successful.

Walking into the Cathedral, one could see stained glass windows either side of the great hall that rose high above, all depicting great events in the lives of Second and First. There was one image showing Second and First standing before a rearing Princess Celestia, with First trying to grapple with Second, and Second holding First back with one hand and pointing the Reaper's Horn at the rampaging alicorn with the other.

The bat pegasus recognised it as a scene from The Liberator, the first of the Brotherhood of Man's holy books. They had several of them. The Liberator was mostly a chronicle of the events of Second and First's actions on Equestria, at least up until their fall, so a lot of the stained glass windows' scenes were from The Liberator.

Their second book, Fall From Grace was more focused on the Brotherhood's beliefs and their mythology. Things such as their speculation of what the Human world of Texas looked like and the idea that First now ruled over the afterlife were all explained in Fall From Grace, along with details about the defeat of Second and First. Most of the theories about the ‘Firstian afterlife‘, as it was sometimes called, were gleaned from an account given by a pony who lived hundreds of years ago, who claimed to have temporarily died and seen a human waiting for him at the gate between worlds.

Then there were there was the final of the original trilogy of holy books, A Darker World, which was about the Brotherhood of Man's trials and tribulations post-Second. It detailed the efforts of the royal family to root out and destroy them, the guidelines by which the modern Brotherhood lived, and it also had a brief history of the events that occured five years after the Humans' defeat, including the Eclipse Crisis and the often overlooked advent of the Harbinger's rise and fall.

Idly, Night Shroud wondered how the new book Golden Age would be when it was finished.

At the end of the great hall, Lord Second sat back lazily in his giant, oversized throne and rested his chin on one hand, looking half asleep. One of the many stained glass windows dominated the wall above him, this time a depiction of Second and First's arrival in Appleloosa and their vow to bring law to the west, immediately before their great battle against the buffalo raiders.

The Second in the window was wearing an old brown Stetson that he tipped down low over his eyes, and was grinning out at him, and was also for some reason wearing spurred boots and an odd variant of his usual long coat. It looked similar, but it was definitely not the same, chiefly because it was sort of navy blue instead of his usual colours.

First stood behind him in the background. He had a cowpony's hat too, but his face was fully visible, and he had a genuine smile as opposed to Second's arrogant half-visible grin. He lacked any kind of coat, but he was wearing a nice looking vest and a badge that proclaimed him to be a deputy. Maybe that implied Second was meant to be a sheriff, but he didn't have a badge, so that wasn't clear.

As the former night guard approached, he instinctively bowed before his master, and Second suddenly shook his head, as if waking himself up.

"Huh? Yeah. Sorry. What did you want?" he asked.

Those knights had been right. Second looked like he had just crawled out of a volcano. His skin was still burnt and red, and his facial hair was all gone. Which was a shame, because it seemed almost an integral part of his identity. Night Shroud hoped the condition was not permanent.

"I wanted to request, my Lord, if I might be given some kind of job, or purpose. Something to do. Anything. The traitors even now flee to Canterlot, and I feel useless standing around here in this city, doing nothing while they escape."

"What? Do you want my permission to hunt them down or something? Do whatever the fuck you like. I don't care. I'm preparing for a party. You're one of the High Priests of Man now. If you want to go down to the armoury at Fort First and demand they hand over all their shit so you can go assassinate someone, they're not going to stop you. Go wild."

Night Shroud stared at him for a moment.

"So...I have your consent to hunt down the Elements of Harmony?"

Second sighed.

"Maybe I'm not being blunt enough. I. DON'T. CARE."

"...I'll take that as a yes."

"Good. Now go away, random side character. I do not care for your presence here and you are annoying me. Good luck with your continuing battle against your own irrelevance, and don't let me see you here again until you've either actually accomplished something or have a reason to be here."

The former night guard could only give a confused but dutiful salute and fly off out the doors.

***

The group sat around a picnic table outside the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse in the afternoon sun. Softy was out of the Rainbow Six armour today, while Sliske had returned control to Mystic for the time being. Currently, Mystic was poking a small yellow fruit that he had found earlier.

"Hey, Softy?"

"Yes Mystic?"

"If quinces are poisonous to ponies, why do we grow them, or even allow them to grow?"

Soft Spoken stopped to consider that. He opened his mouth to reply, but had no answer. He closed his mouth again and continued to ponder the question. He repeated this several times, before eventually shrugging and replying with a simple;

"I dunno."

Then a griffin carrying a bloody red sack landed nearby.

"Hey," she said, "Just hazarding a guess here, but are you guys friends of Mr. Gold Coin?"

"Why? What's he done now?" asked Chain Mail.

"I'm told I have to collect you. He wants you up at the factory."

Then there was a loud crashing sound in the distance. The assembled ponies and griffins all turned in the direction of the sound.

***

Success! Spike finally dug out that gem deposit that he knew was here. It had been really deep underground. Far too deep for ponies to have retrieved without drilling equipment, but Spike had claws. He popped the individual gems into his mouth, savouring every one. He had his own hoard of gems in his cave out east, of course, but he couldn't exactly fly all the way there just for a late breakfast. Moving at that speed was exhausting. In hindsight, it was tiring himself out doing that that probably caused him to nearly lose against Second and Sliske.

As he chewed on a few sapphires, there was a loud rumbling sound behind him, and he turned to see Nonvulvahlok standing there patiently. The red dragon was significantly smaller than him, and Spike wasn't one to talk down to anyone, dragon or pony, so he crouched down slightly so as to be level with him.

"Hello again," he greeted, "Did you deliver that zebra like I asked you to?"

"I did. The Kulaas se fin vulon took him."

"You can call her Princess Luna. It's okay to not use the dragon language all the time. I made the whole thing up anyway, I don't know why you take it so seriously..."

"Forgive me, Bormahsedov, but these habits are hard to break."

Spike sighed.

"Again with the 'Bormahsedov' thing..."

"Do you not like the title?"

"Not particularly. No."

"Well, what would to prefer me to call you?"

"'Dad' would be nice, considering the time I put into raising you and your brothers."

"Really? But it is so informal..."

"Which is the point. I sometimes think I went overboard trying to teach you that whole 'noble polite hero' thing. You don't have to be like that all the time. Just because the old dragons were a bunch of jerks doesn't mean you have to be a saint to make up for it."

"...What about Feynsetafiirre?"

"What about him?"

"He abandoned those principals. Look at what happened to him. I assume you do know of what fate befell him, do you not?"

"...Yes. I do. But that could not have been avoided. Feynsetafiirre was a mindless beast. You taking an occasional break from formality is not even comparable to what he did. What he did, was to lose himself completely, and that's something I don't think you're even capable of. You're like me. You had a pony's upbringing. Feynsetafiirre...He was a dragon through and through."

The smaller red dragon puffed smoke out of his nostrils.

"I will consider what you have told me here today. If you would, I think I need to take a break."

"That would be a good idea. I'll see you around 'Vahlok."

The red dragon nodded at him and took flight. Moments later, he was a speck in the distance, heading back out east again. Spike stood there in amongst the trees for a moment. He popped another load of rubies in his mouth and chewed as he turned away. Just as he was walking out of the forest again, he found the group of ponies he was travelling waiting at the edge of the tree line.

"Family issues?" asked Softy.

"It's complicated. My family is a little different from most."

Chain Mail stepped forward.

"I...didn't know you knew about that other dragon."

"I'm aware of a surprising amount. And yes, I do know that you killed him too."

The captain looked at the ground in shame.

"Don't lose any sleep over it. Feynsetafiirre was no family of mine. He was a stupid beast, whose only purpose in life seemed to be to remind me of why I hate dragons. I only wish he was the only one of his kind."

Why I hate dragons...?

"Where did the griffin come from?"

"Huh?"

Oh yeah. Gretta was still here.

"And why is Explodey so small now?"

"Ummm..."

"And why are you carrying around a bloody sack?"

"Oh, this is going to take a while to explain..."

***

Explodey stared down at the table and the huge plate of bloody meat resting on it. Gold Coin, Soft Spoken, Mystic Chant, Chain Mail and Gretta were all standing around the table, waiting patiently. They were all gathered in the cafeteria of Gold Coin's factory. Spike was waiting just outside the factory and one of his large green eyes was staring in through one of the lower windows at them.

In the background the unicorn was vaguely aware of the sound of the factory continuing to work in spite of both dragons and the colourful assortment of ponies gathering in the employees' lunch hall.

"Seriously?" he asked, looking between all the ponies, "Seriously, seriously?"

"Quit moaning and eat it midget boy," Gold Coin snapped, "I'm giving away two weeks worth of wages for this. Show a little gratitude."

"Goldie," Soft Spoken warned, "We talked about this. Stop being a dick for no reason."

Gold Coin gave his friend a scowl and then sighed.

"Sorry Explodey. What I mean to say is...I went through a lot of trouble for this, and Gretta did too. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of eating meat as well, but you said yourself that this would be easier on you than the cabbages, and I'm just trying to save you unnecessary pain, because you're my friend, and I care. Even if I don't act like I do."

Explodey gave the business pony a weak smile and levitated up a knife and fork.

"If you guys don't mind, this might take a while, and I get uncomfortable when ponies watch me eat. Especially considering it's meat. What kind of meat anyway? I never asked."

"Cockatrice," Gretta replied.

"Yeah...This is definitely going to take a while..."

"Come on guys. Let's give him his space..."

***

Explodey had not been kidding. It was already stretching into evening, and still Explodey was downstairs, forcing himself to go through the large chunk of meat one bite at a time, and gagging on each one. About half an hour ago, Sliske had reappeared and brought up that it might be less disgusting for him if they had thought to cook it first rather than making him eat it raw, but nopony really had the heart to go down at tell him that he could have been eating it cooked all along. On some level, they all suspected he might kill whoever told him.

Gretta had left to go back to wherever it was she lived. Where did griffins live? Did they have houses like everypony else or did they build nests or live in caves or something? Softy had considered asking, but it seemed kinda racist, so in the end he decided against it. The rest of the group were now hanging around the offices and doing nothing.

Gold Coin's office connected both to a catwalk overlooking the factory floor and a complex of office cubicles in another room as well, built into an extension on the side of the factory. Softy and him were waiting in Gold Coin's offices and doing nothing, while the others wandered around the office block in the extension, also doing nothing. Since the factory had already closed down for the day, it was all eerily quiet around the place.

The only sounds in the office were the scratching of the yellow pony's pen as he tried to catch up on some of his paperwork and the low buzzing of the office lights. And the ticking clock hanging on the wall, but that was so quiet you could have sworn it was broken.

What happened to Spike?

The former butler sighed deeply and looked around the room at the various framed portraits. He recognised some of them as members of the Apple family that he had met yesterday. They were just about all earth ponies, but one in particular stood out.

"Hey? Goldie? Are all these pictures on the wall your family?" he asked.

"Uh...No," Gold Coin replied, finishing up with his paperwork, "Some are, most are friends or famous figures. Why?"

"I was wondering about the unicorn."

Gold Coin turned his gaze to the portrait Softy was pointing to. It was a detailed painting of a smiling, mint green unicorn mare, resting her hoof on a wooden instrument that laid by her side.

"That's Lyra," he answered.

"Who's Lyra?"

"Orchestral musician. She played the lyre. Lived over a thousand years ago. Started out in Ponyville, lived most of her late life in Hoofington. She got famous playing in a lot of big orchestras, and that's officially why I have her portrait up here."

"'Officially'?" Softy repeated.

"Yeah. It works as an excuse. I've heard her work, but I'm not into her style. I don't like orchestral music. The real reason I have her picture up, is because that mare right there was the founder of the Brotherhood of Man."

Soft Spoken blinked and stared back at the picture.

"Her?"

"Yep. She drew in the original members, wrote all three of the original holy books by herself, and the poems that populate them, and she was a major force in making the Brotherhood what it is today. Half of Darker World is dedicated to her life and times. It was said she personally witnessed most of Second and First's supposed heroics. Appleloosa, the Ursa attack, Manehattan..."

"Hmmm...So she's the pony responsible for all this..."

"For what it's worth, I don't think she was evil. She couldn't have had any idea what Second really was. You're looking at her right now. Does she seem like the type of mare that would have wanted all this?"

The old stallion sighed.

"No, I don't think she does."

"...See, that's what makes this whole thing so tragic. So many good ponies devoted their life to this cause and never realised they were committing evil, while others were evil and had no problem with doing evil deeds and conveniently excused their actions by claiming to do it all in the name of the greater good. What makes it hard, is that even after knowing the other twelve for all those years, I still don't think I could tell apart the evil ones from the misguided ones. And that scares me to death."

***

Second sat back in a red velvet chair in the corner of the hall where the party was taking place. It was tiny compared to the grand entrance hall which also acted as his throne room on the lower levels, but it was more than enough to host a large party. The whole place had been redesigned to make it seem smaller and more intimate, and most of the room was now the large tables full of various kinds of food, though that still left plenty of space for a dance floor full of mad ponies.

The flashing lights and colours and blaring disco music were drowning out Second's senses, so he sat back in the chair, wine glass full of champagne clutched in his right hand, and he just sulked miserably as he took a sip. It was his own fault really. He asked them to install stripper poles, and by proxy had asked them to hire strippers, and he had completely forgotten the fact that he now lived in the world of talking horses and that there were no humans here other than him.

On the flipside, the stallions were having a great time.

A little man dressed in red appeared on Second's right shoulder and leaned against his head. The human didn't acknowledge him, and just took another sip of his drink.

"Well, okay. So you didn't get your strippers. At least not how you wanted. That's not so bad though, right? That's just one aspect of the party gone wrong. The rest of it is still fine. You got your alcohol and you got all that party food and disco music like you asked for. Be happy! And hey, think about it, if you actually did get some proper strippers in here, that would just make Carol mad anyway."

"HAH!" Second shouted, "Good one, drug-induced hallucination! Implying my wife is even alive after one thousand years! Do you think I'm ever going to see her again?! Do you think I'm ever going to see ANY of my family again?! Because even if I get out of this fucking pony dimension, where is that going to leave me? If I travel to the pony universe in 2014 and spend a thousand years here, then when I get ejected from it, what year in earth's history will that deposit me in?"

Ambition remained silent. In the background, the ponies continued to party, oblivious to their God's delusional ravings.

"No. Everything I ever knew is dead and gone, and I've already dealt with that. I had a thousand years in a pitch black void to deal with that. Not much to do but think about your issues and scream when there's literally nothing else. To be honest, much as I hate you, I think you would have been welcome company back then. It would have helped stave off the crushing boredom. I couldn't even fucking sleep."

Second felt a tickling on his chest, and suddenly another tiny man crawled out from under the collar of his suit and climbed up onto his other shoulder. A tiny naked man. Wonderful.

"You know, I think you're going about this the wrong way," said Sexuality, "So what? You got ponies instead of humans? Make do with what you have!"

Second and Ambition both stared at him.

"No," the human said finally.

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE I HAVE STANDARDS, GODDAMNIT!"

"Oh come on! Why are you being so picky?!" Sexuality demanded, "And ungrateful too! You're the lord and master of these ponies! Click your fingers, and they do what you want! Do you have any idea of how many men would kill to be in your position?"

"Then they can have my position. I'm really not that attached to it."

"Howard-"

"Stop calling me fucking Howard! I'm not Howard! I haven't been Howard for ages! I am Lord Second, the ruling God of Equestria, and like all great Gods, I have a rule against fornication with mortals."

Second leaned back and finished his champagne. He smashed the glass against the floor and continued to pout. Ambition said nothing, but Sexuality apparently was not getting the hint.

"Alright, so if the rule is 'no mortals' instead of 'no ponies', then maybe your problem lies in the types of ponies you've got in here? I see mostly unicorns and earth ponies on those stripper poles. Maybe what we need is to get some alicorns in here?"

Second's eye twitched, and his head snapped around to face the little man on his shoulder.

"And just what is that meant to imply?!"

"I'm not implying anything. Why are you getting so defensive?"

"Don't you give me that! You know exactly what I'm talking about! Out with it you warped little psycho!"

Sexuality stood there awkwardly for a moment before vanishing in a puff of smoke. Second turned his attention back to Ambition.

"You!" he said, "Wherever the fuck you hallucinations go when you're not manifesting like this, follow him there and kill him."

Ambition saluted him.

"SIR YES SIR!"

Then he vanished too. Too pissed to hang around a minute longer, Second climbed out of his chair and walked over to the exit, pushing his way through the dance floor and carelessly shoving aside the ponies in his way, who being his loyal servants and followers would then apologise to him for being in the way. As he reached the doorway, he looked back over the crowd populating the room and sighed again.

"I really fucking hate ponies..."

***

Soft Spoken wandered around the office block, wondering what else he could do to pass the time until Explodey was done with his meat. They kept going down to check on him periodically to see how close he was to being finished. Softy had checked last time, and he was about three quarters of the way through it and actually getting close to his normal size again. Gold Coin would be going to check on him next.

The old stallion walked into a small office cubicle. He was surprised to find that Apple needed so many ponies to go through all their paperwork. Being that their main purpose was growing, packaging and selling fruit and vegetables, he wouldn't think that an entire office block full of workers in cubicles would be necessary, but apparently so.

This cubicle in particular had a few framed photographs on the desk that caught Softy's attention, likely of friends or family. He smiled at a picture of what was presumably the cubicle owner's family out at the park. Whoever the worker was, he or she had several foals to look after.

Speaking of foals, Mystic Chant had just wandered in behind him.

"Softy?"

"Hmm? Oh, hello Mystic. What's wrong?"

"I...umm...wanted to ask you about something."

"Yes? What is it?" the old stallion asked in concern.

"I was wondering if...you...would be my new dad?"

To say Soft Spoken was surprised would be an understatement. He was momentarily rendered unable to say anything coherent.

"...I...Uh...Well...Mystic..."

The little blue colt just continued looking sadly at him.

"...I don't know if I could! I'm one hundred and thirty now! I know I look like I'm fit and healthy, but I honestly don't think I'll be around much longer...I could very well be gone before you're even fourteen!"

"Yeah, but my dad told me that all my old family were all evil ponies and they were in the Brotherhood, and they let the human out, and...I think he wanted to make me a part of them as well! And I don't want to! I want to stay with you and Mr. Gold Coin and Mr. Chain Mail, because you're all so nice to me and you're trying to stop Second, and you always took care of me when dad was away, and when dad went crazy, you and Mr. Gold Coin saved me and took care of me instead, and I think you'd make a better dad than my last dad did...So would you be?"

"I..."

Oh Celestia, he was doing the puppy dog eyes.

"Look, I'll think about it Mystic. I can't make you any promises right now, but I'll give thought to it."

Mystic didn't say anything else. He just smiled and ran up to Softy and hugged his legs. The old butler stayed still and waited until he was done, and then Mystic broke away and ran off happily out of the office cubicle to continue exploring the building.

***

"You okay, Explodey?"

The unicorn looked queasy. He nodded quickly at Gold Coin and levitated up another napkin to wipe the blood off his muzzle again, which he then immediately discarded into a nearby pile of identical bloody napkins.

"I'm getting through it..." he replied, "It tastes disgusting, but it doesn't hurt as much as eating all those whole cabbages did. I'm assimilating it faster too. My body seems to be growing at roughly the same rate I'm eating...I think I'm about seven eighths of my normal size right now...."

Seven eighths wasn't so bad. Visually, he seemed about the same as he did before. Maybe a tiny bit smaller, but not by a noticeable amount.

"Couldn't you just stop here?" Gold Coin suggested.

"...I don't know. I've never done that before. I don't know what will happen."

"You've never done this before either."

"No, I mean, not even in my memories. I..."

He went quiet.

"...My memories may not have happened, but I still consider them part of my life. If I remember it, as far as I'm concerned, I experienced it."

Gold Coin trotted over and took a seat opposite him.

"You can't let those memories dictate your life. They're part of a past that never happened."

"...But everything important that ever happened to me is in those memories! Job, friends, family, how I discovered all my abilities and how to work them..."

He stared at the table sadly.

"None of my friends or family are real, are they?"

"...Chain Mail told me that he did ask around, but that your parents at least definitely aren't real. I think it's safe to assume most of your friends weren't either."

Explodey smiled weakly.

"That's fine. I still have you guys. Even if there's only a few of you..."

He poked at the remaining meat with a fork.

"And hey! If I really was born when I woke up in that shack, I can honestly say that I've known you guys almost all my life!"

That got a smile out of Gold Coin.

"I'm just glad to see you're taking all this in stride."

"Well...You know me...A good laugh can always cheer me up."

"Me and Softy talked about that before, back in Secopolis. We both said we thought you were the Element of Laughter."

"That makes sense. Who else did you think was who?"

"We think that Mystic and Sliske are both supposed to personify Magic together, though that's only a guess. And we both agreed that Broad Sword was Loyalty."

He sighed.

"...Still no idea what I am though..."

"Generosity," Explodey replied.

"...Why do you say that?"

"Well, you went out of your way to get this for me, for one thing. Gave two weeks paid holiday to that griffin girl. And then there's the fact that you were sleeping in the servants quarters of your own house when your old room was still there. You gave it away to Chain Mail, didn't you?"

"...Yeah!"

"And how did you know the Princesses again?"

"...I met them at a charity function!"

"And your role in the Brotherhood was?"

"Providing funds!"

"See? Generosity. I'd bet my life on it."

***

Second stumbled across the throne room without purpose or direction. There were no guards around the room keeping watch or knights at the doorways. He was all alone for once. In the silence of the empty room, he looked at all the stained glass windows around him. All scenes from his life in Equestria. He smiled.

He heard hooves behind him. It was one of the knights on patrol. He wasn't alone after all. She was a pegasus, and had been hovering above the ground before. She was there the whole time. He just hadn't noticed her.

"Evening, my Lord," she said politely.

"Yeah...Evening..." Second replied.

He looked up at the stained glass window above the throne, the one of him as the sheriff and Anthony as the deputy. He had that Stetson hat that obscured his eyes and that navy blue duster coat on. He had pulled those from aethers when he first arrived in Appleloosa, seeking to fit in with the whole wild west theme. The knight trotted over to his side and sat down next to him.

"Is that story about the buffalo true?" she asked.

"What story?"

"Water in the Desert. The story of how you fought the buffalo around Appleloosa because they attacked you on sight, when you only wanted to ask for a glass of water."

"Well...As it turned out they were actually bandits, not just a peaceful tribe. So yeah, it was true. And kinda my fault."

"So you did bring the law to the west?"

"I did what now?"

"They say that you and the First came into Appleloosa and declared to the locals that you were going to bring law to the west, and then you went out and confronted the buffalo raiders. That's what happened, right? That window is you and First as you announced your intentions?"

Second stared at her for a moment and then chuckled.

"Is that so?" he asked, sounding amused, "Pony history must be so interesting if that's how you interpret everything..."

"So you didn't go to bring law to the west?"

"No. Me and Anthony just got up on the roof of the train station and started singing Wild Wild West by Will Smith. It just so happens that the lyrics are about a guy who was going to stop outlaws."

He smirked.

"And you actually took that as a declaration that we were going to hunt down outlaws for real? Oh...I take back what I said about hating ponies. You amuse me to no end..."

The knight just stood there staring, at both him and the window, while Second walked away, over to the big open door leading out of the Cathedral. As he did, he sung quietly to himself.

"Any damsel that's in distress...be outta that dress when she meet Jim West...Rough neck so go check the law and abide...Watch your step with flex and get a hole in your side..."

***

"Ssssssoft Sssssspoken, we need to talk."

Softy turned around to see Mystic had walked into the cubicle again, this time sporting a row of teeth way too big for his mouth.

"What is it?"

"You will adopt Mysssssstic without further quessstion."

"Why?"

"No further quesssssstion I said."

"No, Sliske, why? Why are you suddenly so invested in this?"

"Misssssster Sssspoken, I don't think you're quite aware of jussssssst how badly Mysssssstic needsssss you. You can't tell becausssse you're out there, but I am actually in hisssss mind, and it issssss a wreck in here. Do you have any idea what thissssss colt hasssssss been through in the passssst few daysssss? Hisssss auntie wassss murdered, he killed Chameleon, he witnesssssed the death of the princcccessssss firssssst hand, and on top of everything he left hisss family. He issss traumatisssssed."

"He sure hasn't acted traumatised," the earth pony pointed out.

"And why do you think that isssssss? I've been helping him. Sssssssupressssssing memoriesssss, blocking bad thoughtsssssss, keeping the emotional ccccccentre under control and preventing him from having nightmaresssss. It issss not enough though. I can't hold back the flood forever. Mysssssstic isssss a ticking time bomb ready to explode."

"What?! You've been messing with his head this whole time?!"

"For hissssss own good! I know what you're going to ssssssay Ssssssoft Sssssspoken, but believe me, I know better than anypony how important memoriessssss are to usssss, and I know exactly what I'm doing when I take them away. Mysssssstic hassssss sssssseen and done thingsss no child should. I am jusssst trying to easssssse hisssss burden. The only reasssson he isss not insssssane already isssss becaussssse I have been in here doing maintenanccccce."

Soft Spoken sighed in defeat.

"So what then?"

"Sssssso? You adopt him, that'ssssss what. I'm keeping it all under control right now, but he isssss going to break eventually, and when he doessssss he needssssss a father to run to who will tell him it'sssss all okay and talk to him about it. I can't do that. I am an evil alien who ssssssstealssss the bodiessss of other poniesssss. I'm assssss unrelatable assssss it getsssss, but he knowsssss you, and he adoresssssss you. When I fail and Myssssstic ssssstartssss crying again, I want you there to comfort him. Can you do that?"

"I..." Softy stared down at the floor for a moment, before looking up to face Sliske again, "I still can't guarantee that I'll be there as a father, but if Mystic ever needs me, I will always be there for him. That much I can promise."

"...Closssssse enough."

Sliske turned and walked out of the office. As he tried to leave, the old butler stopped him.

"Wait! Can't Mystic see and hear everything you do?"

"Yesss, but not thissss converssssssation. I put him to bed for thisssss one. Anything we dissssscusssssed will remain between ussss."

"Is it alright if I talk to Gold Coin about this?"

"If you wish."

And then he left.

***

Night Shroud could see the sun setting in the distance as he landed on a cloud just outside the village of Ponyville. He grinned and drew his newest toy, provided for him by the good ponies of the Fort First armoury. They called it a sniper rifle.

He set up on his cloud and kept an eye on Sweet Apple Acres. He was going to enjoy this...

***

Soft Spoken knocked on the door to Gold Coin's office and walked inside without waiting for a response. His friend was still sitting at the desk going through his papers, just as he was when Softy left him.

"Hey, Goldie? I need to talk to you about something rather personal..."

"Really? So do I, actually."

"You do?"

"Yes. About my grandmother."

"Oh. Yeah."

"I've been trying to find a way to adequately word this all day, and I think I've found it. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!"

"What? Did I do something wrong? I wasn't planning to just leave if that's what you were thinking."

"...What?"

"Nope. I was thinking of sticking around. I knew Maple years ago, we went out for a while, she left me, she's alone again, I've been alone since my wife left me...It all works out rather conveniently really. You're never too old for love, as they say. Hell, I might even live long enough to marry her. I could be your new grandpa! Won't that be fun?"

Gold Coin stared at him in horror.

"I...I actually can't tell if that's better or worse..."

"Come on, Goldie. You didn't think I was the type of stallion that'd stay one night with her and run off again, did you?"

"Well...no...but..."

"But you still had an entire speech prepared in case I was?"

"Umm..."

"Hahaha! You know something Goldie? I think we're all one big dysfunctional family already. You, me, Mystic, Sliske, Explodey and Chains. We're going to make it somehow. And when this whole ordeal with Second is over, we're all going to stop and realise how awkward our entire situation is, and just how mismatched we all are, and then we're going to laugh about it forever."

"Heh...yeah...maybe we will..."

***

Second sat on the steps outside the Cathedral and stared up at the sky. It was all orange now from the sunset, and the city seemed to be winding down in preparation for the night. All the ponies that were still in the street were heading home, children were going indoors, and only the guards patrolling the grounds around the Cathedral were still at work. Second sighed and took another drink from a glass of wine he had a servant fetch for him a few minutes ago.

A tiny man popped up on his shoulder again.

"Oh great," said Second, "You again. Did Ambition not kill you already?"

"He tried, but I had to come back," Sexuality explained, "Because I just had an epiphany that I wanted to share with you!"

The human raised an eyebrow.

"Okay. What?"

"You know how you were a character on FIM for two episodes?"

"...Yeah?" Second replied nervously, not liking where this was going.

"Then remember that Rule Thirty Four states that porn is made of everything."

Second's eyes widened.

"...And then remember that the only other characters on the show at the time were Anthony and a bunch of ponies."

He dropped his wine glass, and it shattered on the stone. Sexuality just started laughing.

"Sweet dreams, oh mighty Lord Second!"

He vanished into thin air, and the human was just left staring into space, almost in a state of shock. A dark shadow dramatically fell across half his face.

"Oh God, why?!"

END

Author's notes:

Oh, I can feel the controversy oozing out of this one. There's a very fine line between which jokes are in good taste and which ones are not. I like to think this story as a whole walks that line but doesn't cross it, but I'm sure this is going to land in that zone of poor taste for someone. Hell, one guy I know managed to take issue with a character being named Throatfuck. And really, if you can't laugh at something as astoundingly stupid as a name like that, what can you laugh at?

Damn...Yet another new record for word count. Oh well. No matter. I'm sure you'll get through it eventually. In fact, if you're reading these notes, you probably have. Congratulations!

I've noticed that now the biggest criticism I've been getting is with the grammar, and while I can go back and correct spelling mistakes that are pointed out to me, this is not as easily done when people tell me I'm missing commas and I'm entirely unaware of where they should go where I'm not putting them. I'm sure it's more than just one or two instances, so clearly there's some general rule of comma placement that I'm just unaware of. Could someone who actually knows their grammar please point out what exactly I'm doing wrong, so I can avoid those mistakes in future? I'd appreciate it.

Since these Author's notes are practically a blog anyway, I also felt I should mention that I finished reading Pink Eyes, I thought it was pretty good, and I reccommend it if you haven't read it already. Even if you don't like either Fallout or Fallout Equestria, it's very accessible, and it's primarily a comedy, and I know you're all comedy fans if you're still reading this story, so you'll like it. It was actually hilarious.

Also got started on New Vegas. So far it plays basically like 3. I'm only as far as Primm right now, but I do have some overall thoughts on it so far. One, I like the abundance of colour and the fact that there seems to be actual civilisation in this game. Makes a nice change from the Capital Wasteland. Two, the faction aspect hasn't really come into play for me yet, but so far I'm liking it. Three, the karma system is FUCKED.

Are you serious?! I get no positive karma for saving a little town, but I get negative karma if I steal supplies from the fucking Powder Gangers?! They're practically fucking raiders! Why even have a karma system when you have the reputations anyway? This is such an easy fix. Stealing from the Powder Gangers results in a loss of reputation with the Powder Gangers. Simple! Why am I getting pinned as a bad guy because I wanted to use stimpaks belonging to a bunch of dead escaped convicts with an explosives fetish when I'm dying in the desert?!

Anyway, enough of my nitpicks. I got shit to do.

Next Chapter: Drinking, gambling and the Canterlot nightlife.

Comments

[ymom2]

YAY INSOMNIA HERE WE COME

[jinger]

Holy crap, stuff is updating everywhere tonight. Looks like I won't be bored, anyway.

Well, thoughts on chapter:

-I can't believe I didn't get "Rainbow Six" last chapter.

-Looks like you spelled "somber" as "sombre" in the sentence "Explodey stopped smiling, and suddenly looked very sombre. "

-Writing quality, humor, etc. is all as good as the rest of the story (read: awesome).

-I, for one didn't find this chapter in any worse taste than any previous chapter, though I'm sure that if someone didn't like Throatfuck, someone won't like R34 being brought up.

Also, yes, karma in New Vegas is weird, but pretty much pointless. I don't think it has any relevance besides reference to play-style and some max level perks.

[Alphaetus_Prime]

I'm still waiting for Celestia.

[MisterMoniker]

Badass chapter. I loved the way you tied it up with the R34 reference. I'm going to go drink bleach to forget it now.

[Sandman]

For all you other readers, I offer this to you following that last scene.
myguildhome.com/WTBSpellchecker/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/brainbleach.png

[HeshieokFasla]

Oh god, that last joke killed me. Also, congratulations on keeping me up until 12:30 am. You keep on trucking, good sir.

[DannyJ]

453581

Try to ignore 'sombre'. That's just me being British. I already spell everything else with the additional vowels, so I figure I may as well be internally consistent, (though I do make an exception by using the American spelling for mom, because our version is just weird).

What's important here though, is how fucked the Vegas karma system is. It's all well and good trying to tell me it isn't important, but damnit, I strived to be an absolute saint in 3, (barring my merciless massacre of the Family, because really, if the bad option is to wipe out the cannibal clan, I'm going with the bad option), and yet here's New Vegas, telling me that for scavenging supplies from the hideout of a gang of criminals I already killed, I am now deserving of the same karma title I would have in 3 after nuking a defenceless city. Stupid doesn't even begin to describe it.

And I did hear that there was one companion who'd call you an asshole and permanently leave if you had bad karma. Not sure who, because I haven't met any of them yet, but that alone tells me that this wretched thing is still relevant even though it shouldn't be.

[StachePony]

You sir are hilarious. Keep up the good work.

[BoogaBingBangBow]

Oh lord rule 34 on Second. I can just imagine it.
*imagines Second rule 34*

And awesome, you're playing vegas if you're playing it on pc then get new vegas bounties. NAO

[nicksterra]

it says there are no chapter veiws...
Lets run that fact through the fucked up logic machine shall we?
(1) must be a glitch. (DENIED)
(2) i really am the first person to read this chap (IT WOULD COUNT YOU AS 1)
(3) I AM FUCKING INVISIBLE!!!!! (IT WOULD STILL COUNT SINCE IT DOSENT USE SIGHT)
(4) I DO NOT EXIST (PERFECTLY SANE AND RATIONAL)
Solution: Run naked through the street

2 hours pass

Ms. (REDACTED) your son was found running through the street naked. we shot him.
He must have been insane. Hmm? whats this? *sees no page wiews* oh he had a fucked up logic mahine. Never mind then! Goodbye.

[nicksterra]

it says there are no chapter veiws...
Lets run that fact through the fucked up logic machine shall we?
(1) must be a glitch. (DENIED)
(2) i really am the first person to read this chap (IT WOULD COUNT YOU AS 1)
(3) I AM FUCKING INVISIBLE!!!!! (IT WOULD STILL COUNT SINCE IT DOSENT USE SIGHT)
(4) I DO NOT EXIST (PERFECTLY SANE AND RATIONAL)
Solution: Run naked through the street

2 hours pass

Ms. (REDACTED) your son was found running through the street naked. we shot him.
He must have been insane. Hmm? whats this? *sees no page wiews* oh he had a fucked up logic mahine. Never mind then! Goodbye.

[DannyJ]

454173

I'm seeing 131 views myself. I think the glitch theory was right.

[nicksterra]

454193
Too late. im dead. i haunt joo now. go get luigi he should help.
OH WAIT HES FUCKING DEAD!!
google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Address&rlz=1I7TSNJ_en&biw=1024&bih=732&tbm=isch&tbnid=GODkxN75QJxjQM:&imgrefurl=http://billericayschool.net/speakup/2010/11/luigi%25E2%2580%2599s-mansion-mama-mia/&docid=XM46w9htVkzpLM&imgurl=http://billericayschool.net/speakup/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/luigi_is_dead.bmp&w=500&h=311&ei=qFyKT-u1K5G08AS9tMT2CQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=360&vpy=203&dur=132&hovh=177&hovw=285&tx=203&ty=150&sig=111170985924045189539&page=1&tbnh=157&tbnw=235&start=0&ndsp=13&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0,i:84

[bamakid]

. . . It' 2:30 in the morning. I should have been in bed a long time ago. But no, this damn story had to update with the longet chapter to date. And to top it all off, this is after spending 5 hours taking the damn ACT. I should really go to sleep.

Anyways, I'll admit, I was thrown for a loop with the whole Lyra thing. I mean, it should have been so blatantly obvious, but most of us just can't imagine her creating such a thing. However, it does really give a clear example of how tragic the brotherhood really is (assuming Lyra in this story is like her usual fannon character, being not evil and all).

As for New Vegas, I actually missed out on 3 and jumped right into NV, so the whole screwy Karma doesn't stick out to me as much. Although I do somewhat see your point.Basically, from my experience, it was pretty much "Your good as long as you don't attack first." Sure at first I kind of had a problem in the beginning, but once the raiders started attacking me first, it was pretty much free game. At least as far as I remember. It has been awhile, and I never did do much stealing. Any I did was from a group that already hated me from siding with another faction.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go borrow some of that brain beach from Sandman. I don't know if I'll even be able to sleep after that last scene.

[bamakid]

454644 Good God those grammer errors. I really do need sleep.

[InsaneCat]

Dat R34 scene:
files.sharenator.com/disgusted_oh_god_why_text_What_happens_a_LOT_while_Im_working-s300x288-303782-410.png

[meme-asaurus]

Lyra is best historical cult leader.

[The Gargoyle]

Another amazing chapter my friend. I really like how you centered more on Howard this chapter and showed us what he was doing, i missed his shinangians, as well as more background on the other characters.
FANTASTIC comedy as always my friend, All HAIL THE CABBAGE KING, and Spikes a troll,"It's okay to not use the dragon language all the time. I made the whole thing up anyway", i found that hilarious.
Also loved the Lyra shout out, she's one of my favorite background ponies, and i can tottaly she her starting a Human cult.
A lot more raunchness in this chapter, still a bit confused about the end but i like the color it added.
Also reminded me of my sympathy rage for 1000 years of living hell in stone. Reminds me of other story i'm reading http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19844/Sustenance-of-Hatred. Only 2 chaps so far but i reccomend it.

As always I cannot wait for more.

O ya, I thought New Vegas was pretty fun too, problem was I had trouble progressing through the stories cause i have the old RPG gamer habit of" going everywhere except for where your supposed to go first so that you dont miss somthing", but in a game like New Vegas that takes FOREVER.

[DustSucker]

"Like I'd listen to you!" he shouted, "I'm over a thousand years old and we're stuck in a world full of ponies! You're like the most useless aspect of me right now!"

"You can always create more humans."

I wonder...

[jinger]

454063

Damn, didn't know that followers would leave you over karma. I know that some have affiliations with certain factions, but they're all pretty neutral, didn't think they'd care about what you're doing. As for the looting dead gangers counting as bad karma, there's a similar oddity with garbage cans. Someone put perfectly good bottlecaps in the trash? Don't you dare try to take them, that's NCR garbage, criminal scum! Personally though, I found that after doing a good few big, end of quest good karma decisions, stealing every so often like that hasn't brought my karma down any. Once you do a few big quests, you should be fine. Still weird design though.

[Silver Wind]

Awww i was kinda hoping Explody would stay little,
Mystic tucking in Goldie was hilariously cute

[Bliu]

Gods don't fornicate with mortals? Someone needs to brush up on his ancient Greek...

[DannyJ]

455653

Second has a different opinion of what makes Gods great.

[TonyPony]

MOAAR!
whyweprotest.net/asset-proxy/0f646dbd214789c9052e78d1174913bec000f2ed/687474703a2f2f693330342e70686f746f6275636b65742e636f6d2f616c62756d732f6e6e3137312f4e69636b506f74726f736b692f596f752f4252494c4c49414e542e6a7067/http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn171/NickPotroski/You/BRILLIANT.jpg

[Theangryman]

Yet another great chapter. I'm just glad I left it so I didn't stay up until 3:00am to finish it.

[Akela Stronghoof]

Oh. My. God. I started laughing like a lunatic from that last joke. And then I threw up a little in my mouth. And then I kept laughing.

You should write up those two episodes, because I'm sure most of your readers want to see them. As always, amazing story. Keep it up.

[OrangeArithmetic]

Dont be afraid to use your Z's. I saw 'critisise' (critisize) in the authors notes, and there were a couple others in the story itself. Great job with humor and storylines, I cant wait to see how the different perspectives tie up later.

[TheOwlWBU]

The scene with the meat made me think of the part in How High where they dig up the corpse of John Quincy Adams and make the fat kid smoke a blunt made of his finger, for some reason.

[Jack Ass Knife]

I thought that was a nice scene with the night guard and Second.

Not much else to say at the moment... Besides sexuality making Second think that Anthony had been gettin' it on with ponies.

Not too much grammar wise, feel kind of bad for Second. Tragic character and all.

~Jack

PS: OH, POOR SEC. BLUUUEGGH

[demonoid47]

>Soft Spoken wandered around the office block, wondering what else he could do to pass the time until Explodey was done with his meat.
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/008/549/If%20you%20know%20what%20I%20mean..png

[Andreno]

you did not go too far. that was great., funny, sad, and more.

[User name]

"an exploding midget who was shat out by Cthulhu."

Oh god, My sides hurt

[DannyJ]

462743

Fair complaint on the Freeman's mind ones, but the RVB stuff is actually unintentional. If you're seeing a correlation there it's a coincidence, I assure you.

[Shabamb]

Now that I've caught up on the last few chapters, your name wouldn't happen to be Nathan, would it? And aren't Second's thoughts on Nathan being responsible for his fate and time passing on Earth at the same rate as Equestria incompatible?

[DannyJ]

464379

Why yes. They contradict each other completely. Why do you ask?

And no, my name is not Nathan. This fic has its own internally consistent fourth wall. I've put as much distance as possible between myself and the world I'm writing in, and I'm not about to change that around now.

[Shabamb]

464710 I think I was trying to figure out which of Second's ideas made more sense and to make sure that Nathan wasn't somehow still alive a thousand years later and still screwing with him. Honestly, it was 2:30 in the morning and I'm sure there was something behind my questioning. I'll get back to you.

Oh no, I've noticed that. I thought you might've been extra clever with that one or something.

[DannyJ]

465273

Yeah, Nathan's just another character. I've gone by many aliases in my time, but Nathan is not one of them.

[just moar]

this is epic XD

[Stoob Boots]

It took me fuckton of shitting time to read this, but I do not regret it.

[videogamehunter]

Very enjoyable chapter. This came close being the longest fan fic chapter I ever read. However you were beaten by An Alone Apple by Blue Thrush chapter 5 17,720 words. How ever both of stories are good.

Well anyway keep up the good work.

[Spiritus Arcane]

Lyra founded the Brotherhood of man...

Yeah, figures.

[Jack Ass Knife]

I noticed that Queen Chrysalis's eye's reminded me of Sliske.

Huh.

~Jack

[Jack Ass Knife]

426512 That is so awesome.

I know artists hear this A LOT; and I know how frustrating it can get for them, but can you do one of Sliske?

Or of First before the fall?

~Jack

[DustSucker]

480773

Oh dear, do you mean Sliske himself or possessed Mystic?

Actually I already did some sketches of First and was planning to draw a picture of him and Second in the Canterlot Throne Room when they were complaining about not knowing how to cook.
The problem is that I am usually very lazy and only drawing when I'm bored at school. Plus I am not used to using a graphics tablet which I just bought recently, although I am a fast learner.

Please give me some specifics so I can get started soon.

[Sweetie_Belle_Derelle]

"And while you're at it, install some stripper poles and get some more alcohol. Not whiskey this time. I'm in a classy mood. Get some champagne."

Many people (Including me) Would find the Bourbon variant of whiskey pretty classy

[AnonyMouse]

Personally, I find none - and I mean NONE - of these jokes to be in good taste. And I love it.

Don't worry about crossing any lines here, you've already crossed them all. I continue to read this story not because I can share a lighthearted laugh about it with my book club buddies while we sip chardonnay, but because it's a completely irreverrent and raunchy lolfest. Most episodes of South Park aren't this fucking funny. Keep it coming.

[iloveportalz0r]

>Oh God, why?!
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/OhCelestiaWhy.png

Don't forget rule 63

[DoctorAnatomy]

Pony Strippers, Eh?

th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2011/356/d/1/trixie__s_new_job_by_pluckyninja-d4jwanf.jpg

~The Doctor

[Paladin Redflare]

Dat ending!

[ClockworkShield]

"and the last one is an exploding midget who was shat out by Cthulhu."

Oh dear God that made my day. thank you for that.