• Published 9th Oct 2012
  • 881 Views, 6 Comments

Life is an Adventure - Floozer



My life is looking good, so this clearly means fate has to make it much harder. Sadly.

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Chapter 1

Life isn’t fair no matter which way you slice it. How you deal with it though is up to you. You can put on a smile and try to rough it out while knowing others are having the same issue or maybe worse. Or you can tell life to bite it and make things easier on yourself by using the people around you. That is my philosophy! Why should I be struggling when so many around me are doing just fine? The answer is, I shouldn’t be, so I simply…convince others to lend me a hand.

I think I need to explain why I work like this though otherwise some people might think of me as just some sort of punk or jerk. For others to fully understand me I will have to start at the beginning or as close to the beginning as I can get.

When I was about a year old I was left at the door of the “Hill Fort Orphanage”. There was no one around so the staff there made the safe assumption I was abandoned and took me in. That is all well and good. However as the years went on and I got older I noticed something, I was different from all the other kids there. I had really long legs, like out of proportion long which made potential adopters look right over me. By the time I was twelve, so eleven years had passed, I was the oldest kid at the orphanage and things were not changing. So I decided to make them change.

At school I was known for being rather quiet and for keeping to myself so that clearly had to stop. I started to use my freaky long legs as weapons, quickly learning how to kick like nobody’s business. Once I had that down I started a reputation as a “delinquent” but I liked to call myself a “business man”. I would go around and ask kids for money, if they agreed and gave it to me I made sure nothing bad happened to them. If they were dumb and said no I would show them that bad things happen to those who try to stay solo.

Some might call this extortion but I just called it a sound business plan! You are either with me or against me and those that were with me found themselves with benefits. I was true to my word and should they come to me with complaints of another person giving them crap I would quickly kick the living paste out of said trouble maker. If they were against me…well, let’s just say that they quickly changed their mind after finding their lockers dented in half.

By sophomore year at high school I was known as “Daddy Long Legs” the “business man”. The name didn’t really work with me at first and I kicked anyone who tried to call me by that name but after a while I warmed up to the name and went along with it. My main issue with the name is that fact that the spider daddy long legs are harmless to humans and I am far from harmless…but they do look really cool and you can tell what they are at first glance so I accepted it based on those facts.

Besides the name I would say I looked the part as well. I was six feet and four inches tall, had trendy cut brown hair, no facial hair for that is unacceptable for a professional such as myself and green eyes. I am slim but toned, especially my legs. A business man had to be well dressed and after pulling the funds from my clients I was able to get a rather nice yet still durable suit to wear. I also got a nice fedora to go with it so I was looking really snappy by junior year. Some of the less educated students said I was some descendant of a mafia family or some such silliness but that is far from the truth, as all should know by now I am a business man through and through.

Besides my ways of business I made sure to keep the teachers and other staff oblivious to what I was doing. I was quite in class and always did the work they assigned and managed to keep a grade average of B’s and a few A’s so the teachers were none the wiser. I also joined the student council to solidify my defense if anyone were to try and rat me out, after all who would believe the student vice president is going around kicking other students and destroying school property right? Needless to say my senior year also went very smoothly and I made much money over time.

All good things must come to an end as they say for I graduated from high school and used a scholarship to get into a community college. I had to be very careful here and pick my marks very specifically because college is full of those that can actually do something about me. But I have had time and experience and half way through my first year I had ten people as clients pulling in a steady income. Not to say that things all went smoothly as one of my clients thought that his friend who was a second year in a judo club could get rid of me. That lasted all of fifteen seconds as one kick to his chest knocked him out cold…freaky long legs are dangerous don’t you know.

So there we go, that is my life in a nut shell. Here I am now, living in my dorm room by myself well into my second year of college working for a psychology degree. I think a bachelor’s degree will suffice. With my steady income of clients and this generous scholarship I will get through this with a fair sum of cash in the end. I like the field of psychology; it is rather interesting and helpful for my business. Knowing how the human mind works will allow me to use even more devious means to bring in clients.

Today is Thursday so I don’t have any classes and have already completed my most recent assignment to turn in tomorrow so I figured it would be a good day to go for a walk. I put myself together, put on my signature suit and half and went off to mindlessly trail about the nearby park area. I was half way there when one of my clients, a frail young woman by the name of Emma Perkinson, approached me in her usual bashful manner; which is to say keeping her head down even though she is only five feet and nine inches tall so I easily loomed over her any way.

“Um, excuse me Daddy Long Legs, I um, have a problem with some guys from the school not far from ours to the north.”

“Oh? Might I ask what said problem is?”

“Well, they um, like to shout at me from afar and say things to me that I don’t like. They say things about taking me home and showing me a good time.” Oh goody, frat-boys who think they are smooth.

“Well, can’t have anyone harassing my precious clients and you have never missed a pay day so how about I go over there and fix this problem for you?”

Emma gave a swift and happy nod before slipping me a piece of paper that had all the names of said offenders. I am not surprised, Emma may be the bashful type but she can dig up information like none other…she was a risky target but it worked out in my advantage. I went up to the college that Emma mentioned, I won’t say the name as to protect what little dignity it may still have and went about asking for the guys in question. Eventually I found that they like to get wasted behind a nearby fast food join around six pm or so and decided to camp out there.

I was only standing around for an hour or so when a group of four guys came around with many beer bottles and even more stupid laughter. As they got settled in I decided to make my move and came around the corner.

“Hello gentlemen, how are you this fine evening?”

“Who the hell is this guy? I have never seen him before.” No shit Sherlock

“Relax Dan nothing says this has to get weird.”

“Yea, listen to Mike, it’s just one guy. We don’t even know what he wants.”

“What DO you want Mr.…?”

“You may call me Daddy Long Legs. I am afraid to say that Mike over there is wrong, this is going to get ugly as it seems you are bothering one of my clients.”

At this all of them were standing up together and acting really tough, I could already tell this would be fun!

“Is that so? You’re not talking about that Emma chick are you? Nice piece of work that one.”

The others gave their agreement and started making obscene gestures at each other and laughing.

“Yes actually, it is Emma. Once this is all well and done and you four are all sprawled on the ground I sure hope you never bother her again.”

With that being said the dumbest one of the four, Dan I believe his name was, came forward with a sad excuse of a punch aimed at my face. With a simple duck he missed and I swept his legs out from under him using my right leg. While he was on his back I brought my right heel down on his gut, knocking the wind out of him and putting him down for the count.

Next up was Mike, he came at me with two punches one to left and the other to the right. It was easy foot work and he quickly found air was the only thing he hit. I planted my right foot firmly on the floor and brought my left leg out and up to hit him right in the side of his head in a round house kick. He hit the floor with a thump.

The other two were slightly smarter and came at me at the same time. Rather than playing this defensively I stepped up and gave a straight kick to the first one right on his nose. His buddy took that as his turn to strike but I simply shifted my weight from one foot to the other and teetered around the punch. To wrap things up and brought my right food straight up to his chin hitting so hard he blacked out. That’s right, I can do standing splits.

I straightened my trusty fedora and gave the group a warning to leave Emma alone before quickly leaving the scene before anyone saw me there. I walked quickly for a bit before slowing down to my regular pace which was still fast because of my legs. For a while I just walked around aimlessly with the only direction being the park area. I can’t help but think about how perfect my life is, I got the money, I got the brains and I got the skills. Sure once I graduate college I won’t be able to do business with people as I am now but I will be able to get a standard job and that will let me fall in line to a cozy life.

I smiled to myself as I lazily walked around to the more forested side of the park. No one was over here and that fit me just fine! I slowed down to a rather slow pace and took in the scenery as pleasant thoughts of the future passed through my head. I passed the sitting bench to my right, the tree stump on the left then the bathroom to the right…then the sitting bench? I stopped and realized I had been walking for a long time but not going anywhere! OK, what’s going on here? I thought to myself as I turned around and tried the other way only to find myself at the sitting bench again.

I tried running but that got me nowhere. I tried running off the sidewalk path only to find myself back on it! After a while I was out of breath from all my attempts and sat down to collect myself. I am stuck in one area, I can’t get out and I have no idea why…crap! I stood up and started passing back and forth attempting to come up with a new idea when I started to get the feeling I was not as alone as I thought.

“Hello? Is someone there?”

No response

“Alright, you got me, this is some sort of illusion trick right? Come out and let’s talk about this.”

Again I receive no response. I started looking around frantically but never did I find anything to hold responsible for this trick. It was then that I felt the first trickle of fear I had felt in the last ten years. Whatever was here with me is right behind me now. Instinct took over and I brought my left leg out as I spun around aiming high for a kick to the head. However what I felt on impact was not the solid thump I was expecting but instead it felt more like I hit water. That’s when I got a good look at it.

Standing there with my foot stuck to it was some kind of purple cloud. It didn’t move at all to my attack but it certainly didn’t let go. Even with my powerful legs I couldn’t pull myself free. My eyes grew wide as it began to swirl and I felt a suction pulling me deeper into it. I held on for all that it was worth but the suction got stronger and stronger with each passing second. I gave a strangled cry as my other leg was wrenched from the ground and I flew at the cloud. As soon as my head was pulled in the world went dark.