Atlas Strongest Tournament

by Bico

The Big Boss: The Spinese Connection

ATLAS STRONGEST TOURNAMENT
~BICO
PART 10: THE BIG BOSS
ACT II: THE SPINESE CONNECTION

Garble alighted on a tree top, holding his sword loosely at his side as he looked down at the two dragon-ponies writhing on the ground below. "Are... are you alright?" He briefly wondered why he would feel any concern for an enemy, but he brushed off the momentary confusion. "It doesn't matter. You're both vulnerable. I could finish this, now."

"And yet," Ran Biao choked as she grit her teeth and strained to keep herself upright. "You do not."

Lao Wu shivered and his body relaxed. "So foolish. Twilight Sparkle made you weak after all." He raised his head, the scleras of his eyes now black as tar. "We have been made strong. Before I was limited because I enjoyed the novelty of fighting one such as yourself. You fight by your own rules, with eclectic technique."

"Yeah," Garble said with a smirk as he puffed his chest out. "I am pretty awesome."

"Didn't say that!" Lao Wu said with a snarl. "Technique like trying to build house with parts of eight different blueprints. Choppy. Not fluid. Inefficient. But novel." He grinned maliciously. "Now, though, no longer care. Darkness fills us, and now we must obey our master."

"No hard feeling," Ran Biao interjected with a flat expression.

Garble scowled and raised his blade. "Right. I'll remember that when I've cut you to pieces." He launched himself at his two opponents. His sword sung as he attacked, but their forms seemed to blur. Hooves like iron snapped his sword and buffeted him from all sides cracking his scales with the force of the blows. Only stubborn pride kept him from losing consciousness with the first onslaught. Instead, he lashed out with his claws, catching a blue-scaled shoulder and sinking them deeply into it.

Ran snarled as her entire foreleg went limp, the pressure points having been somehow hit exactly despite the fact that Garble should have had no time to aim. "No matter," she muttered. She maneuvered to Garble's flank and continued to pound him in the back, deftly avoiding his tail.

Lao Wu took Garble on head-to-head as his great great granddaughter harried his opponent. Their grappling techniques were evenly matched, much to Master Wu's consternation, but as he increased the speed and strength of his strikes, it became obvious that Garble couldn't quite keep up. Lao Wu suddenly found himself being pelted with wild punches almost too fast for him to see, but while he was forced off balance for an instant, he quickly regained dominance as he exploited the sudden drop in skill and flowed around the strikes while using his opponent's momentum against him, and quickly caught his arm in a lock.

Garble roared angrily and cocked his fist back. He muscled his elbow out of the lock an instant before he struck, and his fist collided with Lao Wu's face with a satisfying crack. He then turned and back-clawed a shocked Ran into the dirt. "Haw!" he barked. "You're not stronger than me!"

"Noticed," Lao Wu said, already back on his hooves. "You are as skilled as I am, if not more. Faster, stronger, smarter, more unpredictable, knowledgeable in anatomy..."

"Not to mention I have a freaky knowledge of sewing!" Garble declared as he pulled an haute couture lace wrap blouse and high-waisted princess-theme pencil skirt out of nowhere. "You have no idea how long it took to apply the lace scallops to the top, and the boning was a nightmare."

Lao Wu and Ran Biao both blinked wordlessly.

"I'm..." Lao Wu started after a long silence. "Sure I don't." He shook his head. "Anyway! You are superior to me in many ways, it is true. However... in order to defeat me, you have to be all those things... at the same time."

"Wh-what?" Garble exclaimed. "I... I am!"

"No you're not," Ran countered eloquently.

"Y... yes, I am," Garble masterfully parried.

"Don't start!" Lao Wu said with a snarl. Black fumes began to waft from his eyes in anger. "Really... you would think a little injection of Darkness would cure immature bickering." He spread his wings wide and stomped toward Garble. "Stupid dragon. Your abilities come from many different sources. As much as purple pony princess try, she cannot fully integrate into your psyche."

Garble shot into the air, straining against the sound barrier as he quickly climbed to the clouds. "I'll show them what I can do," he muttered. He arched back toward the ground and increased his speed as he fought the pressure brought on by the air resistance. Flipping himself around so his rear faced the ground, he took a deep breath and blasted fire from his gullet while at the same time thrusting his powerful legs downward. A loud crack sounded and two shockwaves radiated from Garble's feet, the force of which propelled him skyward. The small shockwaves caught fire and traveled with frightening precision directly toward Ran Biao and Lao Wu, respectively.

The shockwaves hit both dragon-ponies full on and erupted in a large mushroom cloud that bloomed to the size of the tallest of the trees surrounding them. When the smoke cleared, Ran was lying on her belly, struggling to rise. Lao Wu looked charred and was grimacing with pain, but remained standing firm.

With a toss of his braid, Master Wu laughed. "That was good. Another hit like that and I might... well, be in the same position as Ran Biao." He shot a glare at his great great granddaughter. "On your hooves! We're going to finish this, now."

"Yes, Gau tzeng tzu fu," Ran said. Trembling, she stood and looked up to see Garble arching back for another pass. "Will put everything we have into this, yes?"

"That's right," Lao Wu said, rolling his shoulders back. "Quick and decisive victory is a must."

Another fiery explosion filled the air above them, and they readied themselves. Ran Biao let loose first, a white-hot flame striking both shockwaves. Thunder pealed from Lao Wu's throat a fraction of a second later, and lightning ripped through the colliding attacks, striking Garble as he was recovering from the rebound of his technique. Ran Biao kept pouring fire into her attack, and the ball of flame rose to engulf Garble as well, even as Lao Wu summoned more lightning to continuously strike Garble in a chain attack.

When the two longma finished, black smoke obscured even the gray storm clouds that hung above. A small, red figure fell from the smoke and disappeared behind the cover of the trees, a loud thud being the only indication that Garble had hit the ground. "Go find him," Lao Wu said with a snort. "Cocoon him; make sure he cannot interfere further."

"Even a dragon would have to be very lucky to survive a fall like that after our attack," Ran Biao reminded Master Wu.

Lao Wu lidded his eyes as he shot his great great granddaughter a glance. "Somehow, I don't think normal rules of physics apply to this one."

Ran nodded and took to the air to secure their defeated opponent.

---

---

Applejack opened her eyes, and regarded Fluttershy scornfully. "Well, ain't y'all just precious? 'Fraid that ain't gonna work no more." Her earth aura flared around her, but was now coated with blackness.

Fluttershy gasped as Applejack sneered and cocked her foreleg back threateningly. Wincing away, she opened her mouth in a silent scream.

The faux Applejack chuckled to herself as she watched Fluttershy cower. "I'm gonna enjoy poundin' you." She threw her hoof forward, putting all her earth pony power behind the punch. She heard a satisfying smack and a sick euphoria filled her. Upon seeing the effect of her attack, however, she frowned. "Is that a paw?"

Harry stood between Applejack and Fluttershy, the former's hoof squarely planted in his palm. His lips curled back and he let loose a low growl as he stared Applejack down.

Applejack leaped back, landing on her back hooves and bringing her forelimbs up in a defensive posture. "Okay, ya got one o' your friends in here, somehow. That ain't gonna stop me. I can beat a bear."

"H-Harry?" Fluttershy stammered, looking up at him with relief and confusion evident on her face. "How did you get here?" In response, Harry raised a hand and snapped the claws of his middle finger and thumb together. Fluttershy grimaced. "I see..." her eyes widened when Harry then looked back at her with a smile and pointed his thumb behind them. She turned.

Tank was leading the pack as he flew on his rotary wings. Flanking him were Winona, Owloysius, Opalescence, Angel, and Gummy, who was quite a bit bigger and not quite so gummy as he had been when he received his name. Behind them a veritable army of Fluttershy's animals marched. There were bats carrying bats, butterflies with butterfly knives, and even cats with cat o' nine tails. Other animals from the Everfree also stalked at the rear, including a manticore and a pack of timber wolves.

Dark Applejack doffed her hat and gave the group a bemused stare. "Well... if that ain't the strangest thing I ever did see." She shook her head and put her hat back on, her black eyes burning. "Don't matter. I'm still gonna beat the tar out of all of you varmints." She squinted at Winona. "Yeah, that's right, even you. I ain't held back by no sentiment, now." She slammed her forelegs to the ground, and a tremor shook the earth, causing her foes to stumble.

Angel Bunny leaped up to Harry's head, and once perched there, he gave a cry with one fist in the air and another pointing toward the changeling Applejack. The other animals obeyed instantly, charging her with wild abandon. They attacked from all sides, scratching and biting even as they were being bucked aside by their enraged opponent.

"N-no," Fluttershy stammered as she cowered down, shivering with worry. "Y-you'll all get hurt, my little animal friends."

"Well," said a tiny butterfly that had taken to fluttering around Fluttershy's head. "It seems they might be in need of your help as much as you were in need of theirs."

Fluttershy peeked at the butterfly, whose face had very lopsided, but almost ponylike features. "Discord?"

"What, did you think I'd leave my besty hangin'?" Discord asked with a smug grin. "Please, girl, you simply must be trippin'. Though you do pull off that—oh, what do the neighpponese call it?—moe... thing quite well." He wafted down to alight on Fluttershy's nose and he looked her square in the eyes. "Listen, Flutters, let me lay it down for you straight. I can't really help you out much, here. First, because my powers come straight from Chaos, so even when I try to help the result isn't always... predictable. Even for me. Second, there're some very powerful elder gods involved in this who can give me trouble in their sleep. Literally. But you... you were always very talented at taming the wild... bringing Order to Chaos. I've injected a little Chaos into this situation, so... now it's up to you to sort it out."

Fluttershy's brow creased fretfully as she looked from her eldritch friend back to the animals who were fighting for her. From the looks of it, Applejack's copy was doing just as well as the original in corralling them, with the advantage that she wasn't afraid to get rough. The animals were enthusiastic, but were working at cross purposes. She realized that Discord was right. If they were going to subdue the changeling Applejack, they would have to fight harmoniously. "F-friends," she said softly. "Friends!"

The animals withdrew, staring expectantly at Fluttershy.

"What in tarnation are you...?" Applejack's copy began to say, but the rest of her words stuck in her throat as she saw Fluttershy take to the air, spreading her limbs wide, and the animals began to converge upon her. Her jaw dropped as Fluttershy was enveloped by a ball of animals which began to shift almost as a single unit.

Harry contorted his body so that his chin lay upon the ground and his body arched upward, supporting Fluttershy, as the Manticore did the same to his left. Gummy latched his legs around her, shielding her body with his armored back, and wrapped his tail around the other two forming something akin to a belt. An albatross clung to her back, spreading its wings out wide. Winona and Opalescence formed the right and left shoulders of the pile as they clung to a pair of young quarray eels. Owloysius perched atop the bunch, his wings out as Tank descended in front of him, shell facing out and bearing a pair of sunglasses. The butterfly Discord quickly flew by and drew a nose and mouth below the shades and fluttered to the top, spreading his wings to give the impression of a bow.

"Megashy, activated!" Discord announced, and all the critters' eyes seemed to flash alternating white and red light as the monstrosity posed and lightning struck behind them.

"Whoa, almost got me, Not-Dashie," Pinkie's cry echoed over the landscape.

High in the sky and far from the battle about to begin below, the false Rainbow snorted and bucked another cloud. The electricity that issued forth exploded exactly where she'd spotted her enemy pronking about. "That'll fix her!"

Another pony leaned against her, crunching loudly on something in her ear. "Ehh, I don't think you got 'er, Dash."

Rainbow smirked. "Of course I got her. There's no way she could have..." She trailed off as she realized that there shouldn't have been anypony else on her cloud with her. Her eyes slid to the side, and she saw Pinkie munching on a carrot as she floated next to her, suspended from a ridiculous amount of balloons, and looking at her smugly. "Why... you!" The Rainbow clone snarled in anger and lashed out at Pinkie.

Pinkie laughed boisterously and pulled out a small pocket knife. Flicking it, a gigantic flyswatter popped out and she smacked Not-Dashie away. "You're almost as much fun as the real Dash..."

The false Rainbow peeled around and shot back at Pinkie, hurling crude invectives along the way. She was stopped cold when a rolling pin popped out of Pinkie's pocket knife and clonked her over the head. She missed her target, spinning dizzily out of control.

"But your attitude's sure gotten sour all of a sudden," Pinkie concluded. "Really, why would you question my parentage like that? And I'm definitely not a 'son', as you can plainly see since we don't wear clothes."

Rainbow blew dark smoke from her nostrils as her black eyes seemed to glow red for a moment. A dangerously psychotic grin spread across her face as she turned to regard her nemesis once more. "Pinkie Pie... I'm not going to play anymore games with you. I'm finishing this once and for all. You'll see!"

Pinkie giggled. "Yeah, I guess I will. Alright, if you don't want to play, anymore, I guess I'll get serious, too." She flicked her pocket knife again and, somehow more shocking the changeling Rainbow more than any other item, a three-inch blade appeared. She reached up and cut the strings of her balloons, plummeting hundreds of meters to the ground below.

The faux Dash's eyes bugged as she saw the suicidal move, but she collected herself quickly, frowning suspiciously. "No way. Nothing's ever what it looks like with that mare. Gotta hit her hard and fast." She looked up into the sky with a determined look on her face. "Really fast." She shot into the air, ascending with ever increasing speed.

Meanwhile, Applejack was dodging the strange amalgam of animals taken bipedal form. At the same time, the remaining animals were harrying her, seeming to take their cues from Fluttershy, whose face remained exposed in the chest area of the strange composite creature. She bucked a timber wolf in the face, causing it to crumble into sticks, though she knew it wouldn't take long for it to recompose itself. "Dang pile of twigs're probably the most annoyin' of the..." She paused thoughtfully, her maliciously twisted mind seeing a new avenue of attack open up before her. "That's it!"

The Megashy Unit raised its hand to the sky as a diamondback rattle snake, so called due to its scales being made of diamond and having a tail tipped with a large and very sharp gem that rattled when shaken, descended into its toothy hand, going rigid as it did its best impression of a sword. Megashy leaped for the false Applejack, thrusting the snake at her like spear.

Faux-Applejack rolled away and smashed into another timber wolf. She galloped from one wolf to another, frantically attacking each in turn while dodging Megashy's slashing attacks. Finally, she planted all four hooves on the ground as she faced off against her gigantic opponent. "A'right, now... let's see what I can do with these li'l pups." She concentrated on her earth aura which was streaked with Darkness, and she pushed it into the ground and toward the piles of wood that were even now beginning to shudder. She could feel the strange magic that animated the sticks fighting her as she began to pour her aura into them just as she, more accurately the pony she had replaced, had done during the tournament. Her aura was too strong, however, and it engulfed the native magic and bent it to her will.

"Appleja-a-a-ack!" Fluttershy cried as she clenched her eyes shut while the Megashy Unit jumped at her opponent, brandishing its weapon. The air filled with glowing wood the next moment, however, and before Megashy could completed its attack, a fist struck it square in the turtle shell, knocking it on its albatross.

Another bipedal construction loomed over the Megashy Unit, its body completely arboreal save for the pony head visible inside of a timber wolf's jaws situated on the thing's chest. Its actual head looked more pony-like as well, despite being made of sticks, and a stetson made of leaves sprouted from the top of it. The eyes on both heads flashed green. "Lumberjack Unit is a-go!" Applejack announced as it raised an arm and sprouted a wooden axe.

Fluttershy's teeth began to chatter as she gazed at the particularly wicked looking construct. "O-oh, my..." Her Megashy Unit took a fighting stance, however, fully prepared to engage the new threat. "I don't know about this."

"War has changed," Discord noted somberly. "It's no longer about Light, Darkness, and Chaos. It's an endless series of proxy battles, fought by animal pyramids and animated piles of sticks..."

The Lumberjack Unit swung its mighty axe, and Megashy countered clumsily as the two quarray eels fought each other for their grip. The counter was foiled by the eagerness of both Harry and his manticore counterpart attempting to step forward at the same time, and they were knocked to the ground by a quick shove. Within the Lumberjack Unit, Applejack guffawed. "I reckon y'all are doomed. Doomed!" She lifted her axe into the air as she positioned herself over the cowering Megashy.

"Fluttershy!" Discord shouted from his position atop Tank. "You must continue fighting!"

"B-but," Fluttershy stammered as she clenched her tearing eyes shut. "I'm scared."

Discord's wings moved gently in what might have been the butterfly equivalent of a shrug. "I know, Fluttershy. But your friends will get hurt if you don't rally them. I know you, Fluttershy. As timid as you seem, you would never let any harm come to them, even at the cost of your life. You're the most courageous pony I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I trust that you won't let us down."

Fluttershy's eyes opened and she looked back up at the Lumberjack Unit poised to strike. She knew that the first blow wouldn't hit her. That axe would have to dig through all of her critters before it could finish her off. "No..." Her eyes narrowed, an inferno lighting behind them. "I won't let that happen."

Applejack jerked her head back as she saw the determination in Fluttershy's eyes. For a moment, her Lumberjack Unit wouldn't respond. "I-I ain't afraid o' you," she growled, gritting her teeth and forcing her construct to move. She swung the axe viciously down upon her victim.

Megashy sprung to its furry feet, the diamondback intercepting the axe with appropriately serpentine speed. It pushed back the Lumberjack Unit and began to bludgeon the axe, now doing duty as a makeshift shield, with a speed and intensity that would have made the genuine Rainbow Dash proud.

The Lumberjack Unit dug its feet into the ground and pushed back, locking itself with Megashy in a struggle for dominance. The respective pilots of both units were within spitting distance, now, glaring into each others' eyes. "Don't think you can beat me, 'Shy. I'm stronger than you."

"Y-you're right," Fluttershy responded, her brow furrowed as the Megashy Unit pushed back on the Lumberjack. "But there's one strength that Applejack has that you don't... and I do."

Applejack's copy smirked while widening the Lumberjack Unit's stance, standing its ground. "Oh, yeah? An' what's that?"

"Friends," Fluttershy said simply, giving the changeling Applejack a wide grin as she glanced down at the Lumberjack Unit's hips, where Angel was busy digging around inside the bramble of sticks.

"Huh?" Applejack said dumbly, noting the intruder as he pulled a single piece of wood from the depths of her construction's body. "Oh, shoot..." The suddenly destabilized unit began to break apart when Megashy applied a small amount of extra pressure, and Applejack tumbled to the ground. Rubbing her head, she slowly rose to her hooves. "Ugh... th-that... that won't stop me. I can just reassemble Lumberjack."

"Oh, that wasn't supposed to stop you," Pinkie Pie said, appearing standing on Applejack's head wearing her hat. "Here, wear this." She pulled out a large, pink suit and slipped it over Applejack's body. It resembled a frightening Frankenpony Pinkie, with its gigantic head and obvious stitches. Pinkie then planted several neon signs in the ground with arrows pointed toward Applejack and text that said "I'm right here" and "Take your best shot."

Descending through the air at a neck-breaking speed, Not-Dashie spotted a pink, pony-shaped form with an array of mocking signage around her as a stetsoned figure evacuated the area. "Good," the changeling Rainbow said with a sneer. "I'm going to enjoy this..." With a final push, the air exploded in a dazzling monochrome as a washed out band of gray stretched behind the false Dash. She spread her limbs wide as she approached, and with a screeching halt she let the force of the Rainboom pass her, becoming a dark arch. "Dark Wavebow!" she shouted.

Applejack's eyes widened as she saw the dark aura descending upon her. Reacting quickly, she summoned the timberwolf pieces and formed them into the shape of a shield, and she filled each twig with her powerful earth aura. The wave struck, cracking the wood in spite of its magical reinforcement. It shattered, and Applejack was blown away, losing consciousness.

"Ha, ha!" The changeling Rainbow Dash posed in midair, marveling at her own accomplishment even as her barrel heaved for air after that exertion. "I showed that pink menace who's boss."

"You sure did," Pinkie said as she perched on the head of the Megashy unit, which was now using its powerful albatross wings to hover beside Not-Dashie. "She won't be waking up from that nap for awhile."

Rainbow nearly fell out of the sky as she paused with confusion upon seeing her target none the worse for wear. She caught herself before she hit the ground and looked back at the poorly made and currently ripped to shreds costume and particularly at the completely different pony inside it. "Oh... oh! Her Highness is not going to be happy about..." She winced, her ears pinning themselves to her head. "Nope. Definitely not happy. Aw, mare, please stop yelling, Your Deviousness."

"Don't worry," Pinkie said comfortingly as she bounced over to the low-hovering Not-Dashie and put her foreleg around her. "We can fix that problem for you."

"What?" the false Rainbow said, her ears perking up attentively. "How's that?"

Pinkie gestured up, and the changeling Dash looked to see the Megashy Unit holding a large wooden club that had been pilfered from the collection of timber wolf pieces. "Sorry about this," Fluttershy whispered as she directed her quarray eel friends to drop the hammer, as it were.

Not-Dashie turned to Pinkie with a flat expression moments before the club struck. "Not funny, du—"

---

---

"Whaaaah, wagawaga, woo-woo-woo!"

Berry took another swig of her drink as she watched Derpy's clone spinning around wildly, her body contorting and changing color as she did. "I think... I think I might be way too drunk right now," she observed, looking at the wine bottle clutched in her pastern. She shrugged and took yet another sip. "Nothin' more booze can't take care of."

Derpy tripped over a charred piece of table, the flames that had engulfed the room having died down by this point, and fell silent as she lay out of sight. After a long moment, during which time her opponent had sufficient time to wonder if her rival had hit her head and died, Derpy's blonde mane poked out. In spite of her recent freak-out, it seemed as if it was quite immaculately styled, putting her usual mane-do to shame. The rest of her emerged, then, her face lightly but effectively made up and her body garbed in a simple but fashionable dress. "Oh... how do you do, Bichette(1)?"

"Yeah, now I know I drank too much," Berry said with a giggled. "You sound exactly like Rarity right now, you know that?"

Derpy held up a hoof, her snout pointed ceilingward. "Please, mon poulet(2), do not speak of that foalish foal of foalishness. I am by far her superior in grace and beauty. For I... am Mademoiselle Doo!"

Berry looked her rival from snout to tail and a silly grin spread across her face. "Yeah, you are lookin' pretty hot. Hey, hey... if you ain't goin' by your married name, maybe we could go find us a... a room somewhere? You're not the real Derpy, anyway, so..."

Mademoiselle Doo rolled her eyes dramatically. "Oh, Chère(3), you always do get a little... confused about things when you drink excessively, don't you? It really isn't good for you, and as loose as it makes you..." She reached out a hoof and bucked another section of table, launching a container of glass toothpicks into the air. With a wave of her wings, she sent the toothpicks flying at Berry, embedding them all over her body. "Your reflexes suffer greatly. No good for athletes of our caliber."

Berry looked at the toothpicks embedded in her body and her face scrunched. "What... what ish thish?" She swayed and fell onto her side.

"Acupuncture, Chérie," Mademoiselle Doo replied. "Your nervous system is immobilized!"

Berry kicked her legs and woozily got up from the ground, stumbling forward before catching herself. She brushed the needles out of her coat nonchalantly before squinting up at Mademoiselle Doo. "Mare... I immobilized my nervous system a long time ago. What else you got?"

Mademoiselle Doo glared at her rival. "Very well, ma mie(4), I shall call upon my ally!" She gestured dramatically to the large rock in the doorway.

Cocking her head, Berry's eyes closed altogether as she processed this. "What?" She looked to the side and regarded Tom. "Wh-what's he gonna...?"

Tom stared stonily at Berry, and she knew on a gut level that this boulder was now ready to rock. His face cracked threateningly as he began to roll forward, seemingly of his own accord.

"Hold it!" Rocky interjected, standing in Tom's path. "I ain't letting you go any further... Father."

Mademoiselle Doo gasped. "Mon trésor(5), can it be?"

"Search your feelin's," Rocky insisted. "You know it to be true!"

Tom halted in his advance and regarded the smaller pile of rocks. His heart of stone was softened, but how had such a thing come to pass? The question burned in the air for all those present.

Rocky shook, his voice gravelly with emotion. "My mother... Glory. She was pregnant with me when you disappeared after goin' out for some Amountillado. With you bein' gone to leave her to raise me on 'er own... and on account of me bein' a pile of rocks... she had to give me up. I went to a rock farmer foster family, an' that's where I met Pinkie, my first real friend. Wasn't long after that I moved to Ponyville wit' her, and found my own friends, like Sir Lintsalot, Madame le Flour, Mr. Turnip, and Misty."

A pebble dripped down Tom's face as he considered his son.

"We're also part of a crack commando unit that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we didn't commit," Rocky continued. "We promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Ponyville underground. Today, still wanted by the government, we survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find us, maybe you can hire... the crA-Team."

Berry stared slack jawed at the stones Mademoiselle Doo was displaying as she very obviously provided Rocky's dialogue, her eyes glazing over as she moved her lips in time with his rough, Broncs accent. "Oh, mare... she's really gone off her rocker."

"Berry, really," Mademoiselle Doo said, shooting her a dirty look. "Must you so rudely interrupt the drama? The roma—"

"You really are starting to lose it, mare," Rocky's voice interrupted Mademoiselle Doo, who gasped in dismay at the uncouth behavior.

"Did..." Berry started, her eyes darting between the pile of rocks and her training partner's insane clone. "Did Rocky just... say something?"

"Yeah, I did," Rocky said. "And you, my friend, have had a few grapes more than a cask."

"It's true," Mademoiselle Doo said. "I've noticed. You really do have a bit of a problem."

"You've got to take care of yourself," Tom insisted. "You can't go on like this."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Berry said with an indignant snort. "Is this some kinda intervention? Listen, I can drink as much or as little as I want."

"Yeah," Rocky agreed. "Leave the filly alone."

"Hey," Tom boomed. "Who asked you?" He began to roll forward until their faces were nearly touching, and made a fine show of anger for a generally featureless boulder.

"H-hey, you guys," Berry said, warding them with outstretched hooves. "Come on, no need to start..."

"No!" Tom declared. "I'm sick of this pebble and his mouthing off all the time."

"Oh, you don't like it?" Rocky said with a sneer, which was quite a feat, in Berry's opinion, given his lack of a mouth. Then again, it was impressive enough that Rocky was speaking without one. "Let's go right now!"

Berry turned to Mademoiselle Doo, tears stinging her eyes. "D-Derpy? What... what are we going to do?"

"About what, Bobo Minou Baise(6)?" Mademoiselle Doo asked, her eyelashes fluttering.

"About that!" Berry shouted, pointing her hoof toward the two rock-hard fighters. Rocky was now garbed in a leather jacket with sporty shades, and was wearing greased-back, black hair somehow. A steel bat hung at his side, and he dragged it on the ground threateningly as he moved forward with no discernible means to do so. Tom, now wearing a gigantic, golden Royal Guard helmet and brandishing two bronze-bladed swords, moved to meet him.

"Oh," Mademoiselle Doo said with a crazed grin. "They're just blowing off some steam. Family drama, you know how it goes." She began to laugh hysterically. "Why, my oldest daughter is a magic-mirror made clone programmed for war, my youngest was kidnapped and brainwashed to kill her father and ended up growing up with me, my husband keeps getting younger every time he leaves and comes back—I swear, he hardly knows me anymore and I just know something terrible happens to me when he first meets me—and my mother is a bug-pony with ties to the primordial embodiment of Darkness!" She threw her head back. "Waha, ha, ha, ha!"

Berry grimaced uncomfortably as she watched Mademoiselle Doo's mad cackling. She looked at her nearly-empty bottle mournfully. "I don't think more booze is gonna fix this." She looked back at the impostor Doo, who had turned her back to her as she continued to guffaw. She looked back at her bottle once more and her eyebrow raised. "Or maybe it will," she said with a growing smirk. She turned back to her rival, raised the bottle high, and with a strong downward thrust, the glass broke over Mademoiselle Doo's skull.

Mademoiselle Doo turned to Berry with a pout. "How... how rude." She then pulled a convenient bed of clouds from somewhere Berry was loathe to imagine, and fainted on the spot.

---

---

To be continued...

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1 Bichette: Little doe
2 Mon poulet: My chicken (the actual word for chicken is female—ma poulette—but the male gendered word is specifically for endearment)
3 Chère: Dear/Darling
4 Ma mie: lit. "my female friend," from the contraction m'amie, but often used to mean "my dear." Also mie refers to the soft part of bread.
5 Mon trésor: My treasure.
6 Bobo Minou Baise: Booboo Kitty Fornicate(rude slang term)

Author's Note:

Beta Reader: Imaginary Valued

Comments

[candrew]

The references, my god, the references.

[Bico]

3309458

Shh, it's going to be okay...

[Yami Vizzini]

It's my fault for not remembering what the tags were on this story- or perhaps it's Erebos's fault for being so foreboding.
I got past Garble, Lao & Ran's banter. I got through Discord being ghetto again. Then came Megashy, and everything after....
Unfortunately, it's only on Blip so I can't embed it, but if you switch out the story details of Doug Walker's reaction to the first episode of "Adventure Time", that pretty much covers it.

[Bico]

3323889

It's an underrated trope, in my opinion.

[Bico]

3357947

Yeah... I need to draw her at some point.

[Puzzle Reader]

REALLY glad I'd ended up reading 'Ditzy Don't' now. Well, aside from that it was an awesome story; I'd have no idea what was going on if I hadn't.

[Puzzle Reader]

3358936 I'd volunteer, but I haven't really figured out how to draw changelings properly.

[Ignaltus]

[Godiswithus3]

Jeez, this story continues to get sillier and sillier.