• Member Since 8th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen May 11th, 2019

Frolda


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My name is Shining Armor. That name is surely nothing new to you. I have many things to discuss with you, which can change your negative attitude at me and my last deeds.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 26 )

Good premise, terrible execution. Expect a visit from the TWE.

This story in essence is well written. The problem is THAT IT DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO MAKE SENSE:facehoof::derpyderp1: even when you stablished that this thakes place on an elseworld.

for that I can only say:
i1189.photobucket.com/albums/z424/DDAhunter/27502618.jpg

I get the mild impression english is your second language. If so, have a friend look at this for editing.

If not... yeesh. :trixieshiftright:

That's not how love works.

You're doing it wrong.

Her special talent is to spread her talent around.

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maekorpWfa1rvz879.gif

But what if everypony wants love and happines, which means scandals about stars, celebrities and aristocracy.

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m28vsml8jK1qag992.gif

She begun to write scandal articles about herself

i626.photobucket.com/albums/tt347/scoops_3/2guw8e9-1.gif

Wut. Tabloids and scandals are not 'love'.

Love is not real...

I don't understand... what was the premise of this story again?

"Through the holes in my hooves are running cockroaches." ...huh? Did you mean "clockwise"? That still wouldn't make any sense. Well, whatever.

I suggest that you try to rewrite this story in your native language, get a translator (a human translator, not Google) and then repost this.

Good luck! Hopefully your next attempt is more successful!:pinkiehappy:

Well, this had a great premise and could have been a great fic. However, you pulled a Sucker Punch on us and executed it very poorly. Plus, when the description has better grammar than the actual story, there are some going to be some problems. Time to go Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000 on this.

Dear Chrysalis,

Should be Queen Chrysalis, but carry on.

my name is Shining Armor.

Well, didn't take long for the first grammatical error to pop up. Capitalize the "m".

That name is surely nothing new to you. I have many things to discuss with you, which can change your negative attitude at me and my last deeds.
There were things, which couldn´t be. Nor me, neither Cadance

You should probably shift the "nor" and the "neither" around. "Nor" is meant to go second, not first.

wanted to admit them,but those things were there!

Should be a space in between the comma and the "but".

Cadance is a princess of love, you surely know that. Her special talent is to spread her talent around.

So, her special talent is her special talent? *sarcasm mode on* I never would have known that!

I like love.

So does everybody else in existance.

I live for it. And I love Cadance and I wanted to be with her forever.

If he loves her, he should still want to be with her.

But nothing is, like we want

The comma here is unnecessary. I won't riff the whole thing, but you get where this is going. I hope that you can take some sarcasm and constructive criticism.

EDIT: Does anyone want me to riff the whole thing? I would be happy to comply if anyone wanted me to.

So far, 29 mistakes.

1409069

We have arrived. I'll be back after I make a quick read-through.


Her special talent is to spread her talent around.

I like this because it makes Cadence sound like a prostitute... or maybe just a dirty slut. Either way it amuses me in a way that I don't believe it was meant to.

Now for the actual review:

I tend to review differently than most of my TWE cohorts. I will list off problems (in no particular order) that I see with grammar, structure, and whatever else I feel is relevant. Then I will give you one example form your story of your transgression. Let's begin, shall we?

* Conjunctions in the narrative: I guess since this is written as a letter, I could possibly let it slide. However, I think Shining Armor would be a little better learned than this. Do not start sentences in the narrative with a conjunction. Within dialogue you can get away with it to an extent, as long as it's not overused.

And I love Cadance and I wanted to be with her forever. But nothing is, like we want.

Both of these sentences start with conjunctions. BONUS: Cadence is spelled wrong throughout the story, as well.

* Verb tenses: There seems to be an amazing amount of verb tense problems. Which tells me that English is likely not your native language.

"More she gaved (not only is this an incorrect tense, but this word doesn't exist) to those who needed it. . ."
"Unpleasant facts begun to rise."
" where Candance was hold."

That's only a handful of them.

* OOC canon characters:

. . . and once we have almost killed each other with knifes from kitchen.

Cadence and Shining Armor in a knife fight? As much as it pleases me to imagine such a thing... no, just no.

* The "WAT factor":

Once I discovered, that I have Changelings wings.

i.imgur.com/vMTMw.jpg Thanks, Rainbow. You took the words right out of my mouth.
Seriously, what? This story is full of these sort of weird plot thingies (I don't even know what to call them) that just make absolutely no sense in any way, shape or form.

* Quote punctuation:

„I have changed for you, my love.“

What is that thingy? You know... this: „
What language uses this, because I truthfully don't know. I had to copy/paste it to put it there. I have no idea how to even make my keyboard do that.
Corrected for English: "I have changed for you, my love."


That's all I got. Everything I touched on, in my opinion, appear to be translation errors.

Oh, except the WAT stuff. Which kind of a big deal. Allow me to elaborate:
What is this story? As far as I can tell, Shining Armor is suffering from Stockholm syndrome and falls in love with his captor. Which could possibly make for an interesting story, but the execution here is severely lacking in all departments.

i.imgur.com/IMlOF.jpg

Keep writing, it's all a matter of practice. Also, if you can get a human translator it would help a ton. I would say you should find an editor, but I highly doubt you would find anyone willing to proofread this in its current state.

NATOstrike ~ TWE Railroad Maintenance Engineer
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

I'm going to resist the usual urge to riff and tear this story apart for one reason and one reason only, you're not an English speaker. Your use of quotes and syntax seems to be either Germanic or Dutch. As such any comments about your spelling and grammar would make little sense. I will say that if you're going to write in a different language, you should really have a native speaker proofread it for you first.

As for the story itself, kinda weird, not very good and I'm not convinced that changelings are made instead of bred. But on the whole a rather novel approach to the whole Chrysalis x Shining Armor dynamic.

So no thumbs up, but no thumbs down either.

Huh.

Allow me to summarize everything we know about the relationship between Chrysalis and Shining Armor.

-Chrysalis kidnapped and imprisoned his fiancee
-Chrysalis impersonated his fiancee
-Chrysalis used her magic to brainwash him
-Chrysalis kidnapped and imprisoned his sister
-Chrysalis tried to destroy his home
-Chrysalis imprisoned Celestia, who he is sworn to protect
-Shining Armor took out Chrysalis and her entire army with one spell (with the help of Cadence)

So why is Shining Armor in love with Chrysalis again? Unless he's still under a memory spell....

Well. That could be interesting.

I can't even... UGGH SO BAD :flutterrage:

1409252

Stockholm Syndrome.

1409212 Nah, I got it. Will be in my blog next week.

Her special talent is to spread her talent around.

Why does this sound so unbelievably dirty?

Her special talent is to spread her talent around

i.qkme.me/36hl6b.jpg

I know everyone's done it, but I couldn't help it. It does sound rather dirty.

I really have no clue what's going on here. Why is Shining betraying Princess Cadence? Why does he want to join the dark side? Aside from it being confusing as Hell, there are many grammar errors throughout. I know somepony already used this, but it has to be said again.

i1189.photobucket.com/albums/z424/DDAhunter/27502618.jpg

Um.. Lemme think about this for a minute.
img0.joyreactor.com/images/templates/solo/no.jpg
I didn't even bother reading the whole thing. And why would they get pushed to the point where they had some shit crazy knife war? :ajbemused:

Comment posted by Mashmaster deleted May 29th, 2014

1409224
Actually, Cadance is the way her name is spelled officially.

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