the Tales of Zack Marcus

by Ultima D

Tale 0 :prologue

my name is Zack Marcus and I'm here to tell you my story it might be my last chance.

you'd be surprised how fast letting your guard down can get killed. It might be better if I start at the begining.

-*-

990 CR(Celestia's rule) early spring quarter behind a plain looking medium house a few hours outside of Canterlot

Its late in the day as we see two colts, one a light gray, the other a much darker gray sitting many paces behind a white stallion as he started to speak.

"Alright boys its finally time to teach you about magi-blade" the silver haired stallion said in a stern strong voice.
"magi-blade?" the light gray colt asked his young voice cracked a little, the dark spike of his hair just above his left eye.
"Finally, about time" the dark colt proclamed in a young but gruff voice fortelling his maturity.

The tall rigged figure shot a glare at the darker of the two colts behind him.
"Zach" the tall white figure said in a stern tone "I'm not teaching you this so you can run around town and pick fights."

"Yea Zach" the lighter colt mocked "I saw you fight that older colt the other day."

"Zack!" Zach yelled "I told you not to say anything."

"Opps"

"Zach!" the tall stallion scolded loudly "why?"

"He was picking on me and my friends."

A smile ran across his face "Zach, you fought for the right reasons and for that I am proud."

"D..Dad" Zach said with difficuty.

The stallion walked up to his son and placed a hoof on his shoulder and leaned his head to Zach's ear and said "but your still grounded"

Zack snickered,Zach looked at him with a cold glare and grumbled "snitch"

But soon they all started to laugh, but soon the stallion called with the tone of a drill sergeant "TEN SHUN!" as Zack and Zach snapped to attention "let's start simple, imagine yourself holding a dagger in your aura."

"Yes sir, Ardent sir" both colts as both colt faces contorted soon with result.

Both soon developed an aura floating before them as Ardent said placing two tall blocks of wood in front of them "now swing it in your mind." soon Zach's block split "good Zach a little rough but good." Zack's aura just went around the block "don't fret my son you'll get it with time" as a voice came from the house.

"Dinner time, hold your training honey and bring the boys in" called a gentle motherly voice. All three turn and see a tall carcoal colored mare, her black mane almost fading into the shadow of the house at that moment a ray of light came though the trees and hit the diamond in the gold bracer on her right forehoof just right to cast a glare into Zack's eye.

"Awww but mom I wanna get this down first" Zack whined but was soon betrayed by a growl that came from his belly "h..hehe, guess I am a little hungry."

Ardent chuckled "well boys you heard your mother, lets go, oh and Zach" who gulped loudly "I want 20 pieces of firewood after dinner, understood?"

"Yes Sir" he said glumly.

Zack snickered again.

"Oh Zack, did you give your word to your brother?"

Zack gulped "y..yes Sir"

"then you will be cutting with him"

"aww come on."

-*-
hours later.

Both colts are choping wood outside the fence, Zack using his aura to hold the axe, Zach using his hooves "you know dad doesn't like us using magic like that" Zach said flatley.

"Whatever, I need to train my magic anyway" Zack said in a smug way.

As a cold stern voice bellowed "Zack!" who muttered "uh-oh"

"Zack you have to find a balance" Ardent stated as he walked up to Zack took the axe in his hooves and brought it down heavily on the wood splitting it and the chopping block in half then he tossed it into the air, caught it in his aura and with a flick of his horn the axe flies at a tree behind them with a bullseye on it and the axe hit dead center "you see."

Both colts are stunned "wow" both said.

"I think you two are done for today, let's get some more training done before the nightfall"
Ardent said smiling trying to lighten the tension

-*-

The colts stumble to bed as Ardent and Marisia watched, Ardent beaming with pride for his son hard work, Marisia giggling as Zack stumbles one last time before reaching his bed, as they walk to their own bedroom Marisia turns to her husband saying "why do you train them so hard?"

"Because, I want them to be able to protect themselves if I can not, as well as whatever or whomever they cherish" nuzzling his wife as he said the last part.

"I understand but you could go a little easier on them" giving him a glare.

"If they don't push themselves, they won't become strong" Ardent said giving off a worried look "I fear Zack is falling behind, and I don't know what to do"

As they laid on their bed, Marisia contemplating an answer "maybe your style just isn't working for him"

As she spoke Ardent remembered something his father said to him "thats it!" he exclamed, giving Marisia a start "his style, my father once said, one can not be as strong as can be fighting like someone else, one has to have there own style, thank you once again my love" as he started a kiss with which they fell asleep.

-*-

the next day

Ardent and the two colts were back in the yard as Ardent explaned the truth of Magi-Blade.
"Magi-Blade is a technique passed down thru the Marcus line, we focus the mana or magic all around us, condensing it to the point where." He stopped as he turned around to face his sons, his horn glowed as a bright white aura flowed to a single point where it became a translucent broadsword "it becomes a physical object, now you two try."

Both nodded as they began to focus it took all of 2 minutes for Zach to create a dagger but Zack was having trouble "Zack keep the image of the weapon in your mind but focus the mana to a single point in space" Ardent stated and no sooner then he said that, Zack formed a shortsword, Zach was surprised to see his brother do something better than him.

"Good, now try to swing it" both nodded, Zach swung left to right while Zack tried to swing right to left but was thown off balance as a smirk split Ardent's face "I knew it" Zack looked at his father confused "try this" he held the broadsword in a way so the blade pointed behind him, still confused but Zack did as his father recommended and swung the shortsword perfectly."Great Zack, now how about we go back inside and get ready for tonight."

Both the colts looked at eachother confused till Zach spoke "for what dad."

"You'll see" Ardent said as the walked in the door to see Marisia peparing a basket.

Both colts ears perked up as their faces showed their exeitement, Zack thought to himself 'mom prepping a basket means only one thing.' "picnic!" both colts yelled at the top of their lungs as they ran to help their mother perpare, making Ardent shake his head and smile with pride for his sons.

-*-
Stardust Cape is a very large hill a few miles outside of Canterlot next to the Everfree, if you go there on a clear night the lake next to it looks like its made of stars hence the name.

The hike there was somewhat uneventfull aside from the few times Ardent drew his sword at rustling from the Everfree forest understandably. The picnic itself was perfect, Zack and Zach played tag untill an agument started a sparing match making Ardent and Marisia laugh who just sat together. After the sun set all four sat and watched the beauty of the stars and moon untill Zack saw Zach blush and whispered to him "thinking about princess Luna again" as Zach's blush disappeared and he looked at his brother with wide eyes mouthing "how" as Zack replied "come on, you blush everytime mom reads princess Luna's part of the Tale of the two royal Alicorn sisters" as Zach said "not..a..word" Zack just nodded.

Unfortunately the way back will change their lives forever.

Halfway back a single dark shadowy figure stands in the middle of the path, as they approached Ardent said to his sons "whatever happens protect your mother understand" both nodded. Ardent walked up to the figure "is something wrong" the figure remained silent, Ardent's suspicion grew "why are you here."

The figure spoke "simple, for your bits and your lives."

Soon he was surrounded by a random asortment of ponies all with a murderous intent "so you think numbers give you an advantage on me?" Ardent said looking around seeing the unicorn's horns start to glow, the pegisi's wings fidget, and the earth types lick their lips. He just shook his head and said "fine but i warn you all, if you don't want die leave now" with that he drew his sword as all the ponies around started to laugh, when they stopped they charged.

The battle lasted for what felt like hours, Ardent blocking and countering every move made against him untill one of them went for the colts and Marisia, Zack and Zach were tired from using a shield spell Ardent broke into run so fast everything around him slowed to a crawl except one in the forest who followed him perfectly with it's dagger shaped green eyes. Ardent blocked the pony that was headed for his family and started to fight him but was pierced by a spear, as he fell Zack saw a tear in his father's eye Zach couldn't believe it, seeing his eyes the earth type who did it turned to Zach and said "oh its true kid, BELIEVE IT!"

But Marisia began to see a faint black glow coming from Zack as tears were flowing from his eyes but when his eyes opened they where blank as he began to glow a bright silver. He heard a voice say something but couldn't make it out but the words came out of his mouth next "FINAL IMPACT!" then the battle field was covered in a silver dome when the light faded Marisia saw Zack passed out in front of her, Zach was nowhere to be found and not a single other pony except for Ardent's body was present as two royal guard pegasi came to investigate the dome of light when they saw Ardent's body and the mare holding a colt tight.

"Go back and get a rescue team out here now"

"Sir, yes Sir"

-*-

A dark form walked up to an unconscious dark gray colt. "Aww poor dear" said the form in a sinister female voice "cast aside like that tsk tsk tsk why don't we help you with that" as a green glow lit the small clearing.

-*-

Zack could feel his consciousness returning first there were voices. "He has severe mana exhaustion, he could be out for five more days, are you going to be okay" an unfamiliar voice said with a caring tone.

"Thank you nurse, I'll be fine" said a very familiar voice.

"You should get some rest" the nurse said as she left the room.

Soon Zack's other senses returned, he sturggled to open his eyes as his sight returned and was met with a pair of deep violet eyes red and puffy from crying for a long time her mane was disheveled because of days without sleep. "Mom" Zack said weakly he heard a gasp as he could feel a hoof on his left forehoof he looked around but nopony else was there "wheres dad and Zach" tears began to well up in Marisia's eyes.

The nurse outside the room was filling out paper work when she started hearing crying unfazed at first because of her years hardening her heart for giving bad news but soon it got worse to the point where even she was tearing up, she looked around to see eveypony around was crying but the souce of the crying was the room she just came out of so she knew what was going on and it pained her heart "for one so young, to lose two it must be unbearable"

Comments

[Daffodil]

Here's a bit of criticism -- learn the basics of English grammar and punctuation before you attempt to write anything else.

[lines n stuff]

gentle, eh? well, first, don't put descriptions of characters in little boxes of text. weave their personalities into the story. secondly, i didn't understand a thing about this story. who names their foal zack or zach? thought those were human names

[Cobalt Swirls]

You need to clean this up quite a bit. This is not a roleplay forum. Your characters should be described in the story. Saying, "His brown mane tugged behind him as he ran." is a lot neater and more descriptive than: OC #1: Mane Color: Brown. Your names are also very much out of place. "Zack Marcus" is a human's name, not a pony's. If possible, the name should reflect on their personality. Ex: Fluttershy. In addition to this, your grammar needs an overhaul. There is a group on here that helps people find editors. I highly recommend you do this.

Hope this helps,
~Swirls

[FoughtDragon01]

but first i'll tell you about myself and those around me.
Zack Marcus
unicorn
coat-gray with lighter shades
eyes-silver
mane-light gray single dark line slicked backspikey on head
tail-tied up in a lengthy top knot
acc.-black vest and dark iron shoes
My brother
Zach(ZA'Ch) Marcus
unicorn
coat-dark gray with lighter shades
eyes-purple
mane-black with gray in a pretty boy style
tail-short bi-color
acc.-white vest and silver shoes
my dad
Ardent 'adamantite' Marcus
unicorn
coat-white
eyes-silver
mane-dark with silver streaks
tail-short top knot
mark-a red(adamantite) iron heart
acc.-white vest with royal guard issue leggings
my mom
Marisia Marcus
earth
eyes-violet
coat-dark gray
mane-black short styled with a long ponytail
tail-tied up but still hangs down
mark-two rapiers clashing in front of a star
acc.-has 2 bracers one gold with a diamond the other silver with an onyx
now that i've told you about my family
let's get down to why your here.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The first rule when writing any story is 'show, don't tell'. This…whatever the hell it's supposed to be takes that rule and breaks it over the knee with a sickening crack. If you want anyone to read this story, then you need–need to find a better, more natural way to describe your characters. Something along the lines of:

My father, Ardent Marcus, stood tall and opposing before me, his white coat shining under Celestia's sun. His cold, silvery eyes met my own with a stern glare, blah, blah, blah.

Do you get the picture? A lot better than giving a laundry list of description before the actual story even begins, don't you think? And since we're on the subject, let's talk about the story for a minute.

Let's start with the technical stuff. I'm going to be very blunt with this: the punctuation and capitalization was godawful, which I honestly don't understand. The inconsistency was absolutely staggering. I saw quotation marks, exclamation points, and words in all caps (which isn't necessary), so I know that you know how to use the shift key. So why in the holy mother of fck does virtually every single sentence in this story start off with a lowercase letter? You seem to know basic capitalization since your characters' names are properly capitalized, but things like your 'I's and the first letter of sentences are left lowercase. Like it or not, you are in desperate, desperate need of an editor if you want any hope of this story being eligible.

Now to the story itself. I honestly had a very difficult time figuring out what was going on, which isn't very surprising since you barely described anything. In the first scene, you say that we're outside Canterlot. Okay? What else? Was it night? Was it day? Sunny? Cloudy? Cold? Hot? Could we hear the chatter of the hundreds of ponies wandering inside the city? Also, we're at a 'medium house' as you chose to call it. What did the house look like? Was the house two-stories tall? Three-stories? Was it extravagant in design? Simple in design? I'm not saying describe every single bit of detail down to how many bugs were buzzing around, but you need to help the reader paint a picture in their head about what the environment looks like, and what the characters are doing in said environment. Try something like:

Celestia's sun was setting over the horizon, giving the sky a magnificent, orange sheen. Hours outside of Canterlot, two young colts, both grey, sat in the middle of a grassy plain as a stallion paced back and forth before them, his cold, silver eyes locked with theirs. Even during a sunset, his white coat practically shone with brilliance, but that didn't deter anypony from the sense of foreboding that filled the air.

See? Reading that, what do you picture? A grassy field during a sunset with a city a few miles away. The description the three ponies involved gets across, and nothing feels too forced. Granted, there's no mention of the house, but it's a rough draft, so what can you do?

You might've noticed that I kept my above observations limited to the first scene. Well, there's a pretty decent reason for that: it was as far as I could go. If these errors continued throughout a whole entire scene, then the rest of the story is no doubt filled with them as well. Besides, my head was starting to hurt from trying to figure out what the hell was going on, so I'll just end it here. There will no doubt be other criticisms that'll tackle other things that I didn't, and what you choose to do with those will be all on you.

This needs work. A lot of work. A total revamp. Like I said, I suggest getting an editor to help with your grammatical issues, and maybe even a cowriter to help you with things such as pacing and description. Don't be afraid to ask for help, because you never know who you might find. Goodbye, and best of luck to you.

(P.S Capitalize your title. The Tales of Zack Marcus)

[MidnightDancer]

They're both named Zach? Pronounced the same, even with a small spelling change.

This needs a ton of work. Take the advice of FoughtDragon-get an editor.

[Ultima D]

1408739 ever hear of an anime called Zach Bell

was my pronunciation set up wrong?

[MidnightDancer]

1411677 I live in America, and over here we pronounce them the same-Zack is an alternate spelling of Zach.

[FuntimeBrony]

come on guys quit commenting on the small things the story over all is pretty good right?

[FoughtDragon01]

1414391
I wouldn't know much about the story's actual quality because I didn't bother reading the whole thing. Hell, for all I know, the actual plot could be a golden, but I wouldn't know because the atrocious grammar and goddamn laundry list of description at the very beginning of the story drove me away before I could really get into it. A story cannot, under any circumstances, have a decent story, but bad grammar. That makes the story very hard to read, and will turn people away, just like it did to me.

If you were able to find a decent story underneath that mess of grammar and spelling errors, then more power to you, but don't say that understanding basic grammar is a 'small thing', because it isn't. And be honest, this story could be a lot better, couldn't it? If English isn't the author's first language, then the grammar's understandable, but that's what an editor is for. To help fix that sort of thing so that the story is far easier to read. I even suggested that he get one in my pseudo-review. If he did that, then readers would be more likely give this story a fairer chance. If he put more effort behind this thing, then people would have an easier time reading it, and maybe even praise it as opposed to tear it a new one. That's a fair exchange, right?

[FuntimeBrony]

1414553 then be nice and help him out instead of turning down the story tell him his errors in a nice way and then try to reword them for him and see if he will go for that

[FoughtDragon01]

1414649 Heh, if you think that I wasn't being nice, then you need to read a legitimate TWE review. Regardless, I'll see what I can do for this. Right after I eat dinner. Gotta get those critical juices flowin', ya know?

[FuntimeBrony]

yep okay give the person a try you may never know it may become a very good story right i've been through much worse an nopony wanted to help me so i'm doing the right thing and trying to make a difference for the others who are not doing so well