How Griffons Solve Problems

Ceraph

Ceraph #1 · Oct 9th, 2012 · 1 · ·

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OH MY GOD, THAT WAS BRILLIANT!

Must get more people to read, but how?

Should enough people read it this could easily be featured.

Regidar

Regidar #2 · Nov 6th, 2012 · 2 · ·

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POLITICS?
static3.fjcdn.com/comments/not+promoting+clopping+just+found+a+perfect+time+to+use+_23621cb00529e7b4cffa2d23d77670e1.jpg

Seether00

Seether00 #3 · Nov 6th, 2012 · · ·

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I enjoyed their solution.

Commissar Rarity

Commissar Rarity #4 · Jan 22nd, 2013 · 1 · 1 ·

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Howdy! I'm from Authors Helping Authors and I rather liked this fic so I decided to review it.

Grammar Score: 9/10. A few very minor mishaps.

Pros:
-The punchline, so to speak, was amusing. I certainly wasn't expecting it.
-The characterization was good
-I liked the subversion with the unicorn in the ice, as I was honestly expecting Sombra.

Cons:
-Telling instead of showing. I.E., "Aurora rushed over to the furnace." A way of showing it instead of simply telling would be to get into the moment. Like emotions, a description of his run to the furnace, etc.
-The griffons were kinda bland. All I can remember about them is one of 'em has an accent.
-Minor "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome". What this is is basically describing Twilight as, well, a lavender unicorn. Most of the time it's unnecessary, but I'll give it a pass as most of the time you used it as a shortcut to describe characters instead of infodumps.

Notes:

Gonna talk about that openin' paragraph a bit. I personally found it a little bland and uninteresting, so I tried to rework it.

As the chariot that pulled Aurora Light and his assistant through the sky drew closer to the mountains, Aurora decided that he had never been so cold in his life. The brown unicorn was holding his dark blue cape as close to body as he could, but a wizard's hat and cape was not suitable protection against the icy winds that was common in the land of the griffons.

I personally would have written something along the lines of:

The frigid wind nipped at Aurora Light as his chariot flew through the mountains. He drew his dark blue cape as tight as possible, but it offered little protection against the cold. Much to his dismay, he had found that bone-chilling winds were quite common in the land of the griffons. He miserably reflected that he'd never felt as cold before as he did right now.

I'm not saying "use my version", merely using it as an example so I can more easily point out what should be changed. It's still not perfect, but it should illustrate some stuff.

Now then, I did remove a few minor details, but they can easily be slipped in later. What I did was rework that first sentence. The original has two distinct thoughts - Aurora is cold and he's in a chariot in the sky - that don't really flow well together. There's more descriptive language in the rest of the paragraph, and it also provides introspection as to what I assume is Aurora's emotional state is at the moment.

So, that's about it from me. If you'd like, I've got a little fic called The Frightenmares that could use another review.

I hope this helps, in someway!

Steel Wing

Steel Wing #5 · Jan 26th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Greetings, amigo. I'm here from the group Authors Helping Authors to give your story a wee little feedback. (My first review, BTW.)

Grammar:
8/10 For the most part, no mistakes, though I did spot a missing quotation mark.

"You’re in Fort Raven," answered Jacket.

Pros:
- Clever and interesting plot.
- Has plenty of potential to go on.

Cons:
- There just wasn't much comedy in it for me.
- Pretty abrupt solution to stopping the freed unicorn.

Notes:
- It can, at the very least, have a little more detailed backstory to the world and characters. Visual notes, how some of the characters sounded like to others. Like Aurora being a royal wizard: how long ago did he become one? Is he one of the elite royal wizards? How did he meet Silvia?
- This is just a personal preference of mine, but there could've been much more description of the environment. For the majority of the time, it seemed to more dialogue based, and that doesn't really help you dive into this one-shot fic. More description could definitely be an improvement.
- It seemed more like a small "Adventure" kind of story -- and potentially "Dark" 'cause of the cold-blooded murder scene -- as opposed to "Comedy".

And... that's about it from me. I hope you found my review helpful, and I hope you'll check out my fic, The Colthood of Steel Wing. Thanks!

nightwalker

nightwalker #6 · Aug 30th, 2015 · · ·

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"They are? Well, I suppose that makes sense, being reptiles and all. My apologies, Silvia. Had I realized how utterly useless you would be on this trip I would have left you in Canterlot. I sincerely hope your condition can be reversed."

Worst boss ever!

Okay, this was way funnier than I expected. Loved the griffon welcoming committee, loved thawing the dragon (and dialogue in the immediate aftermath). Yes, it was short and simple but I found it charming and it didn't overstay its joke. A fun piece.

Mysterious Stranger