School ended as it always did, with a sigh of relief. Finally, I was free to go. I stuffed my new lunchbox into my saddlebag and started out.
It wasn't going to be that easy, of course. I'd attracted the attention of the local bully, who'd had time to get her nerves back up after getting faced down earlier. New backbone or not, she came with an ally this time, a green unicorn filly with a brown mane.
"She don't look so tough," the green filly with the ivy cutie mark said, giving me the hairy eyeball. I brushed passed her and Vanilla Sweet, not bothering with a reply.
"She's not, Ivy," Vanilla Sweet scoffed. "She just thinks she is, what with that stupid story about having been a stallion."
"Oh, that's her?" I could hear the sneer in the unicorn's voice, but I elected to ignore it. The two of them fell in behind me, not letting up on the jabs that they were sure would wound my tender heart. "Sad. Maybe she lost her marbles because she's still a blank flank?"
Actually, that one did hurt a little. I have a cutie mark, or at least I had a cutie mark. When the poison joke hit me, it not only took away my sense of self, it took my mark away too. My old cutie mark was a pair of hoof-cuffs, which I'd received when I first realized that I wanted to be a police officer. I had no idea if I could get that mark back or not. I could only hope that I got it back when I got cured.
They'd crossed a line, though they hadn't realized it. They kept making little quips at my expense as I angled my way towards Miss Persimmon, who was standing by the gateway to the schoolyard, saying a happy farewell to all of her little students. The teasing behind me died down as we approached the teacher. Even bullies aren't dumb enough to bully with a teacher present.
It's called the Schoolyard Code. The average student would have just walked on by the teacher without saying anything, guaranteeing that they'd be harassed and teased for as long as the bullies maintained interest. For some reason, that was considered to be better than being a "snitch". I wasn't the average student. I pulled up sharply by the teacher, the two fillies behind me almost colliding with my back end. That'll teach them to pay attention.
"Miss Persimmon," I said, the politeness in my voice making her look at me as if I were a stranger. "These two fillies have been bullying me."
Her eyes went wide, whether from the accusation or from my lack of a confrontational attitude, I could only begin to guess. The fillies behind me began protesting their innocence, but I can talk louder than anypony when I set my mind to it.
"They've been calling me crazy and a blank flank since school let up. And, earlier, Vanilla Sweet took another filly's lunchbox."
"I gave it back!" Vanilla Sweet slapped a hoof over her muzzle when she realized that her protest doubled as a confession.
"That was after she hit the other filly in the muzzle and knocked her down," I continued relentlessly. Ivy, relatively innocent of any accusations so far, started backing away. She stopped when the teacher's glare pinned her to the ground.
I noticed now that we were gathering quite a crowd. Plum Pudding was there, her eyes wide in disbelief as I did the unthinkable: telling a teacher.
"Are you making this up, Cinnamon Swirl?" the teacher asked me.
"You don't really know me," I told her evenly. "I know you think my stories about being a stallion before are all made up. But, whatever, that's not even important. One thing that I would never do, ever, is lie to get another pony in trouble. Everything I just told you is the truth."
Miss Persimmon raised a hoof, silencing the protests from the two fillies behind me.
"Who did she hit?" she asked, her voice low and dangerous. In spite of myself, I was really starting to like this mare.
I was about to answer when I caught Plum's eye. She was shaking her head, panic in her eyes. I sighed. "I think the filly in question doesn't want to get the bullies madder at her by speaking up. She didn't know I was going to do this, and she probably wants me to keep her name out of it."
The teacher was no dummy. She caught where my eyes were going. She saw Plum Pudding shaking her head. She saw the bruise on her muzzle and the panic and shame in her eyes. She looked back at me and nodded. "I understand. I won't force her to speak up, if she's afraid of being hit again. I'll take your word for it."
"What?!" Vanilla Sweet seemed ready to blow, at first. Then a thought occurred in her dim little filly brain, and she got all smug. "You can't actually do that! I have a right to face my accuser! It's, like, the law and junk! You have to let me go, otherwise!"
"That's only if you're arrested and charged with a crime," I told her. Now I was the one having trouble keeping the smugness out of my voice. I think I managed, if just barely. "Though, I suppose hitting another pony does count as assault. If you really want to face your accuser, we could go that route."
My words landed in the playground like a block of lead. Vanilla Sweet was waving her hooves, protesting that she didn't want that, didn't want that at all. Ivy looked like she was near to tears. I can't blame her. She'd just tagged along for a little "harmless" team bullying, and suddenly ponies were talking about charging for assault and other big-league stuff.
"Quiet!" Miss Persimmon's voice cut across the schoolyard, leaving it quiet enough to hear a pin drop. She pointed a hoof at the two bullies. "All right. You two, back in the classroom, now.. We've got a few things to talk about, and I'll need to write up notes to send home to your parents."
"But..!" is all Vanilla Sweet got out before the teacher's glare cut her back down to size. The two of them slunk off back towards the school, ears and tails drooping low.
"Do you need me to stick around too, ma'am?" I asked.
Miss Persimmon was surprised. "I... No. That's all right, dear. I'll talk to you tomorrow to make sure that what they tell me matches up with your version of things. I want to make sure nothing gets left out." I nodded and started walking away. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention!" she called after me. I hesitated, then waved over my shoulder.
"You got it," I said.
I'd only been walking less than a minute before I realized that I'd picked up a shadow.
"What's up?" I said, turning to face her.
Plum Pudding squeaked in surprise.
"I... um... I can't believe you told on them. That was so brave!"
"Why was it brave?" I asked. "Keeping the students in line is part of a teacher's job. Only a bad teacher would ignore bullying when she had her nose rubbed in it."
Miss Persimmon was many things, but she wasn't a bad teacher. I'd known more or less how things would go down before I even talked to her.
"Yeah, but... aren't you afraid it's going to get worse, now?"
It was going to be worse. I knew for a fact that I wasn't done with those two, not yet. But that didn't matter. You do what you have to do, then you pay the price for it.
"There's not much they can do to me," I said. "If they hit me, I go back to the teacher. If they tease me and it's bad enough, I go back to the teacher. And, after having been caught bullying once, it's going to go even harder on them the next time."
"Yeah, but..."
"It shouldn't have been me, though."
That caught her flat-hooved. She looked at me, confused.
"I mean, you should have told the teacher right away. You're the one who got clobbered."
"I couldn't! I mean, what if—"
I stopped walking and faced her, cutting her off neatly mid-sentence. "'What if', what? What if she hit you? She already did that. You don't let anypony raise a hoof to you without consequences, Plum Pudding. That's a sure way to end up a doormat the rest of your life."
"So, what?" She seemed miffed, now. "I should have hit her back? She would have pulverized me!"
"No. You do what I did. It's Miss Persimmon's job to take care of things like this." I started walking away, shaking my head. "I just don't get why you wouldn't do that."
She simmered behind me for a little while. "That's easy for you to say!" she said, mad as a wet cat. She trotted up next to me, still steaming. "You're grown-up, really. I'm just a filly! It's not so easy!"
I grinned at her. "Thanks, kid."
Confusion skittered across her face from the sudden change in conversational direction. "For what?"
"You believe me when I say I'm a grown-up."
"You have to be," she said resolutely. "You're just too weird to be a normal filly."
I couldn't help it. I just laughed. The first time I'd really laughed in days. After a minute, she started laughing too. I felt a part of myself give in. In spite of myself, I'd gained a friend. I could only hope that she knew what she was in for.
You guys are awesome. Because you're awesome, have another chapter.
Also, have a peek at my Ponycreator references to Vanilla Sweet and Ivy:
Edit: I derped and put up the wrong picture... here's the right one
i1167.photobucket.com/albums/q624/Hoopy_McGee/VanillaSweetandIvy_zpsec044907.png
Voice: "..."
Me: "Told you so~"
Voice: "Fuck you, get to reading"
2000845 If I remember correctly, he used to be a grown stallion that was a cop :p
2000703
I watched the HGTTG movie and just picked up the book series, but I didn't recognize that. Is it farther into the series than the first book?
2000890
Hmm... I don't actually remember, it's been a while since I've read those. That reminds me, I should probably pick up the e-book version of those
The definition of "hoopy" is: a really together guy. Which I'm not, really, but one can dream
2000931
Oh, that's right in the 3rd chapter, when they first arrive on the Vogon's ship and the Guide is talking about having your bath towel. I guess that Portal bit just stuck in my head better....
2000798 Is it wrong that just looking at them makes me want to punch them?
Hoooooopyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
2000931
I dunno, you seem like a pretty hoopy frood to me. You seem like someone who really knows where your towel is.
Anyway, just found this story. Had a few of your existing stories favorited but apparently don't have you on author watch or whatever.
I'll have to remember to read and review it sometime tomorrow. I'm sorry, but I am really really tired right now.
I'm sure it is fantastic as usual, though.
Yeeeeeeeeeees. Please go on!
Going to the teacher? What blasphemy is this?!
It'd be amusing as hell if he ended up having to grow up again entirely as a filly.
There's that legalese I was hoping for! Good job officer, you just scared some juvies.
I had to take a quick look back at "Why am I Pinkie Pie?!", but I remember this guy. This is gonna be fun.
Keep up the awesome work, Hoopy! Looking forward to future chapters!
this is one of the best fics i've read in a while and i've been on here for almost a year, love this fic keep up the good work, hope to see more soon! and its impressive you did 2 more chapters 6 days after the first
If only more handled situations like he/she did...seeing delinquents getting what they deserve is always entertaining. The whole idea of "being a snitch" being a bad thing is just absurd, really. Yet for some reason it's the prevalent way of thinking.
"-And Pedobear was formed-!!!" explained Auntie Pinkie.
*face hoof*
Hahaha. I kid. I kid. *punny* Hahaha. But honestly, fun story.
It has a very, very narrow amount of target readers... but ah'm just glad ah qualify.
The comedy tag on this feels out of place. It seems... kinda serious actually. I'm liking it so far, so I'll give it a fave, but... are you sure this is a comedy? It's... not funny. The main character is too smart to function comedically, unless you're planning on playing him(her) off against all the other idiots he has to spend time with.
Oh, and his hatred of Pink is implying to me that Pinkie Pie is the root cause of his hatred of that colour.
When I first finished reading 'Why am I Pinkie Pie?!' there was a little voice in the back of my mind which asked "now whatever became of that cop who ran afoul of the poison Joke?". Now that question is being answered in a far more thorough and delightful way then I ever expected. Hoopy Mcgee you've done it again.
This is positively fascinating. Fantastic work, my friend, keep it up. While I wait for the next installment, I just might read this Pinkie Pie tale the comments keep mentioning...
2000798
Vanilla Sweet really looks nowhere near her name sake. Or is it because she doesn't bathe much.
I was losing my censored laughing after this guy got dragged off by his crazy mom near the end of the Pinkie Pie tale so seeing this spin off was SO AWESOME!
I love how you're writing in that "Hard boiled" detective style here, freaking brilliant and lovely to read. I do wonder how you'll be able to balance out the character's interactions so we don't end up hating the "extremes" in the case of Mother vs. former Son. For clarification, the act of taking her poisoned son away from his life to fulfill a role she desires is inherently an evil act which makes him the sympathy garnering victim and would make hating her for doing this almost inevitable thus making the story far less comedic than if rather than just being selfish she's instead mostly deranged or crazy and he's the poor son that got stuck dealing with her possible psychosis issues.
I'm looking forward to seeing how our hardened Police Office survives through filly-hood for the time being!
Congratulations on the featured box! You deserve it, Hoopy.
Now that's the way to ruin a bully's day Cinnamon.
I love it that you've made this. Bwahahaha, just my kind of humor.
Well, that explains what happened to Cinnamon Swirl, BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!
This is better than episode 3. Or Portal 3, but- No, I think I'd still take Portal 3. Never played Half-Life a day in my life. But I remember reading in Harry Potter that if you drink unicorn blood you'll have a half life. So, problem solved! Rarity, It's your time to DIE (How did I get so off topic?)
This is a really good story. I can't wait for more, and that's why I've been watching you ever since I read the first chapter of WaIPP.
2002289 Whaddaya mean? Twister isn't in there! Oh, wait, you meant Hoopy, didn't you? That makes more sense. You should be more specific next time!
This looks amazing. I only pray that there will be a Judge Dredd (1995) reference somewhere down the line.
"No. You do what I did. It's Miss Persimmon's job to take care of things like this." I started walking away, shaking my head. "I just don't get why you wouldn't do that."
Because in the real world, teachers DON'T take care of things like this. They have dozens of students to deal with-- sometimes hundreds--- every day. and that's if the teacher is one of the rare ones who has enough energy to give a damn. Ninety percent don't. And ninety percent of the remainder don't even care. The best they can do is irritate the bully a little, and then set them loose on the playground again... Sooner or later it comes down to the victim of the bully standing up to the bully themselves.
And all the while, the unluckiest cop in all the universes never seems to notice he has a found compatriot to aid him in his quest to get to the Ponyville Spa.
This is great. Buuya.
2002498
That's true, and I think it's tragic. Decreasing class sizes, coming up with a comprehensive bullying policy, and training teachers in the correct way to handle it is critical (almost as critical as getting the parents involved) but for all the talk of making education a priority and stopping bullying, that's one thing that never seems to happen, at least in the US.
That, and so many parents are convinced that their kids are special little snowflakes and that any so-called bullying is just a misunderstanding or high spirits or something, and aren't willing to admit their kids are bullies.
I wasn't trying to trivialize the struggle that so many face. I feel for kids in school who are bullied because I was there, I was one of them, and I know how hard it is to ask for help. CS doesn't understand that part of it because he sees things in much more black and white terms. To him, someone doing something wrong means that you tell the authorities and that's all there is to it.
But when he told Plum "You don't let anypony raise a hoof to you without consequences", that's something I believe. Not that I think violence should be the first response unless it's necessary in the moment for someone to protect themselves, but telling a teacher or the principal is a good first step, as is telling a parent. Bullying is never going to stop completely, because some people are just jerks, but nobody should have to suffer through it alone.
I should stop myself here. I could go off on a huge rant about bullying if I really get started. It's a subject I'm somewhat passionate about.
Anyway, back on track, thanks for your comment. That's one of the themes I was hoping to explore in this story, and I'm hoping folks will let me know if I start straying off the deep end in that regard, or depict it in an unrealistic fashion.
2002887
Coincidentally, PLEASE tell me the protagonist gets a cure. This is grade A Fridge Horror Nightmare Fuel, here. For a mother to do that to her son... to hold him prisoner and deny him a cure so she can live out her delusional fantasy of having a sweet little girl child all her own.... she would have to be seriously mentally ill to do this. Flowers in the Attic/Mommy Dearest/Hand that Rocks the Cradle psycho crazy. He's effectively a man crippled by debilitating poison and being held prisoner by a psychotic woman with "Misery" level delusions. Not cute, not funny, HORRIFYING.
And SOMEone has to have heard of Poison Joak. I would certainly think Twilight Sparkle would have been conscientious enough to report the existence of such a dangerous and unstable magical plant to the proper authorities, starting with the Princesses and working her way on down. So long as she kept the knowledge of its existence -- and the cure--to herself it would be a terrible weapon in the wrong hands/hooves.
Cinnamon Swirl is back!
I'm sure every second or third comment has been like this but whatever:
I'm so happy that he's back! I have been looking forward to this ever since you mentioned working on a sequel.
So far so good, the style is different than "Why Am I Pinkie Pie?!" (for obv reasons) but it's still funny, and it's a very promising set up.
I already like Persimmon' and Plum Pudding as well!
2002887
There are consequences and there are consequences... there's a difference between self defence and retaliation (which I think was part of the lesson we were supposed to get from One Bad Apple). This common schoolyard bullying is not going to escalate into the type of domestic violence seen in J-Lo's "Enough," and CS is being smart (or at least nice) by trying to nip it in the bud by telling Plum to stand up for herself. The fact that you worte CS going against his own cynicism shows that he is capable of personal growth.
i think it would be funny if the poison joke started making cinnamon swirl act like a girl.
(Joke) Alt. Title: OCSI: School Edition
I guess you got this writing thing... In the featured box... Whadda ya mean that wasn't any good?!
this kinda reminds me of case closed, with the whole detective (cop, whatever) becoming a kid and having to go back to school
Geez, I know the plant turned him into a young filly, but did it actually permanently made him younger or did it turn back the clock?
2000798 I have to point out you said she has a light caramel coat. I dunno what kinda Caramel you've been eating but it's not typically green.
I REQUIRE MORE!
This is a hell of a lot better than most of the 'popular writing' on this site, not to mention better grammar and plot. Keep it up!
"You're just too weird to be a normal filly." Wow, that one got me right between the eyes, where the laugh center is.
Vanilla and Ivy might take a hint, but something's telling me Cinnamon's going to have to kick some flank before too long. Some just don't get the message.
I'm surprised Cinnamon hasn't tried to "escape", but a "filly" alone - no matter how good a cop - isn't going to do well. There's worse than school.
2000968 No, I wanted to fling them into the dragon's volcano near Ponyville when I laid eyes on them.
Is that wrong? I think not.
2004881 You'll hear no complaints from me. I personally believe that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon should be tied up, slathered in barbecue sauce, and left in the Everfree.
Hoopy McGee your stories never cease to amaze me
A genderswap/age regression story? I know a few people on /mlp/ who will love this.
Love this story maybe even more than (why am I Pinkie pie) can't wait for more, one question does what his mother is doing count as kidnapping or being held against his/her will?
I really like this story! I hope you update soon!
I just looked at the cover art again. Wow, what a face.
Aw man, I've been waiting for this!
Uh oh, now he's got a plucky sidekick, can mystery solving be far behind?