Epilogue: Clear Skies
14th of First Seed, 401 After Empire
Writing was never something that I took a profound interest in. There are things I consider more important for a pegasus to know; how to plow a field, how to navigate stormy currents, how to handle a sword and wing blades. Above all, however, I believe that a pegasus must learn how to remember, and maybe it is through this belief that I feel the need to write.
There are many things we must remember, being the proud Cirrans that we are. We were able to save many of the books of our history from the libraries in Stratopolis, but those will only do for us so much. Somepony must write an account of what has transpired throughout the past year, and perhaps there is nopony better qualified than me. I, Commander Hurricane, rose through the ranks from lowly pegasus farmer to the emperor of a dying nation. My actions helped to shape the future for the pegasus race, how little of actions they were. Do not mistake my claims for boastfulness, for I take no pride in my position. Rather, they are the grim truth as told from the heart of a tired stallion who has done so much in such little time.
My account is long, for there was much that has transpired in the year since the beginning of my story. Perhaps it would be best if I start at the end and go back to the beginning. Yes, that will work much better.
The Cirran Empire fell on the 11th of Shivering Rains, 401 After Empire. Stratopolis was besieged by a griffon force that was many times larger than the garrison of volunteers who had stayed to defend it. I know not the number of griffons that fell, but I suppose that my fifteen thousand pegasi slayed well over forty thousand of the beasts. We made them pay for the city with a much higher price than we lost defending it, and still they did not win. For our civilians were safe, and crossed the ocean later that day to lands unknown to the griffons.
The flight took roughly twenty days for myself and my companions, for being the leader of my people, I took it upon myself to stay towards the rear and escort the young and old who could not move at as fast a pace as those in the front. Food was scarce, and many of our group succumbed to hunger before they spotted land. Only supplies of food from the fastest of our fliers who had reached the distant shores and gathered sustenance to bring back to us saved more from death.
When we landed on the shores of this new continent, my soldiers told me that our entire population numbered little more than two hundred thousand. Out of a nation of five million at the start of the war, that number weighs heavily in my heart. The griffons were indeed thorough with the slaughter of my people, and the famine they induced in their conquest killed many more. But we were safe, and perhaps there was never a higher price paid for safety than in the Red Cloud War.
We had few seeds to plant and little food left over, so we approached the other two pony tribes that inhabited the area – the Earth Ponies and the Unicorns – and we struck a deal with them. We offered them our military protection, for even with five thousand legionaries we were still far superior in the art of waging war than either of the other two tribes. In return we asked for little more than food, and both tribes happily agreed to share their supplies with us. The way the two leaders eyed each other’s throats leads me to believe that they wish for us to ally with one and destroy the other, and the best way to score allies was through offering us aid in our time of need. So we arranged for the earth ponies to give us food, while the unicorns manufacture many of the goods we need to begin building a home for ourselves. In return we offered to police their towns and utilize our natural ability to manipulate the weather to encourage the growth of earth pony crops and curtail the frigid winds that consistently blister the unicorn settlements in the mountains.
Not more than half a month after our exodus from Dioda, we are still in the process of constructing our capital city. A strong base for the city already exists, located some miles north of the other tribes. Every day, more houses are erected. The shell of the palace has already been completed, and I write this from within the barren walls of my study, home only to a table, a chair, and a bookshelf. When the city is complete, it should be able to hold a population of two million, for I foresee the rapid growth of my ponies in this new land. As we have agreed with the other two tribes to limit our settlements to the sky so as not to interfere with their borders, I have selected a name that represents the essence of our element. Before the year is out, I hope that the city of Cloudsdale will be complete in all its glory.
We held an official ceremony yesterday to honor those who died during the Red Cloud War, and we praised the Gods for having directed us to this new land of plenty. Then we set down to the mundane task of rebuilding the government. The Senate is still intact in structure, but I ordered that all senators be put up for reelection in the coming days. I was reappointed by the people in an overwhelming decision to maintain my place as leader of the pegasus nation. As a result, my first actions were to axe the title of ‘Emperor’ from our leadership position and symbolically downgrade our standing from an empire to a tribe. Two hundred-thousand does not a nation make, and I felt our current situation was that closer to the days of Roamulus and the Cirran tribe. And so Cirra has gone from tribe to empire and back again, in little more than four centuries.
My wife, Swift Spear, and my sister, Twister, have adjusted well to the new position we find ourselves in. I have appointed Swift to oversee the reconstruction of the Praetorian and to select viable candidates from the surviving legionaries and officers to be promoted into the ranks of the Guard. Under her hoof, the Legion and the Praetorian will flourish once more into the powerful force they were known to be. Twister has taken a keen interest in building relations with the other tribes, and so I have made her the first Cirran Legatus, the pegasus who shall represent me when I cannot be bothered to attend diplomatic meetings. Seeing the world was something Twister always wanted to do back in Dioda but never had the chance. Now she can see more of this world than any other pegasus before her in her travels to the lands of the different tribes.
But perhaps I have deliberated too far. The secretaries are already hard at work cataloguing the events of Cirra in this new land, and they will probably do a more thorough and clean job than I could ever hope for. Instead, let me turn my quill back towards the past. Pegasus historians many years from now will look back on the days of the Red Cloud War and attempt to draw lines where they believe they should be drawn. Unless there is some record of what actually happened, hyperbolic interpretation and sentimentalism will take the place of the truth. Therefore I must write down what has happened, so all shall know, hundreds of years from now, the death of an empire in all its grim detail. They shall hear the account from the mouth of a pegasus who lived through it and has nothing more to add, because to add or detract would dishonor those who died for Cirra. They shall hear the truth, with no detail spared, no edges smoothened, no sins forgiven.
Come, you who read this, and sit down. Gather some food, a warm mug of ale, and a candle to read by. Make yourself at home, for through these words I extend my hospitality to you from the grave. Let me tell you a tale of life and death, war and peace, and the fall of a mighty empire. You who read this, open your mind and forget that which second-hoof history has taught you. These words come from experience and life in its finest detail.
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And here we are. Just a little over three months of writing, 217 pages, and 16 chapters plus an epilogue, Of Skies is finally complete. And cannot express how happy I am to have finished it, yet how sad I am that it is over.
This story consumed much of my free time since I started writing it. I didn't want to be like some authors who update their stories only once in every few weeks. Five days was the optimal target for me, and I'm happy that I mostly succeeded in keeping with schedule. I know it made you readers happy too, that you didn't have to wait as long for the next chapters.
Looking back on the first chapters, I've come a long way. I feel like my writing skill has multiplied as I've gotten further and further, turning the five or six thousand word chapters that dominated the early half of the story into eight thousand word sections with two thirteen thousand word epics. This was a good learning experience in mastering and controlling language use, pacing, and all sort of literary nuances that are feebly understood by budding authors. No offense to any of you budding authors out there, by the way
I feel like I wrote the perfect ending to this story, the ending it deserved. Closure all around, a light of victory under a cloud of defeat, and resolution for all the characters. When I started writing this story so long ago, I wasn't sure if it would be a hit or a flop. Now, with nearly four thousand views under my belt across all chapters and a spot as one of EqD's 605 posted fictions, I feel proud to say that Of Skies has been a success. I've accomplished more than I thought possible, as much as I hoped for, but not yet what I've dreamed of. That elusive feature box will one day hold my name in it!
Some of you may have seen in some of my comments that I plan on writing a sequel to this story. I still stand by this, and there will be a sequel in the near future. I won't say much for now, but I will say that it revolves primarily around the Hearth's Warming story. Plans beyond that are sketchy at best, but are taking hold.
Feel free to discuss your thoughts and opinions of the story below. I look forward to seeing what you thought of the ending, and I hope you enjoyed it.
Have a Merry Hearth's Warming Eve, from Commander Hurricane and family.
And a Merry Hearth's Warming (Eve) to you as well.
I can also say I eagerly await a sequal to this, and the new cover art is really nice.
I couldn't ask for a better ending than this. Anything more would have felt cheap. Well done.
1851003
Such a mighty pegasus would never name his foal Pansy... not sure about Pansy's parents, though. But we will see Hurricane's child(ren) in the sequel, and they'll have important roles as well.
Oh I am so looking forward to the sequel, such a great way to end a story, and by extent an empire.
It was a beautiful story, and the change of picture that signified the picture is indeed a welcome treat to those who read since the first few updates.
And now good sir, I DEMAND A F
KING SEQUEL!
There is still so much potential for this story. Gryphons vs all 3 pony races? Hearth's warming? The birth of the Alicorn Era? You have three sequels from here already.
This has got to be my favorite fic!
I will sertanly enjoy rereading on deployment and have recommended it my brothers in arms.
Semper Fi
Ps
The sequel better be done by the time I get back!
1854172
I'm glad you liked it! Not sure how long it will take to put the sequel together, but probably about as long as this story. I still have to prewrite and everything, which I'll be getting on soon.
Stay safe on your deployment, and make the Legion proud!
One of the best fics I've read, shame you never got the featured box.
Still, it was a great ending and an overall awesome story. Definately looking forward to where the sequel takes us.
1854727
That gives me something to aim for with my next story. The feature box works off of likes and time since uploading, so I'll need a really high like-time density in the initial hours of the story being posted to climb into the feature box. If i can effectively wield my followers and favorites into doing so for me when the story is posted, then I'm sure I can make it
Also, I'm glad you liked the story. Here's to hoping that the next is even better
I would like to start off with saying that this was a very great story... sorry for the comment length (over 1300 words). I probably have several errors in this comment but spending over two hours on it seems a little absurd to me, so I’ll just post it now…
I have really learned a lot out of reading this story as I have used the writing and speech style you have as a reference point to help me better own skills. I am writing a story/fanfic of my own even though I doubt it will see the light of day. I am even tempted to reference this story in it if that’s all right with you and this last chapter gives me the PERFECT way to do it. I just hope my own writing can be as good as this one and that I can express the ideas I have in words that best suit my meaning, which this story helps with a little. One thing that deters me from continuing writing my own is that I fear no one would read it. Fortunately you prevailed through that fear and brought us this story, its helping me get through my own fear to be honest. If someone else can why not I, you know.
However that infernal word "But" comes to mind.
While I don't like criticizing good work, I find the comment button irresistible, so I implore my thoughts in the form of words so that they may be heard, a strange thing for me as I am usually quite about my opinions of stories. Please don’t take the following opinions of mine as anything derogatory or a stab in any way, I just feel like saying something.
The story itself has overall good writing to it, here's the “But”, but the numbers in the story just don't add up.
First off, the entirety of the events happened in roughly one year. Second you state that there are 15 million Pegasi in Cirra, while I don't doubt that the Gryphons desired the deaths of many pegasi for centuries of abuse and will ignore the possibility of gryphon hospitality for now, I think it is very unrealistic for nearly 15 million pegasi to die within this time period.
An example: The Vietnam War, while I hate to make this comparison, I feel that it helps me understand why I cringe at the numbers. The Vietnam War lasted from 1955 to 1975, mind you the USA didn’t intervene as heavily until the early 60’s, this gives a good 20 years, 19 years and five months to be more precise, to wage a brutal war. The heaviest war casualties estimate over 3 million Vietnamese people, civilian and combatants, died during the war, nearly another million deaths with all other nations included. Four million people at most. This war was needless to say different in the fact that it used conventional weapons instead, utilizing weapons like guns, explosives, carpet bombs, and napalm.
Now the in war Of Skies Long Forgotten some 15 million pegasi die. I find this a bit disturbing. While war can take its toll I find it strange that a conventional war can only kill 4 million at most in twenty years, while a war waged with swords and spears kills 15 million on one side in a year.
Third, even though Cirra has its doubts about the new Emperor and the new war I still think every single pegasi would rally under a single banner an fight fiercely regardless of what’s in it for them because of a common understanding of certain death. “For in death grounds we fight.” The gryphons did, why not the pegasi? What drove several of the pegasi commanders and Legions to lay down arms and let themselves and their families be slaughtered? The pegasi were driven to near extinction and it is a nagging thing I am sorry to say that I can't get over without some form of conclusion as to why those pegasi died so quickly and just simply gave up.
Fourth, I feel like this story could have had a momentous introduction to harmony. The intro, from how I read it, opened up the possibility for the two races settling their feud, less demonically and more peacefully. You added the sense of equality at the beginning, especially with the gryphon militia man that still had half his mustache shaved off with shaving cream still adorning his face and again at the end with the gryphon Hurricane spared at the beginning returning the gesture by sparing Hurricane’s life. Since Hurricane and Silver Sword both disliked the notion of killing an entire race and recognized them as equals I thought/ hoped that it would end with Hurricane taking charge after a long 20 year brutal war with both sides suffering but the gryphons still winning, and striking a deal with the gryphons.
While it still could have ended with a gruesome and epic battle that ends the Gryphon Emperor’s life but secures victory for the gryphons, I feel that it would better serve a more lasting ending if in place of, in all honesty, true defeat and utter death that a final peace treaty is struck between Hurricane and a more open minded gryphon leadership. The two races would agree to letting the Gryphons have the all the lands while the Pegasi leave in search of a new one, finding the other two equine races in the process. They search for harmony between their races and find it through two like minded individuals; Hurricane agreeing to an equal but of different race. They break a thousand years of brutal warfare and hatred in search for the peace both sides desire.Now the gryphons let the remaining, say 14 million, pegasi live and vise versa for the gryphons that get to live on. More war isn't going to end a Millennia of carnage, different strategies must be taken, even if they're not as simple as warfare. I feel that this would be a better source of conclusion than so much death, as more death only adds more hatred, and ensuing more conflict.
This story could have touch up on the concept of equality barriers and incorporate the idea of harmony a little more. While the story suits a total war story rather well I think the casualty count was too extreme, along with the lack of politics, something even more dreadful than war I suppose. It would work with several other ideas and plots but for a fanfic about ponies reaching eternal harmony, it seems a little out of place. Please don’t take this as an attack, I really like this story and appreciate the effort you put into it, it is indeed a great story and I do not intend to change the way you wish to portray it as it is your story. Lastly if you don’t mind, I may ask for some advice on writing in the near future if that is not at all a problem. I’m looking forward to the sequel I suspect less bloodshed and relatively happier endings.
A great ending to a story Long Forgotten…
Ps. Sorry I didn’t get back to you with another drawing, I might have some time to make another now that the holiday is over, assuming you still wouldn’t mind if you get some more art. However it may be a while yet since I get one finished as my own story is the main focus of my time right now.
Pss. I really like this story as it adds pure background to one of the races in MLP and no matter what becomes of this story I will still see this as what happened to the pegasi years ago.
PSSS. I would have laughed so hard if Silver Sword's last words were, “Yippee Ki-yay motherbucker!
1860668
I'm glad you liked the story, and I'm glad it has inspired you to write. I didn't think I could do it either before I tried, and look where I am now.
And yes, the numbers game is off. The difficulty in writing this story was creating a way to tie it in with the Hearth's Warming story that serves as the "official" canon for the three races. Therefore, the war between Cirra and Gryphus could not take too long, or else there wouldn't be enough time to establish relations between the Pegasi and the other two tribes. Also, there was bound to be some implausibility in trying to downscale Cirra from a continent-spanning Empire to a localized tribe that is dependent on the other tribes for survival. The differences in population between an Empire and a tribe are too vast for it to be handled any other way. So yes, although I agree that you are right and the numbers are a tad absurd, there was really not much else I could do. As for other issues in the conclusion, by the time I got to the last chapter and epilogue, the roads were already too planned to be changed at that point. For my next story, I intend to have a good prereader help me identify these issues before they become a problem. I'll get back to that point.
As for your own story, don't count yourself out before you give it a chance. As you write more you'll learn how to write better, which is why I feel there are notable differences in my style of writing between the first and last chapters. Also, if no one reads it, who cares? As long as you enjoy writing the story, keep doing it. It was hard for me in the early days when I was only averaging five or six views of the story a day. Now I average close to 100 views a day at least. The past three days have all been triple digit days for the view count. Getting it up on Equestria Daily really helps, even if you do have to struggle through some of their grammar requirements and guidelines to do so. Having a good prereader/proofreader really helps in that regard.
Lastly, you say you want to be able to reference my story in your own work. Very well, but I want to be able to see it. I'm interested on some of the side-canons that people would draw up to compare with my story. There's a lot of potential stories I've created through this one alone, and when I'm finished with the main trilogy I might go back and mine out some more before I jump to something else. This is where I come back to the prereader thing. You've obviously had the most keen eye on my story, finding most of the flaws in the plot or other key areas. Therefore I would like to extend an invitation to you to preread my next story when it comes time for it. In return, I would gladly look at whatever works you would wish to share with me before you post it.
And although Of Skies may be concluded, Commander Hurricane's story is far from over. Expect to see much more of him (and his children) in the coming year!
1861544
I would enjoy prereading one of your writings and I think it would be of considerable help if someone else helped with mine.
The reference i intend to use for your story isn't really a spin off of this one. The main character in my story simple found the original papers Hurricane wrote at some point in his life and knows the story and uses the events that transpired in it to talk an unruly and arrogant pegasus commander into acceptance of my character's point. I was originally going to quote Hurricane in a battle cry sort of way but this last chapter opens up an different avenue. However it will be a while before i make the quote as it is most likely going to be towards the end of my story, and i get the feeling mine is going to be tediously long.
1867519
A keen eye you have there
Favourited, liked, followed you, and herewith commented!
You made me register to Fimfiction just so I could comment here. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this story, I devoured it all, all 16 chapters plus epilogue, in only 2 days. Would certainly have done the impossible and read it in only one if I had had the time. But now I'm glad I split it up at least two days. Taking a break between reading helps to better savour and remember a story in all details, and makes you pay closer attention to the quality of the writing itself when continuing to read again after the break.
It was because of your writing as well (which I thought was excellent, even though I don't write myself and my expertise on literature and literary style is minimal), but I think what REALLY made me fall for your story is the historic aspect to it. Since childhood I have always been fond of and fascinated by history, sociology, socioeconomics, politics and so on and also philosophy, and in my opinion you made a great effort to bring little bits of all of these to your story in various different ways, on which I'm sorry I won't go into detail now because I'm lacking the vocabulary to express the subtle things and plot details I'm talking about. (I'm not a native english speaker.)
You fleshed out the characters really well in my opinion. I know from personal experience how hard that can be, so I can appreciate it a lot. You also had me completely immersed in the world you created - as I already said, I couldn't stop reading.
I'm sorry I can't offer helpful criticism. I'm very much looking forward to the sequel. Nice that I'll be notified via email when it's there because I follow you. I already like Fimfiction.
PS.: Now I remember one thing I did want to say:
I know Silver Night Strider has talked about the numbers issue before. My issue with it was not the fact that so many were killed in so little time, but the proportions themselves.
I realize an "empire" must obviously be a country that holds a lot of inhabitants at least in comparison to neighboring ones and you must have had your reasons why you made the numbers as big as they are. But everytime you mentioned the sheer size of the military forces, I thought to myself "damn son". Hundreds of thousands of pegasi and gryphons facing each other in battle?
The reason why those numbers were a little too much imo is because, by comparison and from the little we have seen and know, Cirra probably held a LOT more inhabitants than Equestria does or ever did. Although we haven't really seen anything of supposedly large cities such as Manehattan, Canterlot is the capitol after all and from the way it looks there can only be a few thousand ponies living there, no more. A capitol must not at all be among the largest cities of a country, but it's a good indicator. Even though we don't know how large Equestria is, I would absolutely bet that there can't be any more than a million Equestrians, tops. And what also has to be considered is that when crudely aligned to human history by technology etc., Cirra and Gryphus are somewhere in medieval times. Which means that while there were very rare exceptions to that in human history such as Persia or Rome (which then again were far ahead of their time and incomparable to backwards medieval circumstances), they shouldn't really have the means to properly run and sustain cities of millions and a population of 15 million ponies. (Unless Persia or Rome were the kind of countries you had in mind and took as inspiration?) Comparing pony to human is a little silly of course, but I couldn't help thinking it.
My conclusion to it was that even for an "empire", you should probably have downscaled all numbers you used to a tenth or at least fifth of what they ended up being. It would have made more sense in my opinion. But even though I ranted about it for paragraphs now, that's really just a minor issue I had with it, and also the only one I could make out in your whole story.
PPS.: Oh, and if you should ever need or want a german speaker to help you with the gryphon's language, I'd be glad to do it. There were a few grammatical hickups here and there.
1875593
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it
Bringing pieces of history together was one of the major things I wanted to do with this story, because looking back at the Hearth's Warming Eve episode, there really isn't much history defined for any of the tribes, leaving plenty of room for authors like me to develop and expand upon. Since Pegasi are my favorite race anyways, I wanted to do an expansion on their history and of that legendary figure, Commander Hurricane. Watching the episode I felt that there had to be some sort of imperial reason or other for the Pegasus tribe to be organized in such a militant manner from preexisting conditions. They wouldn't need to keep themselves in a powerful military form if the only other civilizations they encountered were the lowly Earth Ponies or the isolated Unicorns. Thus the Cirran Empire was born.
Another thing I wanted to do (and will continue to do on a much larger scale in the sequel) was to take a look at the discrepancies in how history is perceived in the present as opposed to as it actually happened. You saw the characterization I built up for Hurricane. In the beginning and throughout much of the story, he hardly acted like the brutish and insensitive figure portrayed in the play. Although he did harden towards the end, he still isn't as polarized as the Equestrians portray him to be. Also, Silver Sword's sacrifice serves as the perfect example of heroic tragedy. He gave his life to let Hurricane escape, and he took down the Gryphon emperor as well, yet nobody remembers him outside of the select few Equestrians who would have access to Hurricane's journals. He arguably did as much as Hurricane to save the pegasus race, but he has been tragically forgotten. Actually, the thousands and thousands that died to protect Cirra have been forgotten as well.
Which brings me to the numbers game. Yes, like Silver Night Strider said, they are a bit appalling, but again it comes down to that tricky task of balancing the beginning Cirran Empire against the final Cirran Tribe. As you guessed, I did base Cirra largely off of the Roman Empire, and by 25 BC they had over 56 million inhabitants. Granted, the majority of these were conquered people, but I came down to the assumption that an Empire should have several million inhabitants as opposed to several hundred-thousand. As for the astronomically high body count, I may go back and adjust some of the wording in the epilogue so as to make Hurricane's guesswork as to how many dead a little more unsure. The idea that the Gryphons would slaughter every last Pegasus in Cirra is a little far-fetched, but given the four centuries of conflict between them, I felt justified that a mass murder would be justified in the minds of the leaders of that abused nation. Like I said, I'll probably go back and rework some of the numbers, but at this point I can't really change a whole lot without throwing off the impact to the story.
Lastly, for now the Griffons are out of the picture, as they don't know where the Cirrans fled to. We won't be seeing much, if any of them in the sequel. However, I do have plans to (eventually) go back and write a side story that picks up moments after the downfall of Stratopolis and Magnus' death. I won't say much other than that it follows the griffons and the bloody civil war that occurs as a result of the power vacuum created with the demise of Magnus. And there will be Pegasus survivors there as well. I think it's reasonable to assume that a significant portion of the surviving Cirran population is still surviving in hostile lands, striking at Gryphus whenever they have the chance.
Thanks again for the favorite, like, follow, and support. It's the reason why writing these stories is worth it to me when I've got a busy life as it is. Until next time!
First off I found this story after work a couple nights ago and read it all in one sitting. It is outstanding and I think you did a very good job on it!
secondly,
1860668 I don't think that those numbers are bad at all. modern technology has been decreasing the amount of people killed for the most part. For example, The mongol empire is estimated to have killed at lease 30 million people in their invasion which is a pretty significant amount. And the Battle of Baghdad in the Mongol Conquest had over 2.1 million deaths which is higher that pretty much all modern battles (excluding a few battles in WWII, but most modern wars aren't as bad as older ones, because there are generally less civilian deaths, and scorched earth policy)
I absolutely loved your story! Am looking forward to the sequel!
What do I say after reading such a great fic? That it was engrossing enough for me to read all in one sitting? That it had some of the greatest combat writing that I've seen in a long time? That it was genuinely moving?
I could say all those things and more, and (despite my name) every one of them would be true. You told an incredibly original story here, and brought a lot of emotional depth to an otherwise rather untouched character. You characterizations were excellent, and your plot flawless.
I will note that I occasionally found your chronological transitions a little bit jarring-particularly following the 'coronation' segment (which I leave deliberately vague to avoid spoilers for those crazy people who read comments before they read the story).
Finally, I suppose I have to acknowledge that, as per your comment on my fic: Your Emperor Magnus is more of a badass than mine.
-Loyal Liar
1899814
Thank you! It means a lot that you enjoyed it as much as I enjoy your stories. I agree with you, some of the transitions are a little off, but those are the kinds of things healed with experience. This was actually my first story, so there were things like this that I missed when editing. I hope to cut down on those kinds of errors in the sequel, in which I'm hoping to add a little more originality into the Hearth's Warming Story.
I hope you continue to enjoy whatever other works I may put out, and I wish you the best of luck in Where Loyalties Lie. I also thank you for taking the time to click on my link rather than dismissing it as attention-seeking racket.
24
i.. i.. this is so damn GOOD too many things bouncing around in my head to put then down in words.
I've already forgotten from which author's page I found your story, but it was worth it.
Too many stories languish and die in their endings, their pacing having advanced farther than the author could manage. This one was slow to start and often predictable, but the ending was worth it. Incredibly worth it. Silver Sword's last stand is at my top ten moments in pony fic.
I'm already feeling that you interpret Hearth's Warming Eve to be an exaggeration of the actual events, so I can't wait to read the sequel.
2010497
I'm glad that you thought so. The final sequence in Stratopolis changed so many times I don't care to remember, but once I hit on the idea of 'lantern oil Molotov cocktails' I knew exactly how it was going to end. Frankly, that's the only way I would imagine Silver going out, in a blaze of glory.
You're right on about the HWE events, and I'm really enjoying what I have written so far. As fun as this story was, it's tons of fun to take a story that everybody knows and spin it on its head to add some other fun stuff while still making it recognizable. Already I feel like some of the chapters I have written are some of my best, and I look forward to hearing your opinion on them as well.
Lastly, I would encourage you to check out my comrade in type, LoyalLiar, and read his works as well if you haven't already. They're really good, and in case you missed my blog posts or comments on my stories, we're working on putting our stories into the same universe. You'll be seeing big connections between our works from now on, many of which will be instantly recognizable in "Snow and Shadows" if you've read his "Where Loyalties Lie" stories.
Thank you for your support and criticism,
24
This story...wow...just amazing. From the characters, to the setting, to the conflict and everything in between. This is going on my top favorites list and is totally my headcanon for pre-Equestrian history. Greco-Roman warrior pegasi are badass. I regret that I didn't find this story earlier, but I'm finished now, and will be following the sequel. Congratulations.
Also, this story has way less views than it deserves. I'll make sure to mention it wherever I can.
Well, I'm glad I came here.
I confess I decided to give this story a chance on LoyalLiar's recommendation. I knew of the story since a while back (from EQD) but it never sparked my interest. Mostly because I tend to shy away from fan fiction that deals only with OCs (and in this case Hurricane may as well be an OC for all we know of him from the show).
However, having read the whole piece, I have to agree with him that it's a right shame this work does not have more publicity. It's a classic fantasy epic, albeit a short one. The young nobody climbs the ranks, gains power and finally wins the throne and the lady. The fact that winning here actually meant losing with style was very good icing on the cake; enough to break the cliché, even.
Even knowing that Hurricane would make it out alive from the beginning did not detract from the experience because you managed to make me care for your characters. I rooted for them, cheered when they won and cringed when the lost; great work, that.
Over the course of the story I kept trying look into what made this story fit into the price of loyalty theme and by the end I was wondering if anything would come up. After reading Silver Sword's last words to Hurricane I have to say that it was perfect. Harsh, but perfect.
The guy could have been Loyalty if he were handed an element of harmony.
Great work here, I'm moving on to the sequel over the weekend!
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Glad to see that at least one person has hopped over, even if you're probably well onto the sequel by now. Here's hoping for more.
All in all, that was quite good. I am glad the vault blog post the other day prompted me to finally take the plunge and read this. I expect I'll be starting the sequel tomorrow.
Personally, I both do and don't find the numbers to be problematic. On one hand, despite my limited historical knowledge, I've read of a few different battles in ancient history that ended with entire cities with hundreds of thousands of inhabitants being put to the sword or taken into slavery, so I find the civilian death toll to be reasonably believable. On the other hand, the military numbers throughout the entire story felt massively inflated, though I have no historical basis for that feeling.
I think I will have to add a new section on my user page recommended stories list for the Price of Loyalty stories.
2226638 Make that two people.
Apologies for not leaving a comment sooner, its been a busy week. Anyway, you've done an excellent job on this story. I really loved the chemistry you got between Silver Sword and Hurricane. They came off as genuine friends with lots of history between them. Your world building is fantastic and you did a great job of writing what is a very bleak tale.
Honestly, I got a bit of a Watership Down vibe from this story. I saw the animation when I was very young and to this day it is one of the few things that still unsettles me to watch. For a fanfic to actually give me that same ill-feeling twenty years later is a very powerful experience. I can't commend you enough for that sir.
That said, I did have a couple things that didn't work for me: I didn't really buy the romance of Swift Spear and Hurricane. I saw it coming the second she was introduced, but I never really felt like they formed that connection, at least not "on screen" where readers could see.
And then, the big one. The mind warping thing that I still can't wrap my head around.
Chapter 1. Ponies eating bacon.
Seriously... wat?! I didn't know pegasi were fond of pork
In all seriousness though, I loved the story and I will get to Snow & Shadows soon. As soon as my arm can handle it, I will get to sketching the characters.
oh, and this story put one song in my head. One I think is very fitting:
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I'm glad that you enjoyed it for the most part. I think I've done an excellent job so far of taking what I learned in writing this story and applying it to the sequel. You may find that you like that one even more.
I will say that I can understand your qualms about the HurricanexSwift romance thing. You can see that I didn't attach the romance tag to this story; I was much more concerned about fulfilling the other three tags, as to me they were much more important than the romance. That being said, I still tried to incorporate it into the story; I just didn't really know how to do it in a good way, this again being my first major story. I'll be trying to improve on that
ifwhen I come to it again. No more words for now.(I have started reading Fire and Rain, by the way. It's very good. Shipping isn't really my thing, but you've done such a good job pulling it off that I actually enjoy it in this case. Maybe I can learn a thing or two by reading through the rest of it, eh?)
And now to address the unholy grail of canonical inconsistencies; ponies eating meat. To be fair, I did justify this at the beginning of the story by saying that pegasi can't really grow enough plants to sustain their Empire on them alone, so they supplement their diet with meat, which is readily available to them. It helps to make the earth ponies and their ability to grow amazing crops more important in the sequel. If the pegasi could sustain themselves entirely through their own agriculture, would the earth ponies really matter later?
(I'm sure this was only a joke on your part, but I still figured I should point it out and maybe clarify a thing or two.)
Just wait until you get to the part in Snow and Shadows when Hurricane goes hunting to find food in the frozen wastelands that were once Compact lands.
Once again, I'm glad you enjoyed the story and I look forward to hearing what you think of the sequel thus far. I also look forward to seeing those pictures whenever your arm can handle it. In the meantime, keep up the good work on your end as well.
24
Easily the best fic I've read to date, the story itself and the writing are both outstanding, I was hanging off of every word, well done indeed!
My only regret is that I have but one fave to give
That was the single best title-drop I have ever seen!!
My other regret is that it's 3:00 in the morning and I must wait until tomorrow to begin Snow and Shadows
Well I put reading this off way too long. I should have gotten right on this amazing story when Loyal told everyone to. An amazing story all around. I really couldn't be happier with it (unless u can kill Magnus a few more times... with more fire). Which is a surprising thing as I am almost never entirely happy with ending but I really do think you got it perfect. Well off to read the sequel now. Thank you for the great story good sir! Have a Fluttershy yay (who is best pony btw)
Manly tears for Silver
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Loyal will give you an explanation to this... in due time. From what we've discussed privately, you're looking at having to wait until Act III unfortunately.
Yes, this story was completely finished before LL and I decided to team up. We were lucky that most everything fit together so well that it was possible.
Glad that you enjoyed the story, though! I hope that you will enjoy the sequel as well and will share your positive feedback with others who may be interested!
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Best story everrrr!!!!!!! I love this book!!! Started reading last night and now I can't stop!!! Great job :)
Initially, I really liked this story. But then certain flaws creeped in, killing my enjoyment more and more, until at the end I was reading just to get it over with. I have identified four main points which made this less than fun to read for me.
Primo: sloppy characterisation. Hurricane goes from a centurion commanding only a few dozen ponies to the Emperor of a nation of millions (and a nation that is losing an enormously destructive war at that) in the blink of an eye, without any preparation or advance warning. Does this cause him massive shock and anxiety? No, he adapts quite quickly and easily - implausibly so. Also, how can he be so cheerful when his family visits him in Stratopolis? He knows that the war is still raging, he has seen its horrors up close, and he knows that he is now in command and that he's losing, badly. Of course, it could be interpreted as his being so happy to see his family again that he forgets about all his troubles for a while, but you're not really conveying that.
And then there's Legate Red Tail. At Azoeth, he's a complete monster, ready and willing to kill one of his own officers for refusing an order to murder civilians. At Nimbus, he's suddenly a lot more tolerant and reasonable, apparently even putting up with his soldiers' talking back to him. What's up with that?
Secundo, and closely related: mood whiplash. This is a very dark story, and rightly tagged as such, but it occasionally cuts away to innocent, cheerful scenes of friendship and love. Now I'm not saying that such a contrast can never work, but I don't think you're pulling it off. The final scene of chapter 13 is perhaps the most grating example: you've taken us to Verdun, Stalingrad and My Lai, but now we're in a sappy romance novel all of a sudden!
Tertio: really cheesy dialogue in some places. Twister's farewell to Hurricane in chapter 15 takes the cake:
Spelling things out so explicitly, laying it on so thick, is bad enough in narration or internal monologue, but in dialogue, it's a real killer. (Speeches are the exception, but even there it's possible to overdo it). I have to hand it to you that I only spotted this kind of dialogue perhaps three or four times in the whole story. But still, it's something to work on, I think.
Quarto: numbers and sense of scale. A big part of what makes this story so dark is the scale of it all - troop strengths and losses in the hundreds of thousands and beyond, reminding the reader of the worst battles of the two World Wars. But the more five- and six-digit numbers you throw around, the more gratuitous and the less plausible they seem. There's the physical aspect: fifty thousand warriors gathered in a square? Ninety-six thousand pegasi flying in formation? Three hundred thousand gryphons camped out in a crater? It's all very hard to visualise, and it strains suspension of disbelief. (Just think of how big that crater would have to be!)
But when it's revealed that Cirra only had a population of fifteen million at its peak, another layer of implausibility is added. Could a nation of fifteen million really raise an army of 1.1 million? Or lose a full million of its people in a single battle (Nimbus) without instantly surrendering or collapsing? Hurricane fears that his generation will be "bled dry" by the war, but it seems like by that point his generation has already been decimated. You're writing Russian-sized battles in a Dutch-sized country, and that just doesn't work.
And then there are some minor issues, such as:
- Mares in the Legion. The Legion is clearly open to both sexes, but then why are only stallions drafted? It's the kind of thing I'd expect to see fleshed out more in a worldbuilding-heavy story like this.
- Characters in a position of responsibility suddenly dropping everything and going on personal quests. This happens perhaps two or three times, most notably with Hurricane's spontaneous flight to Zephyrus, and the strange thing is that nopony seems to bat an eyelash at it.
- A few small errors in your Greifenzunge. If you're going to have snippets of a foreign language in your story, do it right, or just don't.
- The occasional "Said Bookism" (using flowery verbs for dialogue instead of 'said'). Not that I'm one of those 'never use any other verb than "said"' purists, but verbs like 'advanced' or 'interjected' are really a bit over the top.
Sorry for being so harsh. I realise I'm just a random stranger whose opinion nobody asked for. I'm not saying I can write better than you (I probably can't), and I see that there are plenty of people enjoying this story a lot (congratulations on that). But these four points are what killed it for me, and perhaps for other people too, so it might help to be aware of that.
Despite this story's flaws (there are a few, not many, however) this is one of the best stories I have read. That is, Both in this community, and in the actual world of published authors. Never has a story (MLP or otherwise) gotten me so entwined with the characters that I felt as though their pain was mine. It is ON PAR with the great many fantasy/mythological/adventure books I have read, and well above, in my humble opinion, any other story I have ever read on Fimfiction, and as a whole; the rest of the internet.
As I read through it I felt as if it would make a great published work, but, since the existence of copyright laws, it is an impossible dream. Nevertheless, I congratulate you on holding my attention throughout the whole story, keeping me guessing, keeping me up late at night, and keeping me so totally invested in the lives of these characters. I, in fact, almost wept at how great the ending was. It is a wonderful piece of backstory that I will forever hold in my Fanon.
~Technopony~
P.S: I left out any problems with the flow of the story as, most importantly, I was too engrossed in the story to see any, except in a few places, and secondly, that others have already pointed out much more than I would have ever seen in any readthroughs. Once again, congratulations on writing such a great story,
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I'm not sure if you remember, but you asked probably a month ago if anyone else had read this story, and I said it was on my 'to do list', since I've just finished it, I thought I'd reply to your original points.
One: While I understand what you're getting at, and having read the story after reading your comments and trying to keep a weather eye out for these sorts of problems, I'm not sure if I wholly agree that the characterization is sloppy. Firstly, each chapter, and sometimes even within the chapter, is separated by significant gaps of time, focusing primarily on interesting or important events. 90% of soldiering (I believe someone said) is sitting around waiting for something to happen, and as much as I'd love to read about how Hurricane polished his blades for the 9th day in a row, it's not exactly gripping story.
I do think the transition from Centurion to Emperor could have been perhaps a bit more elaborated on, but at the same time it's not as if Hurricane had the time to sit around and bemoan his position or 'adjust'; he either did it or he didn't. I don't think this is necessarily unrealistic or problematic.
Two: I'm not sure mood whiplash is really a problem, although I have to admit I wish there had been more time spent on
the sappy romance. Real life is kind of whiplashish.Three: I'm not sure what the complain or criticism is in this point; I agree some of the dialogue is cheesy in places, however, as you note it only really crops up few times-- hardly something to pin as something that's pulling you out of the story.
Four: I do agree somewhat with scale, but I'm not sure if the numbers in and of themselves are the problem. For example, you bring up the problem of fitting fifty thousand people into a single square, but a quick google search suggests that one could fit something like 100,000 people into Saint Peter's square in Vatican City. It's important not to overestimate these things.
As for military size-- a quick look at Wikipedia's article on the military of Ancient Rome suggests the ratio suggested in the story may not be wholly impossible or wrong-- one historian, for example, estimates that the military might have been around 3.75 million individuals at the Empire's height, which would have had a population of 45-100 million people. 3.75 million out of 45 million is about the same percent of the population as 1.1 out of 15.
For me, the biggest scale issue, and I direct this comment towards 24th Pegasus too, is that it feels like everything happened a little bit too quickly, given how the Cirrus Empire is built up in the earliest parts of the story.
While I realize you're not intending to write a historical fable about some sort of ponified roman empire, I think it's fair to say that there are parallels- and that's part of the problem. While images of the sacking of Rome are somewhat burned into the collective consciousness of the Western World, the roman empire took centuries to fall, and events like the sacking of Rome occurred for a number of complicated reasons-- and it's important to note that by the time Rome was being sacked in 390 AD, it hadn't been the capital of the Roman Empire for sixty years. As the balance of power (and wealth) shifted to the western half of the Empire, most of the east was left to rot.
My point is that, if there is a failing here in terms of scale, it's that your Empire falls too quickly, without the appropriate background to make its collapse plausible.
However, I really did enjoy the story, and I'm looking forward to reading the sequel.
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No. It is mine.
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Alright, I'll go through this and answer your questions for you.
This has to do with the natures of both groups. Now, I know many people who are tired of authors "demonizing" the griffons, but they're half lion, half eagle. They're predatory by nature, and that tends to lead them towards attacking and killing off opponents. This means that the pegasi were, from the dawn of their existence, fighting for their lives. I assure you, after thousands of years of fighting and hatred between the two species, some wounds are much too deep to heal.
The answer to this one is in my previous response. Predatory nature, combined with thousands of years of fighting even before Cirra was founded, kind of throws these options out the window.
In short, Friendship isn't quite so Magic thousands of years before the show as it is in it.
True, Swift has had a lot of practice with the spear. True, her father is a high-ranking general -- second in the chain of command of the entire Empire, at the time. True, she starts out on an entirely different level than Hurricane. However, in the eyes of the Legion, and especially her father, that doesn't earn her any special privileges. Just because she knows how to use the spear doesn't mean that she's trained in conventional army warfare. And just because her father's a high-ranking officer doesn't mean that she gets an easy ride through training. Instead, he pushes her through it, just like how he has pushed her training all her life.
The army is not sexist; in fact, it is quite the opposite, for the very reasons listed above. They don't care if you're male or female; you're going to learn how to live together and fight together, together, or you will all assuredly die on the field of combat.
You're getting ahead of the pacing of the story yet. If you came in expecting the alicorns, unicorns, and earth ponies to be essential parts of this tale... well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but they're simple not. Cirra is entirely separate from the others; it's an entire ocean away from the homelands of the unicorns or earth ponies. Keep in mind, however, that this predates Hearth's Warming by a good 20 years. The pegasi will meet the other races, and Celestia and Luna will become involved. As you're reading this, I'm wrapping up the second story of the Hurricane trilogy. Your tastes will be satisfied there, I can assure you.
The griffons do know about cloud technology; they simply don't care about it, however. They prefer keeping their cities on the ground and in the mountains.
Cloudsdale doesn't move in the show; whatever pegasus magic keeps that city in place in canon, applies to Stratopolis here. As for your second question, I have just one word for you: skysteel. It's already a HUGE part of the second story. When you get there, you'll see how.
I'm always happy to answer questions and explain more things for you. I just wish to remind you that there's more to the story than just this one tale. Some things will probably crop up later if they don't here.
24
2604800
). This formula works much better in the later battles than you saw here, but they do act more cohesively in future battles.
I'm going to simply sum it up here: sometimes you have to sacrifice historical accuracy for the sake of making the story interesting. If I broke the combat down into mundane formation battles, there'd be no real chance to mix up the combat and make it memorable (plus... it's easier to write
On the topic of machinery, think of it this way: What need do pegasi have for siege weapons, such as ballistae and catapults, when they can just fly over any kind of wall? Also, considered that the time period is roman-based, the technology of the time is fairly appropriate.
24
2607919
You had me goin for a while, but really, the word demonic can only be used when discussing literal qualities of one interpretation of demons?
And the "historical inaccuracies" of pegasi fighting?
You make plenty of good critiques about this fic, there's no need to be pedantic.
This story was definitely worth the read. Knowing that there was no hope of victory from the beginning of the story, I still rooted for Hurricane's success the entire way through. I haven't read a war story in quite awhile, and this one re-inspired back into the genre.
I read this story on the bus, heading to work. I hate the bus. This story made me want to stay on the bus so I could read it. I'm looking forward to reading your next one!
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You don't know how much this pleases me to actually have the Latin translated properly.
Google Translate works in a pinch when you don't have anyone who actually knows the language around, but people who speak it are so much more invaluable.
Now I just have to go through every instance where I used the phrase and update it...
Glad to hear that it seems like you're enjoying the story as well!
24
Hi,
I just wanted to post to say how much I enjoyed reading this. I loved watching your writing improve as the story progressed, and it was a good story. *Insert tear for Silver Sword*. I’m right now on chapter 10 of Snow and Shadows, I’m having a blast reading it and am anxious to see what you do next. Keep up the good work, it is appreciated and enjoyable to read. Do you think you will ever expound upon Thunder Gale’s story line, like a prequel, cause that would be cool?
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Glad to see that you enjoy it! I hope you continue to enjoy Snow and Shadows, and to everyone, sorry for taking three weeks to get the next chapter out
As for prequels, one is already sketched out. It won't follow Thunder Gale, but some time MUCH earlier.
Thanks for reading!
24
Loyal has advertised this a few times but I finally got of my arse and gave this a look and I do not regret it.
Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece of fiction, I go to read the sequel?
Wow. This was involved, my friend.
There's a lot here that you did that I think was great, number one being the amount of time spent on the history of the pegasi and their empire. It just felt involved and I was really happy to see that. The fights were pretty awesome too! (Silver Sword went out like a BAMF, or BAMB in this case?
He was my favorite character, by the way. 
)
Only things that I had problems with really was how events just kinda sped by in the story, like Hurricanes original promotion. Granted, if you did decide to elaborate, this story would probably be double it's size, so I really won't hold it against you. There's also the fact that Pansy came into the story so late, since I kinda think that he would get at least some more mention than at the end considering he is one of the six involved with the Hearts Warming story and all.
But honestly, that was a really well done story and I can't wait to read the sequel!
You know how to tell if a story is good? When you can read it again weeks, months, or even years later, and it still is as fresh and enjoyable as the day you first read it.
You have done that here. And for that, I thank you and congratulate you.
-C.Storm
3114165 gah. i posted that moths ago and im still hearing echos of it. i didnt mean much by those comments, and im sorry to anyone i offended. especially the author (if indeed he is offended). i am ashamed to admit that those two comments were not meant to give the author advice, to be pieces of good, constructive criticism, or to be helpful in any way to anyone reading this story or any other. they were base, reactionary comments posted for the sole purpose of venting my frustrations at the use of the word in an unwarranted sense. but maybe i was to blame. to me, the word "demon" is reserved for the very greatest and most terrible denizens of our little corner of creation and existence. i have this dark and preconceived notion simply on account of the fiction that i have read in my life and the thrill of awe and recognition of power i experienced upon reading about "true" demons and simply because as a reader i was able to recognize just how great the potential for true evil demons had in the world of fiction. i found the concept of demons to be fascinating in my younger years, and when i read about creatures, characters, or other things being portrayed as "demonic" by an author when they approach nothing even approximating my notion and my definition of the word, i immediately become annoyed and impatient with said author. its a pet peeve. an unjustified pet peeve, maybe, but a pet peeve nonetheless. i realize--now--my folly in biting off this guy's head simply because i was annoyed, because i had no right to be annoyed in the first place. the word "demon" has different meanings for different people and just because my definition is more targeted, specific, and firmly rooted in past reading experience than someone elses doesnt give me the right to rag on someone elses definition, as if my definition is better or my definition trumps theirs. im sorry.
i hope this apology mollifies the general reading community so that i can stop hearing from it.
now, to the rest of your comment. no, i will not lighten up on his writing style--or anyone elses, for that matter. i expect that anything not specifically labeled as comedy is to be taken as a serious piece of writing by the author. whether or not his readers take it seriously. authors put a lot of time and effort into their writing, and more authors deserve more readers who will take their stories as seriously as they do when they wrote them. when i want to lighten up, ill go find a comedy like "building walls, burning bridges".
as to my reason for reading, im sorry to say that i havent been doing much reading of this guy at all lately. my mother and father have seen fit to get rid of my laptop for some reason. where it went, i dont know. maybe they put it on craigslist or something. but i have been reduced to downloading my read later list onto a flash drive and reading it alone, without any contact with this glorious miasma of culture and flatulence we like to call "the internet", cut off from the whole social element of fimfiction. (to anyone thinking of doing anything like this, dont. reading alone--especially if you are compelled to post reviews on the stories you read--is no fun.) im typing this from someone elses laptop right now. ive no idea when ill get another chance like this, and no, i dont have the balls to go pony at the public library. so the author probably wont be hearing from me on any more of his stories or chapters any time soon. to those concerned or unconcerned, take this for good or for ill. i dont care either way.
i apologize to the poor sap who raised perfectly reasonable and logical issue with my previous words in a short, succinct, and perfunctory manner and got comment-bombed with a ton of unnecessary words in response. i just had to let all of this out. i hope he forgives me.