Old ass user, probably never finishing my stories cause they suck. If i like something of yours it's probably pretty damned good.
The worst kind of pain is the pain that nopony else can know about. Shining Armour knows this better than most.
A/N: Takes place several years before the events of FiM, during Shining and Twilight's childhood.
Thanks to Fluttersky15 and Zephyrius for prereading!
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Yes... Good... Good...
1392560 Oh God, it's a temporal loop, ain't it?
About 2,000 words for an introduction is pretty good. In fact, I would like to know why Shining misses his brother so much; which means you got a great story here. Keep it up.
1393573 well actually, this isn't an intro. It's complete. If you're wondering why Shining misses his brother, either I've failed as a writer or you've failed as a reader. You've also probably not had a sibling.
1393636
First of all, I do have siblings, and I would only cry if one died prematurely.
Second of all...
MOAR! I MUST HAVE MOAR!
(i.e. Complete backstory, flash back, maybe go Citizen Kane on it and have Twilight ask around and miraculously give every pony their memory back of Shining's bro.)
1393654 You have some good ideas, but I'm not looking to start another serial right now. Two is enough for me
These one shots are just things that I write for kicks, based on songs. They're not super serious projects.
1393654
Actually, there's a good reason Sky wanted to "go away." He was dangerous, and there was nothing he could do about it.
But, what IF Twilight one day, after she's grown up, decides to try bringing back those memories? It takes her a year to develop a spell that can thwart the Remembergone spell, she casts it, suddenly everypony remembers him. She thinks she done good.
But then, ponies start vandalizing her property. Breaking into her library. She gets thrown out of several Canterlot establishments. The same thing happens to her parents. Cadence and Shining Armor's marriage gets put through the ringer, their relationship straining because of this little secret Shining Armor's been holding out on her. Suddenly, a few of Twilight's friends want nothing to do with her.
As it turns out, what Armor forgot to mention all those years ago is that the dragon he conjured went and destroyed a lot of property and killed a lot of ponies. So now that everypony remembers that Twilight's family is related to Red Sky, and that everypony is pissed because of the Remembergone spell messing with their memories, they treat em like shit.
So finally, Twilight comes to the decision to re-cast the Remembergone spell. And just so nopony uses the Rememberback spell she created, she burns all the documentation she'd made of it.
But what happens is, she accidentally erases everypony's memory of herself as well as the memories of her brother, to the point where not even Princess Celestia knows who she is. And now she's back to square one, trying to reconstruct the Rememberback spell so that everypony could remember her again. She moves to a cave outside Canterlot in order to work on it, being forced to steal the materials she needs, not to mention food and blankets.
One day, she meets a homeless guy. Blueish coat. Red and orange mane. They start chumming it up over the next few weeks, to the point where Twilight tells him about how she's trying to make this Rememberback spell. He says he actually used to be pretty darned talented with magic.
So the homeless guy agrees to help her out, and within only a few days, they finally have concocted the Rememberback spell. Twilight casts it so that the world can remember her again.
As Twilight leaves the cave, thanking the homeless guy, she looks behind herself to see he has disappeared. She looks inside the cave, but it is empty. She wonders where he went, regretting that she never even got his name. Atop a nearby cliff, watching over her, is the homeless guy.
And our story ends with Twilight going back to Canterlot while the homeless guy closes his eyes and says that there are still some things that are not worth remembering.
1395765 Mother of God... Excuse me while I try to reattach my jaw to my skull.
Honestly though, did that just come out of your head immediately after reading this? You've a rare gift for storytelling, it seems. I'm now going to go read all your work.
1396073
I dunno. I just run my mind until the gears click.
I'm thankful you at least think I'm an awesome storyteller. Maybe you and I oughta try writing that story sometime, though.
1396098 Lucky sod. Honestly, if you like you can just take this premise and run with it on your own. I know that probably wouldn't feel right to you, but you could just do a rewrite of this story and then add on to it, I'd be fine with it.
Uh, did I do something?
1398614 I don't know. Can you be a little more specific?
I mean, did I start something? Like a story, maybe?
1398895 Potentially.
Hey ho, here's your TWE-approved readthrough.
First, the easy stuff.:
The word you're looking for there is "a prodigy". A prodigal is one who runs away, usually from a system of belief or familial unit. Granted, he did that, but no one could have seen that coming at the time. Plus, that word wouldn't describe Twilight at all.
There's a few places through the story where you leave massive gaps in the formatting. I dunno why, but they need to go.
Okay, time to nitpick. First off, while I don't really see your view/rating combo as a sign of a bad story, if it's lower than normal, there's a few things I can point at, some of which I bet the EqD guys noticed as well, even if they didn't point them out as such.
First off, the whole story really is a huge infodump. The problem with this is that you didn't write it in a flowing or interesting enough way to make it valid as a third-party storyteller's tale. It's especially egregious because you're having the character who saw it all happen telling it, and it would be so much better if we could see it.
Second, you've written an OC who is powerful enough to mess with the mind of the nigh-omnipotent ruler of Equestria, and you haven't given us anything to know him by, essentially. Aside from a flippant handwave about being related to Twilight and Shining, there's nothing to justify his monstrous power, and that's pretty much the textbook of a villain-variant Marty Stu. The fact that the story is so short makes it less blatant, but really, all you did was have another character describe him instead of doing it yourself as the narrator.
Last, and what I think is really the biggest point, there's just too many moments that seem OOC for both characters, in the dialogue especially.
- Shining's line about "damn near creating a second sun" just sticks out as unlike him. Not really that he wouldn't swear (though I'd bet he wouldn't in front of Twily), but it's just too vague and slang-y. Not to mention, why would Shining go through all this if he KNOWS what's going to happen after it's done? In reality, he's just torturing himself, and it just doesn't seem logical or sane.
- Twilight swings back and forth between a filly and an experienced magic user in her dialogue and actions.
How would she have known this? It's an awfully grown-up way of thinking to begin with, but she hasn't even gone away to study under the Princess yet, so really, she knows nothing about her, outside of maybe reputation and hearsay.
Same problem here. Why would she have heard about anything like that to begin with? Why would she be afraid of the idea? Why would she ask that question like that? Those are the sort of reactions we would expect from canon!Twilight, not a filly of around 10 years old.
So, to sum up, the story is well written, technically, but I think the problem lies in the fact that you've just broken the audience's willing suspension of disbelief. When a reader notices things like this, even little things, it breaks the illusion a story is supposed to craft. Sort of like if you watched Lord of the Rings and noticed that Aragorn was wearing a digital watch the whole time. Even if the rest of the story is really good, the foibles and errors will prey on the audience's attention, and the closer you get to perfection (or the shorter the work is), the more the flaws stick out (known as the Uncanny Valley effect).
If you were going to retool this story, I would either have an unrelated character tell the story, like a campfire storyteller, or you need to make it MUCH more first-person oriented to avoid the infodumping.
Hope this helps! Good luck to you!
-OtterMatt: TWE's Resident Master of Music
djotter.blossers.net/TWE%20Badge.png
1567509 Wow. There is a lot of stuff in there that I hadn't really thought of before. I... Well, originally, the point of this story was just to be a sad story about Shining and his self-destructive habits. But it seems I let the flashback ramble on for far too long, and it takes up the bulk of the story now.
I... I don't know if this is even salvageable as a serious story. The continuity errors seem very glaring now that you've pointed them out. Ah. Nevertheless, thank you very much for the review.
1568268
Believe me, I know that feel. I wrote a story that turned out god-awful because I had let too much of my own personal prejudices color the actions of the characters, to the point where they didn't even resemble themselves.
That was a few months ago, and now I'm taking another crack at it, so don't throw your idea out! Keep it handy, and I bet you'll be able to approach it from another perspective in time.
And if you ever wanted to talk about the storycraft, I've got a few ideas that might help you bring across your original vision. Just PM me anytime.
1568406 I'm just gonna make a point of avoiding altering canon characters. The best I can hope to do is write them accurate to the show.