• Published 12th Oct 2012
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Tooth and Nail - totallynotabrony



Celestia swaps places with a woman. Also, nuclear war.

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Chapter 4

"... and so the brassiere is designed to restrict the movement of these chest appendages on females. Why is this necessary?" Celestia sat cross-legged on the bed, looking expectantly at Josh. His mouth opened and he struggled for several seconds to find something to say.

“Uh...hormones.” He shook his head. “Just put it on, okay? You’ll draw attention from everyone, myself included, if you don’t.”

Celestia got the message, although it was somewhat amusing to see Josh uncomfortable over something that seemed so trivial. She figured out how to wear the bra and associated panties. Josh passed her a shirt and denim trousers.

Once she was dressed, Josh said, “Okay, let’s start over. I want to make sure I understand everything you’re telling me. You aren’t Alice, you’re…”

“Princess Celestia of Equestria, leader of the ponies.”

He sighed. “You’re here because…”

“Discord, the Spirit of Disharmony, escaped from his prison and expelled me from my own planet.”

“You look like my girlfriend Alice…”

“For some reason Discord seems to want me to somehow fit in with human society. I assume this is part of his plan to force me to experience chaos. Discord apparently enjoys spreading havoc across multiple worlds.”

Josh shook his head. “This is insane.”

The last thing Celestia needed would be for Josh to think he might be going crazy. She tried to get him to open up a little. “I would like to know more about you.”

“Josh Tanner, Lieutenant, USN. I come from Elko, Nevada, United States of America.” He rolled his eyes. “Planet Earth.”

Josh had already explained the concept of states when she had asked about Hawaii being the fiftieth. Celestia asked, “Where is Nevada? How did you get to this island?”

“It’s on the mainland. You and—I mean, Alice and I sailed here.”

“How far is it?” asked Celestia, keeping the conversation going.

“From one shore to the other is about twenty-five hundred miles, about a tenth of the way around the planet.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “I’m afraid that miles don’t mean anything to me, but if the size of this world is similar to mine then that must have been quite a trip.”

Josh shrugged. “It took just a couple of days. The carrier is pretty fast.”

“Carrier?”

He sighed. “That’s going to take a lot of explanation. Once I explain that it’s short for aircraft carrier, you’re going to want to know about aircraft, which might require me to explain heavier than air flight, and it’ll probably devolve into a give-a-mouse-a-cookie scenario. I really think it would be easier to just show you.”

Celestia wanted to ask about the aforementioned scenario, but got the feeling that Josh might not respond well. He put on a shirt and some loose footwear held on by straps, pointing to another pair that seemed sized to fit Alice’s feet. After picking up a small card, he escorted her out into the hallway and down to the end where there was a window.

A large grey shape could be seen anchored in a harbor that the window faced. Celestia would have thought that it was a building based on its size and shape, but buildings typically did not float.

“That’s an aircraft carrier,” said Josh. “Specifically, USS Ronald Reagan, named for a former President of the United States. It’s here in Hawaii for a week before setting sail for the western Pacific. While we had time, Alice and I got a hotel room together.”

Celestia smiled. "Somehow I get the impression this is not quite conventional. Is that allowed, considering you’re... coworkers?”

“It’s…not encouraged,” admitted Josh.

Celestia thought for a moment. She didn’t like the idea of being stuck here, but it was best to be prepared. “What will happen if Alice isn’t back before you have to leave?”

“You have her ID,” said Josh. “The military police will coming looking for you.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Then I’ve convinced you that I’m not actually her.”

“No you haven’t! Magic tricks are hard to swallow, but you’re telling me that you used to be a pony princess from another dimension? Alice…Celestia, I don’t know what to think anymore.”

Celestia tried to think of a way to calm him down. The uncomfortable silence was broken by Josh’s stomach growling. He glared at his midsection for a moment, took a few deep breaths and appeared to suddenly change his mind. He looked up at Celestia. “Are you hungry?”

Celestia breathed a sigh of relief, and noted yet another interesting similarity between the males of their respective species.

He turned away. “Come on. I need to shave and get my wallet.”

At the entrance to the room, Celestia watched him slide the card she’d seen earlier through a slot in the door. A green light flashed and the door unlocked.

“What is that?” she asked.

“An electronic lock.” Seeing her confused expression Josh asked, “You know, electricity?”

“I’m familiar with it,” said Celestia. “However, it’s not in common use in Equestria.”

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” said Josh, sounding as if he was quoting something.

“How do humans use electricity?”

“Well, for practically almost everything that needs powering.” Josh gestured at the bedside lamp, which appeared to be tethered to a port in the wall by a cord.

Josh grabbed his wallet and went into the bathroom, closing the door. A high-pitched buzzing noise began. Celestia had never heard shaving like that, but perhaps humans had a special method. As she waited, she examined the outlet on the wall. It was not large enough to stick her finger in, but perhaps a fingernail.

The buzzing stopped and Josh opened the door just as Celestia was about to touch the plug. He had already finished shaving. “Come on. Let’s go downstairs for breakfast.”

They boarded an elevator and descended. The doors opened to reveal an ornate foyer. Celestia was surprised by a familiar smell: the sea. Looking around the ground floor of the hotel, she realized that the view from Josh’s room was not one of the better ones. The hotel was located right on the oceanfront, but she hadn’t realized it until then.

A restaurant called Rainbow Lanai was attached to the hotel. A sign advertised a breakfast buffet. Celestia was familiar with the concept, but not with some of the food.

Seeing her confusion, Josh began loading her plate with various things. Celestia asked, “How do you know what I will like?”

He shrugged. “You’ve got Alice’s taste buds, right?”

At a table, Celestia examined the food in front of her. She recognized eggs, although ponies typically did not eat them without being mixed into baked goods. She was happy to see an abundance of fruit. A few oily strips of something that was a dull red color baffled her. She was hungry, however, so she started in.

Everything was wonderful. Josh named each dish as she asked about them. While Celestia had already guessed that humans were omnivores, she couldn’t afford to be picky. She doubted that people would eat anything sapient, and didn’t want to know exactly what everything was. If she was going to find a way to get home, she would need all the energy she could get. Especially from bacon. The greasy stuff probably had lots of calories.

Shortly after thinking about energy conservation, Celestia took a sip of orange juice, idly hoping that it might be colder. She had no sooner thought it than it happened.

She put the glass down, touching it with the back of her hand. Yes, the temperature had definitely dropped. Warmth was energy, right? Had she somehow drawn it out of the juice? Josh had gone to get more food, and she touched his coffee cup. This time, Celestia actually felt the trickle of energy being pulled from the beverage. It wasn’t a large amount, but the realization that she could draw power from the environment was a huge breakthrough.

When Josh came back, he sputtered in surprise after sipping his cold coffee. Celestia managed to keep a straight face. He put the cup down and pushed it away. “We need to talk about what what will happen next.”

Celestia nodded. “Let’s do that. I want us both to understand what’s going on.”

“The ship leaves at the end of the week. We need to get Alice back before then.”

So, he finally believed her. “I want that as much as you do, but I don’t know if that’s possible,” Celestia told him.

“Could you...pretend to be her? Please?”

She ran her fingers through the different colors in her hair. “It might be difficult.”

“There’s a hair salon attached to the hotel,” said Josh. “You need to get it cut, and all of it dyed.”

“All of it?” Celestia frowned. “I thought the purpose of underwear was to keep people from seeing that part of me.”

"Arg!" Josh covered his face in exasperation. “Yes, all of it. I’m trying not to take chances here.”

Celestia was silent for a moment. “All right then. What do I need to know about being your girlfriend?”

Josh sighed. "This is going to take a while."


“Alice...”

“Who wants to know?” The woman looked around, seeing only blackness.

“Ah, that’s not important right now. What you need to know is that you’ve been selected to be the new Princess of Equestria! Congratulations!”

To a fanfare of unseen brass horns, the darkness pulled away, and Alice found herself standing on a hill overlooking a rustic town. A very strange creature that appeared to be put together from multiple animals’ parts stood beside her wearing a huge grin. “Hi, nice to meet you.”

Alice took a step to the side in surprise, tripping over an extra pair of legs she didn’t know she had.

The patchwork creature chuckled and stood her up. “Sorry about that, forgot to tell you about your transformation. It's all part of the process. How could you be the Princess of the ponies if you're not pony yourself, right?”
“I'm a pony?” Alice looked down at her hooves and then over her shoulder, spotting a tail of a familiar blonde color and an unexpected pair of wings. "A pony with wings," she corrected, “some kind of pegasus?”

Laughing, the unusual being tweaked something on her head. “Nope, you’re the Princess of the ponies, like a pegasus and a unicorn. Bit heavy on the accessories if you ask me, but it comes with the job.”

Alice shrugged. It was shaping up to be a weird dream, but she saw no harm in going along with it. The two of them walked towards the town.

“There is a bit of a problem with your name though. Alice is, we'll, just Alice. Princesses need something more dramatic. I've got it! How about you call yourself Princess Drocsidia? Drocsidia! It just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? Oh, and make sure you tell them that you’re the new leader of Equestria.” Alice’s mysterious helper began to disappear, leaving only his crooked smile. She thought the reference to Alice in Wonderland was a little overplayed.

“What’s your name?” she asked again.

The smile widened before winking out. “Discord!”

Alice advanced into town apprehensively. Getting used to four legs was not as difficult as she expected. Her childhood crawling instincts were sort of applicable. Several residents of the town were about. They seemed fearful of something. Alice put on a confident smile.

“Hello everyone! I’m Princess Drocsidia, and I’m your new leader.” She looked around. The ponies did not return her enthusiasm.

“Princess?” asked one.

“That’s me,” she replied. “What do I do around here?”

The crowd of ponies traded glances. One of them called, “Make the sun and moon work.”

“Hold court in Canterlot,” added another.

“Ride around in a chariot,” suggested a third.

Alice shook her head. “Discord said—”

“Well, there’s your problem,” a pony broke in. “Who are you, anyway? Where’s your cutie mark?”

“My what?”

"Where are you from?"

"Uh, the United States?" said Alice, rather lamely.

A group of townsponies began to close in around her.

“Probably one of those weird things Discord created.”

“Poor mare doesn’t even know she’s talking crazy.”

“She looks like a bad copy of Celestia.”

Confidence suddenly gone, Alice began backing away. She slowly picked up speed as they kept moving towards her, eventually breaking into a run.

Alice heard a familiar chuckle as she galloped out of town but did not see Discord. She shouted, but he didn’t answer. Realization began to settle over her. This was no dream. It was a nightmare, but not the kind she could wake up from.

Hours later, Alice had tired of running and found a place to lie beside the road. While she wasn’t crying, it was only sheer force of will that held the tears back.

The sound of hooves made her raise her head. A unicorn colored various shades of blue came along, stopping to stare at her with concern. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m tired, hungry, and lost,” grumbled Alice.

“Well, I can tell you where you are, and did you know that you’re lying in grass?” The voice sounded female.

Alice blinked. Eating grass hadn’t occurred to her human mind. Sensing her hesitation for something else, the mare laughed. “Yeah, I know, it’s just not the same as hay fries. Still, getting it the natural way is good for your teeth.”

A mark on the unicorn’s hip that looked like a toothbrush drew Alice’s eyes. She asked, “So you know something about teeth?”

“Sure. I’m Doctor Colgate, the dentist in Ponyville.”

“Alice Scrivello, United States Navy Dental Corps.”

Colgate raised a hoof, and Alice touched her own to it, kind of like doing a brofist. The blue mare said, “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you looking for a job?”

Alice thought for half a second. “Yes.”


The alarm clock rang, jolting Alice out of her slumber. She untangled herself from her blanket and shut it off. She’d slept on the floor, still saving money for a bed. It was not great sleep, although probably better than if she was still a human and trying to sleep on the rough boards.

Alice sat up and yawned, stretching her long legs and wings. Navy Officer Development School didn’t cover what to do when you were turned into some kind of magical pony. Through her own resourcefulness and the kindness of the local dentist, Alice had managed to scrape together some kind of existence.

The question of how she was going to get home was still at the forefront of her mind. Unfortunately, Colgate did not seem to know much about such things, and Alice didn’t want to push the issue too much. Getting shunned by the town again, this time for claiming to be from another world, was not something she wanted to happen. Figuring out what had happened to her was neither fast nor easy.

Alice checked her short blonde mane in a small mirror. As a woman, she’d typically worn blue contact lenses over her brown eyes, but those did not exist here. She hadn’t used many other cosmetic products, and did not miss them.

She was still getting the hang of magic. Picking up her smock and putting it on still took effort. The covering was the standard uniform at the dental clinic. It was the largest size available, and only barely fit. For some reason, Discord had turned her into the largest pony she had yet seen.

The cloth also served to cover her hip, which was blank. All mature ponies had cutie marks, and Alice had learned from her very first visit to Ponyville that she was conspicuous by not having one. Her wings were also concealed, which helped her blend in. She had seen pegasi and unicorns, but no other ponies with both.

She went out the door. The house—really more like a shack—stood away from town in a thicket of trees that had grown up around it. The building was very old and looked it. That was why the rent was so cheap.

Alice walked into town. She still drew a few looks, probably due to her size, but none of the residents of Ponyville seemed to recognize her as the misguided pony who thought she was Princess.

The local bakery, Sugarcube Corner, was unusually quiet as Alice passed by. She didn’t see Pinkie Pie there, and figured that was why. Mr. and Mrs. Cake, the owners, were having a conversation as they prepared their wares. Alice caught the words, “Princess Celestia.”

Celestia had disappeared without a trace at about the same time Alice had appeared. Perhaps that was who Discord had been trying to replace. He hadn’t tried very hard. The thought had occurred to Alice that maybe she’d traded places with Celestia. That would be terrible for both worlds.

Alice quashed her thoughts about home. She wanted to get back there to be sure, but she couldn’t afford to be emotional about it and make a scene. She did allow herself a few memories of Josh, however. What was he doing without her?

She pushed open the door of the office. Colgate smiled and said hello, giving the daily checkup list to her. Alice put on a facemask for sterile protection and went into the exam room to see her first patient of the day. A small filly with a pink bow in her mane waited nervously. Alice remembered her name from the chart. “Hello Apple Bloom, how are you today?”

“Ah’m okay, Ms. Alice,” said the filly, spotting her nametag. She had a bit of a country accent. It was remarkable how similar it was to something Alice could hear on Earth.

“Let’s have a look. Open up, please.” Alice picked up the mouth mirror. Her control over small instruments seemed to have developed nicely, otherwise it would have made her job impossible. “Well, I don’t see any cavities.”

Apple Bloom smiled as the tool came out of her mouth. “My sister says an apple a day keeps the doctor away!”

“Your sister?”

“Yep, Applejack. She went to Canterlot today. Princess Celestia might be back!”

Alice paused in surprise. She resolved right then to visit Canterlot and finally figure out what had caused her to wind up as a magical pony. She prayed more fervently than she ever had in her human life.

And please, God, no white rabbits, doormice, or mad hatters.