Benny Goodmane, a pony with the gift of music, attempts to create a new style of music: Jazz. After being laughed out of Canterlot as a failure, he travels to Ponyville in search of success.
If anypony knows who this story is based off of, you get a gold star.
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Question: is this going to be historically accurate? Because if I recall correctly Goodman(e) didn't dive into classical settings until he was firmly established as a jazz musician.
With some more detail and character development this could turn into something really interesting.
(as in "Finally! A pony story featuring one of the most iconic jazz musicians of the swing era as well as a clarinet player!")
Disregard the ratings. Trolls will be trolls.
94238 I'm not gonna make it 100% historically accurate, but if I see an opportunity to do so, I will. I think I write better when I let the story mature on its own instead of having to stick to the guidelines of history. God that sounded cheesy
Once again looking forward to more.
Just a few things:
>>>"With that out of the way," said Benny,” the only thing I have to worry about is what I'm gonna do with all the extra copies of my music."
after Benny move the " and I believe capitalize "The"
>>>He was going to–––. He ran to–––. He disregarded their shouts–––. He raced into–––. He searched for–––. He marked it–––.
yeah. You seem to fall into that habit. Ideally a good way to break up this stream would be to get more descriptive with surroundings. What does his house/apartment look like? Does it reflect the fact that he is a starving musician? What do the streets look like (is it modern Canterlot or more 1920s-esque?)
More introspection into Benny's character, more description of movement and places, more show and don't tell...
Looking forward to more...
95167 WOW. That is actually really good advice. All the quotation/capitalization errors are my bad, but I'll be sure to try and do the show don't tell thing in the upcoming chapters.
Pinkie has a party cannon, Gene has a drumstick cannon. Do all the ponies in this town have a cannon?! It's just not safe...
I think you should look at the last sentence of this chapter...
There are some punctuation errors as well, but those are obviously easily correctable.
I haven't read chapter five yet, but I feel as though judging from how you have the chapter split into two parts that you could probably just merge this with the next chapter. There isn't much development besides Goodmane meeting Twilight. Theoretically this isn't a bad thing, but it leads him back to where the start of the chapter left off (and thus nothing monumental happened).
Also, I feel somewhat disconnected from Goodmane's emotions. They appear to be authentic, but I think you could do more to really shape his characterization. He feels somewhat like the standard, run-of-the-mill character that reacts in predictable manners to various situations. We still don't know much about his music he feels so passionately for (well unless the reader is familiar with swing).
On a plus side, you utilize a nice variety of vocabulary. Sometimes the placement is a little awkward ("He was incredulous" seems thrown in there for the sake of adding more vocabulary).
I'll read the next chapter as well as review the previous ones either tomorrow or some other day. Keep up the good work!
114399 I'm a tad bit confused by when you say "shape his characterization". If you could expound upon that, I will certainly try to do more of it in the upcoming chapters.
Also, I pride myself on my vocabulary. Thanks for noticing
Huh
Never knew you went through with this
129421 Surprise! .... I get the sense that this is no time for a pinkie party...
114399 also, fixed the last sentence in part one. Thanks for spotting that for me.
This is actually, although written in a clearly "embryonic" sort of way... a nice story and character "core" that you really should make into a full-fledged serious fic.