Once upon a time there was a doubter and a rationalist. There was no one at work more ruthless than him. He had no friends, he really wanted to be strong and independent, but suddenly he was hit by a train. How can he survive in a new world unknown to him, and also in the body of a mare hated by everyone?
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ok i will give you chance but we need a new chapter pronto
What. The. Hell, Celestia!!!!!!?????
You realized that "Daybreaker" is a filly, right?
The Mane Six would be horrified at YOU ( Celestia ) for indiscriminately attacking a filly, regardless if she coincidentally looks like "Daybreaker".
And this would give you a bad light to Luna as well, since she has recently been freed from Nightmare Moon.
Would you STILL ATTACK Luna IF she's still "looks" like Nightmare Moon ( But also in filly form as well, cause of another "divine prank". ), regardless of the Elements "purifying" her, but not fully?
Ok interesting start but please, put thoughts in Italics. It was super confusing thinking that your MC was talking out loud when they were in fact thinking to themself.
12020486
It's been so long, they forgot the difference.
hmm...there is sum daybreaker stories but not a lot of humans turning into her. Hopefully more chapters will be out.
12020537
Well like I could understand not using it when still in space but when the MC was literally unable to breathe/talk it should have switched for clarity.
Ok you have me interested. Also I love this story!! Better than any story I can make.
Some edits to distinguish between spoken and internal dialog is needed. But other then that, so far, so good. Can't wait for the next chapter!
This chapter feels a bit rushed. Both in the sense that the pacing is kind of inconsistent, and that Fluttershy's internal narration doesn't seem well thought out. Even for her, leaving Daybreaker in the hooves of the mare who just tried to kill her unprovoked seems ridiculously naive, especially as Celestia didn't even explain her actions.
Honestly, I'm half expecting the protagonist to wake up in a torture chamber or something.
12020693
Thanks a lot for the feedback! I agree, this chapter looks a bit crumpled, because I wanted to write an experiment chapter. And with regard to Fluttershy, such naivety is due to the nature of the pony, well, and the world, partly because I tried to build on the original concept of the cartoon. However, do not worry, the narrative will gain more serious momentum in the future
Nice start!
I think my biggest problem so far is that you don't need to separate every thought a character has. You can put them into a single paragraph.
This is how I would have grouped these lines for instance. It makes it a bit easier to read.
They should be very disgusted at Celestia for saying this crap!!
Especially not only has "Daybreaker" HASN'T done anything bad or evil as of yet. But she does LOOK like a filly/child.
IF Celestia is WILLING to kill/execute a filly/kid verison of Daybreaker. Or somepony else like Nightmare Moon returning.
Then there is clearly something f**king wrong with her, that NEEDS to be addressed by Luna and/or Twilight and her Friends that are representing the elements of friendship/harmony!!!!!
12020729
Thank you for such a glowing review! I can assure you that Celestia's behavior in this situation is by no means groundless. There is a long history of relationships behind her words, which will later figure in the further narrative
12020699
It seems paradoxical to have everypony trust Celestia's word after her unprovoked attack "because ponies are like that," but then have Celestia, who is a pony herself, launch the attack in the first place.
Either ponies are inherently innocent and Celestia just defied that innocence openly, or ponies are no more or less innocent than any other creature and everypony just knowingly left an attempted murderer alone with her victim because she said she'd let Daybreaker live and take her home to recover.
If I saw someone sucker punch a stranger who was having trouble even standing up, the very first thing I'd do is separate them, and the very last thing I'd do is trust anything the aggressor said about the victim.
Seems like Truck-kun also reincarnated into Train-kun
12020752
Thank you very much for such a review! However, there was a misunderstanding. In the first chapter, Celestia did not attack Daybreaker, the fact is that Daybreaker slipped on a rock, so she fell and was injured. Celestia also put up a protective spell, if otherwise there would be an attack from Daybreaker. I dare say you got that idea because of the sounds I used on this chapter.
12020761
Try to swap the sentences
12020761
Ah, my mistake. I must have not read as closely as I thought I did. In retrospect, I think I've seen a few too many fics where Celestia really is that irrational about an insert character, so my brain probably just filled in the scene as my eyes skipped over what it actually said.
In that case... it still stretches suspension of disbelief, but doesn't shatter it.
Good so far will watch to it career with interest
i thought she was a kid in this story but when you write tall as Princess Celestia i understand my mistake , but how can she hate daybreaker if daybreaker are herself , so if she think calmy its impossible to this ponhy to be daybreaker. but i need a new chapter pronto to be sure the story is good
12020729
Not sure why you think she's a child
12020802
Then how come the description said this?
12020797
Oh, this story is quite good I assure you... And I know that for a fact cause there's already 30 chapters in it, written in author's native language.
This version is a bit different tho - Prologue is absent and 2 chapters after that smashed into one...
So i simply must ask this since Empress here too - when 29 chapter comes out?)
Haven't read yet, but you should really add the human tag to this.
12020817
Could you tell where can i get the native version please
12020849
Try to google "Вечное Пламя ficbook"
12020817
Thanks you
I don't really understand who is talking here? Is it the spark, or the comet?
Well, you lost me. I have no idea what is happening anymore.
12020944
I think our MC got dragged into the memories of the original Daybreaker as represented by that lamp but it wasn’t conveyed very clearly and it looks like author keeps misspelling “Celly” as “Shelly”
Wow, dual personalities with 'their own' consciousness? Or maybe just actual dual personalities? Interesting premise. Though, maybe more things will be revealed in the following chapters so I'll wait to see how the story develops...
Interesting! I am excited to see where this goes!
How does Celestia know that name?
Just an fyi, it’s spelled “skeptic”. Not trying to be rude but “sceptic” makes it seem like you’re talking about a sewage system and this could really confuse people reading the description.
Amazing story with a really great start! I'll eagerly wait for what comes next.
Sad chapter!
Two new great chapters that reveal a lot about Celestia, Luna, Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon's past. It's quite interesting to see that spirit of coworking between the two personalities of the two sisters, and how Celestia sacrificed all of it for the sake of Equestria. I can't wait to see what comes next!
12021436
So, if we follow your stupid rhetoric, we should have done the same with all the germans, the japanese, the italians and all the countries that lost out after the 2nd World War? Treat their populations as pestiferous? The same with people from dictatorships? So, even if they're political refugees, we tell them to go die, right? Because they have the misfortune to come from the “wrong country”, we throw them in a mass grave and bury them?
Condemning the actions of a country, a government, a company or even an individual is one thing, but condemning an entire population, forgetting that there are innocent people inside, political opponents, neutral people or people for peace, just shows that you're at best, stupid and narrow-minded, at worst, a big hateful racist...
So, as far as I'm concerned, as long as this person isn't coming to play politics, waving a pro-Russian/Putin flag, I have no problem with the simple fact that he or she is of Russian origin.
It's funny how time goes by and the more things change, the more they stay the same...
12021436
Не расскажешь, в чем конкретно состоит проблема? Это далеко не первый фанфик, который переведён с русского языка на английский. При том, в отличие от других историй, здесь нет никаких пометок о том, что оригинал лежит на другом сайте или что автор имеет страницу за пределами fimfiction. А значит, что ты либо уже знал об этой истории, либо каким-то образом вычислил автора на другой платформе. Вопрос: нахрена портить другим удовольствие от прочтения своими открыто нацистскими высказываниями?
12021452
Ну попробуй. Добазаришься, могут и админы прийти.
Warning: this story is written from the terrorist state of russia, the aggressor against Ukraine. Do not tolerate their creativity. Thank you for your attention.
12021463
Don't tell me who I can and can't tolerate, fascist.
12021463
And now, dear viewers, we are watching how Mom's Nazi's ass is on fire. This is because people gathered around him who are able to separate the government of the country and its people, and are also capable of critical thinking.
Interesting, I'll keep watching.
Thanks for the chapter!
12021463
disgusting behavior! MLP is not created for this! To discuss politics! Shame on people like you!
Russia is a proud country and will not allow any geeks like you to insult our mother!
Remember! You don't decide who we are. We decided a long time ago who you are!
P.S. I'm from Russia and I hope the meaning was correct in Google translator.
I've read the first chapter, it was great. I’d love to see a chapter similar to Lord of the Flies by this link, with deep themes about human nature and society. It's a perfect novel for exploring complex topics like leadership and morality. For students, this type of literature offers excellent material for an essay, with plenty of opportunities for analysis and critical thinking. If anyone needs help for students to better understand these themes or write about them, it's a great starting point for reflection. Anyway you've done an excellent job :)