How to Disappear Completely

Ofolrodi

Well Why Didn't We Just Do This From the Get-Go I Mean the Series Has Been Going On Long Enough You Think That the Author Would Have the Common Sense to Implement a Deus Ex Machina Sooner Also What's With All of The Repressed Girlyism?

The Dihmers and the Herald formed one marching line against the curved landscape of the world. Splotches of chaotic lightning dwindled in the distant twilight, silhouetting their nimble equine shadows atop the rolling hills like that one night shot from Saving Private Ryan. And by that just now, you should know something.

"Arre we therre yet?" Kepler moaned, carrying two full packs stuffed with the leftovers of Emeraldinian bric-a-brac.

"No," Rainbow Dash droned.

Ten minutes later.

"Arre we therre yet?" Kepler moaned.

"No," Rainbow sighed. Her ghostly companions yawned.

The landscape rippled and undulated with each passing ponimeter. The stars above did starry stuff. A bioluminescent slug creature ripped off Avatar slowly, quietly in the corner.

"Arre we therre yet?" Kepler moaned yet again.

"No," Rainbow growled this time.

"Curious," Seraphimus remarked, which was remarkable for her. "The wyvern doth protest too much."

"Yeah," Flynn wheezed, acting conspicuously in-temper. "It's almost like his character has wildly fluctuated or something."

"I love Rainbow Dash!" Ariel squeaked.

"Stop your groaning, Keps," Logan belched, then belched again. "We have a Midnight Armory to break into and—by rectal thunder—it's gonna take us another three hundred chapters to get there."

"But my wing-feet hurrt!" Kepler whimpered. "What I wouldn't give forr a good pairr of camels!"

"Kepler, I said no camels!" Flynn snarled.

"Just chillax," Rainbow's voice cracked. Ariel clung to her leg and she had to shake her off in mid-step. "We need patience, for crying out loud! I mean... it's not like we're gonna stumble upon an inexplicable magical elevator that can take us all the way back to Equestria for a breather!"

Just then, Wildcard whistled shrilly.

Everyone looked towards the top of a ridge.

There he perched, gesturing at something. With nimble fingers, he hand-signed: "I just stumbled upon an inexplicable magical elevator that can take us all the way back to Equestria for a breather!"

"Whoah..." Rainbow Dash blinked. "Really?" she chirped.

"I'm definitely sensing a vertical shaft erected ahead of us," Rarity remarked. "And not of the alluring variety."

"And judging from the flashing of my horn—!" Twilight remarked, rubbing the body part in question. "—it's definitely magical!"

"Magical in what way?" Ariel asked. A blink. "Wait, how did I hear that—?"

"Let's chick that shit out!" Logan hollered, and the group galloped anxiously to joined Wildcard. The Dihmers—meantime—vanished... fell into a lava pit. I don't know. "Whoah dayum!" Logan whoa dayum'd...

...for there before them, standing like a slightly-less-pee'd-on-cover to a The Who album, was a giant concrete monoloth. Set within its center and furnished with varnished oak doors was the entrance to a massive service elevator.

"Do... do you think it'll work?" Applejack asked.

"Only one way to find out," Rarity said. She looked at their anchor. "Darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrling?"

"Zoop." Rainbow Dash stooped forward. She pressed the tiny "Down" button with her cute pony hoofsie. Click.

Whurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr—

A vertical line of light rose up the center seam of the doorframe. Shortly thereafter, the doors opened to a brightly-lit elevator car. Ding! A draft of cool air-conditioning billowed outward, ruffling everyone's mane and headfeathers.

"It... appears to be operational," Seraphimus stated.

"I wish I had headfeathers," Flynn sighed.

"Do you really think it'll take us all the way to Equestria?" Logan asked.

"Heck if I know." Rainbow trotted in through the door frame. "Let's check it out."

"But Rainbow!" Twilight Sparkle gasped, her lavender jowls flailing. "What about the Harmonic Prism?! The Shards of Endrax?! The Trinary War factions and Axan's Dragon Stone?!"

"... ... ... ... ... ..." Rainbow ellispsaid. She pulled the large round Macguffin from her other Macguffin, gave it a shake, then tossed it over her flank like Mark Hamill. "Meh." Plunk! "We won't be long. Besides, I wanna snuggle Roarke already."

"Who's Roarke?" Ariel asked. WHAP! Seraphimus' talon kicked her inside. "AACKIES!"

"Obey the pony who I once swore on my dead family to murder, infidel." And she stepped in too. She was shortly followed by Wildcard—who was a little turned on. Then Kepler, Logan, and Flynn—who were remarkably less so.

The door closed after them. The dim twilight of the Dark Side was replaced by the blinding artificial glow of an electric lamp above, complete with a persistent, annoying buzz.

"So... uh..." Flynn squirmed slightly. His mechanical eye rotated in and out, since I gave up on writing "lens" versus "lenses" two dozen chapters ago. "Where to?"

Rainbow Dash looked up... and up and up and up and up and up. There were about four thousand seven hundred and ninety-two buttons.

"I reckon it's the one marked 'one,'" Applejack remarked. "Or maybe 'ground level?'"

"I'm here and I'm saying things," Fluttershy said.

"There it is." Rainbow Dash flew up by about a four feet—which is a lot for a cat-sized snuggable creature—and she pressed the button in question. With a quiet hum, the car slid down the unfathomably lengthy shaft.

"But if it's already established that there are four thousand seven hundred and ninety-two floors fitting the width of this slice of Urohringr," Twlight Sparkle remarked, "Then how can one accurately use the adverb 'unfathomably?'"

"Ehhhhh... leave Steven alone, Twilight," Pinkie Pie said, waving a hoof. She leaned in with a smirk and whispered: "He's got his own traffic sign in front of the house!"

The elevator console chimed as it lit past each button... slowly...

Very slowly...

In the meantime, a speaker crackled with early 90s muzak, occasionally broken by a text-to-speech modulator that gleefully stated: "Next floor. Office supplies. Staplers. Hysterectomies."

"This..." Logan was already yawning. "...might take a while."

"Don't worry," Flynn stated. "If we get sleepy, just lie on Wildcard. He's super fluffy."

The Desperado gave the middle finger.

"That reminds me," Rainbow Dash muttered, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the rest of the Herald. "What's with the extra finger, Jordan?"

Wildcard gave her a curious look.

"I mean... not counting your metal limb. Gilda only had four claws on her talon. But somehow you're able to shoot the bird... cat bird... cat... birb?"

The speaker crackled: "Next floor. Lawncare equipment. More lawncare equipment. POP Vinyl figures. Crematory jars."

"Maybe Wildcard was born at Hemingway's retirement home?" Flynn suggested.

"Figures." Logan nodded. "He would belong to a dude without a head."

Rainbow looked at Seraphimus. "Does that mean you hatched out of a Nirvana album?"

Seraphimus sighed... ... ...

Wildcard looked existentially at his digits, trembling.

"Next floor. The ghost of McCarthy. The memories of Nixon."

"Wait..." Flynn remarked, holding a hoof up.

"Added color. A group of anonymous latin-american meat packing glitterati."

"What if it's not that he's got an odd number of claws on each hand," Flynn suggested. "But... he's just using two fingers at once to flip the bird."

"Cat birb."

"Whatever. I mean... has anypony looked? I mean really looked?"

"Achhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Kepler salivarily suggested.

No one had an answer.

"Next floor. Lacy lingerie. Puffy ballgowns. Pink plush bedspreads."

"OoooOoooOoooOoooh!" Rarity cooed.

"Uh uh." Twilight Sparkle shook her head. "Not happening, Rarity."

"But darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrliiiiiiiiiing!"

"We have to go to Equestria, grab an entire army, file them thirty at a time into this elevator shaft, and then bring them gradually back to the Dark Side—one by one—until we have a force substantially large enough to take on the Factions of the Trinary War!" Twilight Sparkle upturned her nose. "We've not time for sissy girly shopping—"

"GUHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Pinkie Pie was twitching all over.

"What's the matter, Pinkie?" Twilight then paled. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shit." She turned towards Rainbow Dash...

...who was foaming at the muzzle. "Humina humina humina—"

"No! Dun do it, sugarcube!" Applejack held a hoof out. "You'll betray your character's deep pink secret!"

"I can't help it!" Rainbow Dash SLAMMED her hoof down over the "open" button of the elevator. "I'm sorrrrrrrry Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrke!"

Ding!

The doors opened, casting the elevator in a sheen of heavenly fuchsia.

"Weeeeeeeeeee!" Rainbow Dash dove through.

Ding!

The doors closed, leaving the Herald and a panicked Desperado lingering inside. As the car continued down the shaft, Ariel mewled worriedly to the walls.

"Is..." Her eyes sparkled. "...is senpai coming back?"

Seraphimus slapped her atop the head. "What is your motivation, again?!"

The metal suspension cables above snapped from an outward explosion of pink fluff, and the shaft filled with shrieks.

~ ~ ~

Appledashery Volume 2

==The End==

Applejack sighed.

A gray malaise hung over Sweet Apple Acres. Granny Smith was not around. Big Mac was not around. Stu Leaves and Fluttershy and the rest of Applejack's friends were not around. It was just her, the orchards, and a wagon full of empty baskets.

Applejack sighed.

She trudged towards a line of trees. She placed a basket against the trunk. She swiveled around, lifted her haunches, and heartily bucked a length of bark. A resounding thud rolled through the farmstead, and a cluster of red delicious fruit fell into the container.

Applejack sighed.

She stood in place, her mane billowing slightly in a dull wind. Shutting her emerald eyes, she struggled to maintain her composure. The grayness was creeping in from all angles. The breeze—whistling in from the tombstones that stood on the hill overlooking her, her daily routine, her ritualistic life as it fashioned itself after the scattering dust of everything she once knew and loved.

Applejack sighed.

Just then—out of nowhere—a chiming sound chirped artificially.

Without opening her eyes, Applejack brought a hoof up and tapped her combadge. She spoke with a lethargic drawl: "Applejack here."

"Applejack," Apple Bloom's voice crackled. "Incoming message from Starfleet. Priority One."

Applejack nodded, eyes opening blearily. "I'll be in my Ready Room."

Leaving the apples, Applejack trotted straight for the barn. Once inside, she made for a pair of door panels. Schwisssh! They openened gracefully for her, revealing a luxurious office suite with windows looking out into streaking stars in outer space.

Clearing her throat, Applejack sat at a chair and tapped a computer panel atop her desk. "Applejack here," she said as a face blipped onto the computer screen. "What can I do for you, Admiral?"

"Applejack..." A mare in a red uniform sat before a United Federation of Planets symbol. "...we have a mission of utmost importance for you to accomplish. Rainbow Dash was on the edge of Cardassian Space, conducting an experiment to break the Warp Ten Threshhold. She's since vanished and our sources believe she may have wounded up stranded in The Badlands."

Applejack arched an eyebrow. "Ain't that awful close to that Demilitarized Zone of theirs?"

"Yes. So perhaps you can see the delicate nature of this operation."

"I reckon I do." Applejack nodded. "Voyager's ready for her maiden flight. If you like, I can have her out of drydock and ready to conduct a rescue."

"That would be most paramount." The admiral leaned forward on the screen. "Make your way to Deep Space Nine where you will receive the rest of your crew complement, then set a course for the Badlands. Recover Rainbow Dash alive and well. We cannot allow the secrets of breaking the Warp Ten Threshhold fall into the hands of the Cardassians."

"I understand completely, Admiral."

"We're sending in the absolute best. Starfleet out." And the computer screen went blank.

Applejack stood up, suddenly wearing a red uniform. She marched firmly through the automatic doors—Schwisssh!—and onto the bridge.

"Captain on the bridge!" Tuvok exclaimed, standing tall behind the tactical station.

"At ease, Lieutenant Commander." Applejack trotted over to the Captain's chair. "Our mission is a real whizz-banger. I'll brief you on it soon. As for now..." She turned towards the helm. "Mr. Paris, set a course for Deep Space Nine. Ensign Kim? Work with Lieutenant Torres on refittin' the warp core to handle passage through the Badlands."

"Yes ma'am," Paris said suavely, entering the necessary coordinates.

I smirked, raising an eyebrow from where I sat beside her chair. "The Badlands? Sounds like a rescue mission."

"You bet yer sweet tattoo, Scootaloo." Applejack smirked at the screen. "There's coffee in that there nebula."

"No... we have not seen your pathetic petite pegasus," growled a person with far too much peanut butter on his head. He leered through the bridge's viewscreen. "However... if you were to share some of your... Federation technology with us... then maybe we could help you find her together!"

"I dun like bullies, First Maje Culluh, and I dun like you." Applejack stood up from the Captain's chair and marched icily towards the screen. "Ever since we got stranded here in this consarn Delta Quadrant, we've been receivin' nothin' but a heap'o'trouble from yer Kazon-Nistrim folks. I think it's high time y'all learned to back up."

"I shall not be talked to by a woman this way!" Culluh hissed.

"Captain..." Tuvok spoke up. "The Kazon-Nistrim vastly outnumber us in this particular sector of space. While we very clearly do not share the same ideals, it would be logical to form some sort of base agreement with their faction in order to more effectively discover Rainbow Dash's—"

"Target their bridge!" Applejack shouted. "Fire all photon torpedoes!"

"Ahem." Tuvok calmly stroked his Vulcan fingers over the targeting console of his computer. "Firing now, Captain."

Culluh blinked on the viewscreen. "Wat." He and everything seen on camera erupted into flames.

The bridge's screen switched to a shot of the Kazon ship exploding into a million Paramount Studios pyrotechnic bits.

"Whew..." I exhaled, shaking my head. "Sure shut him up."

"Who?" Applejack sat down, adjusting the tunic of her uniform. "Culluh or Tuvok?"

"Both!"

"Dun matter none. We've got a petite pegasus to find." Applejack looked across the Bridge. "Ensign Kim. Trace their warp trail from the past few days. I ain't convinced they haven't spotted Rainbow Dash. If we follow their trail, I'm willin' bet we'll find her safe and sound."

"Aye, Captain."

"How many indigenous alien vessels are we intending to blow up along the way?" Tuvok asked.

"That depends." Applejack leaned on an armrest. "How many of them torpedoes do we still got loaded?"

"After that last encounter? Thirty-one, sir."

"Then I reckon about two hundred and twenty-five." Applejack waved. "Set a course, Mr. Paris."

"Y-yes, ma'am."

"Captain!" Ensign Kim exclaimed.

Applejack looked over from where she was standing beside a computer console with Tuvok.

"I think I've got something on short-ranged scans!" Kim plink'd away at his console. "Pegasus bio-signatures. They're faint, but they're out there."

"Are they in visual range?" I asked.

"Affirmative."

Applejack trotted out into the center of the bridge. "On screen."

The bridge's viewscreen blipped to a shot of space. A tiny blue figure floated wildly in the distance.

"Magnify."

The image zeroed in on the figure. It was a pegasus in a shiny space-suit, adrift in the cosmos.

"Life-signs are reading positive," Tuvok said. "The target is likely dehydrated and feverish."

"Well, we can't very well projector the Doctor out into space, can we?" Paris said.

I leaned forward. "Ensign Kim. Prepare a tractor beam. We'll reel her into the cargo bay."

"Belay that order, Ensign." Applejack trotted towards me. "She may be too delicate to handle with a tractor beam right now." The freckled mare took a deep breath. "Patch word through to Engineering. Tell them to meet me in the Cargo Bay with a space suit. I'm going out there to get her personally."

I arched an eyebrow. "Are you sure that's safe?"

"No. But if I know Rainbow Dash, she could appreciate a bit of darin'." Applejack marched off to the nearest turbolift. "You have the bridge, Scootaloo. Keep the seat warm for me."

"Aye, Captain."

Schwissh!

With bursts of hydraulic jets, Applejack glided out into open space.

She made for the freely-floating sight of Rainbow Dash.

The farm mare breathed in and out... steadying her pace... squinting past the fog that her own exhalations made against the transparent visor of her helmet.

At long last, she came into contact with the pegasus. With strong muscles, her suited limbs wrapped around the other mare's suit.

Startled, Rainbow Dash shook and thrashed with spontaneous panic.

"It's me!" Applejack exclaimed, transmitting her voice over a local communication system. "Sugarcube, it's me! It's okay! Yer gonna be fine!"

Rainbow's ruby eyes fluttered in exhaustion. "Uhhhh..." Her adorable voice cracked. "Applejack...?"

"That's right, darlin'."

"You..." Rainbow Dash sniffled, eyes moistening as she gazed through their separate visors to see Applejack's face. "You came for me?"

"Why, of course I did!" Applejack smiled sweetly. "Yer my best gal! I'd cross an entire quadrant for seventy-five years at warp ten to see you home safe!"

Rainbow Dash gulped dryly. "Warp Ten..." She shuddered. "I... I broke the Thresshold, Applejack..."

"I know, darlin'..."

"I was... I-I was everywhere..." Rainbow's twitching eyes darted about, filling with tears and starlight. "...Equestria... the griffins... the Klingons..." She focused on her friend again. "I... I was even there with you, AJ."

"Sugarcube..."

"Ever since your parents died... all this time..." Rainbow's muzzle quivered. "...you were just as sad and lonely and confused as I was. And... and we could have cut so much stupid crap short if we just reached out to one another and told each other the truth."

"We didn't know any better."

"That doesn't make it right." A tear trickled down Rainbow's fuzzy cheek. She whimpered. "Doesn't change the fact that I always wanted to tell you... choice words... choice words that I always wanted to share—"

"Rainbow... please, you dun have to—"

With a firm breath, Rainbow Dash let it out: "I wish we could boldly go."

Applejack's eyes shut. She sucked a breath in. When the warm moment had passed, she reopened her eyes—and now she too was tearing up. "Oh sugarcube... we was meant for each other..."

"What do we do now, AJ?"

"Reckon the only thing we can do..."

And the two ponies in space suits...

...they reached for one another, helmet to helmet, adrift in space...

... ... ...and they cuddled.

Weeks later.

On a humid, swamp-riddled planet in the steamy thick of night.

I materialized via transporter along with Tuvok and another yellowshirt. Fumbling, we marched through marsh and foliage... until we came upon a shallow brook. There—across from the rippling water—there perched two giant orange salamanders that were vaguely pony-shaped. Upon seeing us, they chirped wildly, and one even came towards us belly-first in an awkward, waddling charge.

Setting my phaser to stun, I shot the creature in the spine... then knocked its mate out with another energy blast.

Once both creatures were unconscious, the three of us stepped cautiously forward. Tuvok and I knelt beside them, performing readings with our tricorders.

After a moment of study and reflection, I spoke aside: "There are traces of equine DNA. It's them." I gazed in wonder at the state of them. "But I have to admit, I'm not sure which one is Applejack."

Tuvok arched an eyebrow and cocked his head slightly. "The bigger one. Obviously."

I took a look at him. Suddenly, we both heard a rustling sound. We looked towards the patch of sand in between the two mates.

A litter of tiny salamander-shaped ponies slithered out of a round-shaped burrow. With infantile chirps, they slithered briskly away from us and hid deep into the muddy waters of the swamp. Vanishing.

Tuvok gave me a blank look.

"I... don't know how I'm going to enter this into the log," I said.

In a slightly affirmative tone, Tuvok said, "I look forward to reading it."

THE END

~ ~ ~

How to Disappear Completely

Fwiffity Fwoofity Poof!

A shooting star streaked over the shiny summits of the Crystal Empire. This was accompanied by the otherworldly tinkling of a million tiny windchimes.

Flash Sentry's pony ears pricked to the distinctly heavenly melody. A particularly cinematic gust of wind kicked at his luscious locks as he spun to gaze into the sky, eyes sparkling with constellatory radiance.

"Chuuuuuuu???"

Behold—from the sapphiric fabric of nubile night, there descended a translucent pink ball, undulating with sparkles and glitter. It came earthward in a sassy sashay, swinging around crystalline chimneys and pirouetting spherically between lampposts.

Crystal pony citizens peered out of lit windows and stood—cooing—atop lofty balconies. Soarin and Derpy Hooves trotted up from below ground, hoof-in-hoof. Mr. And Mrs. Cake strolled up along with Lyra and Bon Bon. Everypony gasped and murmured in awe, even as Octavia and Vinyl Scratch stumbled upon the magical scene, accompanied by Filthy Rich, Fancy Pants, Spitfire, and other characters that aren't entirely worth mentioning in a superfluously expository paragraph.

At long last—with the otherworldly grace of fabric softener sheets—the sapient concentration of pink touched down. As it did so, it materialized into an elder mare garbed in silk-shiny blue robes, crowned with a snow-white mane and armed with a sparkling wand. She batted her eyelashes, giggled with a little twirl, then came about to curtsy at the baffled stallion squirming directly in front of her.

"Good evening, my lovely child," she spoke... she sang. Her voice was syrup poured over a Stradivarius. "At long last, I have found you!"

"Uhhhhhhhhh huh..." Flash Sentry's brow furrowed. "And you are?"

"Do you not recognize me?" The timeless mare struck a graceful pose. The air around her billowed with lavender and vanilla perfume. "I am the one and only Femboy Faerie!"

The air grew so silent you could hear a pin drop. Instead, the atmosphere of the Crystal Empire echoed with some poor pony's epic spittake far off in the distance.

"Alright... uhm..." Flash Sentry sat on his haunches. "First of all..." He counted off the fingers he no longer had. "...the very term you're owning is... like... super rude and disrespectful to those who deal daily with the challenges of a transgendered or genderfluid lifestyle."

The Femboy Faerie giggled like Alan Hale Jr in drag. "Oh, you silly silly boi—"

"Second." Flash frowned. "Come onnnnnnn, man." His nostrils snorted. "Just... how low can one go, huh? I mean... I've heard of authors degenerating into a one-trick pony—" He looked over his shoulder at the drooling spectators. "No pun intended!" He returned to his scowling lecture. "—but there comes a time when the abject flanderization of one's previously-repressed themes crosses the line and becomes a pathetic barrage of unnecessary digital exhibitionism—"

"This is your lucky night, my child!" The Faerie waved the wand high, grinning gleefully with shiny teeth. "I've come to transform you into a pretty pretty princess!"

"Duaaaaaaah!" Flash Sentry gasped wide, grasping at his muzzle. "Oh my sweet fucking Jesus Holes—FINALLY!!!"

"Behold!" she Cyclops'd, ruffling up one sleeve after another before priming the magic wand to full blast. "The prettiness becomes you! Fliffity fluffy... fwoofity fwuffity..." She flicked her fetlock and fired the sparkle-canon straight at Flash Sentry's fuzzy chest. "POOF!"

SOUND EFFECTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Soarin, Octavia, and All the Rest(™) shaded their eyes. When the pulsing light had dwindled, they looked to see a truly gorgeous sight.

Princess Flash Sentry stood in a dainty pose, his head tossed back with lips pursed like some Herbal Essence commercial model. His mane billowed, twisted, and glistened into a delicate bun behind a twinkling tiara. As tresses of sparkling light cascaded down his body, they solidified into silver-slick lengths of immaculately smooth fabric. A symmetrical arrangement of lavender sashes framed a diamond-studded bust, and a myriad of pink bows flanked the trim of the most gorgeous ballgown imaginable. Were there glass slippers? Of course there were glass slippers. Honestly, what were you thinking? Go back to Russia.

"Oh... my... muffins...!" Derpy whimpered from afar.

"Someone fetch me a bat!" Soarin wheezed. "I'm going to the other team!"

"She's way more princessy than me!" Cadance hollered from a distance and threw herself off the tallest balcony in the kingdom.

"Well, go on, my child!" the Femboy Faerie harmonized. "Do a twirl! Take a look at yourself!"

Flash Sentry's eyes batted open. He gasped. He gasped again. "Oh... oh goodness! It is just so divine!" He fluttered wings decorated in flower petals and used the feathertips to lift the hem of the dress, exposing alabaster petticoats and crinoline. He spun about—skirts flailing—and grinned angelically towards the furthest corners of the earth. "Why... it's so wonderfully gorgeous! My heart is all a'flutter! I feel like I'm wearing a cloud and... and... and..."

HONK HONK HONK!

Flash's eyes shifted left and right beneath closed lids. The teenage human held his arms straight out as he spun and spun in the middle of the asphalt driveway before Canterlot High.

HONKKKKKKKK!

The teenager's eyes opened wide as he snapped out of his little fantasy world. As he scuffled to a stop, his backpack swung off his body like a loose pendulum.

"Huh?"

This was uttered—of course—straight into the pulverizing metal grill of an incoming school bus that Final Destination'd Flash Sentry into viscera and paste that splattered all over the front entrance of the school.

KAPOWWWWW!

A row of students gasped as blood and organ meat sprayed against their clothes and limbs. As seconds passed—and the hydraulics of the school bus hissed over its freshly slaughtered prey—they shrugged the gore off their torsos, clicked on their phones, and shuffled off towards their home room classes.

The only thing that could possibly be more whiplash-inducing than what just transpired is a poorly-timed line break—

Several hours later...

Curious humans, police officers, and city workers crowded around the front of the school—which was cordoned off by yellow tape and orange traffic cones. A group of paramedics shoveled bits and pieces of Flash Sentry into Tupperware containers and shipped them off to the morgue.

A stereotypical detective and an even-more-stereotypical police officer in uniformed blue strolled out from behind the bus that had parked dormant since that morning.

"Well, I just got done talking to the bus driver," the detective grumbled, chewing on a thick cigar.

"Yes?" the officer asked in an Irish accent, tipping his cap back. "And...?"

"Seems pretty innocent to me, so I'm ruling out first degree homicide." The detective flicked the cigar away and lit a fresh one. "Jury's still out on manslaughter. Nevertheless... really can't blame the poor hispanic bastard driving this thing."

"Why do you think he did it, boy-o?" The officer sniffled, melancholically scratching his head as he gazed down at the chalk-outline where most of Flash Sentry's flesh had accumulated after the impact. "Why do you think he was just standing here, pirouetting in front of a moving bus like Julie Andrews on bath salts?"

"Because he was worse than Julie Andrews on bath salts," the detective hissed. "He was a millennial."

"Ah-ta-ta-ta-to—of course." The officer nodded.

"Grfffffff..." The detective grffffff'd, shoving in a second cigar. "And you know how millennials are. At the slightest hint of melancholy or angst or any other unsavory emotion that makes them reject this world, they mentally transport themselves to some place fanciful and silly and snowflake-friendly."

"Really? Like what kind of world, mate?"

"I dunno. Something full of ponies and princesses and shiet, most likely." The detective puffed on a third cigar. "You ever played Silent Hill One?"

"Please." The officer spat. "I'm no pleb."

"Spoilers ahead. Turns out one of the endings is a total ripoff of Jacob's Ladder." The detective stared off towards the setting sun. A puff of wind blew industrial smog along with the scent of first-world refuse into his tobacco-stained nostrils. "The protagonist is experiencing his dying breaths, so it turns out that all the events he ever witnessed were just the synapses of his brain firing wildly and creating some fantastical scenario that became the meat of the dank story's plot."

"Echh," the officer grimaced Jontronnily. "You think that's what happened with the poor lad who died?"

"I don't know, buddy. But one thing's for sure..." The officer turned towards us, leering. "It'd make for one sucky-ass piece of literature... and to be revealed in Chapter One Hundred no less—"

HONK HONKKKKKKK!

A second school bus rolled up, screeching, and—

WHAMMMM!

The detective's digestive system flew sky high while his brain matter splattered all over the officer.

The police man blinked into the crimson display. He looked down at the twitching remains of the detective. "The state of your arse, mate..."

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