• Member Since 30th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Lighttone GryphonStar


I write stories because I enjoy them. I want to do better and am willing to take any advice to improve.

Comments ( 9 )

I decided to review this story and figure out why it got featured.

Lets first start with grammar. Perfect grammar is always an allure that make the readers trust the atthor more.

 With the banks are refusing loans
 With the banks refusing loans

Warning: Sexaul advances
Warning: Sexual advances

All of the bank turned her away
All of the banks turned her away

 its wasn't a selfish or cruel reason
 it wasn't a selfish or cruel reason

Her father had shoved her into the last airship, but was unable to join her.
Her father had shoved her into the last airship but was unable to join her.

She wasn't trying to be selfish, but needed money. 
She wasn't trying to be selfish but needed money. 

Trying her best to not crumble
Trying her best not to crumble

A voice echoed by her ear.
A voice echoed in her ear.

as he reminisced the experience. 
as he reminisced about the experience. 

The mare hoped he would leave, instead he ordered two meals
The mare hoped he would leave, instead, he ordered two meals

At first, she wasn't going eat anything. 
At first, she wasn't going to eat anything. 

he only seemed to be in his own world utter delight.
he only seemed to be in his own world of utter delight.

She stood up threw out her hands at him. 
She stood up and threw out her hands at him. 

With that he pulled out his card. 
With that, he pulled out his card. 

be a blunt as possible.
be as blunt as possible.

My father is on this listen."
My father is on this list."

Verdict: Grammar clearly isn’t the reason why this story was featured. Not only have you not used some of the tools:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213620/programmatical-editing
http://www.grammarcheck.me/
http://www.reverso.net/spell-checker/english-spelling-grammar
http://www.onlinecorrection.com
http://www.spellcheck.net/
http://www.slickwrite.com
http://www.paperrater.com/free_paper_grader
http://www.writersdiet.com/test.php
http://hemingwayapp.com
http://www.polishmywriting.com/
http://spellcheckplus.com/
https://app.grammarly.com/
http://www.expresso-app.org/
http://www.webpagefx.com/tools/read-able/
https://virtualwritingtutor.com/
https://www.grammar.com/grammar_check.php
https://chat.openai.com/
Bing AI - Search
https://claude.ai
QuillBot
Scribbr
https://ahrefs.com/writing-tools/paragraph-rewriter

It’s clear that you haven’t used any of them.

So, yeah, grammar isn’t the reason why this story was featured. It got featured despite grammar, not because of it.


Let’s move to the content of the description:
You have the word ‘desperation’ in the short description. That definitely is an attractive word for potential readers.


Content of the first chapter (spoilers below):
The story starts with a problem. That’s very good because it hooks the reader right away.

It continues with world-building. Sounds like a post-apocalypse theme, which is quite popular.

I find it interesting that in a world where water and food are scarce, banks work like it’s just another Tuesday. If it were up to me, I’d probably throw the banks out of the story. The character is desperate, and that could be presented even without banks.

Restaurants also seem to work just fine. People talk about culinary experiences as if the food was abundant.

Saffron, despite being hungry and desperate, doesn’t eat and makes enemies instead of friends. I hate her already.

None of them were there for food.

Again, Saffron doesn’t show any promised desperation and denies the business opportunity.

We’re introduced to pimping, which is hot and kinky. This story might hold some promise, after all.

Just when things were about to get interesting, we get to some more lore-building.

Saffron seems like the worst possible pony for the job. It makes me wonder why she was chosen. Oh, but the story gets to that just in time.

She does a 180 and decides to take on the job anyway.

It ends just where things are about to get interesting, urging readers to favor the story so that they would get informed of the next chapter.

Final verdict:
The cover art captures the attention of the readers. The description promises desperation.

We see the exact opposite of desperation in the whole chapter, but in the end, it promises desperation and sexy time yet again. By this time, the reader is already trapped in the sunken-cost fallacy and has no other choice but to press the favorite button of this story in order to see things to the (sexy) end.

11920049

I’d probably throw the banks out of the story.

When I first wrote this I was under that assumption that readers would ask the obvious question. "Why not get money from the banks?" Saffron is low on money, that's the point of her desperation. Yet her dignity isn't threatened until she finds out her father is connected to Canterlot's imprisonment,

Restaurants also seem to work just fine. People talk about culinary experiences as if the food was abundant.

I guess I could have noted how poor the food is. Note, that she is a fine cook, but can't get a job, thought that would be enough to imply food shortish. Maybe I could expand on that in later chapters.

It ends just where things are about to get interesting, urging readers to favor the story so that they would get informed of the next chapter.

Chapters are planned to come out weekly, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

We’re introduced to pimping, which is hot and kinky. This story might hold some promise, after all.

Kind of the point of these side stories is to explore my universe through an M rated lense. Previous stories while have been very graphic, sit on the edge of a teen rating. These side projects allow me to break those boundaries entirely without ruining the whole. Later in this story in particular there will be stripper scene, hard sex and bordering scenes of abuse.

*******************************************************

Thank you for the review. Good to see something are keeping readers' attention. Hopefully I can fish more ratings with later chapters. So what do you want me to review in exchange? Remember, if you want that second review I expect another review of my story once the piece has all it chapters in July.

11920139 All fair points.

If you want to review any of my stories, you can choose any of the stories I've written.

But if you can't decide, I can recommend to you my best story:

TSweetie Bot annoys Sunny
A century has passed, but the immortal Sunny Starscout still fights for harmony.
Bad Dragon · 4.9k words  ·  42  8 · 798 views

It's also a bit post-apocalyptic like yours, so it might be along your alley.

11920164
Sounds good, I'll get to it tomorrow. Already pretty late over here.

11920164
Okay, a review is up. As mentioned, I did have a bigger one planned, but lost most of it during a page refresh. Remember, our deal is for a second review of this story once all the chapters are out at the end of July. Until then I hope you keep somewhat with the chapters coming out each week. You aren't required to post your second review until the final chapter, but keeping up to date on the story isn't a problem right?

You said, you are up for some kinks and I have plenty planned. Moreover, the aim is a slow burn that will destroy more and more of Saffron's dignity as she delves deeper into this dank underworld. With a surprising reveal at the end that sheds new light on certain characters from this story and the mainline story.

11920695 Thank you for the review. It was awesome. It's unfortunate that some of it was lost to time.

Our deal is complete. A review for a review. I don't like to keep obligations over my head.

When your story is complete, you can bring up this trade again and I may or may not accept it then.

Perhaps somepony else will be willing to make a blood pack with you.

Regardless, I wish you all the luck on your story. It does feel like you're building up toward something. You know where you're going with the story which already gives you an edge over many other writers.

11920809
Yeah, for the most part. I have the finished product already written for this one. Just need to fine-tune certain connecting sections before posting. This is why I'm doing it in a weekly format.

11920809
Looking over the group again... I'm starting to think it might be dead. You answer... but that because your always looking for a review. I can count on you making a trade no matter what the story is. As for me coming back to you, don't worry abut me hanging it over your head. I'll just be back around the end of July offering a review of the finished product in exchange for that second review. I'm not asking you to keep up with every single post, just know there will be posts weekily.

11920968 I'm glad we have an understanding. I just like to live my life one day at a time without any leash around my neck. Well, I won't say there aren't any leashes in my life, but I do also like to run wild and free.

See you around. I hope you get more reviews on this story by others as well.

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