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I'm not the DJ or the guy from EastEnders. I am the brony, skater and the fanfic character one. I accept commissions

Comments ( 18 )
Isseus #1 · Aug 28th, 2023 · · 1 ·

Is this some type of a call for help? How did you go from writing comedy to this trash?

I mean... I can't fault your taste in music, though calling them "the most brutal artists" is kinda weird. Like... where are Abörted Hitler Cöck, Intestinal Disgorge, KMFDM...

I'm going to let go of the fact that you called my writing trash, I'm sure you weren't trying to insult me ​​and just felt bad about the content shown here.
As I mentioned in the description, this is a crossover between MLP and Crossed, no matter what opinion you have of the comics, I only took the crossed virus as a base to adapt it to the world of MLP.
As I mentioned again, I don't agree with any of the acts presented here, not necessarily have to like it to write about it, I repudiate rape, animal abuse and murder in general. :pinkiesmile:

The concept of the virus was interesting to me and that is why I combined both universes.
I don't need help, I'm completely sane, you must understand that because an author writes stories like this, it's not because he's hiding his fetishes, disguised as "history" this is more than anything, what it would be like to live in such a cruel and violent world like this, how would you survive, how would someone adapt to such a sudden change.

And about the music, you misunderstood when I said "Brutal artists" I mean how they sing, the energy they put into the songs and the lyrics that really leave you thinking. (And the big-beat because of the fast rhythm that it has) They don't have to sing about weird fetishes or sing about how much they would like to kill someone for my point of view to be considered "brutal" of the ones you mentioned, yes I like KMFDM, but I don't know how long this story will be to implement them, I didn't want to make the list so long either.

I also want to vary and not write the same genres, it never hurts to do something new. :rainbowwild:

The cover art sent me. Lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!


I'm not going to comment on the story as a whole since we all come up with different story ideas and even dark stories like these are valid. I mean, even I have delved into dark stories myself every now and then. However, what I do want to comment on is the story's quality. Please take what I am about to say as criticism meant to help you build.

Your story is filled to the brim of run-on sentences. At times, I had to double check if there was a period anywhere in the paragraph I was reading. Instead, you use commas a lot of the time, which makes it a little hard for readers. I'd also like to say that The wording you use in this story is needlessly extreme and exaggerated a lot of the time. Though, I get that since it is a first person story. I write first person as well, but sometimes it helps to drive home an emotional impact to lower all of the chaos inside Twilight's mind. You use a ton of descriptions when it may be better to just look at how Twilight feels instead.

My third point is actually sort of related to the perspective comment with Twilight. A lot of your dialogue does the job you want, but it isn't as effective as you would want it to be. Some of the quotes made it legitimately hard for me to read since I couldn't believe someone would say something like that. My advice is to really think about what dialogue is needed and if it fits a character. I can understand why it makes sense due to the virus aspect of the story, but it still causes the read to feel slow...

Is there really a reason to include red text, big text and a picture? These things distract the audience and if you want a character yelling, bold and caps works just fine. Finally, what is your overall point with the story? I understand that this is chapter 1, but with how the description is made and how this chapter is written, it feels like this story is being made simply to exist as something dark tonally. That's why I sort of agree with Isseus. It almost feels like this is some sort of call for help. Usually dark stories like these have some message, whether it be hope or the finality of life. Here, it feels like a story made simply to be as dark as possible because an idea came to your mind.

My biggest suggestions are to try and shorten sentences and include periods when a sentence ends. Really evaluate what dialogue is needed and what dialogue just sort of muddies the story or makes readers disengage. Finally, try to refrain from including pictures and multicolor text. Of course, these are only suggestions and you don't have to listen to me, but I really feel like this would help to fix reader engagement and make your story great.

P.S. None of this is to say you're a bad writer at all. I think you have an interesting idea on your hands here and it would be intriguing to watch it grow. I just want to offer suggestions that could help with reader engagement.

Thanks for your critique Spyder27, really appreciated for wanting to improve my writing.
First there are things that I would like to clarify, I am not justifying myself or anything like that, I just think it is important to highlight.

First of all, english is not my main language, IRL I speak more Spanish than English, I only do it when I'm online, I always thought that the most important thing is that I could understand what I want to convey, still need to improve my English and a lot, I only know the basics of the basics.

Which means that I watched the entire show dubbed in spanish, as you know, some phrases in the program can be different to adapt it to my language and be able to understand more easily what a character is saying, I mean, don't always know translates literally. For example when Applejack says "Sugarcube" in Spanish she says "Caramelo" which in english would be "Candy" sounds strange, just as if she said "Cubo de azucar" if it is translated literally sugarcube, it also sounds weird.

I did my best to keep Twilight's personality, why do you think she never swears in the middle of the apocalypse? as would anyone in a situation like this.
And which dialogues are the problem? You don't specify, I don't know what you are referring to exactly. Will it be about Spike's scene? That she wanted to cut her throat so as not to kill Spike, cause' suicidal thoughts are normal in these situations? I don't know, I would appreciate it if you were more specific about that.

Are you saying that I should describe how Twilight feels, when in almost the entire chapter I have been describing it? You wanted me to repeat every time "I'm sad, I'm shocked, I'm crying" It would be very redundant, I tried to describe enough how Twilight feels, if I didn't, it's because it was already obvious how she was feeling, it would be annoying to describe the same feelings over and over again. Don't you think? Or I don't know if you mean something else.

It is obvious that you haven't read the Crossed comics, well, you don't have to read them, but there are aspects that I take from the comics, for example, when an infected person speaks, his text is always in red, red is the characteristic color of the comic and I thought it would be easier to identify who is speaking.

And the image, what can I tell you, a dude walking on fire, to be honest I thought it would be better to show it than describe it, the images are more than anything, to illustrate how a character feels and what is happening, helps more to get into the story, I think it would be something easy to get distracted by using more than 3, like a certain writer I know who puts his entire gallery into his stories and doesn't even explain anything. Mother of Celestia :rainbowlaugh:

The point of the story... I don't know how you want me to reveal everything in a single chapter, you said it yourself, the point as I told Isseus is survival, I can't describe more, but for now it's the main point, I don't want to give spoilers. I'm also going to try to give an origin to the virus, which in the comics are never clearly explained how they originated.

And that is why I quoted that verse, that the body is a sacred temple. Which means that the body is something that is respected and cared for as the most valuable thing that has been given to you in your life, not only yours, but also that of others. Be respectful in the sense of not hurting others both physically and emotionally, surely you thought that I put it just because yeah, dude don't know how to name the chapter and put a random bible verse, but no, I really had my reason to quote that verse.

And about what it seems that I need help. I am not going to repeat the same thing again, my answer is still the same as what I told Isseus. :facehoof:

I am writing another comment so as not to make it too long and to say that I'm not upset, or anything, I know that I have screwed up in certain aspects such as the continuous sentences and the exaggerated use of comas.
I also forgot to explain the large texts, well, how do I explain it... It was to express surprise, horror, when a character screams with all his might, I don't know how that can be distracting, the colors, it was to make it more aesthetic, more original not only write a text without any type of modification it was more than anything to vary a bit from the generic black texts, it was simply with the intention of innovating.

I would like to apologize for the mistakes I made, when I have the opportunity I will edit the chapter and make it "Easier to read", but for the errors that I mentioned in my other comment, I would like an example or with the "quote" tell me what dialogue or what moment you thought "Twilight would never say something like that" and since these are situations that were obviously never seen in the show, the writer has to interpret how the canonical characters would act in this situation, I thought about it and that's how I think she would act, from my point of view of course, I want to know yours too.

I have not read the Crossed comics. I admit that I don't even know what the series is. In that way, I can see why you used the red text now. :rainbowlaugh:
Also, maybe it's just my own view, but the reason why I think Twilight feels off in this story is because she seems more like an everypony if that makes sense? I mean, it is an apocalypse setting, but it doesn't feel like the Twilight I know from the show. Regardless, that could just be my viewpoint.
The dialogue I am referring to is the dialogue from the infected people. I felt it was too weird and didn't fit this apocalypse setting. Although, is this from the Crossed comics? I guess it just felt weird to me that ponies, even if they are infected, would say such blatant things as "Let me rape you!".
Also, let me rephrase. I'm not saying that you should have Twilight think "I'm sad" over and over again. That would be repetitive and boring. What I was trying to say is that this chapter is really fast paced and has little time to actually explore Twilight's deep thoughts about the situation. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it gave me no break between the bad things happening to Twilight. Maybe that was the intended feel. I was also trying to mention that some of Twilight's thoughts didn't feel like Twilight and felt more like a general thought rather than something Twilight would think. I'm not saying you should make her think her feelings a lot and explicitly tell the audience what emotion is going through her mind. As you said, that would be redundant.
Hmm. I can see what you mean by using an image in the story. I think it's a better practice to not include pictures, but if you want to, that's completely fine. What I was trying to say is that it distracted me from the story as a whole. Maybe that's because I prefer writing out a description of a scene.
As for the point of the story, I see what you mean. Survival can be an interesting concept. What was lost on me was that aspect since descriptions and summaries of stories are usually able to tell you what the point of the story is without spoiling anything. In a way, your description gave that to me, but I guess it felt like that wasn't the main point of the story.
Either way, I understand a lot of what you're saying and you can disregard my statements about red text and quotes. However, it would still be a good idea to try and use more periods and break up your sentences to make it easier on the readers instead of there being long run-on sentences.

Hey, you don't have to apologize so much, alright? My intention isn't to get mad at you or such :twilightsmile: I never said the innovations you took to make the text different were necessarily mistakes. I was just saying that it made it hard to read for readers like me. I'm just trying to point out some things you can do to make your work even better. As for examples, I explained it all in my most recent comment~ Really, you don't have to apologize that much. I wasn't looking for an apology. Just wanted to point some things out that I thought could help, you know? :twilightsheepish:

It would be hard to tell how Twilight would act in a situation like this, I tried my best to replicate how she would react, how she would feel. I see her as an intelligent unicorn, who loses control easy when something went wrong and get worried about minimal things like in the episode Lesson Zero, I'm not really sure, the only person who has the authentic answer to this question would be Meghan Mcarthy.

The dialogue of the infected is that strong and rude as you can see in this example: https://readcomiconline.li/Comic/Crossed/Issue-1?id=42755#13
Putting soft dialogue would be very out of place and would go out of the line with Crossed :twilightsheepish:

Remember that it is the first day that outbreak starts, after this episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUzFgCsqhkA
it is what Twilight was talking about at the beginning, in case you don't know what she was referring to.

There is complete chaos going on in Ponyville, I had to focus on 3 very important things, describe the place, Twilight's feelings and advance the plot, so I tried to make it balanced, you understand me? You can't explore deep and detailed feelings in the middle of the outbreak where your life is in danger, it has to be at some point where there is some peace. Also, it's an action scene, it has to be fast-paced and not feel slow.

Don't worry, I don't plan to put so many images, 1 at least in a chapter that requires it, I'm thinking and I really want to illustrate a part in which.
Lyra escapes from the Friendship Express, I really have to illustrate that, I can't resist. There's not word that describes a scene as extreme as that :rainbowkiss:

With all this, I hope that the decisions I made for this story have been clarified, I have my reasons for doing my things, but I really appreciate you wanting to help me, it is greatly appreciated. I don't know if you will be aware of the other chapters that I will release, I would really like to know your opinion and what I should improve also grammatical errors would like to know about them too. :twilightsmile:

I've seen a lot worse, but this story in general has big problems, mainly with presentation:

  1. Things like "he penetrated her" are too abstract for what's going on, and prevent it having the graphic impact it's meant to. Something at least saying what he stuck in her where and emphasizing some horrible aspect of it would help.
  2. The pacing is awkward, as the one stallion's scene drags on a bit, but everything also feels like it's happening too fast, especially with Spike. It would help if Twilight had some time to think and talk with someone else so things can get a chance to "sink in".
  3. Twilight's reactions are...generic and understated. She's worried about being brutally raped to death, but she doesn't seem to really feel anything for the dead mare or such (beyond a tiny mention of tears), let alone employ that anxiety and planning Twilight normally does. This is partly caused by the previous.

I could help steer you in the right direction with some more specific suggestions if you'd like.

Yes, the truth is that I'm not good at writing clopfics or writing sex parts, it would be great if a clopfics writer could help me with those parts but I don't know any. :twilightsheepish:

I always thought that thinking or analyzing a situation in depth, a situation in which your life is in danger, would make the chase scene feel slow, because every so often I stop to explain something that is already know.

It's the first day of the outbreak, Twilight didn't know this was going to happen, how can she plan with all the chaos around her? I know that it is part of her personality, but that would be revealed later in the moments when there were no crossed behind her and there was a moment of peace. But if you think otherwise I would like to read suggestions :scootangel:

Things only feel slow when the tension subsides, so the key is to have the characters keep tension up with their dialog (should be panicked, and not like in depth analyses) and a sense they could be jumped at any moment (interrupt some monologs with sudden attacks, it works well).
Basically, Twi should try to plan, but fail for a while to do much more than survive. A companion mare she loses would also help.

I understand what you're saying, I'm editing the chapter so that it doesn't feel like everything is going too fast.
I did it that way to give an introduction to the virus without going too much into detail, as well as issue #0 of Crossed it's almost similar, everything is going so fast that it is to keep the reader intrigued about what will happen in the next chapter also to show how Twilight survives the first day, although I accept that doing that was a mistake.

There are also companion Ponies, but that will be later, I would like to implement varied conflicts without repeating the same thing too much. Some Ponies will tell from their point of view how they survived or how they died, if I covered too much only in the Twilight chapter, it would diminish the importance and impact of the others.

I see. I think a temporary companion wouldn't get too repetitive if they're different and very temporary. Anyways, the nitty-gritty is something best not done in comments, so I'll send a message your way.

I know the original crossed comic and if it is considered the most grotesque and bloody comic in history and it is not for less and if a zombie apocalypse is bad to be in the universe of crossed is worse

THIS STORY IS AWESOME! everything about it is perfect in everyway and I love gore so it gives me ideas, and your taste in music IS GODLIKE.

Thanks dude, I'm glad you like it but you're going to like it even more because I'm working on an improved version with a friend who is helping me. :ajsmug:

And about the music thanks, not many people know how to appreciate the good music of the 2000s, those songs are the bomb! even today. :yay:

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