The Background Pony Everypony Should Know
The Study of a Winning Pony
Chapter 3: The Background Pony Every Pony Should Know
A couple of cups of coffee and a bemoaned complaint from Spike about my snappish early morning attitude later, and I was out in the field with the intent of doing my research. Princess Luna’s papers contained some basic bibliographical information and some possible avenues of research I had every intention of going down, but for this specific case I had decided to gather some empirical evidence before I formed (more of) a biased opinion on the subject of my study.
I grabbed a pencil, a notebook, my saddlebags and binoculars, and put on my pith helmet. The former objects were of course necessary for observation and note taking, while the latter one put me into the right frame of mind and was therefore also necessary. Unfortunately, it was too hot outside to comfortably wear the jacket.
My supplies in hoof, I concentrated on the spell I had studied during the previous night. I felt the spell come over me and reached out with my magical senses to make sure that it was sound. Satisfied with that the spell was working, I walked out into the streets of Ponyville, and began my search. Normally when I traveled around town I would be regularly greeted, given a friendly wave or given some generic comment or question like what the weather was supposed to be like today. It was certainly much friendlier in Ponyville then the oftentimes snobbish attitudes of the ponies of Canterlot. But today I passed by the ponies in the street without them so much as giving me a glance.
Exactly as planned. As every scientifically minded pony knows, any subject that knew it was under observation would change its behavior. Therefore, in order to gather untainted data about a subject’s behaviors it was necessary to observe it without its knowledge. Hence the Background Pony spell I currently had up. I had quickly dismissed using an Invisibility spell for a number of reasons. For starters it was an exhausting spell to maintain for long periods of time. In addition to that, coverage was less than perfect, meaning that I would still be a little visible as light refracted off of me, distorting anything behind me. There was also the issue that ponies were going to be wondering what exactly you were up to if they did notice you. Walking around invisibly was not exactly the type of thing an honest pony normally did.
But the Background Pony spell avoided most of those problems simply by making its subject completely un-notable, uninteresting, and unimportant to the ponies around her. Even if a pony accidently bumped into you, they were not likely to give you much more than a half-hearted apology before going on with their life. That said; the spell was not perfect. It still took some energy to maintain, and it did not give me license to act however I wanted in public. For instance, if I did something like stand on a soapbox and started lecturing everypony while throwing around magical fireworks the spell was unlikely to hold together and keep me unnoticed. But for remaining anonymous in a crowd of ponies on a normal sunny day, it was perfect.
I looked up at the clouds to try and spot my research subject. I pulled out my binoculars when I spotted a weather pony up in the sky, but was repeatedly disappointed when I confirmed that I was looking at the wrong pony. I had considered simply asking Rainbow Dash where Cloud Kicker would be working today, but that had a couple complications. I had simply woken up too late today due to my late night studying to catch her during the morning mustering of the first shift weather pegasi. After that point she could be anywhere in or over town. Best I could hope for was to find her filing paperwork in her office, and given how much she liked to do paperwork, that would be an occurrence of pure luck on my part. There was also the simple fact that she could end up telling Cloud Kicker what I was up to. Dash’s loyalty did extend to everypony that she cared about after all, and she was going to stand against the pony that seemed to be doing the most offensive thing. Not to say that there was anything wrong with what I was doing. I was advancing science after all, but Dash might not see it that way.
Persistence won out in the end, and I spotted Cloud Kicker talking to a white coated, pink-and-green maned pegasus by the name of Blossomforth. I knew her from her periodic visits to the library to pick up one book or another. She struck me as a pretty smart pony and we had on occasion talked about the books she had checked out, and offered reading suggestions to one another. Otherwise I did not know a whole lot about her.
But there she was, Nimbus Calcitrus. In her natural environment of cloud pushing. Exactly what I wanted.
I slouched behind a bush, and I concentrated on the next spell I wanted to use. I took the simple Eavesdrop and began to reshape it, adapting it from a spell that would only work for a relatively short distance to one that would allow me to concentrate and hear conversations from a much greater distance than the original parameters of the spell allowed. I looked through my binoculars and directed my considerably enhanced hearing towards the pair of pegasi sitting on a cloud.
Cloud Kicker was talking excitedly to Blossomforth when I finally got the range and distance down. “-When she touc-“ I got some nasty feedback from the spell but I quickly readjusted it. “-with her wacky hand spell would be really weird, but it really hit the spot. Let me tell you, a lyre is not all she can play with her magic.” Blossomforth looked terribly embarrassed as her cheeks reddened, and she scrunched her shoulders up as she avoided eye contact with Cloud Kicker.
Ok, maybe I was coming into the middle of a conversation and I was simply misinterpreting whatever Cloud Kicker was saying. I had only met the mare twice thus far, and I did not want those two experiences tainting my analysis of the situation. No reason not to give her the benefit of the doubt. Surely she must talk about things other than intercourse, right?
“Plus it was handy for the cleanup. Bon-Bon did a pretty admirable job licking up the chocolate during all the excitement, but it wasn’t easy when we had done our level best getting it everywhere.” Cloud Kicker licked her lips and hummed. “Now there was a taste I won’t soon be forgetting.”
Blossomforth’s hoof met her face and she grunted in irritation. “Please don’t tell me you intentionally just used a pun that bad?”
Cloud Kicker wrapped a leg around Blossomforth’s shoulders to press their bodies together side by side, and she raised a hoof to the sky. “Blossom, we live in a world where our town is named Ponyville, and two of ponykind’s major cities are called Manehatten and Fillydelphia. Let’s face it, Blossom: we are a species genetically predispositioned towards making bad puns. Might as well embrace that fact and ride the wave of hilariously bad pun-age.”
Blossomforth rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. “You just don’t want to admit that you can’t come up with any good jokes that don’t involve m-m-m-“
Cloud Kicker pumped a hoof in encouragement. “Come on Blossom! Say it! I believe in you!”
“M-m-mating,” Blossomforth finally managed to splutter out.
Cloud Kicker laughed and gave Blossomforth an overly friendly series of pats on the back that nearly sent her sprawling on the cloud. “See, at this rate we might be able to get you to say words like ‘sex’ and ‘intercourse’ by the end of next month if we work hard enough at it. We are making progress my friend.”
Blossomforth’s eyebrows scrunched up in irritation. “I can say those words just fine. I just don’t need to.”
“Good, good, we are doing a great job of building up your confidence already.” Cloud Kicker leaned in her head to be right next to Blossomforth’s so that she could whisper. “At this rate we might even get you to the point where you can kiss another pony. Kissy, kissy, kissy.” She made a series of kissing noises right next to Blossomforth’s face before putting her hoof in Cloud Kicker’s face, and pushed her back to a distance that was not violating her air space. Looking at her face at that moment, it would have been difficult to tell that her coat was a natural white color, and she scowled at Cloud Kicker as she tried to keep her wings from extending.
I was really starting to feel bad for Blossomforth now. How she could stand to be around that perverse mare was beyond me. The only thing I could think of was that she was forced to work with her due to both of them being assistant weather managers. Not like anypony could really stand Cloud Kicker for a considerable length of time if they did not have to, right? I knew I was only going to deal with her because of professional reasons.
Blossomforth let out a long sigh. “Once again I ask: why are we friends?”
Cloud Kicker had friends? Or at least a friend. One that possibly did not involve sex? I made a note to remind myself to interview Blossomforth before this was all over.
Cloud Kicker grinned at her beleaguered friend. “Because I bring fun and excitement into your life, Blossom. If it wasn’t for me, I’d worry that you would be too embarrassed to come outside and actually talk with other ponies, much less get out and have some fun.”
Blossomforth looked away from Cloud Kicker with a scowl. “I can do those things just fine. I’m not some kind of shut-in you know.”
“But you haven’t had any real fun yet Blossom.” She emphasized this by standing up and shaking her flank in the air. “You should have seen me when I was banging around with Harpflank and Sweets. That was definitely the most fun I have had in awhile. Those two know each other inside and out, and they aren’t afraid to make a guest feel welcome.” She leaned in again to Blossomforth. “You know, I bet I could swing it with them to make a quadsome if you are interested.”
Blossomforth fumbled between stuttering and squeaking noises. Cloud Kicker let out another hearty laugh before sitting down opposite of Blossomforth. “Oh come on now, you know I’m just jok-“
“HIYA TWILIGHT! WHATCHA DOING?”
The world became nothing but noise and pain. It was as though Princess Luna herself had come down and had decided to deafen me for some terrible transgression. I fell to the ground, flattened my ears, and put my hoofs over them to try and block out the overwhelming sound. I desperately tried to summon the will and concentration to end the Eavesdrop spell. The terrible ringing in my ears and splotches of lights over my vision taught me exactly why the Eavesdrop spell had the built-in limited range and power that it did. The reason was pain.
“WHY’RE YOU ON THE GROUND?! IS SOMETHING WRONG!?”
Something was most definitely the wrong as I was once again battered by a cacophony of sound. My mind scrambled to try to shove away all sensations, and concentrate at what was most important. Stopping the source of the pain. I fumbled to grasp at the Eavesdrop spell before I was knocked into unconsciousness.
“TWILIGHT, LISTEN TO ME, DO YOU NEED HELP!? WHAT CAN I DO!? QUICK! SOMepony call for help!”
I finally unraveled the spell that had so treacherously tried to kill me. I heard screaming slowly dying. Based on how raw my throat felt, I think I knew who it belonged to. I’m not quite sure how long I lied there as I fought through the pain that all too slowly ebbed from my body. I slowly opened my eyes and my vision slowly focused on the pink blur in front of me.
I quickly recognized that it was Pinkie Pie, once there was only three of her. She was busily moving her mouth, but the ringing in my ears made it impossible to determine what she was saying. I motioned with my hoof for her to stop, and her head tilted in concern. I placed my forelegs over my eyes and ears as I tried to gather myself and wait for the pain to become something that did not feel immediately life-threatening. My brain started to process information once the entirety of my being was not complaining about how much sound hurts when magically amplified.
Ugh, Pinkie Pie, of course. The one pony that the stupid Background Pony spell did not seem to work on for some reason. I had tried using it while learning about her Pinkie Sense. All that had gotten me was having a flower pot, anvil, carriage, and piano getting dropped on my head, and the admission that she had been playing with me all day. Stupid reality-breaking pink party pony. Did she not understand the value of science? Or that the laws of reality should also apply to her?
I began to hear sounds that were not painful ringing.
“-lying on the ground like she was in pain. I was so scared that something was wrong with Twilight, and I still am, and she is still lying there in pain, and she motioned for me to stop talking, but I didn’t know what to do without talking, and I can’t ask help from other ponies without talking, and because I didn’t know what to do I-“
Another voice finally stopped the painful ramblings before my head cracked like an egg. Unfortunately, the new voice struck like a hammer on an anvil. “PINKIE! Stop, please, just stop. I get it. Let me help.” I peeked out from my legs to see Rainbow Dash hovering next to Pinkie. Dash landed on the ground and walked over to stand next to me. She leaned down and placed a hoof gingerly on my shoulders. “Hey Twilight, are you ok?” She asked softly.
I nodded weakly. I slowly pulled my legs off my head and greeted the assault of light and sound that came from lowering my defenses. I decided it would be best to keep my eyes tightly shut, and my ears down for the moment
Dash lied down next to me, and she slowly rubbed my back to comfort me. “Do you need to go to the hospital? You look like you are in bad shape.”
“N-no. No.” I managed to croak out. “That won’t be necessary,”
Dash looked at me with concern. “You sure, Twilight? Come on, let me take you to the hospital. You look like Tartarus.”
“No, i-it’s ok-kay.” I slowly worked my way to my hooves with Dash’s support. Besides the splitting migraine I was feeling, everything else seemed to be working properly. The biggest thing I was worried about, my hearing, seemed to be working fine now. If you discounted the painful ringing I was hearing anyways. Thank Celestia. I looked at Dash and tried to smile for her. “I was just practicing a spell that improved hearing, and well…Pinkie is loud.”
“It’s true, the Cakes are always having to get on me to be quiet so that I don’t make the foals cranky and cry,” Pinkie said with far more excitement than I thought the occasion warranted. I swear, it was like some fundamental force in the universe was trying to torture me for laughs. A glare from Dash elicited a half-hearted giggle from Pinkie, but she seemed to take the hint.
I worked through my migraine to touch the Background Pony spell and reinforced its power. Screaming and making a scene had not helped towards its strength. It would not do anything for a pair of ponies like Pinkie and Dash who had already noticed and acknowledged me, but it should have stunted the progress of the slowly growing circle of concerned ponies around us. I did not need to make a scene because of a misapplied spell.
Dash kept me from stumbling back down to the ground as I rubbed my head with a hoof. “If you aren’t going to the hospital, at least let us take you to Sugarcube Corner,” she said. “It’s just down the block from here.”
Pinkie nodded with her usually bubbly excitement. “Yea, I can get you something to eat and drink so you can feel better.”
I had the feeling they were not just going to let me go on my merry way alone. The occasional lurches of the ground didn’t particularly make me want to go at it alone anyways. I hated it when the ground refused to remain perfectly horizontal. “Yeah, that sounds good. I think I just need a little bit of time for the ringing to stop.”
I let out a groan. I was less than a full day into this study, and it was already causing me an inordinate amount of pain.
***
Rainbow Dash and I had managed to convince the Life Flight Crew that showed up that I did not need to go the hospital, despite collapsing in the street. My insistence that all I needed was some sit down time and rest eventually convinced them to leave without me. Admittedly, being able to take some time at the Sugarcube Corner to relax did me some good. Sipping on a nice cool milkshake while laying my head on the cool surface of the table had helped. My headache had been downgraded from an 8.5 on the Twilight Sparkle Cerebral Pain Scale to something between a 4.5 and 5. The Background Pony spell also helped to give me some much needed peace and quiet as I recovered.
But the time came for me to get back to work. I dropped off the necessary bits for the drink and thanked Pinkie for her help. She made me Pinkie Promise that I really was alright before leaving the diner/bakery, even if it was her sudden screaming into my ear that caused my whole world to be filled with nothing but pain to begin with. Chewing her out or being mad at her would not have done anything but hurt her feelings, and she really had not known any better. Sometimes you make sacrifices for friendship. I would know, I had written a report about it.
I did eventually manage to find Cloud Kicker again during her cloud pushing duties. Cloud Kicker did admittedly stick to her job pushing clouds and telling other ponies to do the same most of the day. Though if I had to guess, she was probably hitting on all her fellow cloud pushers. I can’t imagine a pony like her would be talking to them about anything else.
I shook my head in annoyance with myself. There I was letting my previous bad experiences with Cloud Kicker taint what was supposed to be unbiased research. Objectively analysing the situation, she probably wouldn’t have gotten promoted to assistant manager if she was doing a terrible job as a weather pony, and sexual harassment tended to preempt doing a good job at work. Dash was certainly loyal to her friends, but loyalty was a two way street. You needed to give in order to receive, and I did not see Dash promoting somepony just because she was buddy-buddy with them.
Unfortunately, I could not actually monitor what she was saying due to not using the Eavesdrop spell, and I was not going to be using it after the previous disaster. At least I was getting some notes about her managerial style. Despite being new to the position she seemed to know how to order ponies around. From what I had read, pegasi could be a hard bunch to order around if you did not have their respect.
The first shift for the weather service came to an end, and Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth met up again in the town square. I hung back a short distance from the two of them and tried to do nothing notable. Luckily, my Background Pony spell seemed to be working just fine.
Blossomforth stretched her back and wings out with a series of pops. Cloud Kicker took a moment to enjoy the view, of course. “So, long day of pushing clouds,” Blossomforth said. “Want to do something now that we’re done for the day?”
Cloud Kicker whipped her tail as she turned to face Blossomforth. “Oh, I know what I’d like to do, but past attempts to make it happen have always resulted in poor old me being shot down.”
Blossomforth looked down and slowly pawed at the ground a couple of time. “Is there something else we could do?”
I was beginning to wonder if Cloud Kicker was in the middle of the process of beating down Blossomforth into being a second Fluttershy. Cloud Kicker had been relentless in embarrassing Blossomforth and doing her best to reduce her to a stuttering wreck.
Cloud Kicker hummed as she looked around. Her eyes seemed to brighten, and her head snapped back to facing Blossomforth. “I know, let’s head to the Sun’s Flank for something to eat and drink.”
Blossomforth frowned at the suggestion. “There again? You know that place me uncomfortable because it’s-“
“Nuh-uh-uh,” said Cloud Kicker as she shook her hoof at Blossomforth. “You can’t tell me you don’t like the filly cheese hay they have there. Besides, I have something fun planned.”
Blossomforth narrowed her eyes with suspicion. “This isn’t like the last time where you--’
“Nope nope,” said Cloud Kicker with a shake of her head. “No plans to embarrass you this night. You could probably use a break after what happened at the mud pit during the charity when I--”
“We both agreed to never speak of that again!” Blossomforth shouted with a lot more anger than I thought was in the pegasus.
Cloud Kicker put both of her hooves up in surrender. “Hey, hey, calm down there Blossom. Let’s just go to the tavern and relax for the evening.” She made a crossing motion of her heart. “I promise I have no plan to embarrass you tonight.”
Blossomforth stared levelly at Cloud Kicker. “And no spontaneous plans to embarrass me?”
“You have my word.” Cloud Kicker offered a hoof. “I promise I do not and will not have any plans to embarrass you. Shake?” Blossomforth narrowed her eyes at the hoof, but tentatively shook it in the end.
With their plans settled, the two of them walked down a street. I followed them until they reached an alley. From there I looked down the alley to see a glowing sign with a sunburst and two squiggly running vertically on either side of the sunburst. The sign was directly above a staircase that lead down into the basement of one of the buildings lining the alley. Getting closer, I saw the script that announced the establishment as The Sun’s Flank. The reference escaped me. The sun did not have a flank. As everypony knew, the sun is a sphere of plasma and gas, and a sphere simply did not have a flank. Already this place was crossing me.
I was reluctant to enter the Sun’s Flank, but the simple fact that this was quite possibly my best chance to watch Cloud Kicker socialize before I contacted her directly, and it would likely be an invaluable research point that could not be replicated. Besides, it was just a bar, and no one would likely notice me thanks to my spell.
I descended the stairs, and took in the sights around me to get an idea of what it was about this place that would attract Cloud Kicker. Various columns held up the room of the basement bar, and round tables were spaced periodically around the room. Booths lined the walls, and each had a lamp over them to provide a low level of light. The furniture seemed to be made of dark wood, and the place smelled of hickory. A grey mare with a wine glass cutie mark stood behind the bar, somehow managing to keep pace with the slew of orders. The place felt--casual, laid back.
Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth had already sat down at one of the tables and were talking with a waitress about their orders.
Cloud Kicker tapped her menu. “Could you get my friend and I some hard lemonade?” She grinned knowingly at Blossomforth.
Blossomforth narrowed her eyes in a glare at her supposed friend. “Too soon.” She turned to the waitress. “I’ll just have some water.”
I walked over to a table near the two of them and dropped my saddlebags onto the floor while pulling out my pencil and notebook. I sat down with the intent of eavesdropping on them. Just…not with the spell.
Cloud Kicker seemed busy humming a tune and tapping her hoof on the table. Blossomforth seemed to be doing her best to bury herself in her menu as she glanced around the room nervously. I began to wonder what had Blossomforth so on edge. I looked around the room to see if anything was odd. There seemed to be a lot of mares standing around, talking, drinking and eating. In fact, I didn’t see a single stallion in the entire bar. That struck me as odd. It wasn’t like I saw a ‘no stallions’ sign outside--I was pretty sure that would probably be illegal anyways.
I continued scanning the room as the pieces of the puzzle fit together. I noticed mares holding hooves in the dimmed lighting of the bar. A couple at the table next to me nuzzling each other while quiet music played in the background. One mare was giving another a cheesy one liner at the bar. There were more than one pair of mares kissing in the corners and along the walls of the tavern…
Endless Night! I was in a fillyfooler bar and didn’t even realize it! I slinked deeper into my seat as I fought down the urge to do something that would break my spell. I suddenly had the irrational feeling of finding myself in a wolf den.
How in Equestria had I missed something as obvious as this? It was probably because of incidents like these that my friends insisted that I get out more. I looked back at Cloud Kicker in an attempt to get my mind back to the task at hoof rather than blindly panicking just because an unexpected fact had sprung on me. Cloud Kicker seemed to be smiling to herself for some reason, and Blossomforth was trying her best at trying to disappear into her menu.
A white coated, rose maned pony walked up to their table, and propped her front two knees onto the table. “Hey Cloud Kicker, haven’t seen you around lately. Looking for some fun tonight?”
“Sorry, I have other plans right now Rose.” Cloud Kicker leaned towards Roseluck and spoke in a sultry tone. “But I wouldn’t mind taking a rain check for later.” She gave her a sly wink.
“Hm, too bad then.” Rose turned to look at the slightly quivering Blossomforth. “How about your cute friend, then?” She took a hoof and slowly forced Blossomforth’s menu flat with the table. Blossomforth was doing her best not to make eye contact with the pony now eying her up.
Cloud Kicker gave her friend a predatory smile. “Yeah, what about my cute friend?” She playfully nudged Blossomforth.
Blossomforth tried to make herself as small possible as she threatened to disappear under her table. “NothankyouI’mnotinterested,” she managed to squeak out.
Roseluck snorted as she suppressed a laugh. “Cloud Kicker, I’m surprised you can have a friend this bashful.”
“You know me Roseluck, I like to help the helpless.” The both of them let out a laugh while Blossomforth picked her menu back up to hide herself. “She’s a work in progress. I finally got her to say ‘mate’ earlier. I’m holding onto the hope that I can get her to say ‘sex’ in a couple of weeks.”
Roseluck got off of the table and shrugged. “If you need any help, you know where to find me.”
“I do like the taste of your roses,” said Cloud Kicker.
Roseluck placed a hoof over her muzzle and gave a snorted laugh. “Oh, stop you flirt. You need to be careful or you’re going to give some poor mare the wrong ideas someday.”
Cloud Kicker raised her hooves up in a shrug. “Nah, I don’t leave broken hearts behind. Everypony knows I’m not into the whole long-term romance thing. They know what they’re getting into when I go up and say, ‘Let’s go back to my place. We’ll bang, OK?’”
“If you say so. See you both later then.” Rose gave Cloud Kicker a wink and walked off to another part of the bar.
Cloud Kicker turned to Blossomforth and gave her a couple of jabs to the ribs. “Come on Blossom. That was your perfect chance for some banging right there. It’s hard to enjoy yourself from the fetal position--well unless you are into that type of thing.”
Her white coat made it impossible to hide her blushing. “And I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t be embarrassing me tonight?”
Cloud Kicker put her hooves over her heart and put on a fake look of shock on her face. “Blossom, you wound me. You would suggest I would break a promise so causally? I was just trying to get you a date--it’s your fault you didn’t jump at the opening I made for you.”
Blossomforth glowered at Cloud Kicker. “You’re walking a fine line.”
“What can I say,” said Cloud Kicker, “I like to live life on the edge. A sexy edge filled with lots of banging.” Blossomforth merely groaned at Cloud Kicker as the waitress dropped off two plate of cheese hay.
Cloud Kicker took a bite out of her meal and looked up at Blossomforth while chewing. “Hey Blossom, have I told you about my latest banging session?”
Blossomforth rolled her eyes at Cloud Kicker. “I think you already told me about Lyra and Bon-Bon earlier today during our break.”
“No, that was the other day,” said Cloud Kicker. She finished chewing and swallowed. “My latest banging partner is somepony different.”
Blossomforth was rolling her eyes so much I was beginning to worry they would fall out. “How you keep from catching something or getting knocked up I will never know.”
That was a question I had wondered about myself.
“Protection, Blossom, protection,” Cloud Kicker said with way more enthusiasm than a mare should have for a topic that caused school fillies and colts no small amount of blushing. “Protection is a wonderful thing. Wear the right gear, make sure to take the right potions, and make sure to stay on top of your doctor visits to make sure everything is clear, and consequence-free banging is right around the corner.”
Blossomforth seemed to think her best course of action at this point was to fill her mouth with some cheesy hay and munch on it. She did not even even bother to dignify Cloud Kicker with a reaction.
Cloud Kicker took Blossomforth’s silence as her opportunity to lean over the table to get closer to her. “I just banged the town librarian.”
What!?
Blossomforth nearly choked on her food, and was forced to deposit some of her hay back on her plate. “What,” she let out a quick cough, “Twilight Sparkle? You b-m-m-mated with her?”
“Hay yeah!” Cloud Kicker exclaimed without a hint of shame over slandering my good name. “And let me tell you, she is a goddess in the sack. Not that we actually spent much time in the sack. Things get pretty wild when your banging partner can teleport at will.”
Lies! Lies! All of it lies! I was tempted to teleport right over there and give her a piece of my mind. It was pretty hard to keep my cool when she was sitting right there and lying about engaging in intercourse with me. I reminded myself of the study and the need to not taint the data I was collecting by directly intervening in the conversation I was being assaulted with.
“B-b-b-but your rules!” Blossomforth said in flabbergastion. She leaned in and tried to speak more quietly. “The boss, what will she do when she finds out? You could get in so much trouble!”
“Don’t worry, it doesn’t technically count against my rule if she comes hitting on me first,” she said dismissively. “A pony like Twilight can’t help but succumb to a pony with irresistible charm like me. The boss can’t say anything if she is begging for the banging.”
Princess Celestia had taught me a lot of techniques for controlling my emotions and anger so that I would always be in control of my magic. I was seeing exactly how many of them I could do simultaneously. Twelve, as it turned out.
Cloud Kicker looked like a pony who had found a pot of gold. “Let me tell you, Twilight gave me some of the wildest banging I have ever had. We banged our way all over that library.” She leaned towards Blossomforth with a smile. “You want to know the nice thing about banging a pony as well read as Twilight? Oh, she has all sorts of knowledge on how to please a pony. Techniques, positions, spells, you name it.”
I was considering quite a few things I could do to one Ms. Slander Cloud Kicker to the Moon right this moment.
Blossomforth's eyes were wide and her was mouth half agape. Whether from shock or horror I could not tell. All I could feel was a building rage that threatened to be unleashed on the world.
Cloud Kicker clopped her hooves on the table in excitement. “Not that I was doing badly myself. I had to bring my A game, and use every bit of experience I'd accumulated over years of banging, but in the end I managed to pin down and really bang that hot piece of adorkable plot.”
I will not blast this mare. I will not turn this mare into a house plant. I will not throw this mare into the pit of tartarus. I will not shoot this mare to a celestial body in space...
“When she finally caught her breath after our banging, she said that she was so pleased with me that next time she was going to send a letter to Princess Celestia so we could have an epic threesome.”
“I DID NOT!” I said as I stood and slammed my hoofs down on my table. Everypony turned towards me. The looks on their faces were a range of emotions going from surprise, fear, confusion and horror. I was on fire with rage. I knew this because I could smell the smoke. I stared down at Cloud Kicker and gave everypony a chance to absorb what was about to happen. It was only fair I give Cloud Kicker a chance to explain herself before I unleashed my expansive imagination and magic on her. She was looking back at me and … smiling?
“Hey, Twilight. I was wondering when you would stop being all embarrassed and join us for a talk.” Cloud Kicker waved at me in a friendly manner, as though nothing in the world was wrong. Like she did not have the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria breathing down her neck, ready to bring down a righteous vengeance down on her head. She pointed a hoof at an empty seat at their table. “Come on, sit with us, you’ve been following us all day anyways.”
My rage began to evaporate under a tidal wave of confusion. “You knew? This entire time you knew I was following you around?” The fact I was also the center of attention of a room full of mares because of my outburst was also starting to weigh down on me with embarrassment.
Cloud Kicker laughed heartily. “Let me guess, the Background Pony spell right? Saw that one back at West Hoof, our instructors told us it was a favorite of unicorn spies. I also had a unicorn banging buddy of mine back at school who learned it. Lead to us getting away with some pretty exciting public excursions.”
Some little part of my academic mind died of shame upon learning that Cloud Kicker had used a spell I had been using for research as just another tool to have intercourse.
Blossomforth’s mouth was agape as she looked back and forth between Cloud Kicker and me. Cloud Kicker cheerfully continued to explain why my little plan to gather untainted empirical evidence had been a bust. “It was a little hard not to notice you when you were lying on the ground screaming earlier. I know from personal experience that a whole lot of hollering and screaming doesn’t do you any favors for not getting noticed. Got a demerit or two while banging in the center lawn of campus for that reason. But anyways, you gave us cloud pushers quite the fright. Rainbow Dash yelled at Blossom and I to go get an ambulance even if we had to personally throw in a couple of paramedics into a Life Flight, strap ourselves in, and fly the cart to you ourselves.”
Her knowing grin as she spoke contributed to my growing bewilderment. “Given you had the whole explorer outfit going on and the fact I had signed that contract earlier for you to study me, it wasn’t hard to figure out what you were up to. Shame for you, it seems that you didn’t just dispel and recast after that incident. The spell doesn’t work so well when you’ve already been spotted, and somepony is actively looking for you. Also from personal experience.”
Where did she get off knowing spellcraft? I knew what I was doing with my own spells, thank you very much. She had been playing with me, this entire time? My brain was hurriedly processing away, but none of it was resulting in getting my mouth to work.
Cloud Kicker continued to smile as though everything was right with the world. “Oh don’t worry, it’s not like any spell was going to keep me from noticing a cute piece of librarian flank like you anyways, Duchess.”
My right ear twitched in irritation. “Please don’t call me that.”
“Wait, she’s been following us all day, and you didn’t tell me?” It looked like Blossomforth had decided to re-enter the field after being sidelined due to linear cross-event confusion.
Cloud Kicker placed a hoof on Blossomforth’s shoulder. “Fundamental fact about secrets Blossom: the more ponies that know a secret, the more likely it is going to stop being a secret. I just couldn’t risk losing this opportunity to have this much fun by spilling the beans to you.”
Blossomforth looked down at the ground. “You could have tried to trust me, you know.”
“Don’t worry about it Blossom. You’re still my BFF at the end of the day.” That caused Blossomforth to look down at the ground all the harder.
Cloud Kicker removed her hoof from Blossomforth’s shoulder and turned back to me. “You should see the look on your face, Duchess. But really, if you wanted to bang you just had to say so--no need to beat around the bush and stalk me all day. Unless you wanted to do some roleplaying as foreplay.” She raised her eyebrows a couple of times suggestively. “Because I’m all for that type of thing to help spice up the banging. I bet a hot nerd like you would know all sorts of things about roleplaying. Yeah, I’m a bard... I can Perform all night. Let me take 20 and I’ll prove it to you.”
I growled in irritation at Cloud Kicker. “This isn’t funny. Why do you think it is a good thing to embarrass me in front of everypony?”
“What?” Cloud Kicker point a hoof at Blossomforth. “I had to keep my promise to Blossom to not embarrass her. After all, if you break a promise to a friend you stand to lose them--”
“FOREVER!” Pinkie Pie said as she jumped out of one of my saddle bags.
I flinched away from Pinkie in surprise. “I-what… ah… my bag… too small… how… when… why…” That’s what the breaking of my brain sounds like when Pinkie finally mocks the laws of physics one too many times.
It perhaps said something about how crazy the ponies in Ponyville were when they were by this point starting to go back to food, talking, and other activities that I shall not go into details on. Though Cloud Kicker, Blossomforth and I stared at Pinkie as she smiled happily to herself.
My brain finally reset itself, and I was capable of coherent speech again. “Pinkie, what in the world were you doing in my bag?” Better yet, how in Equestria did I not notice I was carrying around an earth pony my own size around? Assuming we were even working anywhere within the realm of reality anymore. I was beginning to wonder if the whole universe was against me now.
“To tell everypony about the dangers of losing a friend fffffooooorrrrrreeeeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrrrr, obviously,” Pinkie said while giving an excited hop. Ask a stupid question, get an inane answer. I do not know why I even bothered with trying to get answers that made sense from my pink party friend.
“Also, you really need to get your saddlebags cleaned Twilight. When’s the last time you got them washed? Whoowee.” She waved a hoof past her nostrils in a stinking motion. “Hey, you going to finish that filly cheese hay,” she asked while pointing at Blossomforth’s plate. Blossomforth slowly pushed the plate towards Pinkie. No doubt worried what would happen should she fail to placate the reality defying pink party pony that had suddenly appeared in our midsts. Pinkie went at the hay with gusto.
All of us watched Pinkie Pie enjoy Blossomforth’s meal. None of us sure how to proceed at this awkward juncture.
“So, anypony want to bang tonight?” said Cloud Kicker. “Anypony at all?”
“No,” I snapped immediately.
“No.” Blossomforth did her best to stare a hole in the floor.
“Nopey,” Pinkie said between bites, “already got a marefriend.”
Cloud Kicker rolled her eyes, lowered her ears and sighed. “Oh, who am I kidding? You’re all technically on my unbangable list anyways.”
Looks like we were all going home disappointed this night. Well, except for Pinkie. She seemed to be quite happy with her free meal of cheese hay, and with getting off her own friendship message about friends and secrets. But she made a life out of being an exception.
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Oh hell yes, it's finally here!
I hereby declare "Background Pony" to be the most amazing spell ever.
This story just gets better and better each update.
Why does it seems like Ponyville is the Shivering Isles to Equestria's Tamriel. All that concentrated crazy can't be god for the environment.
Tender Surrender - Steve Vai
Cloudkicker and Twilight - a unicorn capable, among other things, of "Want-it, need-it" spell.
This just can't go wrong...
loving this story
"we'll bang, okay?"
i laughed. i did. This chapter was quite funny. i enjoy your writing and i enjoy this story. lookin' forward to how this turns out.
-sighs- i knew cloudy was going to have fun with that one. i mean who wouldn't
Huh I've had days like that before.
oh and something twilight should consider; cloudkicker knew that twilight would be the one studying her so that thing at the party might have just been cloudy trying to mess with her head
Gotta say, you're doing a durned good job of fitting this into the Winningverse, and 'tis very good writing in general as well. Bravo good ser, bravo.
This is at the level of the original thing... The funny being that I almost fore-called that Cloud Kicker knew she was there, being military does that to you...
1416681 seconded.
A note for Twilight: Quantum Physics had proved that it is in fact the very act of observation that alters the event, not whether the subject is aware of the observation - 'pure' research is a myth.
That was amazing, this story is absolutely brilliant and I am very much looking forwards to more. I loved how Cloud Kicker realized Twilight was there and decided to screw with her instead of confronting her. The part with Lyra and Bon Bon was also hilarious with the reference to Lyra wanting to be a human and using a hand spell during sex.
Oh Twilight, you so silly.
I would give it a thumbs up if i could but the previous chapters already took it. Love the ending. and the starting. and the thing between them.
1416737 >relevant
bitch please.
[youtube=RpjmvYbAvhc]
Did anybody else get the feeling that this chapter simultaneously tickled your funny bone pink, while also twisting a knife in your guts?
Study of Winning is definetly a credit to Ponibius dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
I must add, the chapter title is Really Freaking Clever in its double meaning.
The look on her face if she ever figures it out...
You know that Background Pony spell sounds like it could be quite dangerous in the hooves of a pony inclined towards being a shut in, I wonder how much use out of it Twilight got in Canterlot.
Also, Duchess? Nickname, or actual title? The latter is my headcanon anyway so I'm glad to see it here if that's the case.
That was PURE 'winning'.
Ah Cloud Kicker, this is why we love you so.
As soon as she started talking about Twi, I think we all knew she knew.
A Harpflank and Sweets reference?
You sir have won one internet.
profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash4/195764_208840329152232_6312977_n.jpg
'get on me to be quite so that'
Noticed this - which I guess should be 'quiet'? Otherwise good, quite liking it!
J.
That was so perfect, CK is awesome
or at least seems so in this story 
Can't wait for more.
I was a little less pleased with this chapter than the previous two. Just a bunch of small things that got in the way of me really loving it. I feel like you wrote Blossomforth way to meek, normally I picture her getting flustered and embarrassed but she just kinda rolls over. Some issues with phrase repetition, cloud pusher/ing/s being the main culprit, there's one paragraph where its used 3 in out of the 4 sentences. Maybe just throw in some "weather duties" or something to keep it spaced out.
I still liked it but I never got to full on loving it this chapter.
that poor bag
I'm curious to see how the dynamic between Twilight and Cloud Kicker will play out. The teasing relationship with CK and Blossomforth is laid out as justified in the other story because Blossomforth secretly likes the attention, and CK knows it, hence the efforts to embarrass her are supposed to be part of their unspokenly agreed-upon behaviors.
That's not the case with Twilight. Here Twi's taunted into making a scene and embarrassing herself, which one could possibly chalk up as payback for spying on the others but CK makes it clear that she knows it's all part of something she agreed to ahead of time. Which ultimately makes it all for Cloud Kicker's own amusement. Without the underlying friendship and desire that Blossomforth has, such behavior repeatedly aimed at Twilight would just be harassment and make CK a bully, especially since Twilight can't just walk away. (Although CK might not fully understand it, the whole "I want to bang the Princess, think you can arrange that for me?" joke with Twi is pretty much the equivalent of saying the same thing to anyone else about their mother, so it's not exactly surprising that it would come across as an effort to offend and attack when used on someone you hardly know.)
So obviously some kind of workable relationship between the two characters must evolve... I just have no clue what it may be.
Dammit, Pinkie
Also, Cloud Kicker crossed the line from 'merciless teasing' to 'actually being an asshole' here, imo.
That Background pony spell just makes me think of a perception filter from Doctor Who but I really liked the integration into canon.
1416681 Note: Not to be combined with adjusted Eavesdropping Spells. Symptoms of a mistake include pain. Lots of pain. Signs of a mistake: Screaming, covered eyes, more screaming, rolling on the ground in pain (covered). Warning: Ineffective against physics-defying ponies, and Fourth Wall breakers (see Pinkie Pie).
Twilight should have risked Luna's anger; would have been less painful (see above). dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
1417039
I did post some Cloud Kicker on the other "Winning Pony" stories. Like it, but not a huge fan. Besides, it gave me an excuse to watch Steve Vai sexually assault his guitar, for lack of a better phrase.
Duchess - Archer reference?
and love the whole dnd snippet. have
1417357
Thanks for catching that! Fixed.
1416925
You could say it is an inherent flaw in her study.
1417191
Tum tee tee tum.
1417928
Twilight and Cloud Kicker have very much not found an equilibrium to their relationship. They hardly know each other at this point. Cloud Kicker doesn't quite know what Twilight's buttons are and what are and aren't suitable topics with her, and Twilight in turn hasn't decided how best to deal with Cloud Kicker's antics. Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker have had years to find a balance to their relationship, but Cloud Kicker and Twilight's relationship is only beginning. This will be covered in due time.
1421523 well sure, but her mistakes make this story great
I am enjoying this immensely
.
1421011
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Ah, this just gets better and better.
Edit: By the way, you have my compliments for your choice of references. H&S for the win!
Latest chapter is awesome. Though I must be a shut in since I don't get the reference of Sun Flank unless it is referencing Celestia (That was my first and really only guess).
And CK wasn't really being a bully but providing Twilight with highly valuable first hand experience in being a true researcher.
I was going to give all sorts of feedback on the great parts of this chapter, but there were too many. Comedic gold here.
I read that, had a damn good idea that CK knew Twi was listening, and my eye twitched. I've been on the receiving end of a similar enough joke (not sexual in nature, mind you, but still personal enough.) to know how that would end. Pretty much scene for scene. Still found it funny, but less so than it probably is.
I applaud you for broaching that, but... yeah. I'd rather not dig that particular memory up again for a while.
Still. Good chapter, very much in the spirit of it's original.
While a great all around chapter, you won this comment with the D&D reference.
"Report to the ship, We'll bang, OK?"
YESS, There it is!! Just like i wished for in chapter 1 comment section!
Cloud Kicker is the pony version of commander Shepard from gamer poop! My life is now complete
after cloud kicker said she knew i was following her the whole time i would have rage quit
I will admit, I cackled at this, which is bad, considering I'm currently in a library reading this.
You know, considering what we now know re: Cloud Kicker and Shy... this is a hilariously terrible observation on the part of Twilight Sparkle.
Blossomforth frowned at the suggestion. “There again? You know that place makes me uncomfortable because it’s-“
You left out the 'bold' word.
1638983
Thanks for catching that, fixed.
(Gasps at Cloud Kicker's false tales) LIES! LIES AND DECEITS!
1416681
Do not forget the side effects though: hypothermia and an uncontrollable compulsion to compose music...
This study is definitely going to the HPA once Luna is done with it. They will use Twilights reports to measure the quality of their prescribed "protection potions" and to determine how screwed (ha!) Ponyville will be if those methods ever fail or become ineffective.
I took a double take when I reached that conversation about Twilight. That would have been an interesting (albeit OOC from Chengar's established cannon) twist to Cloud Kicker's character; she is merely inventing sordid sexcapades wholesale to boost her self-esteem.
Or if you were to have very loud sex in the middle of some well-trafficked area. That's actually the recommended way to drop a Background Pony spell, even if the naive would think it would be easier to simply stop channeling energy into it and allowing the spell to naturally dissipate.
Clearly, it's a good thing you're doing general background research to get to know your subject before you get into the deep science.
Twi, I hope you plan to edit all of the abrupt subject changes out when you write the actual report. I wouldn't want Luna sending it back marked "F-: This is completely incomprehensible."
You'd best hurry, while supplies of "not involving sex" last.
Also, you know that she's an old friend of Dash's, so you already knew she had at least one friend. Though I get that you are probably uncertain about whether CK and Dash have ever banged. I understand that you don't have the courage to ask.
Well she kind of has to. I mean, just imagine: you spend all day around the pony who's done most of Ponyville, and who is well known to flirt with anything that might have a pulse, and she doesn't hit on you even once. Would you not be insulted? Would your feelings not be hurt? Cloudy would not want to go around hurting ponies' feelings, the way she does it unintentionally all the time notwithstanding.
You know, CK, if you meant it when you said you never would have done it because of Rule 4 and fear of commitment, you really are a terrible pony.
Twi, the plural of "squiggly" is not "squiggly." Also "squiggly" should not be used as a noun in an academic publication.
Twi, you're a big filly now. Ponies are going to expect you to put a little more effort into figuring out big filly things. Every year, that blank stare gets less and less adorable.
What was that party yesterday, anyway? It was a lot like the promotion party, but at this point I think I can officially no longer theorize that the inconsistencies thereof were merely artistic reinterpretation. We've gone beyond that, with the timeline and all.
That's offensive, Twilight. They're not going to suddenly attack and ravage you. Lesbians, donkeys, is any group you don't insult? Did Tia teach you to act like you were raised by timber wolves? (I know better than to say things like "raised in a barn," because I don't insult cows and pigs and such like that.)
You poor, deluded soul.
Rule 5!
Hold on, where did I put that picture . . . You know what, no. That was last story. I've got to vary things sometimes, right? So you all get this one instead:
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDMvMTkvMDJfNTRfMjdfOTUzXzI3NDAyMV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfYW50aHJvX2x5cmEuanBnIl0sWyJwIiwidGh1bWIiLCIyNTB4MjUwIl1d/274021__safe_anthro_lyra_nightmare-fuel_thumbs-up.jpg
Sweet dreams.
Well, I mean, she's as close to being a goddess as mortal ponies get. But I find it hard to believe that anypony who's ever met Twi would believe the intended meaning of that statement. She just oozes virginity. And no way can anypony just instinctively know how to effectively use teleportation in bed.
Slacker.
Once again, it gets the point across, but it's not really proper grammar and you'll need to clean it up for your report. How have you not learned better habits from all the reports you've written in your life?
7/10. Trend's looking good so far.
Aw, come on, Twi, carpe diem! Rule 2 be damned, I'm sure you could convince CK to let you into her bed if you tried. But this opportunity won't last forever. Take it while it lasts, or be forever left wondering what you could have had. CK's not in high demand for nothing.