Chapter 12: Improvisation
“Are we there yet?” Sweetie Belle complained from the back of the row, forcing her way through a particularly nasty mess of brambles.
“No,” Golem stated flatly.
“Is there a long way to go still?”
“Yes.”
She and Scootaloo let out collective groans. By now, all three fillies were covered in small nicks and scratches from grasping vines and thorns. They had been walking through the Everfree Forest for hours, following the steady and relentless advance of the clay pony at the front. Although Golem was able to flatten some of the undergrowth under its hooves, there was still enough left to be a bother for the fillies. Only Apple Bloom seemed to be in as high spirits as ever.
“This is stupid. Why would anypony ever have walked this way? There’s not even a path to walk on!” Scootaloo snapped in frustration as a stubborn vine refused to let go of her right hind leg.
“Well, maybe there once was. The forest can’t have been here forever, right? Maybe this was a road back when Tincoat lived!” Apple Bloom suggested cheerfully, even as a thin branch swiped her across the cheek. “Ouch! Think about it, we could be the first ponies in a thousand years to be walkin’ this way!”
“Yeah, I’m just giddy with excitement,” Sweetie Belle muttered quietly.
Eventually the density of the forest began to thin, and the group finally stepped out into the open again, revealing a sloping landscape full of green hills and blanketed in a fine, light mist. A dirt road wove its way towards a small village nestled at the top of one such hill. Far off in the distance, a towering, snow-capped mountain was visible, which Golem was making a beeline for.
“So, uhm, Golem, if’n ya don’t mind me askin’, how d’ya know which way to go?” Apple Bloom asked. “Ah know ya said somethin’ ’bout followin’ a trail an’ all, but—”
“The Sixth traveled in many different directions. The trail we follow is the most recent. It points to that mountain,” Golem replied.
“An’ ya can tell this even though the trail’s over a thousand years old?” the farmfilly asked in amazement.
“Yes.”
“Hey, AB, not to interrupt your little chat with clay-face there, but if we’re gonna send that letter back home, maybe we should head to that town over there and do it? You know, before the grown-ups start crawling the walls or something,” Scootaloo interjected before Apple Bloom could ask another question.
“Oh, yeah, right! Good thinkin’, Scoots.” She turned towards Golem, who had stopped a bit further ahead and was now looking back towards them. “C’mon, Golem, we just gotta make a detour into the town over there.”
“The trail does not lead that way,” it stated flatly.
Apple Bloom smiled as she followed Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle towards the town. “We gotta tell our family that we’re goin’ away for a while, it won’t take long.”
“This delay is pointless,” Golem protested in the same flat monotone.
“What, you’re in a rush or something? You’ve been waiting a thousand years; you can wait a few hours more,” Scootaloo shot back at the clay pony.
“I have not. Those that came before me were the ones that waited. I only—”
“Whatever.”
“I hope they normally have better weather around here than this, or somepony was having a laugh when they named this town,” Sweetie Belle remarked with a glance towards the sky, the sun hidden behind a layer of white clouds.
The town—which a signpost at the road told the fillies was named Sunny Hill—was a small hamlet not even half the size of Ponyville. It had a town square and a wide street leading in and out of settlement, but apart from that, the houses were placed haphazardly, with some built directly into the slope of the hill, others placed on stilted platforms to provide an even surface. The town seemed largely empty, though lights in the houses and a faint murmur from what looked like a tavern indicated that the denizens were merely indoors.
“You sure it was a good idea to bring it along? Ponies are probably going to notice,” Scootaloo pointed out with a nod towards Golem, who was looming behind them.
“It’s got a name,” Apple Bloom admonished the pegasus. “But you’re probably right.” She looked over her shoulder. “Hey, Golem, why don’tcha wait here while we go send that letter?”
“Very well,” the clay pony replied.
“Let’s just hope nopony comes outside and wonders why there’s a new statue in the middle of their town,” Sweetie Belle said to no one in particular as the three fillies headed towards the post office, identified as such because of the wooden sign with a letter carved into it hanging above the doorway. A lime-coloured mare with a yellow mane sat at the desk reading a newspaper. Apple Bloom walked up to the mailpony and cleared her throat.
“’Scuse me, miss, but we’d like to send a letter.”
“Well, you’re in luck, then. This is a post office. Leave your letter by the desk and it’ll be sent along with the next batch,” the mare replied without looking up from the newspaper.
“Well, uh, it just so happens we ain’t got it written yet. Ya reckon we could borrow some paper?”
“Over in the corner,” came the terse reply, a hoof gesturing at a table by the window with a small stack of papers on top of it.
Apple Bloom looked at her two friends, who both gave little shrugs, before all three moved over to the table. They each grabbed a piece of paper and began to scribble their own letters in various degrees of shaky mouthwriting. After finishing, they pushed the letters over the desk towards the mailpony, who gave them a cursory look.
“You forgot the stamps,” she said.
The three fillies exchanged glances. “Stamps?” Apple Bloom asked hesitantly. None of them had so much as a single bit between them.
“Stamps,” the mailpony repeated in a slightly exasperated voice, giving the three fillies a look of mild annoyance. “No stamps, no delivery. Sorry.”
“But we don’t have any stamps!” Scootaloo protested. This had not been part of the plan.
“Then I’m afraid I can’t help you. Best go ask your parents for the bits. It's one bit for twenty stamps,” the mare replied, going back to her newspaper.
“Now what do we do?” Scootaloo whispered to Apple Bloom, but before she could reply, Sweetie Belle spoke up in the most plaintive, heart-wrenching voice known to ponykind.
“But… but we got lost during a field excursion with our class,” she sniffled. “A-and now we can’t find our way back home to Ponyville, and it’s been almost a day now, and”—tears were welling up in her eyes all of a sudden, and in a stunning imitation of Rarity when she was at her best, Sweetie Belle broke into full-on gushing wailing—“and we just miss our families so muuuuuch!”
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at their friend in surprise for a moment, before catching on to her act and putting on their own best pouting and mournful expressions. The mailpony’s expression turned to one full of concern in an instant.
“Oh my goodness, I had no idea! I’m so sorry! I’ll make sure these are sent right away! You said you needed these sent to Ponyville, right?” The three fillies nodded in unison, Sweetie Belle still making pitiful little sobbing sounds. The mailpony grabbed the letters in her mouth and disappeared through a door at the back of the office, returning a few moments later.
“There, the letters will be on their way in just a little while. Your parents will know soon and come pick you up, I’m sure. If you’re hungry, head on over to the bakery on the other side of the street. Just tell the owner that Clover sent you, and he’ll give you something to eat, no charge.” She smiled comfortingly at the three fillies, who all looked a bit taken aback at the sudden kindness shown by the previously dismissive mare. Apple Bloom had the presence of mind to speak up first.
“Wow, thank ya kindly, miss! That’s real nice of ya!” She beamed at the mailpony, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo nodded enthusiastically in agreement. Clover smiled warmly at them.
“Oh, don’t worry about it, dear. You should’ve mentioned that you were lost sooner. Now go on, I’m sure you all must be starving by now.”
“Well, that went better’n Ah expected,” Apple Bloom said upon exiting the post office. Behind the building, unseen by all three, a pegasus with a pair of saddlebags took off in the direction of Ponyville.
“Yeah, that was some quick thinking back there, Sweetie Belle. Nice going on the whole crying act,” Scootaloo said with a grin and nudged Sweetie Belle playfully in the side.
“Thanks,” Sweetie Belle murmured with a sheepish little smile. “Though I feel a little bad for abusing her trust and generosity like that. She was such a nice pony, after all.”
“Maybe, but I’m not going to say no to free—uh oh.” Scootaloo tensed and looked over to where they had left Golem. Two young stallions were eyeing the clay pony curiously.
“Should’ve seen that coming,” Sweetie Belle muttered.
“So long as it doesn’t talk or move, we’ll be fine,” Apple Bloom replied in a low voice.
“Since when did we get a new statue for the town square?” one of the stallions asked his friend.
“I am not a statue,” came the ethereal reply. Both stallions let out little yelps of surprise and looked at the clay pony with wide eyes.
“What in Equestria—” the second stallion blurted.
“Oh, horseapples,” Apple Bloom cursed.
Once again, Sweetie Belle seized the initiative, sprinting over to Golem before her friends could react. She pulled to a gliding halt next to the clay pony with a dramatic flourish.
“That’s right, it’s not a statue, it’s Claypoh N. E., the amazing talking puppet of the even more amazing ventriloquist, Sweetie Belle… Me!” she announced in one breath, flashing a pearly white smile at the two stallions.
“Ventrilo-what?” Scootaloo mouthed to Apple Bloom, who merely shrugged helplessly in response.
The two stallions exchanged glances. “It’s… a puppet?” one of them, an earth pony with a dark grey coat and white mane, asked with a look at the clay pony.
“No,” came the reply from Golem. Sweetie Belle nudged the leg of the clay pony.
“Oh, Claypoh, don’t be like that.” Sweetie Belle giggled, flashing another smile at the stallions. “It doesn’t really like being called a puppet.”
The other stallion, a pegasus with a dusty brown coat and a short-cropped red mane, looked from Sweetie Belle to Golem and back again.
“So… it’s you doing the talking?” he asked carefully.
“No, it is not,” Golem said.
“Oh no, it’s not me, it’s Claypoh,” Sweetie Belle replied with an exaggerated, conspiratorial wink at the stallions. The two ponies exchanged glances, before starting to chuckle.
“You know, you’re actually really good at that!” the earth pony said with a smile.
“Yeah, you should come give a show in the tavern. I bet everypony would be amazed! I sure am,” the pegasus agreed. Sweetie Belle bowed deeply.
“Claypoh N. E. and I will be sure to consider your suggestion. But right now, we need to get some food. Claypoh is getting awfully hungry.”
“No, I am not.”
The stallions chuckled again and headed towards the tavern, chatting with each other while occasionally looking over their shoulder at Golem. When they disappeared inside, Sweetie Belle let out a sigh of relief and sat down on her rump. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, who had both stood rooted to the spot in front of the post office, as absorbed by the spectacle as the stallions had been, rushed over to their friend.
“Great jumpin’ pony on a pogo stick, Sweetie Belle, that was amazin’! Where’d ya get that from?” Apple Bloom exclaimed in admiration. The unicorn filly gave a little shrug.
“I… don’t know. It just jumped into my mind. It seemed like something Pinkie Pie would do. So crazy it might work.”
“At this rate, you’re going to get your Cutie Mark in telling lies,” Scootaloo said in a teasing voice, grinning. Sweetie Belle looked at her in alarm.
“There’s no such thing as a Cutie Mark for lying, is there? I really, really don’t want something like that! Oh, please tell me there’s nothing!” she blurted, trying frantically to look at her own flank.
“Nope. Still blank,” Scootaloo confirmed after a moment. Sweetie Belle let out a sigh of relief.
“Phew. That’s got to be the first time I’m glad to hear that,” she breathed.
“Speakin’ of lyin’, though, we should probably consider hightailin’ it outta here before we draw more attention. We already got one pony thinkin’ we’re lost foals, while another two think Sweetie Belle is some kinda crazy carny,” Apple Bloom pointed out.
“But what about the free food from the bakery?” Scootaloo protested.
“It don’t feel right abusin’ that nice mailpony’s trust just to snag some free lunch.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” the pegasus filly admitted grudgingly.
“Besides, if I have to come up with another lie, I think my head is going to burst,” Sweetie Belle muttered.
“Why? You seem to be doing pretty good at it so far,” Scootaloo said with a smirk.
“Scootaloo!”
“What? Too soon?”
“Does this mean this delay is over?” the ethereal voice of Golem asked, snapping them out of their light-hearted bickering.
“Yeah yeah, don’t get your mane in a bunch. We’re going,” Scootaloo grumbled.
“So, how long do you think it’ll take until the letters reach Ponyville?” Sweetie Belle asked as they followed Golem out of town and resumed their course towards the distant mountain. “I mean, I know we’re not supposed to let them catch up to us, but I also really want to make sure they don’t worry that we’ve been foalnapped or something.”
“Ah ain’t sure. Ah reckon it’ll be a couple of hours or somethin’, maybe even a day. Ah mean, they probably only deliver mail once a day or somethin’, so we should have plenty of time ta get ahead,” Apple Bloom replied with a strained smile. “Besides, Ah’m sure they won’t be that upset. We did tell ’em we were havin’ a sleepover, an’ we kind of are. It’s just outdoors. An’ for several days.”
“If you say so,” Scootaloo said with less conviction.
“Yeah, Ah’m sure.” Apple Bloom trotted ahead of her two friends, her smile vanishing as soon as they could no longer see her face. It was replaced by a tense, nervous grimace along with a growing leaden weight in the pit of her stomach. “Really sure… Won’t be upset at all… No way…”
Less than an hour later, Glider was making his third and final delivery, this one at Sweet Apple Acres. The pegasus mailpony had been informed by his boss, Clover, that there was an emergency, and that he had to deliver three letters to their recipients on the double. Sunny Hill was hardly the busiest of towns, so getting to deliver something that was actually labeled as urgent was a refreshing change of pace. As he flew over the apple orchard, he caught sight of a mare dragging a cartful of apples towards the nearby farmhouse. He touched down next to her and cleared his throat.
“Excuse me, miss, are you Applejack? And if you aren’t, do you know where I can find her?”
“Yeah, Ah’m Applejack. Why?” the farmpony inquired with a raised eyebrow, nudging her hat back a bit.
“Got a letter addressed to you, miss. Express delivery.”
Applejack took the proffered letter and gave a grunt of acknowledgement as the mailpony took off again. As she quickly read the letter through, her expression changed from curious to perplexed and finally to incredulous as she finished reading.
“Ya gotta be kiddin’ me,” she murmured. She shrugged out of the cart’s harness and began to gallop towards Ponyville.
“Mac! Take the cart! Ah gotta go find the girls!” she called over her shoulder. There was a faint “Eeeeyup” in reply.
“Ya really gone done it this time, missy,” Applejack hissed between clenched teeth.
Stats
Page generated in 0.021 seconds
Total duration
749 users online
955,847 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Umm... If you don't mind.. I'm um.. gonna post first.
I.. I really like your story so far, um.. Squinty. I uh, really can't wait for the next chapter.
Whoo! I was actually hoping to read the letter. you know the crap kids write. "we gone exploring across equestria.. be back soon!"
Lovely story Squinty. I'm really impressed by.. well everything, like I said the characters are on point and now we have this intriguing story, thats a mix of adventure and mystery with some humour. Its such a pleasant read. I don't know why your fic isn't featured, half the crap in that box don't deserve the spot. I suppose thats just luck and politics. Either way, aslong as you keep writing, i'll keep reading.
1684053
It's always nice to feel appreciated, so thank you!
1684465
Thank you for the kind words. I do try to strike a balance between the humourous moments that are bound to arise from the Crusaders' antics and some of the more serious-faced stuff, and also to provide my own little spin on the characters without deviating too far from the established stuff.
Regarding the feature box, well, if I'm lucky and the stars align, perhaps it'll pop up there some day. For now, it's enough knowing that you guys read and enjoy the stuff I write.
Warning: This comment contains spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
I know you've been waiting for this for a long time, Squinty, and here it is. I will be commenting on the things you asked for, mainly characterization and narrative strength, as well as commenting on other things. I advise you to take caution with this "critique"; even though it's meant to help you, there may be some things said that may go against your style that you won't want to implement. Keep that in mind.
Now, I need to get this out of the way before I say anything: I really like what you have here thus far. It's something I'll be keeping an eye on (as in favoriting), that's for sure.
Critique Timez!!
Let me begin with grammar. I do know that English is your second language, so I would like to point something out that, throughout your entire story, bothered me:
My main complaint, something you do consistently, is end your quotes awkwardly. I believe it definitely works to your detriment. When you end a paragraph with a character saying something, you either need to complete the quote like this:
(also acceptable)
OR end it by cutting it off like this:
Ending it with a comma like you have is not correct. There are also a few time you end it awkwardly in the middle of a paragraph or as its own paragraph. I'll point them out, and show you how it should be.
When the thing directly after the quote is a non-speaking action (like nodding or, in this case, beaming), the quote needs to end with a period or exclamation mark, and the next word be capitalized.
You don't put *character* said after a question mark. That needs to be either "asked" or "inquired" or something along those lines.
That last part was not asked, so that's the wrong word in this case. You should either do away with that last part
Or rearrange it so the "she asked" is actually describing something being asked
I don't think you did this incorrect thing:
My final bit of advice on this: Don't end a paragraph with a comma. I can't think of a situation where this is acceptable.
There weren't any other consistent grammar errors you made that I noticed. You used the correct its/it's most if not all of the time, as well as the correct led/lead. I commend you on that.
Your writing style is fluid to me; it reads very well. I do feel like you rush things, like the school day (which I think could've been a good point for suspicion and characterization—since characterization's such a big deal, I felt like focusing on how the schoolmates reacted to the CMC would've been interesting) and, like 1684465 said, the letters. That's my largest problem with your style, though. I don't think it was ever redundant, and you didn't focus on unnecessary details (that I can recall). You had a nice variation in style, so I commend you on that.
Getting to more important matters!
I have to praise you on your setting. You vary it up nicely, and you don't draw attention to it when the plot's at hand. It's vivid enough, which is a very good thing.
Now to the two things you mainly want: narrative strength and characterization. This requires that I observe each character's current storyline, as well as the overall main plotline.
Let me begin with
, since she seems to be the main character. Out of all the characters, she's probably the weakest characterized. You say that they, whoever they are, were drew her to create it, but first it had her go through a bunch of superfluous books to get to that particular entry? That doesn't make sense (unless her newfound knowledge of travel will play a role later on). She doesn't have much of anything to conquer, I don't think. She was just driven to make this thing, and then guide it to you-know-what.
Those comments from
about her reading not being right are nice, even though I question Applejack not looking at the books Apple Bloom has, if it really bothered her. I do think that may strengthen your story, if you made her a bit more prying.
I kinda don't think you've utilized
well. I like what you're doing with her, but you have her set up as a mediator for Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash, and there's very little execution going on there. I don't know what you're planning, but take it as you will.
The other characters are nice. I like your characterization.
Now there's the plot with Golem, and here's where I have to begin complaining. First off, I don't like how it's just Apple Bloom it's inclined to; given the strength of the CMC's bond and the focus on relationships, I find it a tad frustrating that Apple Bloom was the only one that could create this. This is most likely a personal complaint, though, so take it as you will.
The fact that Golem has a mission, but won't say anything about it, bothers me as well. I could call this weak characterization on its part, as this thing's come to life to get a mission done that five others also needed to do (in a very confusing explanation), or I could call it just making this thing more mindlessly-determined. I dunno, I think Golem's characterization is shaky.
Suggestions for this story:
-Have Apple Bloom go through some problems. She's beginning to drift to Mary Sue territory.
-Have Fluttershy either take a more active role in the RD-Scoots relationship or step out of it entirely
-Perhaps have Sweetie Belle miss Rarity a bit.
-Have Burning Ember and Rainbow Dash have more time together
-Get to a main point of this journey soon; it's dragging on a bit, almost too long
-Have Applejack reminisce about her travelling as a filly
-Have Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo have more of an influence on Golem
-Watch how you end your dialogue.
And there are my suggestions. I like your story thus far, and I will be keeping my eye on it. Take my suggestions as you will, and feel free to ignore some if you feel like it will work against your story. I wish you the best of your talents with this!
And now the race is on.
I was momentarily worried when they came across that town it would be a "story of the blanks" style ghost town.
If they don't get hurt in this misadventure AJ, Rarity, and a few others will probably be happy to conjure up some tender behinds for them to sit on for the next month.
After Celestia and Luna AJ is probably the pony I would want to avoid cheesing off the most if I valued my ribs staying in this county