Chapter 1
--Chapter One--
You Pervert
or
Learning With Portals
"This one looks interesting," remarked Twilight Sparkle as she lifted an exceptionally old book from its place.
She was browsing the restricted section of the Canterlot Royal Library. With things calming down after the changeling invasion, Twilight was having trouble keeping her mind occupied in Ponyville as winter started to set in and everypony went about their seasonal activities. Twilight wasn't exactly fond of winter, so she decided to ask Princess Celestia for permission to enter the restricted section in order to learn more advanced forms of magic.
"The restricted section is filled with books and scrolls from as far back as 10,000 years that have been deemed a potential risk to the reader or those around her." Twilight hung her head, thinking the Princess was going to refuse her request. "However, as my personal student, the Element of Magic, and having defeated many a foe who would have otherwise destroyed all of Equestria, I have faith in your ability to determine what might be too dangerous to use. Feel free to use the restricted section but please remember the potential danger involved."
Twilight was suddenly beaming with joy as the Princess unlocked the door to the restricted section.
Back at the library, Twilight added the book 'Trans-Dimensional Portals' to her saddlebag along with scrolls on ancient unicorn magic from before the forming of Equestria. While the scrolls were slightly tattered, the book appeared to be in pristine condition despite being anywhere from 7,500 to 10,000 years old based on the style of binding. The only flaw she could see was that the name of the author had been removed.
"This should keep me busy for quite some time. I ought to get back to the library, it's getting late."
----------
"Hey Porter!"
Responding to his name, the seventeen year old turned around, only to be greeted by a football colliding with his face. The impact caused him to stagger backwards as he regained his balance. Regaining control of himself, he looked from the football at his feet to the group of students it had come flying from. Letting out an inaudible sigh, he scooped up the football and threw it back to the others. Giving them a slight wave, he walked through the entrance of a path that went into the nearby woods.
"I don't get it. Why didn't he get mad?"
The majority of the group turned to look at the freshman who had spoken.
"You really don't know? That's Lee Porter. He use to be the unofficial king of this school. He was a real terror. They say when anyone did him any wrong, his eyes would almost light up with the anger that would flow through him."
"What changed? Why didn't he just charge up here and try to tear your arms off?" The freshman was confused, to say the least.
"Who knows. All I see is the bastard who put me in a dumpster taking a football to the face. And he ain't stoppin' me."
----------
"This place is so far away from Ponyville. It's no wonder I've never seen it before."
Twilight had studied the book 'Trans-Dimensional Portals' that she had borrowed on her way back home and discovered the location of one such portal, some miles from Ponyville near a far off edge of the Everfree Forest. Eager to discover what secrets it held, she took off without even stopping by the library to tell Spike where she was going.
Twilight stood at the edge of the Everfree Forest, staring at what appeared to be an old stone gathering circle. It was covered in small plants and looked as thought it hadn't been used in centuries. There were a few broken pillars around the edge of the circle as well as statues of very odd creatures. Each statue had a stone bowl at its feet with a small black candle at the bottom. Twilight had never seen such creatures before. Almost all of them had an intimidating look about them, except for one.
A tall creature stood out from the others. It had no visible fangs or claws and did not appear to have any form of armor plating, natural or crafted. And it stood on two legs, despite not having any tail to maintain its balance. "It must have simply fell off over the years" Twilight said to herself.
Removing the special book from her saddlebag, she lay on the edge of the stone circle and began to study in greater detail how the portal was suppose to work. Time passed as Twilight lay there, lost in her studies. A wind came in from the forest and started to flip the pages of the book. Twilight simply cast a personal barrier bubble around herself to block out the wind and continued to read.
An hour had passed. With a sudden glint in her eye, she shut the book, stood up and went about clearing the circle of all the overgrown plants. "Alright. I've cleared the portal area. Next, I need to light one of the candles." Looking back to the spread of fearsome statues that lined the outer circle of the portal, she looked upon the tall creature again. "This seems the safest bet. May as well start here." She quickly lit the candle with her unicorn magic and went back to the center of the circle.
"Light candle.... check. All that's left is to channel the keystone." Placed in the very center of the circle was a small pedestal with a stone sphere placed on top. Carved into it was a rune she was unfamiliar with. Placing both hooves on the pedestal, she began to channel magic from her horn into the sphere. As she did, the rune on its face began to glow a bright blue. Once the rune was fully lit, the blue light started to seep out like a liquid down the sides of the pedestal, slowly filling in carved lines in the stone base that had remained unseen in the failing light.
The wind from the forest picked up again and Twilight began to back away from the center circle, her eyes torn between staying wide open to witness the event or closing to avoid the wind.
----------
Reaching the end of the wooded trail, the trees parted to reveal Lee's apartment building on the other side of a somewhat busy road. He made his way across the street, checked the mailbox and then headed inside. Once inside, he began to relax, setting down his book bag and allowing his coat to slide off his shoulders. The bag held the books he needed for class that day along with his laptop and emergency note supplies. He then removed his cap, revealing his short brown hair which had a red streak on one side, and set about preparing to enjoy his afternoon. He started a fresh batch of tea ,threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave and adjusted his thermostat to maintain the current level of warmth his apartment held.
He then walked over to his bookshelf and, after a few minutes of self-debate, chose to start re-reading his copy of 'Brisingr' by Christopher Paolini. Setting the book and his glasses down on the rather small coffee table, he headed for the restroom. Grabbing the doorknob, he swung the door open. His jaw dropped.
Standing in his bathroom was a young woman. Lee wasn't wearing his glasses so she was not instantly recognizable. She had a towel wrapped around her midsection, held a brush in her right hand and an mp3 player in the other. She didn't hear Lee enter the building because of the music. To make things worse, she was suddenly startled when he opened the bathroom door, causing her towel to fall to the floor.
Neither Lee nor the woman moved or broke eye contact for about 20 seconds. After the shock had worn off, her face turned red, almost matching her hair color.
"Lee..." Squinting his eyes, he recognized his neighbor and childhood friend, Sierra.
"Geez! I know you have trouble holding onto a girlfriend but that doesn't mean you can just ogle me whenever you feel like it!"
"Why are you naked in my bathroom!?"
"Because my shower is broken. Because I asked your permission to use yours until it gets fixed. Because I was here yesterday, taking a shower, at this exact same time!" Her whole body began to shake as Lee took a step back, realizing exactly how much pain was headed his way.
"I didn't mean to! I'm sorry!"
She launched herself at him screaming "Pervert!"
He felt his body hit the ground as he fell backwards in an attempt to avoid the impact. However, what he felt underneath him definitely was NOT his floor. It felt like he landed on solid stone. And that hurt. With a pain filled grunt, he forced himself into a sitting position and took in his surroundings. He was right next to a stone pedestal which had blue lines glowing brightly down it's side. It also appeared to be at the center of a large stone circle.
"Odd place... how did I get here? And where's Sierra?"
Utterly confused by this recent turn of events, he reached up to scratch his head. But instead of fingers, he felt a solid lump rubbing his head. Quickly taking his hand off his head and bringing it into view, he began hyperventilating. He saw that, instead of a hand, he was looking at a hoof!
"That's not mine! Where's my hand?!"
He attempted to stand up but came crashing backwards, unable to hold his balance on two legs. He frantically turned his head to see what the problem was. What he saw made his pupils constrict. Not only had his feet turned to hooves as well, he had....
"Wings?!?"
----------
Twilight was shocked by this. All her hard work to open a portal to another dimension and all she had to show for it was a pegasus who acted like he belonged in the Trottingham Mental Asylum. Needless to say, she was aggravated. However, being one of the elements of harmony, she couldn't let this soul crushing failure blind her to the fact that somepony needed her help.
She was about to introduce herself to the deranged pegasus when he took one of his wings in his mouth and began pulling at it, as if he was attempting to remove it from his body!
"Stop that! You'll hurt yourself!"
The pegasus froze. Releasing his wing, he slowly turned his head towards her.
"Did you... just speak?" His eyes displayed a look of severe horror.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Um.... yes. Yes I did. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm sorry for bringing you here. I was trying a new spell but it seems to have misfired. What's your name?"
The pegasus sat still with his mouth ajar for a few moments. His eyes them proceeded to roll into the back of his head and he passed out on the stone floor.
"Well that was interesting alright..."
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Hello. I'm The Disturbed Brony. I've got a slightly more detailed description of me in my blog.
As this is my first fan-fic, I have one request:
Be brutally honest
. Throw it all at me. I want to know everything!
I hope you enjoy!
That was........GREAT!!M good job!!
interesting
Please, continue.
"Be brutally honest?" Okay.
You're doing something that a lot of writers, even good ones, do. It's called "telling, not showing." Basically, you're cramming details in rather than letting them be revealed gradually through the story. For instance, you spend two solid paragraphs describing Lee's appearance, mannerisms, and everything he carried with him. There's nothing wrong with talking about all that, but spread it out a little and make it relevant to the plot so it doesn't feel like an info-dump.
Speaking of paragraphs, yours might be a little on the long side. Also, very important, make sure you begin a new one each time a new character speaks.
And that very last line: "Well was interesting alright..." seems to be missing a word or two.
I'll follow this and see where it goes.
Hmm feels like the intro from Girls Bravo. Apart from the things mentioned in the previous post, I didn't see any major issues. I hope you keep writing.
You're already doing better than I am with my first fanfic... maybe I should be jealous...
29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg
I have no real things to point out, because its already been said.
I find this a good story, so I'll keep watching this.
1363815 Thank you for pointing that out to me. I've already filled in the missing word at the end and i'll be trying to take your advice when writing future chapters.
1363938 Never heard of it. I'll see if it's on netflix or just try and find an online version of the first episode and get back to you. Other than that, I'm glad you like it!
1364350
Here, it's around the 4 min mark.
Edit: Not only did I get the initial time wrong (30s? not so much), I also forgot to mention the mature content.
1364356 Well that's just great.
Now I gotta watch EVERY episode... you know... to rule out any ideas that I had for this story that would coincide with that show.
And no other reason at all...
1364380
Well, I highly doubt your character is allergic to girls. I just thought you were doing a shout-out to the anime. Don't worry about it. Other than the initial scene, there is very little correlation between your fic and the show.
Edit:
So far so good. You got a like and a watch from me. Just one problem. I'm no grammar Nazi (my grammar such too much for that), but the one thing that does bother me is when people don't start new paragraphs when someone else speaks. It makes it hard to follow the conversation.
this waz awesom,e efiouvfivadeoigyvaulygilgilgiliurjkg
lol sorry. great story favourted
i am chinese so i no now english
1365241 Are you seriously Chinese or are you faking it? If so, stop it. If not, I don't mind. Just don't fake being Chinese. It's not nice.
Also, a little tip; don't make comments like that. This is NOT Facebook!
Just capitalize and make sure to keep the sentences readable. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the way it has to be.
Another thing, don't use 'lol' too often. That's what I meant when I said that this wasn't Facebook.
Great tip: If your not sure about the spelling of a word, put it into the search bar in the browser. It should give you the correct spelling.
The premise for this is enough for an instant like and favorite. Can't wait for more!
First sentence should have a comma after the end of Twilight's line, then "its" instead of "it's". Changeling is spelt wrongly. I think "wasn't exactly fond" instead of "wasn't entirely fond" would sound better, but that's just a personal choice.
Next paragraph - "as my personal student" sounds more formal, "Element of Magic" needs a comma after it, "but please remember the potential" sounds more like Celly.
Third para - "I had better head back to Ponyville now." I can't imagine Twi saying this... "I ought to get back to the library, it's getting late." maybe?
Fourth para - "from school taking his usual" should have a comma between school and taking, the mp3 sentence doesn't seem necessary at all, just mention his music.
Fifth para - "very kind hearted.. Yes, he did prefer his privacy. Yes, he did prefer to read a good book rather than talk about current events with people he hardly knew. It's those reasons he" Should be either "..." or "." Get rid of the second yes and put a semicolon in its place. "It's for those reasons".
And I'm not even half-way through!
)
(you did say brutally honest
1365466
Please continue
1365497
I messaged you.
I translated "Equus Non Grata " and I got "Horse Not With joy". Is that anything like it was supposed to mean?
1365697 I was under the impression it meant "An unwelcome pony(horse)"
1365740I see. Well, it wasn't.
So, being brutally honest like you asked, your story structure is not very good. It reads more like a manual for something than a novel. It's mostly because of the fact that you are telling rather than showing, as TNaB said. Also, Twilight seems to be acting a little bit out of character, especially with the way she is talking/thinking. I have a hard time imagining her saying a lot of those things. Basically, I can see a lot of room for improvement, however, if you follow the good advice you are getting, you'll become better in no time.
1365841
I did a google translate and it gave me "A horse is not welcome" Worded different than I thought but it has the same effect.
Brutally honest?
Okay... *gasp* 
outta 
. Improve your story line and grammar a little bit more and you earn that last mustache.
You have good promise, but it can be improved. I cant really say anything that hasn't been said already, but just follow the guidelines said before and I think you will improve greatly. And that's saying something, considering I am a famous Grammar Nazi.
Oh, by the way, whats the purpose of Sierra, anyway? I mean, other then sending Lee into Equestria by accident? Is she a one time use character, or does she play a more crucial role on the story?
My rating:
1366203 Sierra will be a key role when Lee and Twili make it to earth.
That should be either equus non gratus (for the masculine) or, more likely, equa non grata (for the feminine).
(That's actually "horse", of course (of course), but it'll do well enough for "pony".)
1366361 Since the true focus is on how twilight will handle being on earth, go for feminine?
Interesting... I just skip by most stories, but this isn't half-bad. You have earned a mustache.
Premise: Meh, but could go interesting places.
Execution: I'll wait to see where this goes
Advice: Get a proofreader.
See all that, right up there? That is poor writing. You've lectured the reader on all the different parts of Lee that make up, well, Lee. There are two outcomes for a reader: One, the reader assumes he or she is being talked down to because you assumed the reader couldn't figure out what makes Lee tick without spelling it out; Two, the reader gets bored because nothing happens at all in these two paragraphs.
When you introduce a character for the first time, ESPECIALLY a main character, have them do something that reveals a bit about themselves. You're giving away the game by listing out trait after trait, and throwing away the opportunity for your character to make a good impression on the reader. Instead of telling the reader Lee likes nature, have a scene where Lee walks out of the school. He can chat a bit about education with a friend, then decline an offered ride or leave his pal at the bus stop. Have him smell the flowers/actively look for leaf piles to crunch. Have him DO something.
If/when you rewrite this, I'd put about 2-4k words dedicated to establishing who Lee is through action, not narration.
anypony know an easy way to find humanized pony stories?
1367206
Ouch. I asked for harsh and I got harsh.
Excuse me while I go sit in the corner and re-think my life
(joking aside, I really appreciate all the criticism I've been getting.)
BRILLIENT
and the moment for the shower scene did remind me of Girls Bravo which is nice if it wasnt intentional since that show was totaly awesome yet...completly a pointless show 
BUT i love this story so far though i'd ask that you keep being awesome and wright as you intend (your currect character only relations to Girls Bravo's boy is not realy being liked by anyone but his childhood friend at the begining anyway! 
) thats all for that 
1367319
My criticisms have been criticized for being harsh before. Just remember to never take it personal!
1367506
Wouldn't dream of it!
1363938 that's
JUST what i was thinking
1367319
I find that curiosity and the urge to understand is one of the driving forces behind a lot of things, reading included. As 1367206 said, discovery and development is a huge part of making interesting characters and stories. If you unload all of your information in one go, there is nothing to learn about the character, leaving the reader with a boring protagonist. Withholding and slowly feeding the reader background information about the character keeps the character interesting.
On a slightly different note, your 'info dump' on Lee really only led me to one conclusion: He's pretty much the same as every other human that gets teleported to Equestria in everyone else's HiE wish fulfillment fics.
You know, for your first fanfiction it's pretty good. Spelling and grammar seems to be at a reasonable level, but there were a few things that I'd like to suggest:
Have you ever heard of 'Show, don't tell'? I find myself talking about this a lot, so I've written up a blog post showing my understanding of what it is, and how to implement it. That post can be found here. Basically, you write in a way that goes along the lines of: "She did this, this happened, she did that." Take a look at the link, or just google 'Show, don't tell', as I think it could be very beneficial.
Before I begin on this point, let me say that the orange text isn't a very good choice of words. Human's don't have 'back feet', we've just got feet.
Now that I've said that, take a look at the red text. This is one of my pet hates when it comes to writing, and it is the use of full caps when someone is shouting. Personally, I hate this. It looks unprofessional and derails my immersion in the same way that a sudden change in font size would. The exclamation mark was invented for a reason; Use it!
Finally, try and get into the habit of starting a new line whenever someone finishes speaking. The current state will become bloody confusing if multiple characters have a large conversation.
Personally, I didn't like it. Just the idea of a teenager getting thrown into Equestria is usually enough to turn me off a story like a puppy from an umbrella unless it has amazing writing and an engaging story. I might come back and add to this if I think of anything else.
Have a good day/night.
-Sparklight
1367506
That's not harsh! You stated facts and not once were you abusive about it. I've had a critic compare me to a six year old child with ADHD.
Brisingr! ....
Very cool story so far, as far as the idea behind it goes. Will follow for more...
Learning with portals?
Does that mean she'll be thinking with portals soon?
Hmm... I'll admit that I've read better but after some consideration I'll be looking forward to future chapters.
I have my doubts about reading this, but I'll give it a chance and see where this is going. Brb with an edit.
Edit: Why choose a name like Lee?
While the concept is overused, your characters seem more interesting, though I can't explain why. I was especially amused by the fact that he tried to pull his own wings off, though it makes no sense to do that. -shrug- It was just funny.
..Is this a self insert per chance?
Ohh great, so thats where I left my old copy of that book . . . Why did I even write that in the first place!? Ohh well, it doesn't come close to the level of True Magic anyways. If anything its a fragment. . . Still, even a fragment can do much damage. . . I should go and get it huh. . .
Good story so far, good story. Always interesting when Twi comes to Earth as a Human. What will she learn about on this journey hmm?
"...telling Spike where she went. Typical." Alright, explain to me where that Typical came from. It sure wasn't Spike thinking it.
1366059 well google translate always is the most reliable translator out there...
...Go one.
COMMENCE THE LURKING, WATCHING, AND SOON FAVORING!
You have been put on my favorites, seems cool even though i don't really like Twilight, are you going to be putting in other characters from the mane 6? But other than that AWESOME!!!!!
I liked it.
However, judging from your character reading Brisingr, I take that you still like Paoplini. Read Lord of the Rings. It's the same thing but better.
Only thing that gets on my nerves; don't worry, it's not really a problem, is when authors dont use commas when they should. It's not bad, J.R.R. Tolkein even did this and he's fine.
Anyway, liked and fav'd.