The Afterlife Doesn't Hate You.

by Prettypony

You go where you want to go.

You laid in your bed.

You knew what you had to do.

You did it.

---

Why are you here?

There’s nothing around you, your memory is fuzzy.

No, wait, there’s something. Many things in fact. It’s all black. Well, it’s an expanse of black, like space, there’s distant stars, kind of, but it doesn’t look like space. If it was space, you’d at least see the Milky Way, or maybe even Andromeda, or something you can recognize. No, all there is is black expanse and a matrix of stars.

You don’t have anything better to do, so you walk. You walk to one of the nearest star-things. You look around more, noticing that actually, the stars aren’t perfectly arrayed. They seem to ebb and flow, freely moving around in this realm, but not chaotic or unpredictable like brownian motion.

It’s comforting.

You finally reach your destination. The ‘star’ you’d walked to isn’t in fact a giant sphere of plasma and nuclear fire. It’s a small, pulsing, ball of light. For whatever reason you can’t discern its features all that well. It feels warm, but cool. It’s bright, but you can stare into it without discomfort. But it doesn’t illuminate much either, you think. It’s as large as a basketball. It’s as large as grapefruit. You can hold it, but you can’t.

Memories begin to return to you as you reach out to the orb. You don’t know what to think at first. You can feel the memories ‘unpacking’ from your mind, it’s like they were wrapped up for safekeeping and now they’re coming back to you.

But it’s not like… Not like…

They feel separate, still. You don’t feel complete, yet. It’s like there’s a divider between you, and your memories.

Getting back up—you hadn’t realized you’d sat down—you notice the star/orb/ball of light thing is gone. But not completely. The warmth is still with you, and now the rhythm of the land is too. There’s another star you feel you can walk to.

That’s not the only thing.

The land has more color, mostly abstract shades of purple and blue and red, blended in with the background. There’s a silver path as well, leading to that star. On closer inspection it twinkles and shines. Tiny glimmers of light giving it its color. You can’t pick it up, but it feels right.

You continue on, taking in more of your environment as you go. You feel more awake than before. Lighter on your feet too. Wait, you’re floating, that explains it.

You pause. How though? You look around more, but there’s only stars.

Resting, feeling, observing, the stars and the landscape steadily, slowly, expand and contract, pulse and still, ebb and flow. You’re doing it too. Looking around more, you can see you’re moving with the landscape but remaining still all the same. More than that, it’s a heartbeat. How did you not notice?

It doesn’t matter, it’s peaceful and you could stay here for ages. But you won’t, there’s something in you that says to keep moving to that next star. So you do, and you reach it. It’s like the last one, but it has a different aura than the last. Deep down, you know you won’t be the same after this, but you know nothing here will hurt you. Nothing here wants to hurt you. Maybe that’s why you’re getting these instincts? A warning of some kind?

You thank the stars for the warning but you have to know what it is that’s being shielded from you. You reach out and the star fades into you.

Nothing happens.

At first, it feels silly, to have your instincts be wrong. Your hovering slows and you’re lowered to the ground. There feels to be a great deal of nothing happening, but you know it’s not nothing.

A sniff. Heavier breathing. Composure slipping. The memories and the emotions that come with them—the ones that brought you here—have come back to you. Worse, you aren’t dulled to them like you were in life. Tears stream down your face and choked wails escape you.

Something lands beside you, but you don’t look until you’re wrapped in a soft embrace. Whoever it is comforts you, “There there.” She rubs your back. You recognize her voice, but it’s almost unbelievable. It can’t be her, can it?

“It is.”

Shocked, you manage to tamp down on your sobbing to look at her.

As impossible as it is, it’s Princess Luna!

“Indeed.”

You lose yourself again as more tears well within you. She doesn’t say anything more, only pulling you in as you sob into her shoulder.

“I’m—” You swallow back your tears, “I’m sorry.”

Luna pets your hair, it doesn’t fix your sadness, but it helps. “What is it that you are sorry for?”

“I was weak, and selfish, and a coward.” She holds you tighter and you continue, “I just couldn’t keep going. I was too weak. I should never have been born, at least then I wouldn’t have made my friends and family upset.” Years upon years of fear, hurt, loathing, apathy, and pain all stumble out of your mouth. “I could have tried more, but I couldn’t. I could’ve— I didn’t— I wasn’t— I, I…”

Luna held you and you cried more. It hurt less now.

“Do you know what I think?” She waited for an answer but when none came she continued, “I think you tried your hardest. You had a weight you could not bear, but you tried. No pony can blame you for that, you continued until you could not.”

You held her tighter, “I’m still a coward though and I hurt my parents and friends and everyone who ever cared about me. I was a waste of time.”

“If what you seek is my judgment, you will not find it.”

Tears come to you once more, “No, that’s not what I want.”

She waits until you finish crying, “Will you look at me?”

You nod into her fur and she carefully pulls you away. Your head is downcast but she gently guides your head with her wing until you’re looking deep into her eyes.

Luna gives you a sad smile which shines like the moon behind her, her eyes, as deep as everything else here, hold an understanding which you recognize all too well.“What is it that you want?”

“I want to go to Equestria.”

She chuckles and your body grows warmer, “Yes, those who find me typically do. What else?”

“I want everything to be ok.”

She nods, you feel so much lighter now, like nothing can weigh you down. “What else?”

Your words come quicker now, as though a fire has been lit within you, “I want to remember everything. I don’t want to forget this.”

Luna tilts her head, “And why is that?”

“So I won’t ever be ungrateful.”

Her expression wavers at that and she tucks your mane behind your ears. “Anything else?”

You’re above her now, “It won’t hurt anymore?”

“No, it won’t.” She cups your cheek, “I understand what it feels like, to have been in your place; I cannot guarantee you will never feel pain, but this grief will not follow you.”

For the first time, you see yourself, fur and all, reflected in her eyes and you smile a hopeful smile.

“We’ll be friends?”

A tear came to her eyes, “Yes.”

You hugged her as you drifted higher. The beat of the land grew vibrant within you, and you were born.

---

Luna was alone, back in the physical world with none around but the night guards stationed in the throne room. She was grateful this duty was rare. Sparing no time she closed the night court, found her sister, and wept.

Comments

[Pete100]

I honestly feel like Lina’s job is harder. Imagine going through this. Sure it’s rare, but that also means it takes a while to get used to.

[Bigkittypaws8]

Pp

[WubsAndCellos]

Please don't hurt yourself.. you have so much to live for

[Mr Stargazer]

I understand pain. If you are open to talking to someone who found out how to get better msg me.

[Hannah Nelson]

Good story

[Haysit T Ganaram]

It is perhaps the greatest tragic irony of life that those who are caring enough to feel and wise enough to understand, are those who suffer the most at both the hands of this world, and their own.
That doesn't go away in equestria or anywhere else, there is a cost to caring and knowing, and the bill always comes due.
Few who commit suicide are remotely deserving of any punishment at all, so besides villains running from righteous vengeance-seekers, its always the best of humanity, and not its worst, who feel the most pain.

It's not equal, and there will always be those less fortunate and secure than others, even among our brightest and kindest, to the point where the pain becomes untenable.

We've all known many people with that pain, and though our promises of hope to them often taste sour in our mouths in the light of such an unforgiving world, I think more than anything that those who feel this pain the most, do not need reassurance of peace, as much as purpose.

It's said humans can endure suffering of unimaginable proportions in the right circumstances, so it's confusing for many to see bright and young minds crumble under doubt alone.

You do not need this world, nobody needs to tell you or anyone else what a callus place it can be.
But this world needs you, people who care more than anything else, becaue the world is not caring for the most part, it makes you in short supply.

I don't believe in the inherent value of any life.
However, the life of anyone who actually considers others and not only doesn't take advantage of people, but goes further to try to put their wants first, is a sacred life, one which all of human society strove for all time to create. A better person, for a better and more caring world than the one we have.
You owe this world nothing, but if you can give it nothing else in your life but your love, thats more than most, and you should not lament a life lived lovingly, even a painful one.
And particularly not if its from the perspective of shallow, judgementsl people with not half the respect for human decency that anyone who could lucidly contemplate suicide would possess.

Guilt is a horrible burden that eats away at your heart like an angry termite, but one has to actually care about anything other than themselves in order to have it.
Paraphrasing a great quote, you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

It is not a curse though, it is a gift, you are gifted with the ability to represent the best qualities of mankind in being guilty enough to change negative actions into positive ones, a thing which most people, cannot or will not do.

Nobody said it would be easy or worth it, but the way I see it, if you're contemplating suicide as a way to run away from hardship, you're an idiot because becoming a delusional, nihilistic, hedonist sociopath is a much easier, much more fun route, that, most humans pretend they aren't two steps away from half the time.

But we both know, we all know, suicide isn't about hardship, but shame, and while shame is painful, it is not something to feel MORE shame about, you should instead be proud of yourself that you take responsibility in your heart for any actions you deemed shameful, even if you can never rise above them, it is good enough to live honestly with our flaws and keep caring, instead of pushing guilt away and becoming brutal and cold like the world.

Be proud of your pain, it speaks to your character, and in my mind, you who sometimes feel like you cannot bear to live in regret are not cowardly, but the bravest of us all, for guilt is burden you have chosen, and would choose to die on your feet from pain and sorrow remaining a good person, than to live on your knees as a guiltless mockery of a human being, no better than an animal.

It's just unfortunate that self-reassurance is not a quality of non-delusional people, and if not enough people tell a good person that they are good, they'll end up believing they're bad.
Despite what many people and even some less observent professionals believe, suicide is most often a social illness, and not a mental one.

If you find nothing but pain, revulsion and disgrace in your shame, an act that should be endearing to others, than you are surrounded by people unworthy of your love and unhealthy to your life.
And you should consider engaging more with those who make you feel loved, and less with those who make you feel worthless.

God knows there's plenty of rude trash people out there as it is, so hold onto the good ones tight.

[CipherCat]

11602631
Thanks

[werdio355]

Bro/sis listen. IDK if you are religious, but in my religion (islam), a human is only tasked with what they can bear, and we all can push through successfully. i know it seems impossible now, but its definitely not impossible.

Knowing how to move forward can be quite difficult, I didnt know how myself. I was in a state of not caring if i randomly died (had suicidal thoughts) , but i did eventually move forward with help. While not fully healed as of yet, its feels nicer now.

Opening up to someone who you can trust (parents, therapist, and more) will help a lot. Lets take small steps, opening up and making the ones close to you to understand your situation is a nice starting point.

Help does not have to be face to face or someone you know. It can come from many places like online helplines or strangers you meet daily. Even Online/offline communities are there for you. Willing to help.

I would also recommend visiting a religious figure (even if you are atheist) for help like a Pastor, or maybe an imam (Muslim religious figure) etc. They often are very understanding.

Please seek help, I hurt my family and the little friends i had too (especially my mom). But seeking help if possible really helps. I opened up to my mom about how i was feeling and she was understanding, our relation is now healing.

Its doesn't fully heal immediately, but its does heal. It helps with my mental health aswell. Its feels better now. And it only will further, for the both of us. Lets us just be a little more patient together. Even im not fully healed yet. Patience always helps.

Please feel free to message me whenever you like, whatever you like. I wont be able to check your messages instantly, but will definitely do my best to come back to you when i can.

Please dont be afraid to reach out for help if you feel like you need it. There is absolutely no shame in getting help, dont overthink it. Just go for it if you feel like you need it.

Here is a list of helpline numbers:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

[nonowe2349]

I just remembered this story and came back here. I don't know who you are, but I'm glad you're still here, I hope things have gotten better for you.

[Prettypony]

11869059
They have. Thank you