The Cutie Mark Allocation Agency

by Hoopy McGee

The Event

Glumm was still on the radio with Control when Sweetie Belle emerged. The filly was now wearing a pink sundress and a hat with a wide, round rim. When Scootaloo saw her friend, she rolled her eyes and made a snide comment about the other filly's getup. The little white unicorn grinned, turned her nose up in the air and pranced by her friend, stating that it was only normal for the orange filly to be jealous of such fabulosity.

Scootaloo shouted something rude and chased after Sweetie Belle, who shrieked and ran giggling into town, the pegasus hot on her hooves. On the way, they ran into Apple Bloom and filled her in on the upcoming airshow. The earth pony filly eagerly joined the other two, and the three trotted happily off, unaware of the presence of two gnomes struggling desperately to keep up with them.

The three Crusaders, chatting animatedly, made their to the designated clearing and sat down to wait a short distance away from where two gnomes, panting for breath, were hiding in an unkempt shrubbery.

"I think... I'm getting... too old for this," Glumm managed finally. Tinseltoes, performing a grand imitation of a fish on dry land, gasped and wheezed in response.

A minute or two crept by, and the younger gnome staggered to his feet as Glumm was bringing out the Cutie Cannon.

"Their epiphany levels are high enough to set that up?" Tinseltoes asked, though still a little breathlessly.

"Not at the moment," Glumm said, nearly recovered from his jog through town. "But we have a Rainbow Dash Event coming up."

A moment passed, with the only sounds being the chattering of the fillies and the click-clack of Glumm loading extra ordinance into the Cutie Cannon.

"I don't get it."

Glum sighed and looked up at his nephew.

"The first time that Rainbow Dash used that blasted Rainboom of hers, I was a fresh new recruit. I remember it like it was yesterday, though." He returned his attention back to the maintenance of the Cannon while relating his story. "Out of nowhere, Epiphometers were going crazy all over Equestria. Mostly near Cloudsale, but also in Ponyville, Manehatten, Trottingham, Canterlot... It was all over. Ponies that were barely registering on the Epiphometers were all of a sudden spiking up to sixty, seventy, even eighty percent. A couple even went straight to a hundred. All gnomes were scrambled. Even me, half-trained though I was."

Glumm finished loading a third round into the cannon and took a firing position, locking onto Apple Bloom, who was sitting in the middle of the three Crusaders while they waited for Rainbow Dash to show up.

"I was airlifted out to a rock farm, of all places. Can you believe that? A rock farm. They farmed rocks. These ponies are crazy."

"How does... Wait, rocks?"

Glumm shot a humorless grin at his nephew's extremely confused face.

"Don't ask me, kid. I was just there for Pinkie Pie."

"Pinkie Pie... that name is familiar," Tinseltoes said, not noticing Glumm's wince. "Oh! The Chief said she's the only pony besides the Princesses who knows about us!"

"Yeah... No idea how that happened," Glumm lied, glad that the cloaking technology had been vastly improved over the last few years. Not to mention that pony seemed to have some weird sixth sense when it came to being watched.

"So, when Rainbow Dash does a Rainboom," Tinseltoes said, putting it all together, "ponies start getting epiphanies?"

"Yeah. Every time that crazy mare does one, there's a spike of new cutie marks." Glumm sighed, looking at the three excited fillies. "Hopefully, these three finally get theirs."

"Don't think that will put you ahead of me," a new voice broke in, startling the other two. Lumwinkle, looking as sharp and crisp as ever, approached them calmly and took out his own cannon. "I'm here to back you up, Glummwriggle."

"Don't need it," Glumm said shortly.

"Ah, but it's orders," Lum said smoothly. "Not that I'm complaining, as three young fillies getting their marks would put you in range to pass me on the leader board. Tell you what, Glummwriggle. I'll take two and leave the third to you."

Glumm snorted irritably. "You don't know these fillies, Lum. They're completely clueless. No matter how much of an epiphany spike they get, I'm pretty sure that no more than one of them will get to a hundred percent."

"Should we make a little wager on that?" Lum said with a tight grin, settling into a firing position of his own.

"Um, guys?" Tinseltoes said, interrupting what was sure to be an angry retort from his uncle. "Is Rainbow Dash a pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane and tail?"

"Yeah," Glumm replied sourly. "Why?"

"Because she just flew overhead."

~~*~~

Claribelle was in "something of a mood", for lack of a better term, when she returned to the archive storage.

""Oh, thank you so much for dropping by!" she said in a simpering imitation of Counselor Tiddwiddle. She pulled a box from the hallway and slammed it down on her work table. "Oh, I do so hope that you find the box you've misplaced!"

She flipped the lid off of the box and pulled out a folder. "I'll show him, that fat, condescending piece of..."

Clari spent the next ten minutes devoted to exploring every facet of language that a young lady gnome shouldn't know, applying various unflattering descriptions to the absent Counselor. Only when she realized that she'd made several mistakes in her latest entries did she force herself to calm down. Several deep breaths later, she was herself again.

It was true that a Rainbow Dash Event was a big deal. Not that it was any less outrageous of Tiddwiddle to rush her out of his office without answering her questions, but it was a valid excuse to avoid talking to her now. Which, naturally, only helped to make Clari even more frustrated with the entire situation.

Still, there was work to be done, here. The records were still a mess, and there were hundreds of boxes to go through. She erased the error-ridden entries she'd just recorded, took the first folder once again, and began writing things down once more.

"All right. Let's start with the date... Hmm... This one's pretty recent. Ponies who've gotten their marks within the last five years." She rolled up her sleeves, cracked her knuckles, and said, "Right, let's get started."

~~*~~

Counselor Figgwaggle looked up from the well-ordered chaos of the Epiphany Room as a familiar and wholly unwelcome face approached. He frowned in irritation as the potbelly that was attached to the face invaded his personal space.

"We need to talk," Tiddwiddle told him in a low whisper. "There's a problem."

"No, we don't," Figg said. "We have a Rainbow Dash Event to monitor. That takes priority. Besides, whatever problems you're having with your end are your problems. I think I made that clear during our last meeting."

"And I believe that I made it clear, during our last meeting, that if I went down, then you would be going down with me."

Figgwaggle frowned mightily. "You don't need to remind me." Tiddwiddle simply stared at him, and Figg relented with a sigh. "Very well. We don't need to be here at this exact moment. Come along, then."

He allowed himself a terse grin as Tiddwiddle fell in behind him with bad grace while grumbling something or other about how Figg was taking charge. They arrived at a conference room, mercifully empty, and co-opted it immediately. Figgwaggle wasted no time once he'd sat down. "What's all this about then?"

"Are you sure you're done dragging me all over the compound?" Figgwaggle simply raised an eyebrow at his compatriot's comment. Tiddwiddle relented and said, "There is a young gnomette who is apparently tasked with organizing the records in the storage archive. I was able to get a box of... shall we say, 'undesirable files' out from underneath her, but she knows I took it. She has no proof, but she knows."

"Ah, I see." Figgwaggle stood up, enjoying the rush as he realized just how much trouble his rival was in. Potentially, of course. Not that it would do him a great deal of good, of course, seeing as he was somewhat complicit in whatever secrets Tiddwiddle was trying to hide. "And why do these files even exist?"

"Expedience. Easier to hide them than to destroy them, though I imagine that I haven't much of a choice now."

"And what do you expect me to do?"

"Help me hide the damned box, of course!" Tiddwiddle shouted, surging to his feet. "That way, she can search my office all she likes and never find a thing!"

"Ah. I see." Figgwaggle toyed idly with his beard. "If I do as you ask, I shall necessarily become encumbered with certain... risks. I don't see how that is at all to my benefit."

The other Counselor sat down with a sigh. "All right. What do you want in exchange?"

"What do I want?" Figgwaggle pressed a hand to his chest dramatically. "My friend, you wound me! As if I would take advantage of your precarious situation in order to gain advantage for myself." He let Tiddwiddle stew for a moment before continuing. "It occurs to me, though, that, if we are now such good friends that we can rely on each other in this fashion, it would be merely the friendly thing to do to let me know how you've managed to have your agent successfully rack up such a high number of cutie marks in such a short period of time."

Tiddwiddle sighed. "I suppose I should have expected this. Fine, I'll tell you." He fished around in an over-sized jacket pocket and eventually pulled out a small device.

"That's not... It can't be!" Figgwaggle stared at his fellow Counselor, feeling a mixture of awe and reluctant admiration. "You clever bastard."

"Yes, well. Whatever is necessary, we agreed," Tiddwiddle said, waving his hand dismissively.

"I'd wondered why you spent all that time in the Epiphany room during normal operations. Just like that, eh?"

"Just like that."

Figgwaggle picked up the device. It was a stubby grey rod, about the length of his finger and the width of his thumb. It had a small slider and a button on one side. "So. You simply aim this at the Epiphometer display you wish to influence and push the button. Correct?"

"Yes. And it adds anywhere up to ten percent Epiphany to the meter. Artificial, of course."

"I'm borrowing this," Figgwaggle said, slipping the device into his pocket. Tiddwiddle began to protest, of course, but Figg simply held up a hand until the other gnome quieted down. "You've received quite the advantage with this little device. It's my turn to even the score a little. You asked to know what I want for my cooperation? Well, this is it."

Tiddwiddle nodded tersely. "Fine, then. But I get it back after today's Event."

"Understood. But I think it would be only sporting if we traded this off. Shall we say daily?" Figg smiled as the other gnome squirmed. "It's only sporting, after all."

"Very well," Tiddwiddle said with bad grace. "Give me the keys to your office, and I'll get the box in there right away."

"Good idea," Figg said jauntily, handing them over.

The two gnomes exited the conference room and went their separate ways. Figg himself hurried back to the Epiphany Room, hoping to get there before his absence was noted. When he arrived, he allowed himself a moment to bask in the near-panic that flooded the gnomes around him. He toyed with the device in his pocket as he looked around, finally finding the controller who was relaying epiphany information to his agent, Glummwriggle, out in the field.

All he had to do now was wait.

~~*~~

"Epiphometer reads as follows: Apple Bloom, fifty percent, steady. Sweetie Belle, forty-three percent, dropping. Scootaloo, sixty percent, rising."

"Confirmed, control," Glumm said into his headset. "Rainbow Dash is still on the ground."

"Confirmed, Agent 13. Let us know when she's back in the air."

Amongst the gnomes, a tense silence followed. The nearby fillies, however, were chatting excitedly with Rainbow Dash, who was preening and strutting back and forth in front of them. Eventually, the pegasus launched herself into the air.

"Control, Rainbow Dash is up," Glumm said, somehow keeping his voice steady. "Repeat: Rainbow Dash is in the air. Do you copy?"

"Copy, Agent 13. Will relay status as needed. Good luck out there."

The gnomes and fillies watched as a rainbow contrail shot up into the sky. Now even the fillies were silent, watching for the pegasus to come back down.

"There she is!" Scootaloo shouted, pointing with a hoof. All eyes locked on the rapidly descending pegasus, a multi-colored cone forming in front of her. Glumm felt his fingers tighten on the trigger. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to relax, becoming conscious of his breathing as he tried keep it steady. These three had been nothing but pure frustration to him for the last year, always coming so close and yet always missing. Even if only one or two of them got their marks today, he'd call it a good day.

But he had to do it right. No mistakes.

~~*~~

"Copy, Agent 13. Will relay status as needed. Good luck out there," the control agent said, nodding to Figgwaggle as the Counselor wandered over to "observe" the screen. Figg's hands were sweaty as he fiddled with the device hidden in his jacket pocket, running his thumb over the button as he watched the screen. At least one of the fillies was up over sixty percent Epiphany, and a Rainboom commonly added anywhere from twenty to fifty percent. He might not even need to use the device, a thought that filled him with both relief and regret.

A minute or so passed, and then the controller shouted, "We have a confirmed Rainboom! Repeat, we have a confirmed Rainboom! Everygnome on high alert!"

On the big map, alarms started going off in an ever-expanding circle, with the epicenter being a point just slightly to the south of Ponyville. CMAA agents on high alert scrambled all across the region, trying to keep up with the rapidly spreading wave of rising epiphany. Within a minute, no less than two agents had been ordered to fire, deploying cutie marks to a colt in downtown Ponyville, and a young filly whose family was having a picnic by Whitetail Woods.

Figgwaggle frowned at the controller's screen. So far, the three fillies who made up the Cutie Mark Crusaders weren't near enough to epiphany for the device in his pocket to be useful. The best of the bunch was the one called Scootaloo, who was up to eighty-four percent, with Apple Bloom trailing behind at seventy-one, and Sweetie Belle somehow managed to drop to thirty percent. He grumbled with irritation. It was enough to drive him crazy!

The controller kept reading the results to Glumm in the field. Scootaloo had crept up to eighty-five with agonizing slowness. Just another five percent, and he could trigger the device and get this troublesome little filly's file off of his desk forever.

~~*~~

"Whoah, that was awesome!" Scootaloo was shouting. Next to her, an excited Apple Bloom was squealing and clapping her hooves in delight. Sweetie Belle was the only one who wasn't ecstatically happy.

"Ahh! I spilled my grape soda on my sundress!" the little unicorn wailed. "Rarity's gonna kill me!"

As he looked out from between a couple of scraggly branches, Glummwriggle allowed himself a rare, brief smile. As much trouble as these Rainbooms caused, they were something else to see. Next to him, his nephew was staring in awe at the rippling waves of color that washed across the sky.

"Apple Bloom at seventy-seven percent and steady. Scootaloo at eighty-five percent and climbing!"

"Confirmed, Control," Glumm replied. "Firing solution primed and ready."

"I suppose it's only fair that I let you have the first shot," Lumwinkle said graciously. "These fillies are your cases, after all."

"Thanks," Glumm muttered, barely paying attention. He was fixated on the young pegasus in his sites. Apple Bloom began consoling Sweetie Belle over the spilling of her grape soda, but Scootaloo only had eyes for Rainbow Dash as she flashed away in a prismatic blur.

"Sweetie Belle at twenty-five percent. Apple Bloom at seventy-five percent and falling. Scootaloo at eighty-eight percent and rising!"

"Confirmed, Control. Holding on your orders."

The world narrowed down to just him, the voice of Control, the filly before him, and the trigger under his finger. He was just barely aware of what the three of them were saying.

"Soda is bad fer your teeth anyway," Apple Bloom said. "Hey! Maybe we could be Cutie Mark Crusader Dentists!"

Apple Bloom at seventy percent, falling. Scootaloo at eighty-nine percent, steady."

"Whaddaya think, Scoots?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Wha..?" the distracted filly said, still staring in awe at her idol, who was now coming in for a landing.

"You want a cutie mark in dentistry?"

"Scootaloo at ninety per... wait..."

"Sure, dentist. Whatever," Scootaloo said, obviously not paying attention.

"Scootaloo now at one hundred percent Epiphany! Fire! Fire!"

Glumm was thinking "Dentist? That's not right, I read her file" even as his trigger finger, conditioned as it was to respond to that one particular word from Control, squeezed the trigger.

With a roar, the cannon went off.

Comments

[Gem]

Dentist?

...uh-oh.

[Seether00]

Uh, oh. If ponies don't get the right cutie marks, bad things happen. What a scandal. The princesses will be pissed.

[Diamond Sparkle]

Poor Scootaloo.

[Themaskedferret]

Ooooooh, this gon be good

[Zemious]

I don't know what to say anymore man. You just. It's just- this fic brings me so much happiness.

Edit: and featured, about damn time too.

[BBJBS]

Oh shit.

[Blue Nova]

Houston, we have a negative on that orbit trajectory...

[terrycloth]

"Who knew that teeth didn't grow back?"

[Opalesence]

Cliffhanger! We meet again! I want you to die cliffhanger! DIIIIIIIE

[PipsqueakThePirate]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA; this is better than "Why Am I Pinkie Pie" in terms of the "Wow, sucks to be them" factor.

[Alaborn]

How dare you do that to poor Scootaloo!

[Kaidan]

Now Glumm and Claribelle know something's up, and knowledge of the secret device is spreading. Dentist Scootaloo is going to expose their entire operation!

[Master Specter]

Scootaloo is the new Colgate! GOD BE PRAISED!

[Organized Chaos]

Figgwaggle is in some deep shit now.

[notMurphy]

2213154
Well you know what they say, the tooth will out

[World Theory]

Nooooo!

[Kage no Brony]

2257527
2213154

Pinkie Pie knows Scootaloo.

Pinkie Pie knows the Gnomes.

Pinkie Pie is gonna blow the gnome's operation up. There won't be anything left.

And then Celestia is going to blow the gnomes up. Mess with her subjects, you get the horn!

[Alondro]

*gets up to Scootadentist*

This... is the most amazingly horrible thing to ever happen in the history of the universe...

Presented for your inspection: Scootaloo with a writhing whimpering stallion strapped to a dentist chair. She gets the drill whirring before asking, "Is it safe?"

[son_of_heaven176]

Wow. What a chapter. Here's hoping that the cannon misses!

By the way, there are two errors that I spotted:

Glumm loading extra ordinance into the Cutie Cannon.

That's technically a spelling error. It's is a military term that you're looking for, and its correct spelling is "ordnance," without the I.

He was fixated on the young pegasus in his sites.

Homophone error. It's "sights".

[Cursed Quill]

loading extra ordinance into the Cutie Cannon.

ordnance

in his sites.

sights.