More of an Equestria Enthusiast but glad to be here. | Audio Reader
Sometimes those we love help lift us up.
Sometimes those we love help keep us grounded so we don't float away.
Author's Note: My attempt at an exercise in showing more than telling.
My entry for the 2023 May Pairings Contest.
A thank you to Thesmokingguy and SwordTune for proofreading before publishing.
Cover art by me!
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This is so adorable!
It was good, even if it cut off rather abruptly. It was like looking at one small snippet of their relationship, but without much context of how they came to like each other or what the future might have in store for them, or how/when their friends eventually find out. It leaves alot open to the imagination. đź‘Ť
Wallflower is almost painfully shippable. Lovely work with one of her least likely partners. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.
Hello! I read this bcoz you favorited one of my stories.
I had an unpleasant feeling while reading, like I was driving a car with a rock in one tire that kept jolting me every time the wheel went around. I soon realized it was the sentences, or more-generally, the pacing. Every sentence in the story is nearly the same length, spoken in the same tone, with the same lack of tension. There's no rise-and-fall, no setup-tension-payoff, no zig-and-zag reversals (see Advanced Scene Writing by Jim Mercurio). Some people do like stories to be that way; mostly, I think, people who've been stressed too much, or are for some reason always at the outer rim of their comfort zone, and want quiet stories.
Some of this may have been due to your experimenting with "show don't tell"; but you shouldn't interpret that as "write dialogue, not narrative or description". Reading movie scripts is a good way to learn about "show don't tell". I wrote many blog posts on "show, don't tell"; you can find them under "Show and Tell" on my blog post list.
I couldn't tell at first which pony the second "she" or the second "her" refers to. "Watched" is passive (not grammatically, but functionally); probably better not to attribute the watching action to Pinkie at all, but just to say "Wallflower's eyes lit up briefly" etc.
If you'd rather I didn't point out negative things, just tell me.