When Rainbow Dash makes some changes to the Ponyville Weather Crew's weekly team meetings and implements a snack duty rotation, a certain clutzy pegasus finds herself with some major problems -- The main one being the fact that she can't cook to save her life.
With her scheduled snack date fast approaching, poor Derpy has no clue what do, other than fail miserably and get laughed at, as per usual.
Fortunately, it's Thunderlane to the rescue!
Author's note:
This is my first ever finished Pony-fic and I'm excited about it. However, I'm the only one who proofed it, so if you find any mistakes or errors, please don't be shy about telling me! I love comments in any form.
Also, this did not start its life as a shipfic...But somehow became one anyway.
Anywho, enjoy!
Seems like a nice story. The characters feel cute, and you have a large vocabulary at your disposal.
You asked for comments and possible spelling errors. Sorry if there seem to be a lot, but most of these are just stuff that almost everyone forgets when they start writing. Just please please PLEASE don't take these personally, but as more of areas you might improve upon.
congregated -> Being a pegasus is now a religion? How about 'assembled'
this indeed sound like -> sounded
to do what when and -> what AND when
much as I do…But it -> Space after an ellipsis
mooching off Twilight Sparkle -> off of
Bolstered by their apparent support, she grinned, plowing forward with the final change to their agenda. -> slipping into present tense. replace second comma with 'and plowed'
Maybe it won’t be that bad.” She replied flatly -> that bad[comma]" she replied. When writing dialogue, ending a sentence with a stop is only OK, if the next sentence doesn't describe how someone is saying the quoted part. For example
"Nice day," she said, and looked at the sky.
"Nice day." She looked at the sky.
perfect and--! -> What's happening here? double-dash followed by exclamation? If something is forcibly interrupted, use an em-dash — (alt-0151) without anything else.
The second try had resulted in her forgetting to hold the mixing bowl and batter all over the kitchen. -> batter what? ended up all over the kitchen?
The third time, she’d completely overlooked a key ingredient and the resulting muffins were rock hard and shriveled. -> add a comma before the 'and'. also rock-hard.
The fourth time, something had gone terribly wrong and Derpy was left wondering how something could possibly overcook and undercook at the same time. -> same here, add a comma before the 'and'.
“And if I mess this up…” -> the em-dash is used when someone is interrupted during dialogue instead of an ellipsis. Ellipsis is for when there is a pause in the dialogue, or someone let's her sentence just... hang... The one you use at the beginning of the paragraph: “I dunno…” She looked away again is the correct use for an ellipsis.
They had duty together that day -> I know we're talking about weather duty, but you might still mention it for clarity.
sometimes, she was directionally-challenged -> comma is not needed.
About stylistic things... These are of course only a preference, but you still might consider them.
Using "at least" and "though" so much makes the telling a bit repetitive and clunky. You might wanna try going around them, or checking if they're really necessary for the flow of the text. Some writers add them to make the text seem more light-hearted, but I think you could find better ways to do that.
You seem to like your commas a lot. A wise man once told me that commas make or break the flow of a story. A good way to think about is that you have to give one dollar to someone else for putting a comma in the text, and if it was necessary, you can get it back. Most people would go very, very broke with that kind of an approach. I recommend you re-visit your grammar textbooks and check out how to use commas.
One more thing. You might want to use two minutes of your time to pick up some screenshot from the series as a cover image for your story. People associate pictures with stories more easily than names, and it'd make the story more appealing to click on and read. Nothing you write has any meaning, if people just pass the story by. I myself was drawn in by the nice synopsis, and if you'd add a nice image of a few pegasi next to it, you'd probably get more views.
All in all, a very promising first story, and I wouldn't bother correcting stuff if I didn't think you could become an even better writer. You can only improve by writing, and that's exactly what you need to do.
1353403
First, Isseus, I want to thank you for taking the time to give me so thorough a critique. I have been writing fanfiction for a long time (14 years) and usually only receive the "OMG WRITE MORE" variety of comments.
I definitely understand that I break a lot of grammar rules when I write. And I do like ellipses and dashes to set things apart, but that's just a lot of my style. One thing I believe about the rules of grammar is that they are meant to be broken once they are understood. I've never really had any one call me on my bending of the rules before, but I can see how it might be strange for you, since I know you mentioned in one of your own posts that English is not your native language.
I will likely make some edits to this story in the future; I do all my own proof reading and after I let it sit for a few days, I may edit it a bit.
I would like to say, though, that you are incorrect about my failure to use commas before ands in some instances. When only two things are linked by the and (example: "We ate apples and oranges"), a comma is not needed (as opposed to "We ate apples, oranges, and bananas" where it would be needed -- and even in that sentence, a lot of native English speakers tend to omit the comma after "oranges").
And "congregated" is simply a synonym for "assembled." It doesn't necessarily have religions connotations.
As for a cover image, I did give that some consideration. However, I don't believe there are actually any scenes where Derpy and Thunderlane are together that I could have capped and I haven't had time to put something together yet, though I do intend to, now that it's the weekened. But you know what? I've always gotten along well at other fanfiction websites without any kind of cover image, so if I don't get to it, no big deal.
This was Really REALLY good! made me feel warm! sad to see so few views! I'm not much of an editor so I really can't see anything wrong with the story. Thank you made my night!
1368792
Thank you! Your kind words mean a lot. I had an idea to write more in this little universe I've created and started working on a follow up story. I hope you stick around for it
Ermahgerd. BRILLIANT
1371005
Thank you!
Amazing story mate! Think this is th best derpy romance I've read in a long time, keep up the good work
1399280
Thank you so much! I didn't even intend it to be a romance and it kind of turned into one on its own!
I am working on a sequel, though :D
awesome! Cant wait!
What are you gonna call the sequel?
1401573
I haven't decided yet. But I'm a good way into it and it has a fair amount to do with Rumble and Derpy's ability to tell stories, so I'm pretty stoked about it. I have tomorrow off from work and I'm hoping to get a ton more writing done
So is this one going to be romance story like the last or different?
1401849
Oh, it definitely still has the romance aspects in it
Great, I'm kind of into romance stories right now
any anything that is related to awesome stories like this one
1401957
I will try to deliver! The part I'm writing right now has a little bit of fluff in it. It'll kind of run like this story did: Some romance mixed in with the other stuff.
cool. i bet it gonna be as spectacular as the last
Not bad, not bad at all. I like your take on Derpy; sort of a clumsy screw-up, but otherwise normal. Too many fics take her personality to one extreme or another, so I always like seeing a more believable version. And I can relate to her trouble with cooking; I once somehow burned a hole through a pan while trying to make a grilled-cheese sandwich.
But yeah, this was generally very enjoyable and cute. Looking forward to the sequel.
1469648
Thank you! I tried to keep her in character as I see her -- Sure, she causes some pretty big diasters in "The Last Roundup" but for most of her background appearances she seems to waver between goofy and capable. I took that and went with it.
And I hope to have the sequel ready soon...I've got lots more of it in the works.
1353403 Well.... It sorta IS a religion... Ever read Rainbow Factory?
I really enjoyed this story and Derpy Hooves is my favorite pony in all Equestria. Thunderlane seems like a very nice choice for her and I'm glad that your going a different route then other people, I'll be watching your work, I'm very impressed.
1600233
Thank you so much! I unexpectedly found myself going down this path and greatly enjoying it. Two dorky characters always make a good couple, Y/N?
If you liked this, you will probably also enjoy my MUCH longer, not-yet-finished fic, "We're Gonna Get There Soon." If you have not already found it, please check it out!
Your story is seriously impressive, one that makes a person want to think on what they themselves have written and to look it over for errors or keeping ever creature true to who they are, you did very well and I'm proud to watch a fellow writer
1604448
Thank you so much! I don't think of myself as a particularly brilliant writer, especially when you look at all the other amazingly talented people in the world. It's people like you who make me want to keep writing, even when I'm running out of inspiration or something goes wrong
1604473 Well you are, you can blow many people out of the water with your wiritng, but there will always be someone better then you, so that's a given...but you have real talent, something that she never be taken for granted or wasted my friend, no joke and I'm just a fan, nothing in the least speical about me
And I'm always there for my author friends, so if you ever need any help, ideas or advice, I got your back fellow fan.
That was darn cute. Darn cute.
But now I have this ... frustrating urge to hug everything.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/318/835/61a.png
That better be a sequel to this!!!!!
Edit:: Good, there is one!!!
This was insanely cute.
I needed something fluffy after the recent tragedies we've had.
1813906
Thanks! I'm really good at writing WAFF. And if you're still in need of more cute, it has a sequel~
This made me happy. I loved It. Good job!
1858175
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it
1858181 You are very welcome, and I look forward to more of your work.
1858193
Well, as you've probably seen, I have a few more things posted. I hope you enjoy those too!
1858202 I hope so, and Thank you.
1353403
'Congregated' is not inherently related to religion.
1859050
I think we had a minor issue with the language barrier, there.
Erm, I'm not positive, but from what I know of the english language, this is a typo.
1887272
Good catch, I probably never would have noticed that.
I made an extra account just to Favorite this twice.
i.imgur.com/YGijj.jpg
MY SHIPPER HEART!!!!!
Good work me lad. I didn't even know this shipping existed.....
1947551
LOL; that's probably because no one but me ships it!
1968291
Thanks! I hope you enjoy the other one, too.
And no, I'm not Canadian. I just know about making candy in that fashion from reading the Little House on the Prairie book series when I was a kid. I actually tried to do this once, but it totally doesn't work with immitation maple syrup and we never had the real stuff
1969103
As I've mentioned to several other people, I really strive to be original, even when I'm inspired by something or somebody else. I know I get tired of reading the same kind of thing over and over and assume that others do as well.
I also really enjoy reading slice of like stories. I love the idea of exploring how something plain and ordinary can effect a person and how something that may seem small to one individual may seem huge to another. Playing with that kind of situation so fun for me and I really enjoy it. I think attention to detail is the thing that makes a story great, rather than a lot of action and drama -- Which can work, but only if it's written in detail!
In any case, I'm glad to know you're enjoying my writing. I really enjoy yours, too!
1971515
Exactly! I like the things I read to be believable, to some extent, and for me, it's reading about everyday struggles that make the most sense to me. My own life as a (sort of) young adult is full of the usual (sort of) young adult problems of money, job, family, love, etc, and I like reading about similar situations to see how others would deal. I like to play around with the concept that real, true love is not some pretty, romantic thing; it hard and it's a struggle, but it's worth it, no matter how ugly it can be.
This fact about me is probably the reason that my next big project is Pinki/Discord ship fic.I also find it interesting to see how you can work the fantasy elements of something like MLP into an everyday situation. Prior to getting into Pony fic, I'd been reading/writing a lot of Transformers stuff,and it's the same kind of thing -- They go through similar circumstances, but how do you adapt it to make it species-specific? It's fascinating to me to see how things need to be tweaked to fit the universe you're working in, as well as a challange.
And I think your instructor had sound advice. Why strive for mediocrity when you can potentially achieve greatness?
Huh...nice pairing! I love this!
Awwwww.That Was A Nice Story.The Shipping Was Wonderful And Cute,Derpy Is Cutest Pony.
Now To Gather My Friends To Experiment This So Called "Maple Candy".Wait........We Have A Tropical Climate In Our Country......DAMN YOU EARTH!!!!
(And Maybe Science
)
2171769
I tried to do it once, when I was a kid, after reading a book where the characters made candy in such a fashion.
It didn't work out so well.
I'm pretty sure you need real, 100% maple syrup. I was trying it with the artificial stuff, which is likely the reason the syrup just soaked into the snow. I'll have to try it again sometime with real stuff.
2171799 Good For You
.While I Am In The Philippines Moping About No Snow Or Fall,Only Wet And Dry Seasons
.
Lovely. How do you do it?
this is one of the sweetest renditions of Thunderlane that I've ever seen, he is so absolutely adorably nice to Derpy
I d'awww -ed multiple times while reading this, especially at the end, I can just picture's Derpy's face 
it's funny, I actually really like this ship, ligit just before reading this my brains like you should totally make a TL and Derpy 'origin' story, and I'm like "brain where did that even come from? but hey hmm, you know I can actually see something coming out it." then I stumble upon this while looking for TL fics. I find that ironically funny :) what I really liked was how you had Thunderlane as a really (pardon the irony) down to earth guy. making him caring, supportive, and not show off-y was really original. I love FF where someone actually tries to make the bg ponies uncliche in their story and give them a unique personality. 
you did a great job on this, just an occasional typo here and there, but nothing making this unreadable