Ponies Versus Starcraft

by ambion

Celestia vs the Queen of Blades

It was a calm evening in Canterlot. Alone in his shop, Joe enjoyed the peace and quiet from his usual spot behind the counter.

First and foremost, Donut Joe considered himself a simple restaurant proprietor. Moonlighting as Double-Oh-Nut, agent Con Mane, was something like a hobby and something like volunteering, but would be entirely like an embarrassment if anypony ever found him out.

It had been bad enough with that train ride, and only by the grace of Twilight Sparkle had his cover been saved. Her calm, objective, reasonable and entirely inaccurate portrayal of events had spared him from a very near miss. The griffon mastermind Gustav, the rival agency’s key operative Mulia and himself had, in a situation none could have foreseen, been forced to stand or fall together under harsh scrutiny. Pinkie Pie was an intelligence nightmare.

Thank Celestia for Twilight Sparkle. Reliable customer, respectable and respectful. Joe had known her for years, and there was never any trouble out of her. She could talk for hours on the most random subjects which was something that, after years of having femme fatales try to seduce and/or do away with him was a pleasant change of pace. She just narrated whatever she was studying with avid interest, and he would just let the sound drone around him in the quieter evening hours when she had preferred to frequent his shop. It was much nicer to have a life that wasn’t constantly pushing the limits and straddling the edge of an explosion.

Still, there was only so much one could do to keep work and life separate, and when a small but significant little red light began to blink under the counter he groaned. He closed the shop early - it was as simple as closing the door and drawing the curtains - and hurried to the supply room.

To all appearances it was just that - a little space, dimly lit and dusted with flour and sugar, lined with shelves of ingredients.

It should be obvious by this point that things are not always as they appear.

Indeed, there was the rumble of hidden machinery and a sudden plume of flour shot up as a section of wall slid to the side.

Now, as an operative of the diarchy of Equestria, Donut Joe knew Celestia. Of course, even ponies that had been hiding under a rock for the last thousand years knew Celestia... Donut Joe winced at his mental faux pas, but the important point was this - to call the sun princess ‘distinguished’ or ‘distinctive’ was such extreme understatement as to be a simple ‘diss.’

So why did she persevere in the insane belief that sufficiently large and dark sunglasses would conceal her identity? For a wise and dangerously savvy ruler, it was an odd little blind spot she refused to acknowledge.

Donut Joe nodded. “How do you do, princess?” For her part, Celestia looked surprised and pleasantly impressed.

“You show your training well, Double-Oh-Nut. Yes, it is me.” The white alicorn stooped to squeeze through the exit of the hidden passage. Agent Con Mane would not have even been able to touch the ceiling of it if he jumped. He forced himself to a neutral expression, but the pressure of laughter was squirming in his chest, trying to find a way to burst out.

The shades she wore could have made impromptu sails for pegasi, they were that big. “You’ve locked down the shop, I assume?” The agent managed a stiff, red faced nod.

“Good, what happens here didn’t, understand?”

“Yes, princess.” Joe rolled his eyes. It was going to be one of those evenings. “What’s the occasion?” He was halfway to getting the laser watch when, to his relief, Celestia bid him stop. That thing itched.

“None of your concern. Just keep any eyes out. Including yours.”

“You got it.”

“And um...”

“Yes?”

“You could bring me a couple of those donuts before you go...”

Joe rolled his eyes, but smiled. “Yes, your majesty.”

Ten minutes later Celestia was alone, sitting the awkward sit of a size thirty-five goddess on a size twelve seat, trying her best to maintain a regal and comfortable poise.

With dark glasses.

The time had come five minutes ago, but this was to be expected. Even if she felt like an excited filly, Celestia tried to reason it away. Of course she’d be late, it was all but expected to work like that. But what if she wasn’t coming? Celestia bit into another donut, self consciously keeping tab on how many she’d had so far. But they were just so good.

There was a flash and a crack in the middle of the room and from it emerged a tall, nightmarish creature.

...with very large, totally black sunglasses. She was all greens and browns, made up of crisscrossing veins of chitin and tissue. Two massive skeletal wings stretched and folded tentatively from her back.

With absolutely no acknowledgement of one another, the newcomer casually stepped over to the opposite side of Celestia’s table and sat in a forcibly casual manner, as if to say she wasn’t sitting with anybody, but happened to take this seat just because.

“Sexyback?” Celestia whispered.

“Bootylicious?” Celestia nodded very slightly in response, and the two carefully removed their sunglasses. Only now did they openly notice one another.

The Queen of Blades visibly relaxed, and though her thinner body helped, the expansive, fleshless wings got everywhere and made for equally awkward sitting arrangements.

Neither could really care for the minor discomforts just now.

“I feel like I’ve known you for such a long time... but we’re only just meeting now. It’s so strange,” Celestia said, trying to keep the squealing excitement from her voice.

The Queen of Blades picked a donut from the dish and bit into it, her stern face falling into simple bliss as its flavour moved her.

“I know. It’s like, you’ve been the only person I could chat with. You’re the only one who gets me. Eveything else is just ‘kekekekeke.’”

The two had met almost a year ago on the ‘I just want to be able to comb my hair like everybody else’ forum and had struck it off as chat buddy confidants. It was such that they talked, complained about life in general and sympathised - it was all very much a wonderful bout of letting their hair down, though of course that analogy was inherently flawed from the onset.

“-and now he can’t decide if he wants to kiss me or kill me. But I can’t live like that, you know? He was bad for my self respect, so I just flat out told him - ‘I like what I am. You can’t imagine how this feels...and if you can’t accept me for who I am and what I look like, maybe you shouldn’t be in my life anymore.’”

Celestia gasped with the drama of it “No!”

“Yes! And he’s still moping over me!” The Queen of Blades grinned devilishly. “I am so much better off without any of those guys. It’s a chance to consider other options, if you know what I mean? How about you?”

Celestia blushed. “Well, I’ve never really had a...”

The infested creature blinked. “You’ve never?”

“Never.”

In the deeply crimson moments of Celestia’s blush that followed she realized the donuts had ran out. With no idea what to do or say, she fidgeted awkwardly, feeling scared but strangely delighted with herself. The way those glowing eyes seemed to gaze into her strengthened the feelings a hundred-fold.

They abruptly broke away, and the Queen of Blades spoke with shaky calm. “I’m really glad we can meet like this. It’s just...so hard to feel on the level, you know? Being Queen bitch of the universe all the time, it drags me down. I’m not just a Queen, I want to scream ‘I’m a -’” The creature regarded herself for a second, mutations, spines and all. “...a female, at least. Nobody understands that.”

Celestia did. ‘My little’ was a very literal phrase when she used it as she regarded her ponies. It was incredible just to meet someone’s gaze without having to physically look down on them, and more often than not they were pushing themselves into deep bows anyway.

The Queen of Blades was looking at her again, and the princess flushed with colour and looked away. And then, to Celestia’s joint horror and elation, the infested creature fidgeted and looked away too.

“I feel like I could talk with you and listen to you all night long, even with these seats.”

Celestia gulped back her hesitation and met the eyes of the Queen. “I... I’d like that. I don’t have to be back until dawn.” She felt like an adventurous child, pushing her curfew.

Small fangs glinted with a shy smile. “Me neither.”

Celestia shifted from her seat, then stopped. “Wait. This is all so much, so fast.”

A monstrous skeletal wing settled gently over her shoulder, and those light touches made the sun princess shiver. “We don’t have to rush this. We can take it slow, do this right.”

The alicorn blushed and shied away. “I...I’m not sure.”

“Can we give this a chance? It doesn’t have to become something. Just give this thing, this date one chance.”

“Okay,” the princess whispered.

From there they spoke of anything and everything, and time lost all meaning in the warm glow of conversation. Minutes and hours crept by, afraid to intrude on the two until the small hours of the night grew bigger and bolder. They gently reminded the princess and the Queen of their passing by the dawn chorus of bird-song.

The sun came up in due course - no thanks to Celestia, but Luna had covered for her, and with these two still not getting the hint, the morning dropped the subtlety it had tried.

The shop door swung open. As one, Celestia and the infested creature gasped their shock in a shrill squeak, then fumbled badly for their shades.

The little bells over the door jangled manically and a pony came through - a familiar blue alicorn. Celestia’s heart skipped a beat in cold terror and she flung herself to the Queen’s side, the one facing the door and counter, and magicked faster than she ever had before. Two ruffled newspapers appeared before them, royal hooves and twisted claws hastily held them in a semblance of reading.

“Act natural!” the sun princess hissed behind the newspaper shields.

Luna’s gaze fell upon the stiff and trembling pair. They went to absolute pains to do and be nothing, but the night princess’ stare fell on each in turn anyway. Celestia felt her blood go cold. What would she, her own sister, think of her?

“You there, subjects!” Luna barked in her stately voice.

“Ye-” Celestia coughed and made her voice go as gruff as she could, “yes, your highness?” Behind her disguise, she trembled in terror.

“Have you seen anything amiss this past night? My sister is said to be fond of this shop, might she have passed this way?”

“N-No. Not that we’ve seen. Your highness,” Celestia carefully added.

Luna took a final glance about, then turned to leave. “Very well than, be about your business.”

When the last jangles of the little door bells died away, the princess and the Queen looked at each other and fell back in relief, laughing with the frantic laughter of massive tension being released after a close call.

Unbeknownst to either of them, a tiny camera lense watched it all. Regardless of her instruction, it was part and parcel of being a spy to, well, spy. From his home, Donut Joe watched the tiny display of his watch with a slack jaw and incredulous eyes.

“What? What?! Seriously?” he begged aloud. Celestia’s mane had been flowing freely over the newspaper! That thing’s skeletal wings had been bumping against the ceiling! Both of them were quadruple the size of the largest ponies around!

And Luna had been duped by the ‘disguise’ exactly as Celestia had believed it would. When he could take no more of it - and this was a pony who in his years of acting as Con Mane had seen plenty of bizarre things - he flung his watch at the wall and fell back on his bed.

“I gotta give up on the donuts,” he swore for the umpteenth time in his life.

Comments

[Apollo and Artemis]

This.... I just..... I can't even..... Aw, fuck it. Here's what I think. This is 120% pure, unadulterated awesome.

[Organized Chaos]

Was that... An almost CelestiaXKerrigan shipfuck?

[Smirkythread]

I.....want to see this actually happen. Even if I have to do it myself and it receives so many downvotes you think the soviets invaded the like bar.

[KillerSteel]

Well... never thought I'd see this happen.

Seriously. I am bewildered here.

[Anon 3]

I'm looking at this thinking, "Did they just, 'friend zone' each other?"

[Sozmioi]

Are you sure that Luna was fooled, Joe?

[Sonati]

3119890 I know the feeling bro.

[Alondro]

Celestia shipped with Queen Kerrigan...

Now I have seen everything... *dies*

[Fourpony]

It's a cute pairing, I approve!

[Marsara]

"My queen?" *Walks into Kerrigan's command chamber and sees her using a laptop to look at a dating website* "....." "I can explain!" ".... This is why I report to Zagara and not you. But did Abathur listen? Noooo."