Griffon Coffee

by Damaged

Gᵢₗdₐ ₐₙd Gₗₑₙdₐ'ₛ Gᵣᵢffₒₙ Gₐₛₜᵣₒₙₒₘy cₒ.

Rainbow Dash stared at her friend. They'd been on rocky ground for a while, but as Equestria had spread the influence of friendship, so too had tired friendships been renewed. "You have got to be kidding me. Why?"

"Because," Gilda said, her beak curved into a big grin, "my cousin who works in Canterlot said he can feed those ponies anything. It'll be the best prank ever, but I need someone to help me with the deliveries. I— I kinda figured we could get the old pranking duo back together, you know?"

There weren't a lot of things that would actually get Rainbow on board with such an insane plan, but Gilda actually voicing remorse at their damaged friendship was one. "Okay. Let's say a certain pony was going to help. My name is kinda a big deal now. This won't get out, will it?"

Gilda smirked in triumph. "Miss Big Shot Wonderbolt can't have her image tarnished? Don't sweat it, Dash, all I need you to do is deliver the crate to Gustave le Grand. He's still angry at one of those upper class snobs in Canterlot and wants to teach them and their herd of groupies a lesson. That's why we have this."

"Chocolate covered coffee beans?" Rainbow reached out with her wing to pick one up, only to have Gilda step between her and the beans. "Hey!"

Now with Rainbow actively trying to evade her, Gilda let out a roar. "Stop! That's not chocolate!"

Looking at the three beans she'd barely managed to pick up before Gilda's exclamation had stopped her, Rainbow started to notice something. "Ugh, what's that smell?"

"They need to be washed. Look, Gabby was telling me about this place, Abyssinia, where they have all kinds of fancy drinks, and one of them is— Rainbow, put it down and don't lick it!" Gilda waited for her friend to do as she was told before continuing. "So, one of these drinks is coffee—"

"We have coffee in Equestria, Gilda."

"…coffee that is made from beans that—"

"All coffee comes from beans. You grind them and—Mfff!" Rainbow struggled to get her mouth out from Gilda's talon, but as a griffon she weighed nearly three times Rainbow's mass and most of that was muscle.

"Coffee that is made from beans that a civet has eaten. Apparently there's something about a cat's guts that makes them taste better or something. Gabby said it didn't taste any better and I kinda trust her, since she's drunk coffee from more places than I even know exist. So…"

Glenda, her long tail poking skywards and her midsection swollen, stepped into the backyard of the house she was sharing with Gilda. She burped. She farted. She glared at Gilda. "I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this too."

Rainbow's eyes widened and she used the awesome power of laughter to break free of Gilda's grip. "So you"—she interrupted herself with snorts and giggles every few words—"ate a whole bunch of coffee beans and now— This isn't chocolate!"

Wincing as a few of Glenda's coffee beans were loosed to the strong wind, Gilda walked over to her housemate and offered her a wing-hug. "Come on, I went through the same thing. I promise you it will be worth it. Rainbow will take a camera and Gustave will take pictures of those damn ponies drinking our—"

"That really stinks. How are you going to mask the smell?" Rainbow asked.

Leaning against Gilda, Glenda nodded. "Ever since they tried to shun my coltfriend I… Never mind that. Just make sure to get those pictures so this will all be worth it."

---

Glenda and Gilda were rolling around on the floor of their living room. Not normally the kind of behavior griffons partake in, but Rainbow was showing them pictures of calm ponies sipping coffee—and had the accompanying surveys they'd each filled out describing the elite Griffon Coffee they'd been served.

Clearing her throat, Rainbow showed a new picture and started reading. "Ahem. A crisp and fruity blend with nutty notes and a sweet aftertaste."

"Fruity?" Gilda asked, looking at Glenda.

"Hey, I was hungry for some actual food, and Gallus had sent me a box of blueberries. It also made them come out a bit faster." Glenda took the next card and lost all her composure. "A good, sweet brew that reminds me of home."

"Where was home, Canterlot sewers?" Gilda asked before losing herself to more hysterical laughter.

"Oh, there's this too," Rainbow said when Gilda stopped looking like she was trying to lay an egg backwards. "It's for you." She passed the letter to Gilda.

Reading it, Gilda thought for a moment she would die. She read it again. "This can't be real."

Taking the letter, Glenda read it too and started to giggle so much she tweeted. "Is he trying to prank us now?"

"Let me see that." Plucking the note from a now insensate-with-giggles Glenda, Rainbow read it. "Hope you enjoyed the prank— Blah blah blah. Wait. He wants you to send him any more you have?"

"We don't have any more! That stuff was horrid enough getting it down and—and through. We weren't going to make more than we had to." Gilda snorted, but then noticed Rainbow turning the letter over. "There's more?"

"He says here he only brewed half of it and sold the rest, bagged, to those snooty, upper-class twits." It was then that Rainbow's face lost all its mirth and she dropped the letter.

"What's it say?" Glenda asked, sobering up from her laughter at the apparent seriousness.

Plucking up the letter, Gilda started reading. "Sold all ten bags for three hundred bits a piece. He— He really wants more of it. They want more of it. He wants to make this a business."

"But we can't! It was horrible!" Glenda stared at Gilda, her mind having trouble comprehending the values involved.

"It only took us three days each to make all that. Twenty bags worth. Six thousand bits." Without meaning to, Gilda's talons tightened around the letter as if it were the opening of a sack of bits. "We can't."

"We could," Glenda said.

"We could," Gilda admitted. "It's a shitty job, but somegriff has to do it."

Author's Note:

Support me on Patreon or fuel my writing on Ko-Fi!

Join me on Discord. Warning, said chat may contain NSFW material and should be considered adult in nature.

Awesome patrons who are already helping to keep me in keyboards and rum:
A.P.O.N.I.
Canary in the Coal Mine
Daremo
shortskirtsandexplosions
Sirion123
Vi Watch
Emtu
HarmonySpent
Jeffh4
Shi
Istyatur
Shelbo

And special thanks to the following, for careful eyes and friendly words:
Lab

All my work is released under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA

Comments

[Damaged]

Everyone is to blame for this (they know what they did and who they are), but especially me. I hope you have a nice day.

[Backlash91]

GRIFFON STORY WITH GILDA?!

yes please.

GRIFFON STORY WITH GILDA WHERE SHE'S NOT ANTHRO,HUMAN, OR SOMETHING NOT GRFFON?

Absolutely yes please.

GRIFFON STORY WITH GILDA, AND ITS NOT JUST PORN? ACTUAL STORY?

You are a godsend Damaged.

[Damaged]

11544325 You're most welcome.

[Midknight Defender]

I’m worried that if I read this the title is going to be a reference to Kopi Luwak aka Civet Coffee, and then I’d only have myself to blame since I expected it.

[Damaged]

11544331 Would I do that to you?

[Midknight Defender]

11544336
Without hesitation or remorse!

and a really crappy prank

Also doesn’t help!

[woggs123]

Oh that was a lovely little read at 2am

[Damaged]

11544347 Read the last line.

11544355 You're most welcome.

[Emtu]

...Was all of that for the last line?

Dammit.

[Midknight Defender]

11544360
I really only needed to read the second paragraph.

[shortskirtsandexplosions]

Those pranks weren't worth their weight in crap.

Or maybe they were.

[SockPuppet]

Hahahahahhaaa.

Nice to see Glenda getting some story, too.

[Damaged]

11544362

11544366 But there are so many more!

11544399 High grade coffee!

11544412 You can take one guess who her coltfriend is

[RDFan628]

This story is pretty tasteful for a story that's filled with... crappy coffee... I'll see myself out.

Talk about a prank gone right.

Well done!

[Rockstar_Raccoon]

You should consider putting this in the Crackfic Storm writing event. It would definitely fit there.

[SockPuppet]

11544439
Wish I'd seen that a few weeks ago, crackfics are amongst my jams.

[FoxyLove]

Well I'd ask if your Shitting me, but the Griff beat me to it!

[Scyphi]

Well, on the upside...they can't say they wouldn't be getting their fiber after this.

[Arkonfleight]

For some reason, i was expecting a breaking bad riff somewhere.

[Rockstar_Raccoon]

11544446
You've still got a few hours, if you want to put one in!

If not, it's an annual event!

[Vaguely Demented]

I recall there was an episode of pawn stars where someone served civit coffee. One person reacted as if someone was trying to poison him, the oldest member of the family said he didn’t care where it came from it was damn good coffee.

[tsaukpaetra]

*Dirty Jobs theme music plays*

That was pretty fun. Who knows the statistic on how many pranks end up as lucrative business?

[Damaged]

11741026