• Published 25th Aug 2023
  • 711 Views, 26 Comments

The Millennium Archives - Moonatik



A collection of records, accounts, and dossiers to give insight to the world of the New Lunar Millennium.

  • ...
4
 26
 711

Equestrians are Stupid

“Equestrians are always dumber than you think, even if you take this into account,” Moonatik claims. “Think of how weird or crazy or dumb the average Equestrian is, and remember that 50%-1 of Equestrians are weirder, crazier, and dumber than that.”

“Want proof?” Moonatik laughs. “Oh I got proof! I got all the proof you could ask for! Just as long as you count ignorance as dumb.”

“In 1007 a survey was conducted amongst a representative sample of the equestrian public asking a range of questions regarding international affairs. The results…” Moonatik cringes. “...weren’t great.”

“Oo, sorry about the writing. That was me, I did it,” Moonatik snickers. “Anyway. Most Equestrians could only answer three of the questions correctly, and it was a relatively small majority at that.”

“Most answered right with the Saturn Hawkrich question. Makes sense, he’s an Equestrian and a celebrity. Well known that he took on the job of Viceroy after he was fired as Warmaster.” Moonatik sighs. “Then you get down the list, and it’s all wrong, wrong, wrong.” A groan. “Senturya surprised me the most, like, it’s in the name! He was a centaur! Also a lot of ponies thought the flag of Nimbusia was the flag of ancient Pegasopolis. Mad, innit?”

“Here’s a couple other interesting things. High income and highly educated Equestrians generally know more about the world, but the range isn’t that broad. Like, when you only count wealthy, university educated Equestrians they get on average six or seven questions correct. A very small minority got all the questions right, mostly in that upper class.”

“Knowledge also differs a lot by location. The highest levels of knowledge are in the city centres of big urban areas across the east coast. Manehattan, Fillydelphia, Petershoof, Baltimare, you know the like. But the further you go into the country, and the more rural you get, the less knowledge there is. In some rural areas, zero ponies could correctly answer the bottom few questions.”

“There’s some variation between the different tribes, but when you account for socioeconomic status this variation mostly goes away. A rural working class unicorn doesn’t know a whole lot more than a rural working class thestral, nor does a wealthy university educated thestral know much less than a wealthy university educated unicorn. There does tend to be more knowledge amongst non-pony species, however. Almost all griffons asked knew what the Reichsmark was, for example.”

“But if you wanna know just how dumb Equestrians are-” Moonatik points to the door. “-just go out there and ask. This one time I was talking to this real nerdy unicorn, educated by Celestia herself and kept studying even after her banishment. We started talking about Kirea, and I thought she might have something to say. Interesting topic, yeah?” He pauses, for effect. “She didn’t know what the Silence was. Or that it ended. Or that it ended after a diplomatic mission from the River Republic.”

“So, yeah, Equestrians aren’t the brightest. But, some progress is being made in the right direction. You can thank Warmaster Selenite for a lot of the work in educating the public in…” Moonatik stopped, looking like he was thinking of the right words to say. “A strange sort of way. Yeah.”

“Like, whenever the Empire was getting involved in a war in some part of the world, Warmaster Selenite would get on TV and tell the Equestrian - and I guess by extension Lunar - public about where they were going and what they were doing.”

Moonatik slaps another tape into the VCR. “Observe.”

Televised statement by Warmaster Selenite on the commencement of Operation Wintershield (24/10/1008).

Lunar subjects,

Last night, Karkadannistan invaded Maretonia and Aestlonia in a sudden and unprovoked attack. Hordes of Karkadannistani forces charged across the border, overwhelming defences, ransacking towns, and burning the countryside. It should go without saying that there is no justification whatsoever for such outrageous and brutal acts of aggression.

The three nations in question are located here, in the Hestraya region of Southwestern Zebrica. All three nations suffered immensely from the plundering of the Storm King, being some of his first targets. Following the fall of the Storm King, Aestlonia and Maretonia retained their freedom and accepted Lunar aid in their reconstruction. Karkaddanistan, however, refused our assistance and sought only war.

The pony nations of western Hestraya, Aestlonia and Maretonia, are peaceful societies who have a productive friendship with the Lunar Empire. Both are signatories of the Somnambula Treaty and members of the Zebrican Phoenix Initiative. Many companies from Equestria, New Mareland, and Chiropterra conduct mutually beneficial business in these two countries. Their fair leaders, Princess Zaida of Aestlonia and Duke Kyrippos of Maretonia, are joined together in a royal marriage, and both are committed to the common good of their subjects. Historically, their borders were much further to the east, yet due to the chaos brought upon by the Storm King, their lands have fallen under Karkadannistani rule

On the other hoof, Karkadannistan is a vicious, martial dictatorship under the brutal rule of Shahanshah Tahmasp, a bloody warlord and butcher. They care not for peaceful development, nor do they care that the Zebrican continent has suffered enough during the rampage of the Storm King. All they seek is war and conquest. Their ambitions go beyond Hestraya, as their rulers see it as the first step to restoring some sense of lost imperial greatness. Karkadannistani aggression had been long known about, and as such, the Lunar Empire has planned for this very scenario.

Pursuant to the stipulations of the Somnambula Treaty, the Lunar Empire has an obligation to come to the aid of signatory nations such as Maretonia and Aestlonia. In this, we will not falter.

Given the urgency of the situation, it’s imperative that we act quickly. Already, the Lunar Empire has activated Operation Wintershield, a joint operation by the Imperial Lunar Navy and Imperial Lunar Air Force to destroy the offensive capabilities of Karkadannistan and support the defensive capabilities of Aestlonia and Maretonia. Lunar naval and air forces are on their way to Maretonia and Aestlonia as I speak.

Our sailors and airponies undertake this task with utmost bravery. While no decision to deploy military personnel overseas is taken lightly, the ponies and other creatures who volunteered for foreign operations knew what they signed up for. I am confident that they will conduct their mission with strength, care, and courage.

However, Operation Wintershield will not involve sending Equestrian soldiers to the frontlines. Given the relative strength, we are confident that the mission can be completed with our air and naval power supporting the local forces of Aestlonia and Maretonia.

I must also emphasise that Lunar ships and planes have no plans for strikes against Karkadannistani towns or cities, and that Karkadannistani military infrastructure will be targeted with the most precise weaponry in the Lunar arsenal, and that no civilians will be threatened.

I speak on behalf of the whole Imperial Lunar Military, as I pledge that we will do our part to ensure that Karkadannistan withdraws from Aestlonia and Maretonia as soon as possible.

I, as well as Foreign Minister Borealis, have already assured the leaders of Maretonia and Aestlonia in private of our commitment, but to erase all doubt we will put our message on the public record. The Lunar Empire stands resolutely with the nations that have placed their trust in us. We will come to your defence, and your trust is not misplaced.

Yet to the tyrants and warlords of Karkadannistan, our message is simple. You will face the might of the Lunar Empire, and you will lose.


“Basically, the point was to give information regarding their operations straight from her own mouth. Educate and inform the public, and all.” Moonatik shrugs. “Well, if you believe her. Most Equestrians did, at least. It was the first they’d ever heard of some of these countries, you see.”