• Published 26th Sep 2012
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No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria! - BronyWriter



A non-brony is transported to Equestria

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Royal Love Can be a Royal Pain in the--

Before we start, know that this chapter is pretty silly and it's the chapter that's closest to bordering on Teen. I still try to keep it clean, though.


You know, I really enjoy the days that I'm teaching Cheerilee's class. They really give me purpose and meaning. It's as close to what job I would have held on Earth if I had stayed there while still being a fun, new experience. Who can ask for anything more?

Today is the day that I'm discussing William Shakespeare with them and they find it way more interesting than kids their age, and way beyond, do at Earth schools. Well, at least Twilight does. I don't think I've ever seen her with so much paper beside her with so many notes on them. Well, it was bound to happen sometime, of course. I knew some subject would get her really interested and it turns out that lecturing on a playwright widely considered one of, if not the, best in the history of my planet... yeah, that got her mind going. I guess it has something to do with being a librarian or something. Today in particular, I'm talking about A Midsummer Night's Dream.

"So Oberon, that's the fairy king if you remember, ordered Puck to go find this flower that Cupid shot with an arrow."

"What was so special about some flower?" asks Sweetie Belle.

"I'm getting to that," I respond. "Since the flower had been hit by a cupid arrow, it was magic. Anybody who got juice from that flower in their eye would fall in love with the first being they saw."

"Yuck!" says Scootaloo. "That sound like a terrible idea for a flower!"

"It did cause a lot of havoc, I must admit." I glance at my watch. "And I'm going to have to go into that next week when I'm here next."

"I expect to see your papers on what kind of things you want TD to tell the D.O.R.K.S when he sees them next month on my desk by then!" says Cheerilee. "Remember to use the format I taught you!"

Gosh I wish I had assignments like that when I was in grade school. Of course, actually getting to tell the D.O.R.K.S the stuff they're suggesting more than makes up for it. The faces those foals made when I told them what I had done, absolutely priceless. Of course, I had to do a follow-up lecture so that they would understand the references, but that was just icing on the awesome cake.

I put a notebook that I was using for lecture back in my backpack and sling it over my shoulder. I have to admit, I'm quite ready to go home for a nap. However, a purple somebody clears her throat behind me and I turn around to see what Twilight wants from me.

"So, that flower you mentioned: does it have any scientific basis in your world?"

"Absolutely not," I say. "It's just something that Shakespeare made up as far as I'm aware. There isn't anything in our world that can make somebody just fall in love with somebody else."

Twilight frowns and taps her chin with her hoof. I see her mumble something to herself and I raise my eyebrow. "Twilight, what are you thinking? You're not going to try to randomly make the flower, are you?"

Twilight snaps out of her thought process and shakes her head. "No I guess it would be a bad idea," she says. "You have to admit, though, it would be interesting to see if it's possible to make."

"Except that it all went terribly wrong in the story. It's a bad idea."

"I know that," says Twilight. "I'm just interested in it in a purely scientific context."

I shoot Twilight a suspicious glance, but I don't see how she could actually make the darned thing. Sure she's a scientific pony and I'm still not sure if it is possible, but I don't see how she could have done it.

I bid the unicorn goodbye and being the trek back to my house.

* * * *

Naps are wonderful. There are few things more beautiful than a long nap after a long day of lecturing. I mean, I love teaching those kids, but I mean, you get tired afterwards. I love the opportunity to get some sleep afterwards.

Of course, the universe is conspiring against me and my trip to dreamland is cut short as I hear a knock on my door. My eyes snap open and I glare at my door, wishing death upon whoever is behind it, interfering with my slumber. Another sharp knock gives me further incentive to see who it is so I can hopefully go back to bed after I tell whomever it is to go away.

I pull myself out of bed and open to the door to find, of all beings, Spike behind it looking frantic. "TD! Thank goodness you're awake! Twilight's gone nuts, she's trying to chemically engineer some kind of flower!"

I growl and rub my temples. "Oh come on! I told her it was a bad idea!"

"She said something about she's just interested in it scientifically and she doesn't want to use it!"

"That doesn't matter! It's a dumb idea anyway." I say. "Seriously, though, what do you want me to do about it? If I told her earlier today that it was a bad idea and she still did it, then why do you think I can talk her out of it now? It sounds like a recipe for disaster for me."

"It'll be an even bigger disaster if Twilight pulls it off or gets herself hurt! I've contacted the princesses to see if they can talk some sense in her too."

At this information I begin closing my door. "Well then what do you need me for?" I ask. "They can handle it better than I can."

A pleading look plasters itself on Spike's face. "Please help me!" he says. "Princess Celestia says that she can't be here for a while and I'm really worried about her!"

I rub my temples some more and sigh. "Fine," I grumble. "I'll see what I can do."

Spike's worried look is replaced by one of relief. "Thank you!" he says. I nod and the dragon leads me to the library.

We arrive at the library soon enough and Spike leads me down to the basement. "Twilight!" he calls. "Twilight, TD's here!"

"Go away!" comes the reply from the mad unicorn. "The flower is in critical stages!"

"Twilight, can you please explain to me why you're doing this? What about this flower is so appealing to you?!" I question.

Twilight wheels around and I have to take a step back at the mad look in her eye. "It's for science!" cries the purple librarian. "Science I tell you, science!"

"Wha--"

"It's on my bucket list, you see," she explains as she uses her magic to shove a scroll into my hands. "I've always wanted to create something magical from a fictional story and now I'm about to!"

I frown and out of morbid curiosity, I begin reading Twilight's bucket list. I only get about five down before I'm too horrified to continue. I... didn't expect a lot of that from Twilight. "Twilight, are you sure that--"

"Can't talk, science!"

"Yes you can talk; you don't need to make this!"

"We have to agree with the human in this instance."

I turn around to see that both the lunar and solar goddesses have somehow slipped in unnoticed and are standing behind us. I frown at Luna's comment. "I have a name, you know," I deadpan.

"Our apologies," says Luna.

At the realization that both goddesses are in the basement with her, Twilight gasps and backs into a corner. "P-P-Princess Celestia, what are you doing here?"

"Spike told us of your intent to engineer this flower," says Celestia. "We decided to see if you had actually done it." To my surprise, Celestia turns to me. "Well, TD, it's a human story, did she?"

I tentatively glance at the flower. It actually does look like how Shakespeare described it. It's a dark crimson color and you can actually see the juice moving around inside. I turn back to Celestia. "Yeah, I think she did or at the very least, she engineered one that looks a lot like the one in the story."

At this, Twilight grins manically and uses her magic to summon her bucket list over to her and she crosses the proper entry off.

"Do yourself a favor, Celestia, never read that bucket list," I mumble to the princess.

Celestia cracks a smile. "Oh, I've read it many times. Don't worry, though, I'm pretty sure that she can't pull of most of the dangerous ones."

"Pretty sure, but not totally sure?"

"Pretty sure," repeats Celestia. "Now, I know this must be exciting for you, Twilight, but what have I told you about engineering plants like this?"

At this Twilight's ears droop back and she shuffles her hooves on the ground. "If The Creator meant for us to play creator then she would have made us The Creator herself instead of herself," says Twilight.

...huh?

"That's right," says Celestia with a nod. "As such, I think it is best if I dispose of this plant on the off chance that you were successful."

"Careful, though," cautions Twilight. "It's very--" Before Twilight can finish her warning, Celestia wraps the flower in a magical glow. Instantly the flower bursts open and the juice inside sprays directly into the faces of Celestia and Luna.

"--fragile," finishes Twilight, all too late.

The basement is dead silent as all eyes are on the two goddesses. Nobody moves or makes a sound. Finally, Luna puts a hoof up to her eyes and wipes her face clean. "Well, that was an experience," she says.

"Indeed it was," says Celestia, wiping her own face clean.

"We are just glad that the contents did not sting when they entered Our eyes," says Luna. "It would have been most uncomfortable otherwise."

...uh-oh.

My eyes widen and a knot forms in my stomach as the duo both open their eyes and look straight at me. Oh no.

I stand there like a deer in the headlights, only in this analogy the headlights are potentially passionately in love with the deer. I've known Twilight long enough to know that she has a fair amount of skill in a lot of scientific areas, chemistry and botany included. If anybody can make that flower, it'd be Twilight.

I'm holding my breath as Celestia opens her mouth. "Well, since the flower is technically destroyed, I imagine that we can leave now." She turns to Twilight again. "I trust that you aren't going to make any more of these?" Twilight vigorously shakes her head which triggers a smile from Celestia. "Good," she says. "Then we must be going."

With that, Celestia and Luna teleport out of the basement leaving me to get over the series of heart attacks I've just had.

* * * *

It's nap time again for TD. After dodging that bullet with the princesses, I eagerly await the warm embrace that my bed will undoubtedly provide. Of course, I find myself a bit parched so before I go to bed, I fill up a cup with water from the sink.

I take my water and sip from it as I walk back towards my bed. However, before I make it back to the warm sheets my ears are assaulted with the sound of knocking once more. I growl and mutter some very not pony friendly things but I decide to not be rude and I answer the door.

The ponies behind the door... well, let's just say that this day may turn out to be worse than I thought.

"Hello, TD," says Celestia, flashing me that serene smile of hers.

I stand there in utter silence, shock and horror radiating from my body and I have to think about not dropping the cup from my grasp to keep that very thing from happening.

"We wish to speak to you," says Luna. She turns to her sister. "Should thou tell him, or should We?"

"I can do it," says Celestia. She turns back to me and her smile widens slightly. It may just be my imagination, but I see her eyes... oh dear, I see her eyes travel up my body for the briefest of moments. "Well, I know that we saw each other earlier this morning, but my sister and I were on the return journey to Canterlot and, well, we got to talking."

"Ta--" My voice cracks. "Talking?"

Celestia nods. "Indeed. We were discussing..." Celestia looks oddly uncomfortable at this, as if she's embarrassed to go on. I myself would rather she didn't.

Luna, for her part, snorts at her sister's unwillingness to go on and she turns to me and bluntly says. "TD, we were discussing how we both find thee surprisingly attractive. It is our wish to mate with thee."

My jaw clenches and my stomach ties itself into a million knots right then and there. However, I manage to maintain my neutral expression. Maybe this is a joke. However, Celestia manages to make eye contact with me and nods.

"While I wouldn't have put it so bluntly, yes, we would both find that favorable."

My head slowly begins moving up and down as my mind works in overtime to understand what is happening to me. Luna and Celestia are both staring at me expectantly. I clear my throat. "Whuhuh... uh... wow... w...would you, uh, excuse me for a brief moment?"

Celestia grins again. "Of course, my little human. We eagerly await your return and your answer."

"My little... ha ha... uh, yeah. That's just..."

With that I close the door in the faces of the two royal sisters. I slowly walk into the interior of my house, stopping only to gently place my water on my bedside table. The words of the princesses are still ringing in my head, but my body hasn't quite reacted to it. I clear my throat once more and step inside my bathroom. I can't escape from there, or anywhere else in my house, and I doubt that they can't hear me. Slowly I lean against the wall of my bathroom and lock the door.

With all of that finished, I begin screaming like a little girl.

My high pitched screams echo throughout my small house. Again, I'm sure that the princesses can hear me, but I don't really care. I suppose that I should find a way out, but even if I did have a window to crawl out of, they're the immortal goddesses of Equestria, and they will find me.

Well, I continue to scream for another solid minute before I stop, take a few breaths, and go back to the princesses. "Sorry about that," I say.

"Not at all," says Celestia.

"Enough talk," says Luna. "Your princesses would like an answer!"

"I know you would," I say. "And that's why I'm telling you that I wouldn't agree to that if you two turned into humans and became the last two on Earth and it was up to the three of us to save the species."

Luna frowns while Celestia lets a sigh out. "We expected that you'd say that," says Luna. "That is why we have talked and we decided that we would court thee, TD Powell."

"Indeed," agrees Celestia. "Obviously our interactions haven't always been... positive, but it you would simply allow us the opportunity to show our love for you, we think that we could be very happy together."

"And... and you'd both share me?"

"Unless you chose one of us over the other. If thou could not make a decision we would," explains Luna.

"Well, obviously I've decided that I don't love anypony at all, so if you'll just go back to Canterlot and forget all about this, I'd appreciate that very, very, very, very..." I begin closing the door as I continue onwards. "Very, very, very..."

SLAM!!!

"Much," I finish.

Holyyyyyyy...

You know, it turns out that the Lunar goddess doesn't appreciate the love of her life slamming the door in her face. Her Royal Canterlot Voice kind of goes through a flimsy wooden door pretty well.

"IF THOU DECIDES NOT TO LOVE US, THEN THOU SHALL SPEND THE REST OF THY DAYS FEARING US!!!!"

Oh dear.

The door behind me bursts open, sending me flying across the room. Thankfully I land on my relatively soft bed, but I make the mistake of looking up. Luna is standing in my doorway, fire and brimstone pumping through her veins if her expression is any indication. I don't know what Celestia is doing. She has her wing over her face and... Oh man, she's crying, isn't she? Son of a...

My ears are filled with the sound of Luna's horn firing to maximum power and I glance back up at her just in time to see her fire a beam of pure white magic at me. I don't even have time to react before it completely envelops me.

White envelops me, it becomes my world. I find myself passing through all space and time. How do I know I'm doing that? Well, I don't really but it sounds cool and maybe that is what's happening.

However, I'm not enveloped in white for more than a few seconds before a blast of frigid cold hits me. Not like a wind or anything. Imagine that you've walked into a freezer and that's what I'm feeling. The air is surprisingly thinner here but I can still breathe, but the back of my mind tells me that I shouldn't be able to. I mean, this is Luna we're talking about, the goddess of the moon. Surely she could have killed me if she...

...

...

...

I open my eyes and see a vast sea of rock in front of me. The sky is black and I see only stars. Something seems off about this rock that I'm standing on, it looks more like the images from when astronauts landed on the... on the...

Holy crap, Luna just sent me to the moon.

"OH COME ON!!!!!"

Yeah, if I wasn't going to love her before, and why would I, I'm definitely not now. You don't send somebody you're trying to date to a celestial body because you're angry with them; it's just not how it’s done. But what's done is done and Luna has banished me to the moon because I refuse to date her.

Well, I've had worse days. I'm not sure which ones, but I've had worse days.

Before I can fully think about my lunar surroundings, I get the strangest feeling in my torso, almost as if somebody is grabbing one of my ribs and using it to pull me backwards. At first I think it's my lungs collapsing in on themselves, but quick as a blink I find myself in the forelegs of two thoroughly distraught and openly weeping goddesses.

"We are so sorry, TD Powell!" wails Luna. "We promise to never send thou to the moon again!"

"I'll never forgive my sister for that, my love," weeps Celestia.

"Only say the word and We shall throw ourselves off a thousand cliffs and fly into a million suns to prove our deepest sorrow for our transgressions against your heavenly body!"

Unfortunately, Luna's foreleg is wrapped around my head so I can only let out a muffled scream of prolonged terror that they both ignore. I swear that if I had a single shred of power I would begin beating them up and giving them a verbal what for. As it is, I don't and Luna just sent me to the moon for doing it as politely as possible.

I am royally screwed.

* * * *

Well it turns out that even if they are distraught and this is supposedly all about me, the two of them, either of whom could obliterate me without a thought, don't really take no for an answer. As such, I am currently riding in a chariot with my two supposed brides-to-be on either side of me. I do not support this chain of events.

"You know that this is all just because you got that juice in your eyes, right? When Twilight finds a cure you're both going to feel very silly about all of this."

Celestia smiles at me and waves my words away with a hoof. "Now you're just being silly, my love. Neither Luna nor I was subject to this flower that you describe. We met with Twilight today to discuss her friendship reports, remember?"

"Indeed, TD Powell," says Luna. "We are not sure where this tall tale that you have created comes from, but it does not come from the realm of reality."

I have to hold back another scream at the realization that they have no clue as to why they love me. I have to think of a plan, and fast. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that part of any plan I come up with means playing along on some level. The knowledge that I have to pretend to be in love with them is... well, I think one could imagine.

As the chariot ride continues, I hear a commotion beside me and I idly turn to see the source. My jaw drops when I see a trio of royal guards leading Lyra Heartstrings of all ponies out. She has hoofcuffs on her forelegs and looks thoroughly pissed.

"I'm telling you that I let the human go and I didn't do anything to him!" the sea foam green unicorn says. "You guys are being real dart gun Jagermeisters right now!"

Lyra's Lyraisms aside, her arrest is a tad confusing to me. I turn to Celestia to voice my confusion, as they are her guards, and her fond smile changes to a proud one before I can ask.

"A wedding present, my little human," she explains.

"We heard that particular mare was giving thou trouble, my love," agrees Luna. "Dost thou approve?"

The fact that they knew that Lyra had kidnapped me aside, it was kind of nice to see her get some justice. At the very least, she won't actually be kidnapping me again. Of course, there is the issue that the princesses are essentially doing the same thing for an even more twisted reason! At least Lyra didn't send me to the moon when things got out of hand.

Well, I don't respond to their 'wedding present' which causes them to exchange nervous glances but thankfully they don't press the issue at all. Heaven knows that I want to interact with them as little as possible until a cure is found. With that, an idea pops into my head.

"So... for our... wedding..." I feel the urge to wash my mouth out with soap just saying that. "I assume the Elements will be involved?"

"If it would make you happy, my love," says Celestia, nuzzling my shoulder in a manner that she has no business doing.

"It would," I say.

"Then Twilight Sparkle and her friends shall attend the happiest day of our lives!" shouts Luna.

"Hooray," I say with absolutely no conviction or joy at all. All I really need is Twilight to make a cure and we can be rid of this whole mess. Well, there is still the blackmail I suppose.

The chariot ride back to Canterlot is fairly quick. I chalk that up to Celestia's magic and the strength of the royal guards pulling it once we got into the air. Thankfully the ride is silent for the most part, but that's only because Luna and Celestia are looking at me lovingly the entire time. I know if I said something then they'd become chattier, but they're waiting on me. It's frankly more than a little creepy. Still, I'm tempted to say 'if you love me you'll leave me alone or only come around when I want you to', but I don't fancy another moon trip.

Well we do eventually arrive at Canterlot where there is a platoon of servants just waiting for the arrival of their masters. Celestia and Luna step out of the chariot with royal grace and dignity while I look for the opportunity to slip away. None presents itself as I'm immediately flanked by two royal guards.

"Move it," mumbles one of them so Celestia can't hear. "You're in the custody of the princesses now."

"I. Am. NOT. A. Plaything!" I spit.

The guard to my right rolls his eyes. "Whatever, buddy. I'm just doing my job. If the princesses want you then that's exactly what you are, now move it!"

Good gracious, what does it say about the state of their government if this is their policy on the wants of their rulers? You know, it's for reasons like this that the Magna Carta was signed. Hmm, maybe I can use my position to get them to sign a pony Magna Carta. Ooh, the possibilities are endless for that.

The guard to my left nudges me forward and the three of us follow Celestia and Luna to the main throne room. I'd rather the dungeons at this point. It'd be a bit less creepy than all of this.

Celestia turns back to me and smiles. "Welcome to your new home!" she says enthusiastically.

"Uh... the throne room?"

"Is that what thou desires?" says Luna. "If so we can have a space made for thee!"

"N...No, that's okay." I take a deep breath and rub my temples. "Uh, when are Twilight and her friends going to arrive? If we are going to have a wedding, then we need to begin planning as soon as possible!"

The faces of the royal sisters both fall at my request. That's odd; I thought they wanted a wedding. "But, we haven't even begun to court thee, TD Powell."

"Oh that's... uh, your arrest of Lyra really impressed me," I lie.

"Maybe so, darling," says Celestia, much to my chagrin," but you can't jump into a decision like this lightly. I mean, do you really love us?"

"Well..."

"Exactly," says Celestia. "We wouldn't want you to marry us simply because you are enticed by the title of Alicorn Prince TD Harrison Powell."

My heart shrinks in on itself and my pupils shrink down to the size of the head of a pin. "Uh... Alicorn prince?"

"Of course!" says Luna. "It would benefit our marriage greatly if thou were a pony! It would not do to marry a human so an alicorn thou must become!"

"You... you can do that?" I ask. My legs are about to buckle in on themselves. How I wish I could just fade out of existence. It's all I can do to keep my limited composure.

To my surprise, Celestia shakes her head. "Well, no," she says. "It would more just be an illusion for public events..."

"But we would work night and day to make the transformation permanent!" says Luna.

"Oh dear god,"

"But that is beside the point right now," says Celestia. "We planned all sorts of ways to win your love and you haven't let us get to any of them!"

"Indeed, we wrote a musical poem as a declaration of our love! Would you not like to hear it?"

"Holy *buy some apples*"

Celestia takes my stunned silence as a confirmation and she quickly summons a bard of some sort who pulls out a bouzouki and uses his unicorn magic to play it. To my horror, Celestia and Luna aren't kidding about having written a song.

"O TD, divine
you are so fine,
oh please be mine,
oh TD," sings Celestia.

I will do whatever anybody asks, I only wish that they kill me now. I could run, but I wouldn't get very far. As such, I'm forced to hear their 'song'.

"Your mane of red
is gloriously bred!
thy hands are as soft as the clouds!" sings Luna

"if you will be mine,
my lovely divine,
the sun and the stars would be thine!"

A silent scream wells up inside my chest at this... this... GUHIOUBPIUBPIBAHAHAHAH!!!!

"Thine ears are so round,
they make Us fall to the ground!
Upon thine wonderful ears,
we're not fit to gaze!"

"And to sing of your eyes,
their beauty rivals the skies,
in beauty and power and graaaaaace!"

"Okay, I think I get the point," I say quietly. I'm frankly amazed that I managed to get that out at all. I've been trying for the past five minutes.

"Thou wishes us to stop?" says Luna. "But we haven't yet sung the other 214 verses! We were just about to get to what the layponies would call the 'raunchy' verses!"

I let out a very Fluttershyesque squeak and my left leg gives out for a second. After regaining my balance, I clear my throat. "Y...You know, I think I'm actually very tired right now. Long flight and all that."

"Of course!" says Celestia. "How foolish of us to not realize it. We shall have your room ready at once!"

"Uh, g-g-g-ood," I mutter. "Yes, that's very, uh nice of you and... yeah."

Luna shoots me a seductive look. "Only the best for you, my love!"

"Uh, thanks for that."

As a servant comes up to escort me to my room, Celestia stops us for a moment. "Is there anything else you require, dear? A glass of warm milk, a snack of some form, or maybe there is something you would like brought to you from your home in Ponyville?"

I'm tempted to ask for a rock hammer and a poster of one of the latest movies, but that would take too long. "Uh, just... just get Twilight and her friends here and let me know the second they arrive. Lots to plan, you know."

"Of course!" says Luna. "We will not delay when Twilight Sparkle and her friends arrive!"

"G..." My voice cracks. "Good, yeah that's good."

The servant leads me to a room that I don't have to see to guess its opulence. Not that I particularly care about that right now. Right now all I can do is plan some form of escape in case Twilight can't cure the princesses of their recent obsession of me. I suppose that I can use Pinkie Pie as a distraction of some sort if I can't find another route of escape. I need to start planning now though. Well, I can start planning as soon as I get 'O TD Divine' out of my head. I have to make a considerable effort to not think about just what the other 214 verses contained.

I take off my shoes and plop down on the bed. I can't even appreciate how comfortable it is. The fact that the two of them are acting like a pair of sixth graders with a crush is more disconcerting to me right now. I mean, they're the rulers of all of Equestria and now they're acting like giggly teenagers! I can only surmise whatever Twilight did with that flower is to blame, so she'd better have a way to fix them or I'm not sure everybody is surviving this one.

I briefly contemplate breaking several Pinkie Promises at once just to this nightmare can end. The Nightmare of Pinkie Pie mad at me is child's play compared to what I'm going through now. I will need severe counseling to get over this one. If I even get out of it in the first place, that is.

To my surprise, the door opens after only a few minutes and a servant leads Twilight and Co. in, followed by, surprisingly enough, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I guess my royal lovers figured that since I liked them so much that they should be invited to the wedding. at the sight of the nine ponies, a maniacal grin crosses my face.

"Hello!" I say. My voice is surprisingly cheerful. I think I've snapped.

The Crusaders smile at me, but when they see my expression, their smiles fade and they take nervous steps back. "He looks like Twilight when she didn't get that letter to the princess," whispers Apple Boom. "Ah wonder what's wrong."

My smile still intact, I walk over to the ponies, all of whom look thoroughly disturbed by my expression. I kneel in close to the Crusaders who all take another step back. "Hey kids," I say in that overly cheerful voice. "Can you do your Uncle TD a biiiiig favor and cover your ears for a little bit? I need to have a frank discussion with Twilight!"

"TD!" says Applejack. "Ah ain't lettin' you say things like that in front of mah sister!"

"And that's why she's covering her ears; so her innocent little mind doesn't find out what it looks like when a human goes absolutely insane because SOMEPONY doesn't listen when that human tells her not to genetically engineer flowers from Shakespeare plays!" I tap my chin for a moment. "Maybe they should cover their eyes too."

"TD, are you okay?" asks Fluttershy.

I stand up and shake my head so hard that the room blurs. "Nopedy, nopedy NOPE!" I say. Fluttershy jumps back slightly but I continue on. "Because a certain purple somebody, whom I'm sure you all love very much and you would be all very sad if I threw her out the window, doesn't know when to not make flowers! In the past five hours, I have had a sappy song sung to me, I've gotten a marriage proposal from both royal sisters, they keep calling my lovey-dovey nicknames, and I'VE BEEN SENT TO THE MOON! NO. I. AM. NOT. OKAY!!!!'

The room is dead silent as the nine ponies digest my words. I can't blame them for being shocked; I can still hardly believe what's happening to me.

I turn to face Twilight who is staring at the ground, ears folded back and tears streaming down her face. Gosh darn it; I cannot win today, can I?

"I...I'm sorry," mutters Twilight. "I didn't mean for things to get so out of hoof!"

"I know that," I say. "But the truth of the matter is that I am royally screwed in a few different ways if YOU do not make a cure!"

Twilight's watery gaze doesn't do anything to cause my temper to recede. I wish I didn't have to be so hard on her but frankly if I didn't have better self-restraint, I'd be beating her over the head with Reginald.

Twilight isn't responding which elicits a groan from me. "Twilight, can you make a cure or not? If you don't the princesses are going to marry me and turn me into a pony again!"

"Well hold on now, sugar cube," says Applejack. "Have ya tried tellin' them that you don't want to get married to 'em?"

"What do you think got me sent to the moon?" I retort. "They are very serious about all of this."

"It's true," says Twilight glumly. "They're fixated on him and nothing he says will stop that. Words cannot stop magic like that."

"But you can, right?"

"I...I can try," says Twilight.

"Then try! Try to undo even a fraction of the damage you've done!"

Twilight nods and shuffles her hooves. "I guess if you say that you want me to work on a bouquet of flowers for your wedding, since it does need to be extra special, the princesses wouldn't object to that. It may take a while, though."

"How long do you think?" I ask.

Twilight shrugs. "I have no idea," she says.

I groan and rub my temples. "I will never forgive you for this, Twilight," I growl. "And that's a promise."

"I know," mutters Twilight.

"Are we missing anything?" says a new voice. I look at the doorway to see Celestia and Luna standing there.

I turn to my royal fiancees and force a smile onto my face. "Nothing you need to know about," I say. "We're just planning some... surprises and all for the wedding. Gotta make it special, right?"

"Indeed we do!" agrees Luna. "We require only the best for our marriage to our snuggle-wuggle pookie pie!"

Aaaand we all pretty much almost vomit on that one. Or at the very least, Rainbow, Scootaloo, and I do. The rest just look pretty horrified. Well, all except...

"Well I think that this wedding is going to be the most super-duperrific party ever!" says Pinkie Pie.

"Have you all gotten something to wear?" asks Rarity. "I would absolutely love to design something beyond spectacular to wear on your special day!"

Celestia turns back to me. "Is that okay, my sunshine?"

"Yeah thahuh..." My voice gives out for a moment. "That sounds fine."

"THEN OUR OUTFITS DEAR RARITY WILL DESIGN!" yells Luna, the forcefulness of her voice nearly sending Pinkie Pie tumbling back.

Rarity squees in excitement and immediately starts babbling about how she needs to take our measurements and things like that. RaritySpeak, I've begun to call it. The main reason that I can't listen to it is because Celestia has wrapped a wing around me and is escorting me out of the room.

"Even if we are fiancées already, we still need to do things together!"

"Indeed," agrees Luna. "We need to be as happy with each other as possible before our big day in three days!"

Wait... what?

"Uh, three days?" I say. "Isn't that a little... fast?"

"Oh not at all," says Celestia. "I know that Rarity can finish our outfits in time and we have ponies working around the clock to set up the wedding as we speak! Three days is plenty of time to spend every waking moment together while the wedding is planned around us. If anypony needs us they'll know where to find us, but since Twilight and her friends organized both the Gala and my niece's wedding, I have complete trust in them."

"Oh."

"Now come along, TD," says Luna. "We have such sights to show you!"

I glance back at Twilight as Celestia drags me out of the room. She gives me a nervous smile which quickly fades as I leave the room.

* * * *

You know, I never really cared for either Celestia or Luna, even when they weren't under the influence of mind altering drugs that made them convinced that they loved me. Celestia tore me from all I knew and loved, Luna snapped my spine, and all I got in retribution were a few relatively weak punches.

Now the two of them were dragging me all across Canterlot, each of them trying to win my undying love. Of course, they had rescinded their idea that if I chose only that one would marry me so I had a wedding to two mares to look forward to tomorrow as well as the rest of my life as an alicorn, or at the very least, the image of one, in case Twilight didn't discover a cure in time. Needless to say, it wasn't a very happy prospect.

Under normal circumstances, I think that what the three of us did would be pretty fun. We dined at the best restaurants; we saw some pretty decent plays in top notch seats while waiters served us hors d'oeuvres, Celestia even read my mind and used that to re-create some of my favorite dishes from Earth. Tacos, hamburgers, pizza, calzones, all of it. The meat wasn't real of course, but they were somehow able to come up with something that tasted almost exactly like it. Yeah, it was almost worth marrying the princesses if it meant that I got to eat bacon again.

I said almost.

All of that was the good side of all of this. There were plenty of downsides to it as well. Celestia and Luna kept thinking up increasingly sappy nicknames for me and nuzzling my shoulder. Their lovey-dovey smiles were downright creepy and I even got to hear a few more verses of 'Oh TD Divine'. That wasn't so fun. Of course there was also the constant promise that the two of them would turn me into a pony the second that they figured out how. Worst case scenario? They succeed. Best case scenario? They end up blowing me up.

Well, the three days quickly came and went, far faster than they had any business going. As such, I found myself currently standing next to Twilight, desperately hoping that she had a cure ready. The only reason that I wasn't by the princess' side was because they believed in the adage that it was bad luck for the bride(s) and groom to see each other before the wedding... which was in an hour.

"Come on, Twilight, talk to me! Have you got anything or not?!"

Twilight slowly turned to me and with a heavy sigh in her heart, she shook her head. "No, I have nothing for you," she said. "I have tried everything that I can and I have nothing ready right now." Twilight motioned towards a bubbling vial. "Even this has only the slimmest chance of working, and it won't be ready in an hour."

My eye twitched and I nervously scratched the back of my head. "So... I'm stuck is what you're saying."

Tears filled Twilight's eyes as she slowly nodded. "Unless this vial pans out, yes, I think so." Twilight's lower jaw quivered and to my horror, she burst out into hysterical sobs. "I'M SO SORRY!" she wails. "I RUINED YOUR LIFE!!!"

Yes, yes she did. I don't tell her that, though. I instead kneel down and do my best to give her a hug. "Hey, don't be like that," I say. "Uh, I'm going to try to make the best of it even if it doesn't work out. Besides, I'm sure you can make it eventually even if we do get married and we'll all look back at this and laugh awkwardly before hurriedly changing the subject."

"But it won't be that simple!" says Twilight. "Do you have any idea how complex Equestrian marriage laws are? It's not as simple as filing a few pieces of paper; even with magic it could take years to get your marriage annulled and that's nothing to say of the scandal that it would cause!"

I'm struck with silence as the full implication of her words hit me. I...I might not be getting out of this.

Twilight sighs and glances back at her concoction. "Look on the bright side, you only have another sixty or so years of life. I'm sure you'll get used to it before then."

"If they find a way to make me an alicorn, I'm not so sure."

"It's ironic really," says the distraught student. "Most ponies around here would kill to be an alicorn, they're like gods! But the one being in all of Equestria who has the best opportunity to become one wouldn't do it for anything in the world."

"I never really handled having hooves all that well," I admit.

"You'd have magic, but I guess it's not the same," Twilight mutters.

I sigh and am about to say something when the door opens behind us and Pinkie Pie bounces in humming something that sounds strangely like 'Oh TD Divine.' I stand up to greet the party pony.

"Hey, TD, are you ready for your wedding?" says the jumping pony.

I sigh and shake my head. "Pinkie, you do know that I'm going through this with the utmost unwillingness, right?"

Pinkie Pie stops in midair and giggles at me. "Well of course I do, silly!" she says. "But I figured that since you were playing pretend so as to not hurt the feelings of the princesses, I might as well join right in!"

"Of course you did," I deadpan.

"Anyway, Rarity is just about ready to get you into your tuxedo. She's helping the princesses with their dresses right now but I'm not allowed to tell you about what they look like since that's against tradition!"

I groan and rub my temples. "Pinkie Pie, can you make me a cupcake? Extra hay if you don't mind."

Twilight gasps. "TD, that is not the proper response to all of this!" she chastises. "We will find a way to make the best of this, I promise you!"

"The only way to do that is to cure the princesses!" I say. "Isn't it enough that I have to make the best of living around ponies instead of people? Now I have to marry two of them as well?!"

"I admit that this isn't the best situation for you, TD," says Twilight. "But you still have to make the best of it if you can!"

"I'm not doing any wedding night stuff with horses," I say flatly. "I cannot stress this enough, I am only attracted to human females!"

I do leave out that Celestia and Luna have promised me that they can shift into a human female until they find a way to turn me into a pony. This doesn't need to be any creepier for us than it already is.

Still, I have to keep up the charade for the princesses for now until Twilight figures out a cure. That means going to put my tuxedo on. It turns out that Rarity has made an even nicer one for me than what she made for the Gala. I can see why as it is supposedly my wedding day.

It takes about twenty minutes for me to look perfect in her eyes, by which point I have to go to the main hall to stand in place for the wedding which is starting in a half hour. I have a few ponies standing next to me in dresses. Since I don't have any male friends I have to go with a 'Best Mare'. To the surprise of most, I chose Cheerilee who laughed when I told her until she figured out that I was serious. She's currently standing next to me in a Rarity designed dress and an uncomfortable look on her face. She's well aware of the situation but, like me, she doesn't want to get sent to the moon for arguing against it.

Cheerilee and I exchange a bit of awkward small talk for a while as ponies file into the room, eagerly awaiting this strange wedding. Even if it is to an alien form an alternate dimension, this is a pretty big deal for them. I've heard some of the nobles and diplomats spouting off stupid stuff like how this wedding will 'encourage goodwill amongst our worlds'. Leave it to politicians to come up with something like that.

I glance at the clock on the wall and discover that there is only five minutes left of my bachelorhood. Celestia and Luna will be walking down that aisle soon and there's not a darned thing that I can do to stop them. I cannot run, and even if I did I couldn't hide. This does not bode well for me.

The doors open in front of me and I prepare for the worst. However, I don't get it. Instead of the princesses, I see Spike running towards me with what looks like a pair of guns in his hand. Wait... what?

I frown at the approaching dragon that stops when he comes up to me and takes a few seconds to catch his breath.

"Twilight did it, TD! She thinks she successfully made the cure!"

"Is that what those are?" I ask, pointing at the guns.

"Yeah, she put the cure in a pair of water guns she got." Spike hands the water guns to me and I slip them into my tuxedo pockets. "Twilight said to make sure that you get the cure in their eyes or it won't work!"

"Will do," I say, hope rekindled in my heart. Spike runs back to Twilight.

Cheerilee smiles at me when she sees this latest development. "When this is over, you deserve a long break away from everything," she whispers.

"No kidding, " I say. "I heard Las Pegasus is a good place to go for that sort of thing."

Cheerilee nods and is about to say something when the doors open and hell is revealed.

Now, I'm sure that Luna and Celestia look really, really beautiful to ponies and I admit that their dresses are impressive. Still, the idea that they think that they're going to marry me is... well, I've already said it enough times.

However, I notice that the two of them aren't walking down the aisle with anything resembling grace. They're almost running down the aisle as a matter of fact. Maybe it's an Equestrian tradition.

The two of them reach the front fairly quickly and turn to face the crowd.

"Everypony, if I can have your attention, I have something to say!" says Celestia.

"So do I!" I shout. The princesses both turn to me with confused looks. Now is the perfect time. I reach into my pockets and pull out the squirt guns. The princesses look absolutely shocked at this. Man I wish I had a pair of sunglasses.

"Luna, Celestia... the wedding's over."

With that I unload the contents of my guns directly in the faces of Celestia and Luna, drenching their dresses and faces. I don't care, though. I don't even consider stopping until the guns are empty which, considering how rapidly I'm firing, isn't too much longer. As such, the two goddesses are standing in total shock in front of much of the Canterlot nobility.

I smile to myself, completely satisfied with my work. I'm sure I've gotten it in their eyes. I twirl the guns around like Robocop and put them back in my tux pockets. Life is pretty good right now for the first time in four days.

All of a sudden, Spike bursts back into the room with a scroll in his claws. "TD! You need to... oh..." He stops when he sees the two drenched goddesses and stares at them in horror. Curious, I walk up to Spike and take the scroll out of his claws.

TD, I have run a few more tests on the concoction itself and I have made a startling discovery: the effects of the flower are not permanent! The chemical which triggers the reaction has a half-life of about three and a half days. If my calculations are correct, it should wear off before the wedding starts. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT shoot the princesses with the cure! I stress that they should be back to normal by the time you read this!

Twilight

My jaw is practically on the floor at what I've just read. Is she freaking serious?!

Celestia walks up behind me and uses her magic to take the note out of my hand and she spends a few seconds scanning it. She clears her throat when she's done and gives it to Luna. "Everypony," she says, addressing the large crowd. "There has been a terrible mistake! The wedding has to be cancelled for it seems that TD here was married back on Earth!"

A murmur makes its way through the crowd and Celestia turns her attention back to me.

"TD, may Luna and I please talk to you in private?"

"...nope."

I loosen my bowtie, unbutton my jacket and walk out of the hall.

Author's Note:

I decided to do this one first because there were a few more requests for it and I got more solidified ideas first. Is this a bit contrived and more than a little silly? Of course it is but I had a lot of fun with it and it isn't canon anyway.


In case you didn't get it, here's the link to the recently published sequel! http://www.fimfiction.net/story/71216/wanderings-of-a-nonbrony