Nature's Cthulhu
Seriously, whose idea was it to even come up with spiders? It certainly wasn't mine. For some reason my little ponies seemed to entertain this idea that I was a god and master of the universe, having created them and everything on this wretched planet. First off, I only control half of the universe. My only job is to the move the sun up and down, and sometimes I might lock myself in my room and cackle maniacally as a healthy way to relieve stress while moving the sun back and forth, if only to annoy Luna. So there, I didn't make spiders. Mother Nature did, and in my humble opinion, I think that Mother Nature was on her period when she made spiders.
Nature is scary. I looked it up. Do you know how many types of spiders are out there? How many species inhabit the Everfree Forest and even in Canterlot? Too many. My solution for dealing with spiders mostly involved me using a blowtorch. Or a flamethrower.
So when I cracked open a spider encyclopedia in the castle library, trying not to squirm as I read through all kinds of species, I realized that I was going to need a much larger flamethrower. The sun was a good way to incinerate every spider on the face of the earth, and just about everything else too.
What is wrong with me? I'm seriously considering using the sun to kill spiders.
I'm starting to think Luna got Atticus for the sole purpose of unnerving me. I wouldn't put it past her to do that sort of thing. After all, she did put a bug on my pillow as payback for last Nightmare Night.
"No," I huffed.
I would not let her get the best of me. I would not. I am Princess Celestia! And I would not let some itty-bitty spider get the best of me. That itty...bitty little creature...with eight legs. Moving in tandem, crawling...
Philomena crooned worriedly.
"I am fine, Philomena. Do you like Atticus?"
The phoenix tilted her head.
"Would you eat him for me?"
She squawked in protest, giving me a firm shake of her head.
"Some help you are," I said lightly, giving her an affectionate pet.
They say that the best way to overcome your fear is to face it. And tonight, I was going to do exactly that. I was going to march over to Luna's room, and face Atticus, and he would learn to fear me, just like all my little ponies have.
Just in case, I donned my battle crest and weighed horseshoes, perfect for crushing ribs. Or spiders.
"Sister, look, look! I'm teaching him tricks!" Luna squealed.
I eyed the spider on her desk warily, taking slow steps.
"I didn't know spiders could even do tricks."
"Of course they can! They are very intelligent, sister! Just watch," she said, puffing her chest. She said to Atticus, "Shake."
Atticus reached his outermost limb, mimicking a hoofshake with Luna.
"Roll over!"
The spider complied, rolling over lazily and skittering back into place.
"Good boy!" Luna gushed.
"That is very nice, but..."
"Wait, wait!" Luna plopped her abacus down upon the desk.
My heart nearly leapt out of my chest when Atticus jumped onto the thing, his long legs flicking the beads back and forth.
"Is he doing what I think he is doing?"
"Indeed! Two times two!"
Atticus flicked the beads, counting four.
"Five times three!"
Fifteen beads.
"Isn't he so smart?"
I was already praying to whatever higher power existed to give me mercy. This spider was intelligent. And I knew that right then and there, we had a royal threat. Even more dangerous than changelings. Canterlot was in danger of being under siege by intelligent spiders. Oh, you may laugh. But spiders had already conquered basic arithmetic, and soon, they would set their beady little eyes on Canterlot.
"Here's a treat, Atticus!"
In Luna's magical grip was a dead insect. She dropped the meal in front of the carnivorous spider, and I watched in horror as it devoured it, sinking its fangs into it with extreme aggression.
"Isn't he cute? Sister? 'Tia?"
KILL IT WITH FIRE KILL IT WITH FIRE, my mind screamed as I bolted from her room like a foal, struggling to breathe.
My guards didn't do so much as bat an eye as I came galloping along frantically, slamming my doors hard enough to shake the castle. The first thing I did was jump in a bath of ice cold water, if only to get rid of that horrible itchy feeling. However, that ice cold bath turned into a somewhat pleasurable bubble bath, and I decided to sink down into the lukewarm waters, sighing. At least in here, there were no spiders.
Even as my eyes were closed, my ear perked toward the sound of something...rubbing along the linoleum. I concentrated, my eyes screwed shut. It sounded like somebody was rubbing...sandpaper or something. However, I soon realized that sound resembled more of a stampede of tiny buffaloes. They were rapid little steps, shuffling along the floor.
There was a knock at the door. "Sister? Sister, are you in there?"
"Yes, Luna?"
"I cannot find Atticus!"
My purple eyes snapped open in horror.
"He was with you less than fifteen minutes ago."
"I know! But after you ran off, he just disappeared! Did he follow you?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Have you ever heard me scream?
Of course not. And now you have. And to be frank, I sound positively heavenly even as I scream for my life.
I shot up out of the bath in terror. When Luna and my guards came barging in, they searched everywhere.
"Sister! Sister, are you alright?"
They glanced up, watching me cling to the ceiling like a spider. "He's in here!" I shuddered. "Atticus is in the bathroom!"
Luna searched around before finding Atticus on bathroom mirror. "Here you are! Don't you ever leave me again!"
"H-He infiltrated my bathroom...violated my p-privacy..."
"I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it!"
Atticus was sending a message. He could get to me anytime, anywhere, and now I knew it as well.
This was war.
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ZOMG FIRST!!
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I've never actually gotten to do that before.
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It feels good!
P.S. Loved the new chapter.
Intelligent spiders? I have seen such things before... Metebillis 3... the Great One.
But no, they'd need a cavern of magical mind-amplifying crystals for that! Just.. like... the... cavern.. under... Canterlot..
.....
Oh hell...
Oh yeah! The war is on! Second!
And then, THE WORLD. MUWAHAHAHAHA!
This. is. WAR!
Hmmmm I wonder how long Celestia can go before breaking down and killing it..... and then Luna will tell her it was all for her annoyance which will have her sent to the moon again
O_O.... This spider is more pro than Angel or Owlicious.
We're doomed.
Pure gold!
YEEEEES!!! Intelligent Atticus is best Atticus!
I'm going to enjoy this.
behindthevoiceactors.com/_img/chars/char_11596.jpg
But what would make this even better is if Atticus actually came in peace, and just wanted to be friends with Celestia...
Just as a note, it's 'Cthulhu'
HAHAHAHA!!!
Poor Celestia, she has every right to fear spiders. Unfortunately, it's the penguins that are the true menace.
This is hilarious!
And lo, the spider got that much creepier.
How much? Oh, I'd say about 20%.
It's official... Celestia has gone from kittens to full blown cats.
Maybe even bobcats, or lynxes.
The rate things are going, I would not be in the least bit surprised if a Liger showed up next time.
Poor Celestia. This is going to be a one hell of a war. The Solar Empire shall crush the Spider Dynasty!
who needs sleep
OH MY GOD DYING.
This... IS GLORIOUS!!!
Oh, my, GAWD!!!
It is two in the morning here and I am laughing so hard I am waking up the household. The way you are having Celestia describe her fear of spiders reminds me so much of my mother's phobia of frogs and the way she describes them. Thanks to you I have to go change my pants, cause I just peed them, so kudos bro.
fohguild.org/forums/attachments/screenshots/170971d1304883565-funny-strange-random-pics-kill-fire.jpg
But no, spiders are awesome.
>Sees fic
>luna has pet spider
>somments full of spider hat
>I actually like spiders and have had a few of them as pets
>mfw:scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw8017_medium.png
I have a feeling the Palace will not survive this.
Thats because there was no chocolate around, therefore everyone else must suffer.
Atticus: Proffesional assassin of the New Luna Republic.
Such a badass!
This is phenomenal.
Hmm... the only criticism I can immediately think of is that the pacing is a bit fast, as with your other fic. But it is quite funny so far.
I thought 'Atticus' might be a reference to the abacus from Progress but, lo and behold, there is an abacus too.
Please, continue!
1341806 Penguins?! Are ye mad? It's bunnies that are the real threat. Damnable foul beasts.
You clearly never met a Special Forces Moose of the Swedish Armed Forces.
satwcomic.com/wonderful-nature
I wonder. How long until either the sun descends to Canterlot, or the stress unleashes Daymare Sun!
http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Luna+and+her+pet.+credit+to+alfa995+on+deviantart_a3f266_3225798.jpg
a good cover image
I wonder how much worse it would get if Equestria had guns.....
This chapter was actually funnier than the first one! And Celestia, don't be afraid of spiders, don't believe what the internet tells you, the majority of them are harmless.
ALL HAIL OUR EIGHT-LEGGED OVERLORD!!!
Some one needs to slap Celestia out of it.... so any volunteers?
Atticus shall overthrow ALL OF PONYDOM!!!
But no, seriously lmao.
I love how Luna is like Hagrid!
So cute!
1339708
MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/047/b/5/spiders__punch___em_by_dakaarts-d39pkj5.png
"Would you eat him for me" made me audibly laugh.
Celly is loosing it!
Celestia is now best pony.
Fucking.
BRILLIANT.
Most powerful creature in all of Equestria that also rules it and controls the sun, afraid of spiders?
Holy fuck why did no one think of this sooner??
This is a formal declaration of WAR! Come all ye ponies and bronies! Flock to the banner of the Sun Princess! Together we shall eliminate the many legged menace!
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4ihgqrixF1qg90l5o1_500.gif
Being rather arachnophobic myself, I can relate to Celestia's position.
Personally I dislike roaches more than spiders, but they can both go to hell.
She squawked in protest, giving me a firm shake of her head.
"Some help you are," I said lightly, giving her an affectionate pet.
So, Philomena has a pet now?
i.imgur.com/w1UTk.png
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/293/715/e99.jpg
1341713 More pro than Angel?
Let's go ask the rabbit what it thinks...