Twilight Sparkle, a studious unicorn and faithful protégé of Imperatrix Celestia, discovers a disturbing prophecy during her studies. Her curiosity leads her down a path of uncovering a deep and hidden mystery from Equestria's past.
With her sense of duty, Twilight must also juggle the responsibility of organizing the Summer Sun Celebration and her own social awkwardness as she learns about the ponies in Ponyville. Will she be able to balance it all and uncover the truth before it's too late?
Chapters (4)
Hey there. Thanks very much for getting this first chapter up. So far, this looks good. The universe looks similar enough to be recognizable, but there are already welcome differences (for example, the early foreshadowing to both Discord AND Sombra, Twilight treating Spike a bit better than in canon, Twilight already knowing Sunset Shimmer and the fact that there is still a few weeks before the Summer Sun Celebration). Definitely liked the chat Twilight had with Celestia concerning the prophecy of Nightmare Moon's return as well.
Anyway, the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up are rather well done and now I'm on to the next chapter.
Thanks very much for sharing this next chapter. In addition to the wonderful work on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up, I also like the bits of early world building including the reveal of where they found Spike's egg as well as the first meeting with Mayor Mare AND Rarity (including the reference to Twilight's rarely used title) and Twilight wondering how a library THIS well-stocked and close to Canterlot could go unnoticed by other scholars for so long.
On to the next chapter.
11542414
Hey, thank you so much for your commentary, I'm really happy that you're enjoying my story so far, I made sure to incorporate exposition and worldbuilding in a more naturalistic manner, because its always bothered me in fantasy when characters just go into long rants about some concept right before it becomes relevant ^-^
Praying for your success, awesome possum!
Hey there. Sorry I took so long getting to my response to this chapter, but, well, I got called to dinner and other stuff came up besides. Anyway, again, you did a really good job on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up. Definitely appreciated Twilight being curious/concerned about the Nightmare loyalists as well as Twilight's first meeting with Applejack and Fluttershy. Yeah, Fluttershy being a bat-pony, Rarity and AJ being engaged (which makes it more probable that Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom ALREADY know each other in this universe) and Twilight being from Bridlewood (good G5 reference there) were all unexpected alterations from canon (well, HALF-unexpected in the case of Fluttershy being a Bat Pony)- as was the more detailed chat Spike had with Fluttershy, But, hey, really good inspiration.
DEFINITELY looking forward to more of this (especially because I'm curious as to your versions of Rainbow and Pinkie).
11542448
Yeah, I can definitely see why that would bother you. REALLY good call.
I strongly recommend that you correct the design of the dialogues, because it is not always clear where one statement ends and another begins.
So far, I've only read the first chapter and I can say that the plot line looks interesting. Continue in the same spirit.
11542830
Thank you for the advice ^-^, I'll work a bit on making things a bit more readable, and I've press-ganged a friend into beta reading for me :p
11542498
Thank you so much for reading!!!
11542528
Thank you so much I'm trying to make Equestria a bit more internally diverse, since I wanted Equestria to feel larger. So you'll see a lot more exploration of characters cultures and how they relate to one another in later chapters :p
Well... that's a bit foreboding.
11542905
Yeah. Gotcha there. Thanks for sharing that tidbit. On another note, the previous mention of Bridlewood makes me think that Zephyr Heights probably already exists in this world too - as one of the more upscale Pegasus cities. But that's just a guess at this point in time.
That was a interesting story so far goodluck with the rest of it.
Another great piece of work concerning this chapter. Again, I appreciate how well you're doing on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up. And now we get introduced to this universe's version of Rainbow (a volunteer from Cloudsdale that got assigned the role of bodyguard). Twilight's reflections on Celestia were beautiful stuff (both verbal AND mental). Also really liked Twilight's dialogues with Applejack and Rarity (particularly the stuff about the militia AND Celestia most likely already knowing about the stuff Twilight is discussing warning her about) and the Mayor's observation that Twilight is nowhere near as bad as MOST Canterlot royals.
VERY much looking forward to more of this (particularly the eventual introduction to this universe's Pinkie). .
11547792
Hey thank you so much for reading
I largely wanted to use this chapter to ground the world a bit, so I wanted to add a bit of pony politics. As for Rainbow Dash, I expanded a bit on her role, because the show really never went into so much detail what she did as a weather pony, so I came up with a bit of an expanded role for her. For Twilights thoughs about Celestia, I wanted this version of her to have a more personable relationship, because I always felt sorry for her in season 1 & 2, since she rarely had a good read on Celestia, and would freak out about the tiniest things :p
That was a good chapter.