Sorry, No Harems (Dishwashing in the Time of Polygamy)

by Mockingbirb

Keep the Change

Fluttershy glanced up, as two of her roommates arrived through the front door.

"Look," Fluttershy said softly. "It's a letter from the Zoning Board."

"Let me see!" Rainbow snatched the sheet of paper out of Fluttershy's hand. "Whoa. Are we in trouble with the city?"

Fluttershy frowned. "I've read it three times, and I'm STILL not sure."

Sunset peeked over Rainbow's shoulder. "Purusant to City Code Update 953-2048-12A...polygamous households are no longer subject to the ban on three or more unrelated persons dwelling together in the same unit of single family housing..."

"We were illegal?" Rainbow said. "I didn't even know we were outlaws. But I guess we were. DAMN, we were breaking the law like a TOTAL BOSS!" Rainbow set down the letter and made finger guns. She mouthed "Pew, pew!" sounds while miming shooting in two different directions. "You'll never take us alive, coppers! Our love is a higher law than your petty rules!"

Sunset's eyes scanned more of the letter. "However, this zoning change shall not be construed to permit harems."

"What?" Rainbow's eyebrows rose. "That's terrible! You KNOW that every lady Rainbow Dash meets, falls in love with me and becomes part of my harem. I guess I'm not allowed to talk to pretty girls anymore."

Fluttershy ventured, "Maybe you're supposed to wear a veil, so they can't SEE you to fall in love with you."

Sunset shook her head. "Or maybe it's the exact opposite. Maybe they say 'no harems' because they want to ban Saddle Arabians without BAN-banning Saddle Arabians. Like, Saddle Arabians are TECHNICALLY allowed to live in Canterville, but not if you want all six of your mothers-in-law to be allowed to visit at the same time."

Fluttershy said softly, "I was doing a project for my religious studies class last semester, and...well..." She started counting on her fingers. "I think if Saddle Arabian rules allow up to four wives per family, and each wife can have up to four mothers...huh. I guess in Saddle Arabia you CAN have six mother-in-laws. Any number up to twenty-four."

"Now THAT'S a serious word problem for some unfortunate Consumer Math class." Sunset laughed. "I'm glad I'm already taking Calc 2, so I don't have to worry about that kind of thing."

"Calc 2 is easier than Consumer Math?" Fluttershy asked.

"It's not SUPPOSED to work that way, but in this case...maybe?"

"Hey!" Rainbow interjected. "Stop changing the subject! I want to find out whether we're really going to have a huge shootout with dozens of cop cars to defend our love for each other, or not?"

"Probably not," Sunset said. "I think they would start out by sending a series of increasingly sternly worded letters. They would at least send something with our names on it first, not just 'Occupant.'"

"Or maybe it's about More-manism," Rainbow suggested. "You know, that religion in You-Taw that says a woman can marry as many men as she wants at the same time. Maybe the City Council just doesn't like More-mans."

"But is it a harem if it's husbands?" Sunset asked. "Or only if it's wives? Sockdarn it, even though I'm majoring in pre-law, I STILL get confused by the human world's weird rules."

"Maybe they could get legal gender changes?" Fluttershy ventured. "Then they could be either wives or husbands, whichever is treated more favorably under the oppressive, discriminatory local regime."

"Damn!" Sunset whistled. "Fluttershy, why aren't YOU majoring in pre-law? Because you're already sniffing out some pretty good loopholes."

"Um," Fluttershy said softly, "because I don't really like arguing in court, or anywhere at all--"

"So specialize!" Sunset smiled. "Law is about so much more than arguing with people--"

"--and I hate doing paperwork. I'd much rather be a vet."

Sunset nodded. "Ok, when you're right you're right."

The apartment's front door opened, and Twilight Sparkle walked in. She hugged and kissed Sunset Shimmer for about a minute. After that, she wrapped her arms around Fluttershy, nuzzling the pink-haired young woman.

A minute later, Rainbow said, "Hey! Don't I get any?"

Twilight snorted. "No. Equestrians can hug and nuzzle our friends and our special somecreatures, but we do NOT pinch each other's behinds like you did last time."

"Equestrians don't even have hands," Fluttershy noted.

"I'm sorry," Rainbow insisted. "I've told you like a dozen times that I'm sorry. Are you going to hold that against me forever?"

"Maybe. Ever since you started college, Dash, you've been...a lot more forward. I'm not sure I like it."

"I think the whole tennis team, soccer team, and basketball team leaving secret crush notes in her gym locker kind of went to Dashie's head," Sunset grumbled. "And then when she told each person she'd meet them for a date, but she didn't tell them she'd invited all of them to the same date."

"But that was awesome!" Rainbow crowed. "I've never had so many people fighting for my love before!"

"It was a mob scene!" Sunset complained. "Mall security literally called the police and shut the place down for two hours." She eyed Rainbow suspiciously. "I wonder if YOU'RE the reason harems are illegal in Canterville now! Do you have any idea how much trouble you might have caused for hundreds of innocent households?"

"Still worth it," Rainbow leaned back against the wall, hands behind her head and a satisfied grin on her face.

Someone knocked on the door. Sunset went to open it. "Hi, Flash. Are you here to see someone?"

"Well," Flash put one hand behind his head, blushing. "I'm here about a date."

"Oh! Who's going out with you?" Sunset pursed her lips. "I don't remember seeing your name on the date rota." She gestured at a large whiteboard on one wall, which showed which members of the household's polycule were going on dates with who and in which time slots. "Did someone schedule something with you and forget to write it down?" Sunset raised an eyebrow at her housemates. "You KNOW forgetting to write your dates on the board ahead of time can cause problems."

"Well," Flash said, "I really like all of you. It's not so much that I want to ask any one of you out by yourself, as...I just want to be part of your group."

Sunset eyed him searchingly. "Part of the polycule, you mean?"

"Yeah! That!"

"Well," Rainbow grinned. "I don't know about that. Seems it might be illegal for you to date us."

"How's that?" Flash asked. "Is this some weird Equestrian thing?"

Sunset held up the letter. "We're trying to figure out this letter the City Council sent us. It says harems are illegal, but polygamy is fine. We thought, just to be safe, maybe we should keep any guys well out of our thing. If we're all women, then we're guaranteed to be just polygamy."

Flash blinked. "I don't get it."

Sunset patted his shoulder. "That's ok. At least you'll probably avoid having twenty-four mother-in-laws."

Flash scratched his head. "I don't get that part either. Is having twenty-four mother-in-laws even a real thing?"

Fluttershy nodded solemnly. "In Saddle Arabia it is, or at least it CAN be. We did the math on it, just before you arrived."

"Hmm." Flash said, "So...I'm out of luck? I came here for nothing?"

"Good news!" Sunset smiled reassuringly. "I still see a spot on the rota where we can fill you in. In fact, we can do something together right now! It won't even be illegal!" She reached into her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and slipped it into Flash's shirt pocket.

"You're paying me for a date? And that makes it NOT illegal?"

Sunset grasped his arm, and led him into the kitchen. "If we pay you to help wash the dishes, that makes you a paid domestic cleaning worker." She grasped both his shoulders, and gazed into his eyes. "That puts you under a different classification from roommate, so we can't be construed as your harem. I mean, as long as you don't expect to move in here."

"You're trying to make me clean your kitchen?"

Sunset leaned in, kissing his lips. "Mm. Your kisses are still nice, Flash. But you have to wash at least one plate while you're here, or we're committing residence status fraud."

"Oh. I wouldn't want to do that."

"Just to be safe, better wash a few more. Wouldn't want us all to get arrested."

Flash nodded, put a plug in the sink, and started filling it with soapy water.

Sunset patted his back, and returned to the living room. With an erasable marker, she wrote Flash's name in a blank space on the whiteboard.

"Ok!" she said. "So that takes care of the dishes from yesterday. Anyone else have any new events to put on the rota?"

"I DID want to ask you out to lunch," Rainbow said. "But kissing someone who just kissed Flash Sentry...that just ruins it."

"What's wrong with Flash?" Sunset demanded. "He's a nice guy. He's kind of cute...very sweet and kind...and he's always there for you when you need him..."

"Yeah," Rainbow agreed. "But he's a guy, so now I'm not interested in you for the rest of the weekend. I have a strict forty-eight hour rule. It's like when you drop food on the floor, except if it's a guy. Ick!" Her mouth screwed up in disgust.

"I don't think that's how any rule about food you dropped on the floor is supposed to work," Fluttershy said softly. "I'm a bio major, so I should know."

"If you'll excuse me," Twilight said, "I think I have a question for Flash." She went into the kitchen, where she started flirting with the household's new domestic cleaning staff.

Sunset glanced into the kitchen. She wrote Twilght's name on the board next to Flash's, with a question mark after it.

"Ok then!" she announced. "So anything else on the agenda?"

"The letter?" Fluttershy suggested. "From the city?"

"Oh, right. The letter." Sunset shrugged. "It's just addressed to 'Occupant,' so I'm pretty sure they haven't caught us. We don't have to deal with it until they at least put some of our names on it."

"Sounds good to me!" Rainbow said. "We just won't worry about it for now."

Fluttershy got out of her chair, kissed Rainbow on the lips, and said, "For later."

"For later?"

"Yes. Because I've always wondered what it's like to kiss Flash Sentry, and that means you'll refuse to kiss me for the next two days." She went into the kitchen. "Also, I've always wondered what it's like with a real Princess."

Rainbow sighed. "Hundreds of people have a crush on me, I live in a poly household, and I STILL don't have a date for tonight." She sighed again. "This sucks."

Comments

[Bad Horse]

Oh, you.

I was confused by the fact that they're human, but were talking about Saddle Arabians, Canterville, and More-mans (who have a human name, but an Equestrian gender-role reversal).

[Mockingbirb]

11533864
I am honestly unclear about how to handle geography in a definitely CANON way while keeping things in the world of brightly colored Equestria Girls people.

[Mystic Sunrise]

Rainbow sighed. "Hundreds of people have a crush on me, I live in a poly household, and I STILL don't have a date for tonight." she sighed again. "This sucks."

🤣. Never change, Rainbow.

[Mockingbirb]

11533881
I'm not sure if this is a bit too spoilery? But thanks!

[Fillyfoolish]

The apartment's front door opened, and Twilight Sparkle walked in. She hugged and kissed Sunset Shimmer for about a minute. After that, she wrapped her arms around Fluttershy, nuzzling the pink-haired young woman.

yes good this is the group of friends i want

[Mockingbirb]

11533864
Hey, Bad, I've just created a forum topic to ask for more general-purpose thoughts about how to write this sort of thing (stories involving Equestria Girls geography.) Maybe you can help out, idk?

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198620/equestria-girls-fics/thread/513721/geography-region-names-city-names-history-etc-of-the-equestria-girls-world-canon-fanon-headcanon

Edited to add: NOT to imply that this isn't a good place to reply too! I would be happy to see your reply posted both places, or anywhere, really.

[Bad Horse]

11533864
Oh, "More-mans" is really funny, though. I wouldn't cut it.

[Bad Horse]

The number of downthumbs on this story is perplexing. I wish down-thumbers would comment more often, because writers are often left wondering "Is my story bad in some way I can't see?" when the down-thumb is for something like "I don't like poly" or "I don't ship them".

I've also noticed that the number of down-thumbs on my stories is logarithmic in the number of views, while the number of thumbs-up is much more linear. That's really weird; it means the sooner someone sees a story after it's posted, the more-likely they are to downthumb it.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Delightfully silly stuff, and some fun EqG-ifications of familiar concepts. Thank you for it.

[justheretoreadstories]

11536491

The number of downthumbs on this story is perplexing. I wish down-thumbers would comment more often, because writers are often left wondering "Is my story bad in some way I can't see?" when the down-thumb is for something like "I don't like poly" or "I don't ship them".

Good way to sum up downvotes in a lot of cases.

[EileenSaysHi]

Kudos on whipping out this little tale of meta-mockery/calling-out in what must have been maybe not even hours from the debut of the contest, and still managing to work in quite a bit of clever humor to boot. It does feel lacking in romance, despite technically being the largest romance of the entire contest, but it got the job done in instigating a near-instant rule amendment. And in a contest that mostly saw Flash in serious mode, I did enjoy having one fic treating him as put-upon goofball. Thank you for your submission.

[Mockingbirb]

11589626

Kudos on whipping out this little tale of meta-mockery/calling-out in what must have been maybe not even hours from the debut of the contest, and still managing to work in quite a bit of clever humor to boot. It does feel lacking in romance, despite technically being the largest romance of the entire contest, but it got the job done in instigating a near-instant rule amendment. And in a contest that mostly saw Flash in serious mode, I did enjoy having one fic treating him as put-upon goofball. Thank you for your submission.

Thank you!

but it got the job done in instigating a near-instant rule amendment.

For any third parties reading this who have no idea what Eileen and I are talking about, I'd say the best way to get a minor wording change in contest rules is to start by ascertaining and respecting the SPIRIT of the rules.