Spike only wanted to go to the Casino.
But little did he know, Twilight had other plans.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 29th Nov, 2021
- offline last seen March 26th
SparkapocalypseVanguard
Just a bisexual writer who writes for fun. Enjoy my story: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/507767/fallout-equestria-lionheart
SparkapocalypseVanguard
Joined 29th Nov, 2021 ·
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Not sure what you were going for here, but it didn't work. Twilight's lecture and letter read like you copy-pasted it off a Baptist church's Wordpress site, and went annoyingly long.
If your goal was to make a morality play about gambling, it would have been more effective to write a story, not a filibuster.
If the goal was a comedy, it would have been more effective to pony it up. Have Twilight lecture about the hydra that literally lost a head to the casino and the Abyssinian who lost eight of his nine lives.
And Celestia's feghoot also wasn't particularly sharp. A punchline ending needs something... well, punchier. Perhaps, "Dear Twilight Sparkle, if you can figure out a way to fill the hole in the budget I patched with the taxes on legalized gambling, then I'll let you ban it."
This fell pretty flat, unfortunately.
This is almost entirely epistolary. You might as well have titled it a blog post and just dumped Twilight's slabs of text there.
This is what's called "explaining the joke" or "telling". It's a good gag, but you only need to show—not tell. Treat your readers as people who will get that someone standing up on a soapbox will be pontificating.
One of many great lines that need to be followed up in MLP with some kind of payoff. Have Discord ride by on a motorbike that has Lego wheels or Scootaloo riding past on the back of a battlebot. Something. Anything.
Also, the letters are—bad. Twilight spent years at Celestia's school. In a world that hasn't got instant messaging, long-form letter writing would be a primary skill taught to most foals as they go through schooling. That she cannot write a letter means you are handing her the idiot ball—and any time I see Twilight Sparkle doing the heavy lifting on the idiot ball, I have to call BS.
I get you wanted to make a funny statement on the evils of gambling—that's a worthy cause—but this is a mess that needs about 5k more words to support that level of epistolary.
Is this story meant to be a comedy?
Premise looked really funny, and I was expecting Twilight to go into some sort of lecture, but wooow did those lectures go on a little more than they should have. My thoughts on the content of those lectures aside, it definitely could've used a little shortening.
Twilight just unleashed a behemoth of a college lecture on him, I doubt he actually knew whether Twilight was right. I think Spike's thought process here would've been "Spike knew if he tried to push back, she'd spend the rest of the day/night lecturing him", then agree with her just so she stops.
Second, Twilight's been really well-known at summarizing her lessons, as silly as they may be, to a single scroll with large spacing. In this case, I can honestly partially forgive Twilight for rambling on and on, but I definitely think she would've avoided the rambling in her letter and just wrote a more brief overview, like
Also, there could've been a brief pause before Celestia's reply; maybe Twilight patted herself on the shoulder and started head off, only for Spike to belch out Celestia's response before she could even make it out the door. Helps ease into the punchline a little better; even if you didn't shorten Twilight's letter, the speed of Celestia's response would reinforce that she didn't even bother to read it, and would make her "I'll let you ban gambling" come across much more as a funny, tired remark from a equally tired solar alicorn desperate for Twilight to just stop spamming her lectures.
While this story didn't land as well as it could've, the premise of Twilight going full-blown lecture mode on Spike wanting to go to something he's not mature enough to understand is still funny at least, so good job on coming up with that!
Could have used a bit more dialogue back and forth. Add some body langue to the mix.
It became a bit monotone with Twilight's wall of text that didn't receive any counterpoint or response of any form.
The rant and the letter to Celestia really needs to have some double space between the sentences. It's hard for me, and the readers to read all of that.
This I have another problem with.
The beginning felt way too rushed and speedy just to get to main point of the story: Spike wanting to go to the casino.
Try slowing the scene down and explain to the readers on why Spike wants to suddenly go to this casino. Because if something like that happens at the very beginning, then this story is not off to a great start.
Try something like this:
This kind of dialogue will help the readers grasp the reason of why Spike wants to go to the casino instead of just blandly asking without any context at all.
Anyways that's it for my criticism.
Hopefully you will do better in the future!
Here's my two cents. As other commentators have said, the long soap box rant is really hard to read. Maybe rather than a rant immediately, have Spike go inside to play. And burn through most of his allowance before Twilight tells him enough is enough and that he isn't going to strike it rich. And the rant letter to Celestia needs condensing for sure, and some work on the ending gag.
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